They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Pinch My Nipples
A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?';
In a huff, the woman says,'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'
The crowd broke into applause, and her money was quickly refunded!!
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?';
In a huff, the woman says,'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'
The crowd broke into applause, and her money was quickly refunded!!
&&&&&&&
Well, tis the last day of January and I gotta say, this month has zoom along and brought us some really odd weather patterns, but mostly we have dealt with freezing rain and ice. Our poor trees are bent over so badly that some just flat ass snapped and others, well, they may never return to an upright position. Two trees in my own yard have snapped and others are bent pretty low and hanging on for all they are worth, which ain't much.
And in the course of all this ice, many lost power and learned how to live like a pioneer (no Internet -- how sad). For kids "no school" which made them happy! Plus, we have had lots of high winds and I mean, howling suckers -- ole Man Winter has blown things around good and I've seen bird feeders miles from where they originally hung and trash cans now gone forever.
Then the temp would go back up, hell we'd reach the high 30s and one day in the 40s and the birds came back --hungry, scared and anxious to check out various diners. I am seeing cardinals, blue jays, chick-a-dees and those forever damn cackles. No cackles in my yard tho. Wait, I am not seeing Cardinals in my back yard, no yet. They are timid little buggers but I have seen them at my son-in-law's yard and my sister-in-laws, so I just gotta be patient (not a strong trait).
Today Clint is with me and we got a few things planned. For example, making Monkey Bread, this should be fun. We also got a few things to paint, which is messy but fun and of course, Meme got some new books to entertain him too. I love having him spend the day with me, he is so busy and fun. The only thing that would make this more fun was if the other grandkids were here, yes they are older but Ella just adores Clint as does Alex and they are so cute together.
Okay, time to get ready for my special package -- he is due any minute. Have a lovely day..oh come on, its the last day of January and then, on to the shortest month.
Today Clint is with me and we got a few things planned. For example, making Monkey Bread, this should be fun. We also got a few things to paint, which is messy but fun and of course, Meme got some new books to entertain him too. I love having him spend the day with me, he is so busy and fun. The only thing that would make this more fun was if the other grandkids were here, yes they are older but Ella just adores Clint as does Alex and they are so cute together.
Okay, time to get ready for my special package -- he is due any minute. Have a lovely day..oh come on, its the last day of January and then, on to the shortest month.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Making Firewood
Now this is one determined two year old, of course, Meme egging him on has some merit as well. But loved his expressions...ain't he gonna be a fun teenager?
Well, it is Friday and schools are closed due to icy roads and once again, our poor trees are covered in ice and bending again. I doubt some of these birch trees will ever pop back up-- and many, sadly have just flat ass snapped. Even maple trees can't stand this ice-weight on their branches. And of course, icy power lines and trees, means not only slick roads but, for many, loss of power.
As for me I am fighting off a damn head cold, hate this stuffy business and a nice, long hot shower, then vicks on the chest seems to be working. Someone once said, "rub vicks on your feet too." Well, I didn't go that far!!! But before I could even shower, I had to watch the tennis match. I was so hoping Andy Murray would topple Novak but alas, he prevailed. So the final for the Australian open will be Novak and Rafa.
Oh my goodness, now it is raining, temp is hovering around 33 degrees, no wind but man it is damp out there and slick. Have a good Friday and enjoy the video.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
New Texas Priest
A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is
nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his
sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step
out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with
one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand, and repeats all the
suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee
and saying, 'No shit, what happened next?'"
nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his
sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step
out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with
one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand, and repeats all the
suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee
and saying, 'No shit, what happened next?'"
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Ponder this
You can always count on Maxine to put things into perspective
I bought a bird feeder. I hung
It on my back porch and filled
It with seed. What a beauty of
A bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed. Within a
Week we had hundreds of birds
Taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
Easily accessible food.
But then the birds started
Building nests in the boards
Of the patio, above the table,
And next to the barbecue.
Then came the poop. It was
Everywhere: on the patio tile,
The chairs, the table ..
Everywhere!
Then some of the birds
Turned mean. They would
Dive bomb me and try to
Peck me even though I had
Fed them out of my own
Pocket.
And others birds were
Boisterous and loud. They
Sat on the feeder and
Squawked and screamed at
All hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it
When it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even
Sit on my own back porch
Anymore. So I took down the
Bird feeder and in three days
The birds were gone. I cleaned
Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built
All over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like
It used to be .... Quiet, serene....
And no one demanding their
Rights to a free meal.
Now let's see.
Our government gives out
Free food, subsidized housing,
Free medical care and free
Education, and allows anyone
Born here to be an automatic
Citizen.
Then the illegal's came by the
Tens of thousands. Suddenly
Our taxes went up to pay for
Free services; small apartments
Are housing 5 families; you
Have to wait 6 hours to be seen
By an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
Behind other schools because
Over half the class doesn't speak
English.
Corn Flakes now come in a
Bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
Talk to me in English, and
People waving flags other
Than 'Old Glory' are
Squawking and screaming
In the streets, demanding
More rights and free liberties.
Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
To take down the bird feeder.
If you agree, pass it on; if not,
Just continue cleaning up the poop
I bought a bird feeder. I hung
It on my back porch and filled
It with seed. What a beauty of
A bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed. Within a
Week we had hundreds of birds
Taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
Easily accessible food.
But then the birds started
Building nests in the boards
Of the patio, above the table,
And next to the barbecue.
Then came the poop. It was
Everywhere: on the patio tile,
The chairs, the table ..
Everywhere!
Then some of the birds
Turned mean. They would
Dive bomb me and try to
Peck me even though I had
Fed them out of my own
Pocket.
And others birds were
Boisterous and loud. They
Sat on the feeder and
Squawked and screamed at
All hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it
When it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even
Sit on my own back porch
Anymore. So I took down the
Bird feeder and in three days
The birds were gone. I cleaned
Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built
All over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like
It used to be .... Quiet, serene....
And no one demanding their
Rights to a free meal.
Now let's see.
Our government gives out
Free food, subsidized housing,
Free medical care and free
Education, and allows anyone
Born here to be an automatic
Citizen.
Then the illegal's came by the
Tens of thousands. Suddenly
Our taxes went up to pay for
Free services; small apartments
Are housing 5 families; you
Have to wait 6 hours to be seen
By an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
Behind other schools because
Over half the class doesn't speak
English.
Corn Flakes now come in a
Bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
Talk to me in English, and
People waving flags other
Than 'Old Glory' are
Squawking and screaming
In the streets, demanding
More rights and free liberties.
Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
To take down the bird feeder.
If you agree, pass it on; if not,
Just continue cleaning up the poop
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