Girlie Wisdom

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... She has 14 kids but she doesn't really care.

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes .
5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends..

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...

8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my panties.

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet, for a while, and it shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

12.. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day! 

Sisters Get away

Okay, it looks goofy and sounds odd, I mean, it's close to April and guess what, I am getting ready to head south and I mean SOUTH!

It's that lovely time of year when my sisters and I get together and just flat out enjoy being together and doing silly things.  We play in the water (beach/ocean or pool) like we were ten and don't care what anyone thinks.  We pig out on fresh seafood and even I have been know to dismiss the red meat aversion and have a nice big ole juicy steak smoothered in mushrooms.

So while I was out the other day, happened to pick up these glasses, snapped a photo and put them back -- now I wish I had bought the suckers...my beer glasses -- just lovely!!!

As many of you know, I am one of seven children, and while it seems standard to say, when you get older, have married, had and raise your kids, that your childhood was great, I gotta admit, mine was wonderful.

Sadly only us girls are still this side of the dirt. The four boys have joined our parents and are having a good time with them. As much as we miss them, we ain't in any hurry to join them.  I got grandkids I wanted see grow-up and there's still lots more sister things I wanted do too.

This time, we plan to visit the opposite coast for a change.  I have no idea what in hell that means.  I loved Siesta Keys, but I guess three years is enough and time to check out other areas, like Key West.  We three did agree that we want to take the air boat ride in the Everglades and hoping like hell that sucker does not break down.  We also plan to try our luck with paddle surfing (oh come on, it'll be fun. So what if we never stand up or tip over alot, its all in the water, who cares.).  Then there are some museums we want to check out and heaven forbid we didn't check out various beaches, restaurants and nice hotels that have a pool to make our stay even more agreeable.  Hey, until you have a cold drink while in the pool, you are not living.

But mostly we just want to hang out with each other, remembering our childhood, laughing at our previous adventures and realizing no matter what we are and forever be sisters.  Ya, its a good time and while we wished we could get together more often that just once a year, once is better than no time.

So, while it looks like the weather is gonna get nasty and even some hint of snow returning, I'm heading to Florida and to hell with this cold shit...give me the warm rays and sunny beaches.

Holy Humor

*A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know 
> what the Bible means!"
> His father smiled and  replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the 
> Bible means?
> The son replied, "I do know!"
> "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
> "That's easy, Daddy..." the young  boy replied excitedly," It stands for 
> 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my  favorite)
>
>  =======
>
> There was a very  gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible  to 
> her brother in another part of the  country.
> "Is there anything breakable in here?"  asked the postal clerk.
> "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the  lady.
>
>  ========
>
> "Somebody has said  there are only two kinds of people in the world. 
> There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," 
> and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's 
> morning."
>
>  ========
>
> A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he 
> was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
> Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled 
> the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. 
> Forgive us our trespasses."
>

St Patrick's Day

Yes folks it is Saturday and yes, it is St. Pat's Day and many of us shall be wearing green and various other items to ID as Irish (no taters please).

Now as for drinking green beer, I don't think so, those little people pee green so that kinda makes me think, drinking green beer might not be a good idea.

However, after three or has it been four days of rain, wind and even some sleet, the sun is shining and the temp forecast for today (and the weekend) looks damn nice...why we might even find ourselves without a jacket for the first time in months.

As for me, well, as we didn't do the usual grocery shopping yesterday, that witch is on the ticket for this morning...ugh.  Of course, this also means breakfast out which is okay but as we both are somewhat limiting our carbs these days, its eggs and meat only -- doesn't that sound appealing.

Well, you all have a lovely day, if I think if something interesting to share, I'll come back and post updates.  Keep smiling.

Letter from a Retired Husband

Dear reader,

 It’s important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Mel. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife.When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Ann to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income andfor the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home
from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her.. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked
grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we
finished eating But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table
for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to
bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement.. I tell her to stretch it out over
two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong
points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard.I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better
than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys,
even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging
wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 EDITOR'S NOTE:
Mel died suddenly on April 29th of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch
Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5
inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife was arrested and charged with murder.

The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting
her defense that Mel, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on
his golf club.

March 12th

Well, it is Monday and although I'm still experiencing a little light-headedness, I am feeling much better.

This flu bug is one nasty little bugger and it takes days to leave,what I don't get is I never invited it to stay in the first place--rude little shit!!!

It sure knocked me out for 3 days tho, and I mean, I down for the count.  Bad enough to deal with the back-door-trots but the vomiting was just unnecessary and then, sleeping. I mean, how much damn sleep does a body need?  The only good thing, other than all this "cleansing" of the impurities, was I did lose some weight. Hey, when you don't eat and do nothing but empty your body, weight loss is pretty much guaranteed, right?

What cracked me up was one day I woke up and the ground was practically clear of all snow and brown grass was showing, hell even my tulips were starting to push up and be seen. Then I get up during the night to get a drink, look out and there's a freaking blizzard, can't even seen across the street and wham, we got snow covered landscape again. This has been one damn weird winter.  Then Sunday it is nice again, warm and what I really wanted to do was go for a walk, but no, I reminded myself; "give it another day, don't rush this sucker, relapse would be horrible!"

So that was my break -- gosh, how I miss the days when you took a break and you weren't sick!!!  Oh well, soon I shall be heading to Florida where the warm waves can caress my fat ass.  But most of all, time with my sisters as we remind each other of childhood days and laugh like fools.

Anyway, today (with any luck) I can get some laundry done and then, actually get outside.  I need to go into town and purchase a few items and hell, "air" myself out would be nice too.

So you all have a good day, okay?  Keep smiling!

Wednesday

This is just unreal.  It's a little after 1:00 p.m. and the temp on my deck is --wait for it ---60 degrees!


Yes, you read that correctly and we wonder why the birds are confused.  Hells bells, we all are confused.

Got folks opening their window and letting the winter stink out and some, now these are the real idiots, are actually trying to rake their yards.  Hello, its March and this ground is frozen and that white stuff is either snow or ice, are you freakin blind!

While all this is happening, way too many folks are catching this damn flu bug.  Some get the "up-chunks" only, others "back-door-trots" and for the lucky few, both.  Some get a fever and some do not but loss of appetite is happening regardless.  Ya, Spring officially beings March 20th --what the hell is up with this flu bug?

Now the farmers and wanna-be gardeners are happy as hell too. Why?  Mail boxes are filled with seed catalogs and promises of delish fruit it you buy and plant according to their directions.  And so many will do just that and be so damn disappointed they'll bitch about this company for years.

Well, it's nice outside but my grandson is under the weather so playing outside don't look very hopefully.  I'm headed over to his house to watch him while Mommy goes in to work a few hours.  My life is so busy and no, I am not bored...keep smiling folks.

Just Monday

Yup, it's Monday and it's chilly, what else is new?


I think some were actually under the opinion, due to some warmer temps, that Winter was over but folks, it's March and it came roaring in like a lion, so Winter is still upon us, deal with it!

Got a new thing to share with you, well, new is an objective term, probably been around for a long time but just recently it's been found by yours truly.  This is "The Miracle Mask."  This DYI (do it yourself) mask is made of nutmeg, honey and cinnamon, it is calming and soothing for stressed out skin (who in hell knows if the skin is stressed out?).

The secret?  Nutmeg and honey act as natural anti-inflammatory, which can reduce swelling and redness in skin.  They're also great for soothing acne scars and preventing infection.  In addition,the nutmeg and cinnamon also work to exfoliate your skin when you wash this mask off.

To create mask, mix 2 tablespoons of honey with a teaspoon of cinnamon and a teaspoon of nutmeg.  the consistency should be like a thick paste. After it's all mixed, apply the mask to your face and let it sit for 30-minutes (I don't recommend you leave the house during this time frame). Wash it off with warm water, scrubbing softly in circular motion for exfoliation. (Hey, I'm just the messenger here, you don't wanna do this, fine with me.  I prefer a nice facial at Laurie's salon myself.)

Okay, its my grandson's new place to park his bulldozer or as he says, "his garage."  Hey, it keeps him entertaining and accomplishes my dusting nicely, so have a good time kiddo.

Well, if I think of more stuff to share I'll be back. Still waiting to see how my grandson in Minnesota made out at the championship hockey game...news must be coming by pony express!!!

Cold Weather Coming In

I just got off the phone with a friend, living in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border. She said that since early this morning the snow has
nearly reached waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

Her husband has done nothing all day but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.

**********

Good Morning, well, it is Saturday and we have been "told" that today, around 10 a.m., we can expect really high winds, like 30 to 60 mph!  Did we ask for wind?


2:42 Update:  The winds are getting stronger and proof of that is our awning is now tilted against the house.  It did not get blown away but if it had been "opened" it would be gone for damn sure.  And while we have had moments of sunshine, its now back to that overcast style we are so use too and I swear the temp is dropping, its been hovering in the 40's but that wind makes it feel much cooler.  Okay, enuff of the short sleeve T-shirt, back to sweatshirt and maybe, crank up the heat.  Damn this is fun!

My sister sent me this "Cinnamon and Honey Whoever Thought?" article and one of the many items included was WEIGHT LOSS.  Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast on an empty stomach, and at night before sleeping, drink honey& cinnamon powder boiled in one cup of water.  If taken regularly, it reduces weight of even the most obese person.  Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even thought the person may eat a high calorie diet.

Did you happen to notice this doesn't say "how much" cinnamon or honey you are to use?  Well, good, because it doesn't!  So, we (my sister and I) are mixing about a pinch of cinnamon with a teaspoon of honey in our morning tea -- I'm only doing the morning number, she is doing and night.  Also honey and cinnamon supposedly helps relieve gas too. Well, so far we can attest to this weight loss mixture as producing lots of gas and hopefully this is a cleansing number which shall end soon!!  [Reminds me of that old joke, what do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in class?  A private tooter!"]

Along with this there are other benefits too including more energy (to fart I guess),so it's gonna be interesting to see how all this pans out.  As I gave up sweets for Lent, this small amount of honey is just not being considered breaking the Lent rule (bite me).

So this is my weekend so far ---on wait, I think I am seeing sunshine, is this a tease or what? Winds are picking up -- 20 mph at the moment. Hey, you all have a good day, keep smiling.

Something to Make You Smile

Shirley & Marcy

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school.
He didn't want his mother to walk with him.
She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance,
So he probably wouldn't notice her.
She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew.
She did this for the whole week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs,
Timmy 's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally she said to Timmy ,
'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'
Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'
The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'
'That's just Shirley Goodnest ,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy .'
' Shirley Goodnest ? Who is she and why is she following us?
'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.
And in the Psalm, it says, ' Shirley Goodnest (surely goodness ) and Marcy (mercy) shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace.

May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always

I know you smiled!
I sure did, Pass this on
And brighten someone's day!

Norwegian Virgin

Norwegian Virgin Wedding Olof Svenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a Virgin -- in every vay." The doctor told him, "Olof, I'll have to put your Villy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art. Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and theywent on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: Olof...you're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez." Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ..... still in DA CRATE."

Wrong Bitch

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may

I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My precious little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog."Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

My Travels

My Travels

I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport. You have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my family, friends and those where I have worked.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I am not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all of the stimuli I can get.

Now if I can just avoid getting in Continent.

Shave and Hair cut

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get a good shave. He says he can't Get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a small wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and Tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. The Barber proceeds to give the old man a shave.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the Cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what Would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

************



I know, gas prices are just unreal and someone said; "they're gonna hit $5 a gallon by summer." Well, that will cause many to reconsider driving on vacation, eh?  Then again, air fare isn't cheap either!  Buy a horse, get a covered wagon, pack stuff up now and leave next month and you'll be in warmer climates by late April or early May!  Think of the fun you'll have??

As for me, next week I am headed to Rochester and looking forward to spending some time with my sister,who has been in Florida and has tales to tell, my grandson will definitely entertain us, my daughter is always a fun gal to hang out with and the indoor pool shall beckon me often as long as the water is warm, unlike SUNY Potsdam's pool that has slightly chilly water and no freaking ladder to use to get out!  Upper body strength is definitely needed -- ladder is built in to and under the water and there's one skinny pole you grab to haul your ass out...not a pretty picture for us old folks.  Getting in is kinda, sit down, scoot and plop in and let that cold water caress your body!  By the time you are numb, you like the pool!!!    But come on Rochester and so looking forward to seeing and doing things at the Strong Museum and there's other spots we can hit as well. Too bad the girl has to work but the "retired" ones shall definitely have fun with Clint!!!

On the exercise front, still can't get out and walk in the mornings as the icy sidewalks to do invite a decent pace and something about falling prevents me from even wanting to hike around town.  However, I am doing some new exercises I read about and they aren't too bad...oh ya, in the privacy of my own home.  Lots of upper body strength and hey, light weights help to reduce the flab under the arms too...not a good place for a tattoo unless you're thinking Flag and wish it to fly?  Ya, visualize that and giggle.

Yes, Lent is right around the corner, Wednesday in fact and this year, my sister-in-law and I plan to give up sweets (all sweets mind ya) and she's also giving up beer/alcohol.  As for me, hold on a sec, I'll need the booze if I can't have any sweets!  In case you wonder, its not just Roman Catholics who give up or take up something for Lent, Protestants also engage in this fasting...but we ain't real keen on eating only Fish on Friday!!!

So as I prepare for my trip, lists are being made, last minute shopping considered and at some point, packing shall commence.  Oh the fun of it. Take care, have a great weekend and for crying out loud, smile!

The Scrotum Story

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.




"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery Performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith ." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my blonde wife the word is sternum."

4th Marriage

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered."Interesting," the newsman thought.


He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's,and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. (wait for it)

She smiled and explained, "I marriedOne for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, And four to go."(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.)

Saturday Funny

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.


Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment..

For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:

Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Why Sharks Circle Before they Attack

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking




Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the Father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we Swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

No need to thank me, try to learn something new every day.

School Days

Involuntary Muscle Contractions




A professor at the University of Wisconsin was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to spice up his lecture.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

*&*&*&*&*&

Yup, it is Super Bowl Sunday and yes, I have my chicken wings.

When my beloved Dad was alive, we would watch this game together and he always fixed chicken wings and other items (some were his own creation and still unknown to me to this day). And unlike many from his generation, he also had healthy snacks too, aka carrots, celery, peanuts, popcorn, etc.  But nothing was better than his wings and a cold beer -- well, his company was certainly the best part.  Ya, I do miss my Dad!

Naw, I don't really have a fave team this year, my son is a huge, dieheart Patriots fan so he will be cheering for them but I'm kinda leaning toward the Giants.  I rather like Eli Manning and the Giants players.  Oh well, we shall see, eh?

Cannot believe I woke up and it was 4 freaking degrees -- sun is again trying to shine, very light wind and supposedly it will get warmer today, might hit the high 30s.  Now, if we should hit the 40s, haul out the sunscreen and shorts, eh?

In the meantime, I shall enjoy the Sunday morning and wait to see what else happens.  I really need to go to Wal-Mart but gotta tell ya, being retired and going during the week is much nicer, not so many people and you kinda have the entire place to yourself.  Hubby is suggesting we go out for breakfast and I'm stalling --wonder who's gonna win?

Church Ladies With Typewriters

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Pinch My Nipples

A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?';
In a huff, the woman says,'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'
The crowd broke into applause, and her money was quickly refunded!!

&&&&&&&

Well, tis the last day of January and I gotta say, this month has zoom along and brought us some really odd weather patterns, but mostly we have dealt with freezing rain and ice.  Our poor trees are bent over so badly that some just flat ass snapped and others, well, they may never return to an upright position. Two trees in my own yard have snapped and others are bent pretty low and hanging on for all they are worth, which ain't much.

 And in the course of all this ice, many lost power and learned how to live like a pioneer (no Internet -- how sad).  For kids "no school" which made them happy!  Plus, we have had lots of high winds and I mean, howling suckers -- ole Man Winter has blown things around good and I've seen bird feeders miles from where they originally hung and trash cans now gone forever.

Then the temp would go back up, hell we'd reach the high 30s and one day in the 40s and the birds came back --hungry, scared and anxious to check out various diners.  I am seeing cardinals, blue jays, chick-a-dees and those forever damn cackles.  No cackles in my yard tho.  Wait, I am not seeing Cardinals in my back yard, no yet.  They are timid little buggers but I have seen them at my son-in-law's yard and my sister-in-laws, so I just gotta be patient (not a strong trait).

Today Clint is with me and we got a few things planned.  For example, making Monkey Bread, this should be fun.  We also got a few things to paint, which is messy but fun  and of course, Meme got some new books to entertain him too.  I love having him spend the day with me, he is so busy and fun.  The only thing that would make this more fun was if the other grandkids were here, yes they are older but Ella just adores Clint as does Alex and they are so cute together.

Okay, time to get ready for my special package -- he is due any minute.  Have a lovely day..oh come on, its the last day of January and then, on to the shortest month.

Making Firewood

Now this is one determined two year old, of course, Meme egging him on has some merit as well. But loved his expressions...ain't he gonna be a fun teenager?

Well, it is Friday and schools are closed due to icy roads and once again, our poor trees are covered in ice and bending again.  I doubt some of these birch trees will ever pop back up-- and many, sadly have just flat ass snapped.  Even maple trees can't stand this ice-weight on their branches. And of course, icy power lines and trees, means not only slick roads but, for many, loss of power.

As for me I am fighting off a damn head cold, hate this stuffy business and a nice, long hot shower, then vicks on the chest seems to be working. Someone once said, "rub vicks on your feet too."  Well, I didn't go that far!!!  But before I could even shower, I had to watch the tennis match.  I was so hoping Andy Murray would topple Novak but alas, he prevailed. So the final for the Australian open will be Novak and Rafa.

Oh my goodness, now it is raining, temp is hovering around 33 degrees, no wind but man it is damp out there and slick.  Have a good Friday and enjoy the video.

New Texas Priest

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is
nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his
sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step
out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with
one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand, and repeats all the
suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee
and saying, 'No shit, what happened next?'"

Ponder this

You can always count on Maxine to put things into perspective

I bought a bird feeder. I hung
It on my back porch and filled
It with seed. What a beauty of
A bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed. Within a
Week we had hundreds of birds

Taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
Easily accessible food.
But then the birds started
Building nests in the boards
Of the patio, above the table,
And next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was
Everywhere: on the patio tile,
The chairs, the table ..
Everywhere!

Then some of the birds
Turned mean. They would
Dive bomb me and try to
Peck me even though I had
Fed them out of my own
Pocket.

And others birds were
Boisterous and loud. They
Sat on the feeder and
Squawked and screamed at
All hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it
When it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
Sit on my own back porch
Anymore. So I took down the
Bird feeder and in three days
The birds were gone. I cleaned
Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built
All over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
It used to be .... Quiet, serene....
And no one demanding their
Rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.
Our government gives out
Free food, subsidized housing,
Free medical care and free
Education, and allows anyone
Born here to be an automatic
Citizen.

Then the illegal's came by the
Tens of thousands. Suddenly
Our taxes went up to pay for
Free services; small apartments
Are housing 5 families; you
Have to wait 6 hours to be seen
By an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
Behind other schools because
Over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
Bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
Talk to me in English, and
People waving flags other
Than 'Old Glory' are
Squawking and screaming
In the streets, demanding
More rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
To take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not,
Just continue cleaning up the poop

Bewildered Cowboy

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River . He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.


Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.
 

&&&%&&&&&

 

Well, it is Monday morning and dark outside so I have no real "look" at the weather conditions.  However, my temp gauge is claiming 12 degrees but the high today,supposedly will be 39 (with some rain -- huh?).  Normally I kinda like rain, nothing makes for better sleeping sounds than rain falling on the roof but in winter, forget it. Rain means ice and ice means slippery roads and walks and that means, fall on your ass or walk like you are 100 years old.  Ice also makes everyone look the same age just because of how we walk!

 

Yes, thank you I had a lovely weekend.  Attempted to go swimming at the campus pool (again, supposedly it was free public swim time) only to learn it is next weekend...shit!  Fun proving my swim  suit still fit but also reminded me, "buy a new suit this season!"

 

Had fun hanging out with my grandson for an hour or so, then my dau and I headed to town to drive store clerks crazy as we did our shopping. It was a fun outing but frustrating for her. Seems like every time she goes on line to get a script filled, it never is ready because they have to wait until she reminds them they needed to add the grape flavoring.  WTH?

 

Yes of course I watched the football games, first the Patriots kick ass and finally the Giants got their act together and now, these two are headed for the Super Bowl. As my nephew says, I could care less who wins, I'll be wearing my Bronco jersey, eating good eats and drinking beer."  Gotta love his attitude!

 

So Monday, bring it on -- I may have two sick kids to watch -- grandson and his Mommy -- oh how fun is that -- slap both their asses in bed and tell them to sleep and rest.  And now for a little insight into how grandchildren perceive their grandparents:

 

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Layman's Ten Commandments.

Someone wrote these beautiful words… try to understand the deep meaning of it…these are like the ten commandments to follow in life all the time…


1] Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.


2] So a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the Rear view Mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, Look Ahead and Move on.


3] Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.


4] All things in life are temporary. If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either.

5] Old Friends are Gold! New Friends are Diamond! If you get a Diamond, don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a Base of Gold!


6] Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!

7] When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.

8] A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!"

9] When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them, and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.

10] WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES, it takes away today's PEACE.

Snowshoeing

Yes, we finally got enough snow for me to engage in a winter activity that I just love -- snow shoeing.

First, I had to endure three miserable days of rain, slush, ice, snow, wind and below zero temps, not to mention a wind chill that had squirrels hiding more than nuts!

Then a heat wave hit, 23 degrees and damnit, I was gonna don my snowshoes and trek about, if only in my own yard, like a pro.  Oh ya, great weather, light snow falling, no wind and it was just wonderful.  Only one small problem, this idiot forgot to check her equipment and as I was so thrilled to be out and about, decided to extend my hike and quickly discovered (as I nearly fell on my face) that one shoe was completely undone.  The damn strap was not secure and eventually it managed to "wiggle" free and how in hell I managed to keep my boot in the strap at all was amazing. But when you feel yourself "tripping" with snowshoes, you know something ain't right.  Plus, you look pretty silly too.  Oh well, as folks watched me, from the cosy warmth of their front windows, I definitely entertained them, with my quick step and no-fall performance. But the slow, dragging shoe back home walk was anything but fun.

Once in garage I fixed this problem and chewed myself out (mentally) for not checking this before...damn ole fool.  Then I debated whether to continue snow shoeing or give it up for the day?  I gave it up...if you exert too much on the first outing, you could hurt yourself and that would delay further outings, so this was good...30 minute workout and a nice sweat going, I was content.

Okay, now I am like many of you folks, wanna lose some weight but ain't gonna go crazy with this diet and that diet.  Walking is kinda out of the picture what with the icy sidewalks and below zero temps and driving to some gym to walk around is not exactly my idea of fun.  Ya, snowshoeing is what I do when the weather permits and I also fire up the Wii fitness program and do that number and let's not forget the lovely Zumba dance.  Hey, I got no rhythm, so I just bounce around, work up a sweat and keep things flexible and moving.  Some days I get carried away, thinking I'm much younger and pay for it with a sore muscle and aching bones (walk much slower on those days too).
And like many I read all these weight losing ideas and healthy eating plans. Who in hell has time for all that shit anyway?  The latest was weight saving tips aroundthe world...oh ya, this was gonna be interesting.  I won't list all but some cracked me up:

• Eat slower -- Americans tend to eat way too fast, so slow down, enjoy your meal.
• Spicey food is good for you -- helps burn calories (also cuts down on what you eat cause your mouth is on fire!)
• Eat more rice and beans (don't go out afterwards and only hang around friends, they'll be the only ones who can stand you).
• Eat at home (what a novel idea).
• Forget ordering supersized meals, they no longer exits (did MacDonald's know this)
• Yes, for chrissake, EAT BREAKFAST. Every country makes this claim and has their own idea of what that should consisit of -- just eat something.
• Swap the gas pedal for the bike pedal (now in the winter this might be a bit awkward but what the hell Norway does it, so can we, right).
• Crunch more pickles -- well, ain't that amazing...

So, there is your healthy list for 2012 -- basically, it remains the same in my book, move your ass and cut back on calories. Eat more fruits and vegetables and exercise.  Weight will drop slowly but the biggest accomplishment will be the reality that you have changed your eating habits and now, you will feel better, keep the pounds off, and clothes will finally be baggy.

Retirement

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.


Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for a senior who still works and refuses to retire?Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Or move back in there . . .

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break spiked !

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he worked with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....

QUESTION: What do you do all week?

Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied..'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

A nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.I'm half blind,can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.I';ve lost all my friends. But, thank God,I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing

Farm Kid Joins the Marines

West Virginia FARM KID in Marines (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING )

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Reunion

OH ME !!!


Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's

leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at WalMart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Eggies

Okay, I admit it...sometimes those damn TV commericals get to me and I actually break down and buy some of that crap.  And to be fair, some times its worth it but other times,well, it's more a challenge and waste of money.  Ya, like you haven't done this too -- give me a break!

For weeks I have been watching (like I have a choice when those damn commericals hit) "never peel a hard boiled egg again," and look at all the fun things you can do with these eggies: crack, boil, twist and eat!  Make delicious deviled eggs, great for Chef salads and tasty eggs Benedict.  Ok now here is the real story.  First ya gotta wash these suckers, that is a given, right?

Then you gotta spray a paper towel with cooking spray and spread into the top and bottom eggie (not allowed to spray directly).  Then, crack an egg and put in the eggie, screw on top and once you get all this done, put in a pan with tap water, make sure the eggies float and bring to boil.  Once boiling hard, reduce to a low boil and cook per instructions...i.e.: soft, medium or hard boil.  Oh ya there is some give on the egg size as well.

Then use a slotted spoon, remove from water, wait 3-4 minutes (this is the lovely cooling process), twist off top, middle ring and slid egg onto your plate.  Hello, the cooking times suck and as for sliding out the egg, no way, I had to use a knife to loosen the sucker onto my plate.  And I was going for a medium soft egg...not this running glob that looked ugly as sin.  So, would I recommend this sucker?  Let me get back to you...at this point, I could have fried an egg faster and if I boil eggs correctly, peeling them is just part of being a cook and it ain't that bad, however, I will try again and see if I can't improve on this new toy.  Hey, it was on sale, so I felt safe giving it a whirl.

And how is your Monday going?

Love Story

Norwegian Love Story




Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he
told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”



So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da general store, den walked back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes,she asked him, “Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”

Kind of brings a tear to your eye

Making a Baby, Hope for the Best

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to....'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

&&&&&&&&

Like me, I too am attempting to get into some kind of weight loss routine.  I was doing quite nicely with this Wii Fit program and while it was fun and I was getting more flexible, I was also losing a pound here and there or maintaining my weight.  I wasn't being over careful with my meals but I was consuming alot of sweets over the holidays -- duh!  Anyway, I found this Nike training app for my iphone and decided to give that try.  Holy shit, talk about a workout...that was unreal.  Then when I showered and cooled down, I weighed myself and had gained a pound.  Holy shit, that was not the game plan.  Nike helped me gain muscle and that is not what I wanted at all!!!  Back to Wii Fit, thank you very much and yes, a very sore body too boot!

Gotta love the effort, right?  I'd love to get outside and walk but icy sidewalks and crampons just don't make me feel comfortable. If we get a tad more snow, I will don my snowshoes and truly get a workout and as I like trekking about with these on, in the woods or even the field across the street, this will definitely see this ole lady sweating up a storm!  So for all of you into a weight loss program, go slow and my biggest suggestion is learn to change your eating habits and if you do that, you will drop weight.  It won't happen quickly but once off, it will stay off.  Amen

Eight Thoughts to Ponder

Number 8 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6 Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

One Armed Man

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms.

He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy. My balls itch.

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And the new year begins!  Hey, the temp is 39 degrees, its been raining like crazy and most of our snow has or is disappearing.  This is some weird weather pattern and I've yet to don my snowshoes and trek thru the woods, damn!

Not sure what this day will bring but one thing for sure, it's the start of serious weight loss. No more excuses or delays and I plan to do this easy and simple.  If i can lose 1 pound or 2 each week, that would be wonderful but I'm not gonna starve or deny myself the foods my body needs either.  However, I will cut back on the sweets, which I have enjoyed a great deal over the holidays.

So all you folks who have to day OFF, enjoy it and let the new year begin!

Happy New Year

Since the holidays are fast approaching, and you may be attending festivities where alcohol might be served, I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice bourbon.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident, which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.