Shave and Hair cut

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get a good shave. He says he can't Get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a small wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and Tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. The Barber proceeds to give the old man a shave.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the Cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what Would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

************



I know, gas prices are just unreal and someone said; "they're gonna hit $5 a gallon by summer." Well, that will cause many to reconsider driving on vacation, eh?  Then again, air fare isn't cheap either!  Buy a horse, get a covered wagon, pack stuff up now and leave next month and you'll be in warmer climates by late April or early May!  Think of the fun you'll have??

As for me, next week I am headed to Rochester and looking forward to spending some time with my sister,who has been in Florida and has tales to tell, my grandson will definitely entertain us, my daughter is always a fun gal to hang out with and the indoor pool shall beckon me often as long as the water is warm, unlike SUNY Potsdam's pool that has slightly chilly water and no freaking ladder to use to get out!  Upper body strength is definitely needed -- ladder is built in to and under the water and there's one skinny pole you grab to haul your ass out...not a pretty picture for us old folks.  Getting in is kinda, sit down, scoot and plop in and let that cold water caress your body!  By the time you are numb, you like the pool!!!    But come on Rochester and so looking forward to seeing and doing things at the Strong Museum and there's other spots we can hit as well. Too bad the girl has to work but the "retired" ones shall definitely have fun with Clint!!!

On the exercise front, still can't get out and walk in the mornings as the icy sidewalks to do invite a decent pace and something about falling prevents me from even wanting to hike around town.  However, I am doing some new exercises I read about and they aren't too bad...oh ya, in the privacy of my own home.  Lots of upper body strength and hey, light weights help to reduce the flab under the arms too...not a good place for a tattoo unless you're thinking Flag and wish it to fly?  Ya, visualize that and giggle.

Yes, Lent is right around the corner, Wednesday in fact and this year, my sister-in-law and I plan to give up sweets (all sweets mind ya) and she's also giving up beer/alcohol.  As for me, hold on a sec, I'll need the booze if I can't have any sweets!  In case you wonder, its not just Roman Catholics who give up or take up something for Lent, Protestants also engage in this fasting...but we ain't real keen on eating only Fish on Friday!!!

So as I prepare for my trip, lists are being made, last minute shopping considered and at some point, packing shall commence.  Oh the fun of it. Take care, have a great weekend and for crying out loud, smile!

Layman's Ten Commandments.

Someone wrote these beautiful words… try to understand the deep meaning of it…these are like the ten commandments to follow in life all the time…


1] Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.


2] So a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the Rear view Mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, Look Ahead and Move on.


3] Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.


4] All things in life are temporary. If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either.

5] Old Friends are Gold! New Friends are Diamond! If you get a Diamond, don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a Base of Gold!


6] Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!

7] When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.

8] A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!"

9] When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them, and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.

10] WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES, it takes away today's PEACE.

Retirement

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.


Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for a senior who still works and refuses to retire?Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Or move back in there . . .

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break spiked !

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he worked with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....

QUESTION: What do you do all week?

Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied..'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

A nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.I'm half blind,can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.I';ve lost all my friends. But, thank God,I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing

One Armed Man

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms.

He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy. My balls itch.

*****************************************************************

And the new year begins!  Hey, the temp is 39 degrees, its been raining like crazy and most of our snow has or is disappearing.  This is some weird weather pattern and I've yet to don my snowshoes and trek thru the woods, damn!

Not sure what this day will bring but one thing for sure, it's the start of serious weight loss. No more excuses or delays and I plan to do this easy and simple.  If i can lose 1 pound or 2 each week, that would be wonderful but I'm not gonna starve or deny myself the foods my body needs either.  However, I will cut back on the sweets, which I have enjoyed a great deal over the holidays.

So all you folks who have to day OFF, enjoy it and let the new year begin!

What a Year

It's been one hell of a year and the photo above is my grandson, who is two, helping to make home-made laundry soap.  You see, my daughter decided this was not only cheaper but nicer soap to use,so she made a batch and gave me (and others) a small sample. Well, it worked so well, I decided to have my own bucket of home-made soap. Long story-short, using this is approximately 7 cents per load and your clothes are not only brighter but softer too.  And for the record my sister has been making her own laundry soap for years -- why didn't I catch that bug years ago?

Well, let's get crazy and admit, during the holiday season we tend to look back and relish all those memories,from early childhood to our present day.  We also realize that (1) we are getting older and (2) many good people have passed and that sucks big time.

2011 started out rough for me -- I learned I had colon cancer and like most, just was in a state of denial and shock.  Then I had surgery and all the cancer was gone along with a huge section of my large intestine.  Now I not only had to recover from this major surgical operation but I would spend considerable time (for the rest of my life I suppose) learning what I can and cannot eat if I wish to live comfortably. Also, big meals are no longer possible and it's like I am "grazing" all damn day but it works better and I don't feel so -what is the word -- uncomfortable!

By the end of 2011 I had more tests done, EUS (endoscopic ultrasound) where they went down my throat and look around in my pancreas and then, another lovely colonoscopy and got a clean bill of health -- hurrah.  While I was going through this, my son was also going through his testing and he too remains in remission.  The Lord is definitely keeping tabs on us.

Our oldest grandchild graduated from High School and we were in Minnesota to witness that achievement ..good job.  He has elected to spend a year or two working, saving money, etc before he heads to college.  He assure us he will go to college but just not right now.

My sisters all came to my home so we could have our annual sister's get-together and we had a blast -- here are a few photos to prove it:

We had a blast and there are many photos that I just can't post at this time.  Now, 2012 will see us in Florida.  First, the road trip to Florida will be a hoot (we had a blast last time) and once there, we plan to hit a few more islands, pig out on fresh seafood and once again, just flat out enjoy each other's company and laugh like crazy.  Us girls are the only children left out of seven and we just keep making memories.

So to each and everyone of you, have a Happy New Year!

An Irish Pope

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man
and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!

&&&&&&&&

Well, another Monday morning is upon us, how delightful.  I was gonna take my morning walk but the downpour has convinced me inside exercises will be needed today. Guess that means housework, laundry and dusting, shit!

Good football games yesterday tho -- I fell asleep during one but managed to wake to see the end, which is always a good sign.  More football tonight, yay!!!

Hey, you all have a good day today, okay?  Keep smiling!!!

Chew Gum

SLU prof says chew gum before big test and it could help
Wednesday, November 30, 2011 - 5:11 pm

CANTON -- Research by a St. Lawrence University psychology professor suggests that if you’re a student and have an important test coming up, you might do better if you chew some gum.

St. Lawrence University Assistant Professor of Psychology Serge Onyper conducted a study that showed that students who chewed gum for five minutes before taking a test did better on the test than non-gum-chewing students. “Mastication-induced arousal” is credited for the boost, which lasted for about the first 20 minutes or so of testing. Results of the study were published in the journal Appetite.

A “battery of cognitive tasks” was given to the study participants, who chewed gum either prior to or throughout testing. Their performance was then compared with subjects who did not chew gum.

Many studies have shown that any type of physical activity can produce a performance boost. This study points indicates that even mild physical activity might bring on such a boost.

Chewing gum seems to have given the subjects multiple advantages, but only when chewed for five minutes before testing, not for the duration of the test. Benefits persisted for the first 15 to 20 minutes of testing only. Onyper notes that a possible reason the benefits didn’t continue throughout testing may be due to “a sharing of resources by cognitive and masticatory processes.”

In other words, you can’t chew gum and think productively at the same time.

Onyper was the lead researcher on a study presented earlier this year showing that students who took classes starting earlier in the morning tended to get higher grades, even though they may have gotten less sleep.

So now you know what to pack when your kid has an exam! As a former teacher, I outlawed gum in my classroom -- I detested the gum--smacking chewing performance of those who found making loud noises so attractive!!!  But this was a 100 years ago, who knows what happens now!!!

Well, I have tried the molded cookie sheets and to date, have not found recipe that works in them, someone suggested cake batter and all I could think was; "that's gonna be small pieces of cake."  So now I'm thinking they might be candy molds?  Whatever,this is one challenge I can't beat so forget..those pans will be in the yard sale next spring for damn sure.

Hubby nicely shared his cold with me, now I have the sucker and last night I took some NyQuil early and man, that stuff kicked in fast and I was struggling to stay awake.  Clint was over here with us, helping Papa set up the train under the Christmas tree and the train just doesn't go fast enough for him, he wants to push it around the track.  It's battery operated and cute as hell but again, not speedy enough for him.

Oh hell no, no tree up or inside decorations out, outside lights are done but inside haven't even started on them.  I will get to them but so far I've been busy with other stuff. We just use a fiber optic tree these days, it works and we like it so that is that but I do have various holiday items around the house to make it look like Christmas.

My friend pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told me
"That's us in 10 years".

I said "That's a mirror, dip-shit!

Some Days.......

Ever have one of those days when for awhile, everything is going just right?  I mean, you get things done, which amaze you that it was that simple to do, you run errands and while you're getting a tad tired, you still feel you want to do more?  Ya, it was that kind of day yesterday.

Weather was absolutely beautiful, in the mid-60s and even the breeze was half way warm, I still needed a light coat tho --my internal thermostat is off whack since my surgery.  I had blood work done early, and I gotta laugh, the band aid put on my arm to stop any bleeding was HUGE.  Hell, it was bigger than some surgical cover-ups! Cracked me up!  Then I went to get some food, fasting is the pits, and finally over to Hanaford's for the lovely 49 cents a pound turkeys.  Only one per customer but hell, at that price, shop a couple days in a row, eh?  Now, I only wanted a 12-pound turkey, already have a 24 pounder for my dau to cook on turkey day. Ended up with a 16-pound sucker and for reasons I still am puzzled about, that sucker was heavy and just damn awkward to pick up and put in the cart.  Even worse was getting it into my freezer once I got home (I did it but it was just awkward).

Gonna try this idea for baking the turkey, you ready for this? No-baste, no-bother turkey.  Clean, wash and dry turkey, stuff cavity with 2 stalks of celery, 1 carrot and one medium-size sweet onion half. Now you preheat the oven to 500.  You rub butter, salt and pepper inside the cavity and outside. Put on roasting rack and add 2 cups of boiling water (ya cover the sucker too).  When oven temp returns to 500, cook for one hour.    Then, this is where it gets wild, turn off the oven and do not open door until oven cools (4 to 6 hours).  Remove turkey from roasting pan; reserve pan juices and that's it, a nice moist turkey, let set, then carve and serve or refrigerate if you want to eat it later.  How simple is this?

I love Thanksgiving, its my favorite holiday and all the cooking and preparing is just part of the fun.  For the past few years my dau has been preparing this meal and that is fine, I still get to contribute, which makes it even more fun.  However, we like to have our own turkey to nibble on the next day, hence the 16 pound extra turkey!  Ya, like you didn't have that figured out, eh?

By the way, remember when you had to sit at the little table?  I often wonder if people still do this because now, I don't see any "kid's table," everyone gathers round the dining room table and squeezes for space.  Tell ya what, once seated, you're stuck because getting up for any reason, would mean five other people would also need to move and that ain't gonna happen without some nasty comments, like; "damn, woman, didn't you go before you climbed in there?"  Or "whatta mean, you gotta get another beer, ask someone, they'll get you one, sit down you dumb jerk!"

Here's an interesting tidbit to make your day:  What is the food most often stolen to taken from a grocery store? Cheese, can you believe it?  Rates right up there with learning Brad Pitt plans to stop acting in three years (got enough money I guess) and instead, he wants to direct and/or write movies...how quaint!

Ya, ya, back to the lovely day and how it quickly changes.  I was returning the crib I had borrowed to my sister-in-law (who is currently in Germany) and hoped her grandson would be there to help me unload it.  He wasn't but no big deal, I figured I'd back up closer to the back door to make this a tad easier. Shit and double shit, I ran into her garage (didn't do any damage to it,) but smashed my tailight. Now I gotta get this sucker replaced and it was a lovely day until this incident!

Thank You

Today should be a day that needs to be celebrated every day as we thank all our Veterans, current, past and those who gave all for this great nation.

In 1967, I went to Vietnam and I gotta tell ya, yes I was scared and at the same time, felt it was the right thing to do and I needed to be there.  I saw things I never wish to see again and lost some truly amazing people but I also made some great friends and to this day, we are able to thank God we are still here and proud of our service.

I don't necessarily like remembering the various battles, the TET Offensive or the horrors of children discarded like trash or the way females were considered inferior and useless, so they were treated bad too.  But I also recall the beauty of that land, the people and the art.  There is something sad when all you hear is about destruction and no hope because we fought to give hope a chance and I'd like to think, in some small way, I did provide hope for some.

To all you serve and continue to serve, both stateside and overseas THANK YOU!

Apple

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?


I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked..

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman... I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Yes, this is me on the NJ shore (rocks actually) a year ago -- man I'd like to go back,have another photo taken just so you could see I no longer weigh this much and after surgery this year, I dropped two pant sizes.  I am still trying to lose weight but it's a long, drawn out process.  Being skinny is not the objective --in fact, too skinny is bad also, I just want to drop another twenty pounds and then, I shall be content.  That is my goal -- drop twenty by Christmas.  No pressure, giving myself plenty of time.

So here it is Thursday,its like 52 degrees and I'm wearing shorts and wondering why in hell I am cold and better yet, why don't I get my sweatpants and socks so I can be warm? Dumb!!!  And yes, it is raining too.  The weather forecast says we're in for "cooler" weather the rest of the week -- hello, its Thursday!!!  Way too early for cold weather.

Apples, Pumpkins & Runners

Wow, it has been a busy weekend and lots of fun things to share.  First off, the header photo.  This is my grandkids in Minnesota, the girl took 10th place in her track group and the boy took 3rd in his group.  Congrats to both, well done.


Now, the US Tennis Open is over and while my guy (Nadal)did not win, it was an amazing men's final.  The women's final was unreal. Once again Serena Williams seems to believe she can say, do and act as she wants and nobody can stop her. Well, this time (as it was two years ago) she learned that was not the case.  Ya,get the rule book out and read the sucker.  However, to her credit, for the first time ever (in my book) she actually praised her opponent and said she played an amazing match.  Normally Serena does not praise anyone but herself, if she wins she's was the greatest player on the court, if she loses, anyone could have beat her on that particular day.  I mean, confidence is great but over-confidence is arrogance that just irks me. She is an amazing athletic but honey-child,you could lose a few pounds to make you LOOK like a fit athletic.

Okay, enough about them...how about an almost two year old apple picking and selecting a pumpkin? Last year, in NJ he wasn't having any part of this stuff but this year, he was truly into it.  But first, I'm borrowing a photo from his Mom on his latest achievements:

After mastering shaving on himself, he decided to help Dada and shaved him too!  Notice how patient Dada is during this entire process -- oh sure, that's a real razor...just no blade!

Apple pickin was great fun and once he got the hang of it,he was picking like crazy. Then decided to "taste" this apple, it was good, so now he preferred eating to picking.

Yup, he help select "his" pumpkin too.  Last year, in NJ I plopped him the pumpkin bin and he bawl like a banshee, he wanted no part of this pumpkin business.  What a difference a year makes...he had a blast and so did we.



Then on Monday he wasn't feeling too good, snotty nose and small cough, so he was gonna stay with Meme (his Auntie Beth figures he faked his Mama out so he could be with me) -- anyway, we had a good time.  He helped me fold clothes, then he helped me make quick bread, as the photo indicates, he was a busy boy and while he liked licking the whisk, the actual bread was A-Ok in his book too.

And that was my Monday. Today I may head into Town an drive local merchants crazy and in the process, empty my wallet as my car needs gas -- ouch!  Later on this month I shall head to Buffalo and take my grandson to see Niagara Falls too.  Oh ya, the school season has begun, folks are slowing down and kids are, well, are back in school!!!

"Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement."

25 Ways to Tell You're Grown Up

 But first yes, September has arrived, did ya think it would not?

It means the college kids are back, joy, joy and the school kids will soon return to class --thrill, thrill.  It also means, we need to slow down and look for kids and remember those big yellow things are called school buses, and you do not pass them and you must stop when they stop, okay?  Let's have a nice school year, okay?


You ready for this -- well, sit back and enjoy. 

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them!
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up,not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator
6. You watch the weather channel
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook-up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those &&^*^kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog science diet instead of McDonald's leftovers,.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a move is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibupforen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time
22. "I just can't drink, the way I use to" replaces "I'm never gonna drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in fornt of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking, "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"
26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

How ya like my new hat?  Ya, a tad small, even I agree.  Oh come on, you wouldn't do something like this to entertain your grandchild? Get a life, have some fun, laugh at yourself and well, just laugh...

Oh just so you know, I have decided all this excessive eating must end, so I am back to doing Weight Watchers, funny how if I write down what I eat, I eat less...oh hell no, I don't attend those meetings or weigh-ins, are you nuts.  I can and do monitor myself.  Now, the goal is to drop twenty pounds by Christmas...ya, lots of luck, eh?  Sure join me, we can do this.

Have a lovely week folks.

Catholic Beer

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO


TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."

&&&&&&&

Went to the county fair this past week and man, many things have changed and I usually enjoy change and understand change is needed.  It was somewhat hard to see the youth building with so few club booths and exhibits tho.  In my day, that building was cramed with youth work and we had to work hard to make room for all the club booths.

Even the animal barns had fewer animals this year and while folks "spread out" and had lots more room than they ever had in the past, it didn't take much to see fewer animals at the fair this year too.  And, at least for me, the fact the midway and food joints didn't even open until 1:00 pm was really odd and I don't remember it being like that just 5 years ago either.  Oh well, all in all, it is our county fair and it was fun seeing former kids now adults, showing off their own children and many adult volunteers more than ready to greet and chat for awhile.  It definitely was a fun time to swap stories and catch up. Even some staff were still on-board and I had a chance to chat with them too.  Now its up for grabs "Do I attend the State Fair or not?"  Most likely I will and with my sister, which is always a fun outing.

Saturday my daughter ran in the 5K Waddington Homecoming event & we got to watch Clint.  I gotta tell ya, he is something else.  He is talking up a storm these days and while most words I can understand, some are just unknown.  Best of all, he will repeat them, over and over, very patiently expecting me to somehow understand them but it never happens. Finally I just say "I guess,"and he is content and moves on to another word or game.  He is a pistol for dang sure!!!

So that has been my weekend, oh, Saturday night Hubby and I had date night, went to the movie and saw Cowboys and Alien.  Okay, we have seen worse, much worse and on a scale of 1 to ten, with ten being totally lousy, I would give this movie a 6 may a 7.  It was for the most part entertaining and fun to see Harrison Ford as not quite the good guy for a change.  He was a good guy but not the main good guy!  Ya, that made a lot of sense, eh?  Oh hell, go see the damn movie for yourself.

Buying a Mature Woman's Bathing Suit

The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman unknown)
When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure
was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.


Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks . Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer fatal whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan 's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a bathing suit!

Wrinkled Butt

How the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while

Slicing salami at work,

He blames the restaurant.

 

If you smoke three packs a day

For 40 years and die of lung cancer,

Your family blames the

Tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes

Into a tree while driving home drunk,

He blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are

Brats without manners,

You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a

Deranged madman,

You blame the gun manufacturer ..

And if a crazed person breaks

Into the cockpit and

Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,

And the passengers

Kill him instead,

The mother of the crazed deceased

Blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to

Understand the world

As it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED BUTT

Is parked in front of this computer,

I want all of you to

Blame Bill Gates.

Now you all have a nice day...it is Friday, the weekend is ahead and life remains good!!!

Pet Fish

Pet Fish

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers.
These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of bull....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

Jumping On The Bed

Gotta love women~

I was at home happily jumping on my bed and squealing with delight.

Roger watches me for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"

I continue to bounce on the bed and say, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says

I have the breasts of a 25 year-old".

Roger said, "What did he say about your 62 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," I replied.

(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)....I love it.

^^%***&^*&&&&

Hello April, you finally arrived and with a 35 degree temp and what appears to be rain...light mist but rain nonetheless. And we are supposedly under a winter Advisory until sometime Saturday.  So April, the real question is are you gonna bring some warmer temps and can we honestly expect to see flowers too?  I know, I know, tulips are pushing up and trying damn hard to make their presence known but are you gonna cooperate? We have had enough cold weather, so please April, a little warmth would be so welcomed!!!

Good luck to Alex today and tomorrow as he plays in yet another Hockey tournament.  This kid is so popular and so good, he keeps getting selected for these teams and altho it may mean driving long distances, his parents see no problem with this.  Also, this go around they'll get to visit Tammy and on Monday Dean shall head down to the Mayo Clinic for his check-up -- pray for continued remission.

Monday

Yes, another Monday morning...life is good, right?  A lovely 20 degrees with a breeze but its not as brutal as it has been...and trust me, that sunshine is deceiving with a brutal wind.

And yes I did take my morning walk -- just around the block with a small extension to the diner to get the morning paper. As my normal, everyday paper does not publish on Monday, I hike down and get the Watertown Times.  A few days ago, I decided I was up to the task of extending my walk and baby, I paid for that decision.  I was not ready and at one point I was hoping someone would stop and ask me if I'd like a ride!!!  But I made it and it felt good but later that evening, I was just exhausted and I'm not sure the walk caused it or the case of diarrhea that hit big time! 

Hope you are having a lovely start to the week.  I get a new freezer today and that will be exciting.  We had chest freezers in the past and said, "no more, that is not gonna happen again," so this go around its an upright, thank you very much.

Yes it is a Christmas Cactus and yes, it is blooming now -- so be it.

The Rules of Rural New York

Yes, there is a huge state beyond New York City and it is called Upstate New York. It has some beautiful large cities and is also full of MANY, MANY small towns and abundant farm land which we call Rural New York.

Here is someone's take on "Rural New York" and it's quite accurate.

THE RULES OF RURAL NEW YORK ARE AS FOLLOWS: Listen up City Slickers!



1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap around straight... your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. I drive a pickup truck because I want to.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-90 and I-81 go west and south... use em.

5. So you have a $60,000 car... we're impressed. We have $250,000 combines... to harvest corn and soybeans that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural New York waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat meat, taters and gravy, beans and biscuits, and homemade pie. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at Jim's bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the Saturday before Thanksgiving.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vege tarian special' on the menu. Order steak or chicken. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices... salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah... We don't care what you folks in Chicago call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI !!

13. You bring 'coke' into my house... it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long blonde hair.

15. The Syracuse Orangemen and high school football are as important here as the Giants and the Jets and more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards... it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have Cornell University, Ithaca
College, Syracuse U., Colgate, the SUNY syst em, Community Colleges, and
Voc-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and Country, and they still wave to everybody when they come home for
the holidays.

18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music anyway. We don't want to hear it any more than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1.)


19. Four inches of snow isn't a blizzard... it's a flurry. Drive in it like you got some sense, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and eggs off the grocery shelves. This ain't Alaska! Worst case... you may have to live a whole day without croissants. Anyway... the pickups with snowplows will have you out the next day.

20. If you've never been here, come visit our friendly folks and enjoy our spectacular scenery... lakes, farmland, great fishing and hunting,wineries, museums, lots of history. Take a boat ride on the Erie Canal. Check out Niagara Falls and the Adirondack and Catskill Mountains.

21. By the way, if you want to talk to God in New York... it's a local call.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!


FROM RURAL NEW YORK WITH LOVE...