Saturday Funny

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.


Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment..

For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:

Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Why Sharks Circle Before they Attack

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking




Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the Father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we Swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

No need to thank me, try to learn something new every day.

School Days

Involuntary Muscle Contractions




A professor at the University of Wisconsin was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to spice up his lecture.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

*&*&*&*&*&

Yup, it is Super Bowl Sunday and yes, I have my chicken wings.

When my beloved Dad was alive, we would watch this game together and he always fixed chicken wings and other items (some were his own creation and still unknown to me to this day). And unlike many from his generation, he also had healthy snacks too, aka carrots, celery, peanuts, popcorn, etc.  But nothing was better than his wings and a cold beer -- well, his company was certainly the best part.  Ya, I do miss my Dad!

Naw, I don't really have a fave team this year, my son is a huge, dieheart Patriots fan so he will be cheering for them but I'm kinda leaning toward the Giants.  I rather like Eli Manning and the Giants players.  Oh well, we shall see, eh?

Cannot believe I woke up and it was 4 freaking degrees -- sun is again trying to shine, very light wind and supposedly it will get warmer today, might hit the high 30s.  Now, if we should hit the 40s, haul out the sunscreen and shorts, eh?

In the meantime, I shall enjoy the Sunday morning and wait to see what else happens.  I really need to go to Wal-Mart but gotta tell ya, being retired and going during the week is much nicer, not so many people and you kinda have the entire place to yourself.  Hubby is suggesting we go out for breakfast and I'm stalling --wonder who's gonna win?

Church Ladies With Typewriters

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Pinch My Nipples

A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?';
In a huff, the woman says,'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'
The crowd broke into applause, and her money was quickly refunded!!

&&&&&&&

Well, tis the last day of January and I gotta say, this month has zoom along and brought us some really odd weather patterns, but mostly we have dealt with freezing rain and ice.  Our poor trees are bent over so badly that some just flat ass snapped and others, well, they may never return to an upright position. Two trees in my own yard have snapped and others are bent pretty low and hanging on for all they are worth, which ain't much.

 And in the course of all this ice, many lost power and learned how to live like a pioneer (no Internet -- how sad).  For kids "no school" which made them happy!  Plus, we have had lots of high winds and I mean, howling suckers -- ole Man Winter has blown things around good and I've seen bird feeders miles from where they originally hung and trash cans now gone forever.

Then the temp would go back up, hell we'd reach the high 30s and one day in the 40s and the birds came back --hungry, scared and anxious to check out various diners.  I am seeing cardinals, blue jays, chick-a-dees and those forever damn cackles.  No cackles in my yard tho.  Wait, I am not seeing Cardinals in my back yard, no yet.  They are timid little buggers but I have seen them at my son-in-law's yard and my sister-in-laws, so I just gotta be patient (not a strong trait).

Today Clint is with me and we got a few things planned.  For example, making Monkey Bread, this should be fun.  We also got a few things to paint, which is messy but fun  and of course, Meme got some new books to entertain him too.  I love having him spend the day with me, he is so busy and fun.  The only thing that would make this more fun was if the other grandkids were here, yes they are older but Ella just adores Clint as does Alex and they are so cute together.

Okay, time to get ready for my special package -- he is due any minute.  Have a lovely day..oh come on, its the last day of January and then, on to the shortest month.

Making Firewood

Now this is one determined two year old, of course, Meme egging him on has some merit as well. But loved his expressions...ain't he gonna be a fun teenager?

Well, it is Friday and schools are closed due to icy roads and once again, our poor trees are covered in ice and bending again.  I doubt some of these birch trees will ever pop back up-- and many, sadly have just flat ass snapped.  Even maple trees can't stand this ice-weight on their branches. And of course, icy power lines and trees, means not only slick roads but, for many, loss of power.

As for me I am fighting off a damn head cold, hate this stuffy business and a nice, long hot shower, then vicks on the chest seems to be working. Someone once said, "rub vicks on your feet too."  Well, I didn't go that far!!!  But before I could even shower, I had to watch the tennis match.  I was so hoping Andy Murray would topple Novak but alas, he prevailed. So the final for the Australian open will be Novak and Rafa.

Oh my goodness, now it is raining, temp is hovering around 33 degrees, no wind but man it is damp out there and slick.  Have a good Friday and enjoy the video.

New Texas Priest

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is
nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his
sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step
out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with
one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand, and repeats all the
suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee
and saying, 'No shit, what happened next?'"

Ponder this

You can always count on Maxine to put things into perspective

I bought a bird feeder. I hung
It on my back porch and filled
It with seed. What a beauty of
A bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed. Within a
Week we had hundreds of birds

Taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
Easily accessible food.
But then the birds started
Building nests in the boards
Of the patio, above the table,
And next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was
Everywhere: on the patio tile,
The chairs, the table ..
Everywhere!

Then some of the birds
Turned mean. They would
Dive bomb me and try to
Peck me even though I had
Fed them out of my own
Pocket.

And others birds were
Boisterous and loud. They
Sat on the feeder and
Squawked and screamed at
All hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it
When it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
Sit on my own back porch
Anymore. So I took down the
Bird feeder and in three days
The birds were gone. I cleaned
Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built
All over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
It used to be .... Quiet, serene....
And no one demanding their
Rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.
Our government gives out
Free food, subsidized housing,
Free medical care and free
Education, and allows anyone
Born here to be an automatic
Citizen.

Then the illegal's came by the
Tens of thousands. Suddenly
Our taxes went up to pay for
Free services; small apartments
Are housing 5 families; you
Have to wait 6 hours to be seen
By an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
Behind other schools because
Over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
Bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
Talk to me in English, and
People waving flags other
Than 'Old Glory' are
Squawking and screaming
In the streets, demanding
More rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
To take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not,
Just continue cleaning up the poop

Bewildered Cowboy

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River . He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.


Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.
 

&&&%&&&&&

 

Well, it is Monday morning and dark outside so I have no real "look" at the weather conditions.  However, my temp gauge is claiming 12 degrees but the high today,supposedly will be 39 (with some rain -- huh?).  Normally I kinda like rain, nothing makes for better sleeping sounds than rain falling on the roof but in winter, forget it. Rain means ice and ice means slippery roads and walks and that means, fall on your ass or walk like you are 100 years old.  Ice also makes everyone look the same age just because of how we walk!

 

Yes, thank you I had a lovely weekend.  Attempted to go swimming at the campus pool (again, supposedly it was free public swim time) only to learn it is next weekend...shit!  Fun proving my swim  suit still fit but also reminded me, "buy a new suit this season!"

 

Had fun hanging out with my grandson for an hour or so, then my dau and I headed to town to drive store clerks crazy as we did our shopping. It was a fun outing but frustrating for her. Seems like every time she goes on line to get a script filled, it never is ready because they have to wait until she reminds them they needed to add the grape flavoring.  WTH?

 

Yes of course I watched the football games, first the Patriots kick ass and finally the Giants got their act together and now, these two are headed for the Super Bowl. As my nephew says, I could care less who wins, I'll be wearing my Bronco jersey, eating good eats and drinking beer."  Gotta love his attitude!

 

So Monday, bring it on -- I may have two sick kids to watch -- grandson and his Mommy -- oh how fun is that -- slap both their asses in bed and tell them to sleep and rest.  And now for a little insight into how grandchildren perceive their grandparents:

 

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Layman's Ten Commandments.

Someone wrote these beautiful words… try to understand the deep meaning of it…these are like the ten commandments to follow in life all the time…


1] Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.


2] So a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the Rear view Mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, Look Ahead and Move on.


3] Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.


4] All things in life are temporary. If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either.

5] Old Friends are Gold! New Friends are Diamond! If you get a Diamond, don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a Base of Gold!


6] Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!

7] When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.

8] A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!"

9] When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them, and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.

10] WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES, it takes away today's PEACE.

Snowshoeing

Yes, we finally got enough snow for me to engage in a winter activity that I just love -- snow shoeing.

First, I had to endure three miserable days of rain, slush, ice, snow, wind and below zero temps, not to mention a wind chill that had squirrels hiding more than nuts!

Then a heat wave hit, 23 degrees and damnit, I was gonna don my snowshoes and trek about, if only in my own yard, like a pro.  Oh ya, great weather, light snow falling, no wind and it was just wonderful.  Only one small problem, this idiot forgot to check her equipment and as I was so thrilled to be out and about, decided to extend my hike and quickly discovered (as I nearly fell on my face) that one shoe was completely undone.  The damn strap was not secure and eventually it managed to "wiggle" free and how in hell I managed to keep my boot in the strap at all was amazing. But when you feel yourself "tripping" with snowshoes, you know something ain't right.  Plus, you look pretty silly too.  Oh well, as folks watched me, from the cosy warmth of their front windows, I definitely entertained them, with my quick step and no-fall performance. But the slow, dragging shoe back home walk was anything but fun.

Once in garage I fixed this problem and chewed myself out (mentally) for not checking this before...damn ole fool.  Then I debated whether to continue snow shoeing or give it up for the day?  I gave it up...if you exert too much on the first outing, you could hurt yourself and that would delay further outings, so this was good...30 minute workout and a nice sweat going, I was content.

Okay, now I am like many of you folks, wanna lose some weight but ain't gonna go crazy with this diet and that diet.  Walking is kinda out of the picture what with the icy sidewalks and below zero temps and driving to some gym to walk around is not exactly my idea of fun.  Ya, snowshoeing is what I do when the weather permits and I also fire up the Wii fitness program and do that number and let's not forget the lovely Zumba dance.  Hey, I got no rhythm, so I just bounce around, work up a sweat and keep things flexible and moving.  Some days I get carried away, thinking I'm much younger and pay for it with a sore muscle and aching bones (walk much slower on those days too).
And like many I read all these weight losing ideas and healthy eating plans. Who in hell has time for all that shit anyway?  The latest was weight saving tips aroundthe world...oh ya, this was gonna be interesting.  I won't list all but some cracked me up:

• Eat slower -- Americans tend to eat way too fast, so slow down, enjoy your meal.
• Spicey food is good for you -- helps burn calories (also cuts down on what you eat cause your mouth is on fire!)
• Eat more rice and beans (don't go out afterwards and only hang around friends, they'll be the only ones who can stand you).
• Eat at home (what a novel idea).
• Forget ordering supersized meals, they no longer exits (did MacDonald's know this)
• Yes, for chrissake, EAT BREAKFAST. Every country makes this claim and has their own idea of what that should consisit of -- just eat something.
• Swap the gas pedal for the bike pedal (now in the winter this might be a bit awkward but what the hell Norway does it, so can we, right).
• Crunch more pickles -- well, ain't that amazing...

So, there is your healthy list for 2012 -- basically, it remains the same in my book, move your ass and cut back on calories. Eat more fruits and vegetables and exercise.  Weight will drop slowly but the biggest accomplishment will be the reality that you have changed your eating habits and now, you will feel better, keep the pounds off, and clothes will finally be baggy.

Retirement

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.


Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for a senior who still works and refuses to retire?Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Or move back in there . . .

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break spiked !

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he worked with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....

QUESTION: What do you do all week?

Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied..'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

A nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.I'm half blind,can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.I';ve lost all my friends. But, thank God,I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing

Farm Kid Joins the Marines

West Virginia FARM KID in Marines (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING )

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Reunion

OH ME !!!


Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's

leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at WalMart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Eggies

Okay, I admit it...sometimes those damn TV commericals get to me and I actually break down and buy some of that crap.  And to be fair, some times its worth it but other times,well, it's more a challenge and waste of money.  Ya, like you haven't done this too -- give me a break!

For weeks I have been watching (like I have a choice when those damn commericals hit) "never peel a hard boiled egg again," and look at all the fun things you can do with these eggies: crack, boil, twist and eat!  Make delicious deviled eggs, great for Chef salads and tasty eggs Benedict.  Ok now here is the real story.  First ya gotta wash these suckers, that is a given, right?

Then you gotta spray a paper towel with cooking spray and spread into the top and bottom eggie (not allowed to spray directly).  Then, crack an egg and put in the eggie, screw on top and once you get all this done, put in a pan with tap water, make sure the eggies float and bring to boil.  Once boiling hard, reduce to a low boil and cook per instructions...i.e.: soft, medium or hard boil.  Oh ya there is some give on the egg size as well.

Then use a slotted spoon, remove from water, wait 3-4 minutes (this is the lovely cooling process), twist off top, middle ring and slid egg onto your plate.  Hello, the cooking times suck and as for sliding out the egg, no way, I had to use a knife to loosen the sucker onto my plate.  And I was going for a medium soft egg...not this running glob that looked ugly as sin.  So, would I recommend this sucker?  Let me get back to you...at this point, I could have fried an egg faster and if I boil eggs correctly, peeling them is just part of being a cook and it ain't that bad, however, I will try again and see if I can't improve on this new toy.  Hey, it was on sale, so I felt safe giving it a whirl.

And how is your Monday going?

Love Story

Norwegian Love Story




Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he
told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”



So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da general store, den walked back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes,she asked him, “Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”

Kind of brings a tear to your eye

Making a Baby, Hope for the Best

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to....'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

&&&&&&&&

Like me, I too am attempting to get into some kind of weight loss routine.  I was doing quite nicely with this Wii Fit program and while it was fun and I was getting more flexible, I was also losing a pound here and there or maintaining my weight.  I wasn't being over careful with my meals but I was consuming alot of sweets over the holidays -- duh!  Anyway, I found this Nike training app for my iphone and decided to give that try.  Holy shit, talk about a workout...that was unreal.  Then when I showered and cooled down, I weighed myself and had gained a pound.  Holy shit, that was not the game plan.  Nike helped me gain muscle and that is not what I wanted at all!!!  Back to Wii Fit, thank you very much and yes, a very sore body too boot!

Gotta love the effort, right?  I'd love to get outside and walk but icy sidewalks and crampons just don't make me feel comfortable. If we get a tad more snow, I will don my snowshoes and truly get a workout and as I like trekking about with these on, in the woods or even the field across the street, this will definitely see this ole lady sweating up a storm!  So for all of you into a weight loss program, go slow and my biggest suggestion is learn to change your eating habits and if you do that, you will drop weight.  It won't happen quickly but once off, it will stay off.  Amen

Eight Thoughts to Ponder

Number 8 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6 Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

One Armed Man

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms.

He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy. My balls itch.

*****************************************************************

And the new year begins!  Hey, the temp is 39 degrees, its been raining like crazy and most of our snow has or is disappearing.  This is some weird weather pattern and I've yet to don my snowshoes and trek thru the woods, damn!

Not sure what this day will bring but one thing for sure, it's the start of serious weight loss. No more excuses or delays and I plan to do this easy and simple.  If i can lose 1 pound or 2 each week, that would be wonderful but I'm not gonna starve or deny myself the foods my body needs either.  However, I will cut back on the sweets, which I have enjoyed a great deal over the holidays.

So all you folks who have to day OFF, enjoy it and let the new year begin!

Happy New Year

Since the holidays are fast approaching, and you may be attending festivities where alcohol might be served, I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice bourbon.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident, which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

What a Year

It's been one hell of a year and the photo above is my grandson, who is two, helping to make home-made laundry soap.  You see, my daughter decided this was not only cheaper but nicer soap to use,so she made a batch and gave me (and others) a small sample. Well, it worked so well, I decided to have my own bucket of home-made soap. Long story-short, using this is approximately 7 cents per load and your clothes are not only brighter but softer too.  And for the record my sister has been making her own laundry soap for years -- why didn't I catch that bug years ago?

Well, let's get crazy and admit, during the holiday season we tend to look back and relish all those memories,from early childhood to our present day.  We also realize that (1) we are getting older and (2) many good people have passed and that sucks big time.

2011 started out rough for me -- I learned I had colon cancer and like most, just was in a state of denial and shock.  Then I had surgery and all the cancer was gone along with a huge section of my large intestine.  Now I not only had to recover from this major surgical operation but I would spend considerable time (for the rest of my life I suppose) learning what I can and cannot eat if I wish to live comfortably. Also, big meals are no longer possible and it's like I am "grazing" all damn day but it works better and I don't feel so -what is the word -- uncomfortable!

By the end of 2011 I had more tests done, EUS (endoscopic ultrasound) where they went down my throat and look around in my pancreas and then, another lovely colonoscopy and got a clean bill of health -- hurrah.  While I was going through this, my son was also going through his testing and he too remains in remission.  The Lord is definitely keeping tabs on us.

Our oldest grandchild graduated from High School and we were in Minnesota to witness that achievement ..good job.  He has elected to spend a year or two working, saving money, etc before he heads to college.  He assure us he will go to college but just not right now.

My sisters all came to my home so we could have our annual sister's get-together and we had a blast -- here are a few photos to prove it:

We had a blast and there are many photos that I just can't post at this time.  Now, 2012 will see us in Florida.  First, the road trip to Florida will be a hoot (we had a blast last time) and once there, we plan to hit a few more islands, pig out on fresh seafood and once again, just flat out enjoy each other's company and laugh like crazy.  Us girls are the only children left out of seven and we just keep making memories.

So to each and everyone of you, have a Happy New Year!

Male Strippers

Male Strippers


Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club .

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunatel y, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!

Didn't see that coming, did ya?

Merry Christmas

MY THANKS TO ALL OF YOU ...As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.


I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE

I can't ever pick up a 10 cent coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

What's In the Box?

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check-out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog.”

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, “That smells like shit.”

The little old lady said, “It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper.”

So…………………………………. Don’t mess with old people!

Onions & Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers,'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

&&&&&&

The other night my granddaughter called me and needed help with a Science Project.  "I need to name 22 things that come from plants."  Okay, this is easy, if its not meat or fish, it came from a plant. And we began naming things, coconut, green beans, kiwi, potatoes, bananas, etc. Then she said, "that's it Grandma, got enough, thank you. Love you bye."

About twenty minutes later she called me back; "Grandma, a big box came today and there is nothing inside it for me, what is that?"  Oh honey, there are two boxes coming and trust me, there are things for you in that box for sure. "But Gramma, there was nothing for me in this box?"  Well, I don't think it was my box because I don't think Grandpa sorted things out to exclude you, be patient another box is due Wednesday.  She wasn't overly convinced but she accepted the answer, said good bye and hung up.  My daughter upon hearing this tale said, "Oh maybe it was my box that arrived and if so, there was nothing in it for her because I had stuff, online, sent directly to her."  Great, now I have a better answer. Don't ya love the holiday season!!

Today I get a pedicure and my first ever facial and yes, I am stoked.  Now, what does wear to such a performance?  Come on, its chilly here, raining so I ain't gonna be wearing crocs and as for my face, well, that just goes with me whenever so I am not too worried!!!  Yes, of course, idiot, I will wear clothes, ye gads!!!

I started the job I detest the most, wrapping gifts and I think I have used two roles of scotch tape.  In fact, I am seriously thinking duct tape would be good and it comes in various colors too.  I really admire those folks who measure out the wrapping paper, very carefully fold edges and end up with this neat looking package and even slap a bow on it to make it even nicer.  Hell, I slap a bow on to hide the hole I made while attempting to make the ends cover the entire gift!  Come on, a bag, tissue paper and a tag and I'm golden!!!

You know you're getting old when:  Your head makes promises your body can't possibly keep.

The Black Bra

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door

Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this.....)

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a Merry Christmas & a great holiday season!!

Funny---$5.37

It could happen to any of us... This is so funny; I hope you enjoy it.

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to get some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind!"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus:

The car seat in the back seat.  Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach
growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He
was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.  The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!

*&^&**&^&^&*

Hope you all had a good weekend, I surely did and nothing is more fun that baking and making decorations with a grandchild.  And I don't care what age that kid is either.  Two year old are tons of fun. He loved baking those cake tops,well, he liked the decorating and tasting part best (smart kid).  Then later his Mommy and I went downtown to enjoy Norwood's Festival and, we were standing with everyone else, cold and wishing Santa would hurry up and wham, the parade began and there was Santa! Not sure about the turnout but it sure looked like many did show up and everyone had a good time.  The cold weather was a bit biting so we didn't hang around long but sufficient to know this was well organized and enjoyable.

Sunday night I gotta tell ya, I was a tad weary of football games, my eyeballs needed something else to watch for awhile. So I dug out ole home movies that I had converted onto a VHS tape.  Come on, watching Christmas 1996 was great fun and my parents were still alive and very active then too.  Even my older brother and his wife were on this tape and it was such a wonderful memory lane jolt I may just watch it again.  I need to find the tape of the Minnesota Christmases so I can watch that too.  I really miss the Minnesota kids --wish we all lived closer but hey, its the holidays we make do and its not like we don't see each other, we do.

So today I'm not real sure what's on my ticket, some baking for sure, maybe a trip to Massena to pick up a few gifts but before all that begins, once I can see daylight, I shall get in my morning walk  -- its around 32 degrees, so the thermals are on and I shall bundle up to stay warm.  My biggest concern is the road conditions...are they slick and if so, I need to don my skid protectors.  Sorry but I am no fan of falling on the hard ground and spraining or breaking some body part.  After all, this year I definitely am gonna snow shoe and perhaps, once again, try my luck with cross country skiing.

Heart Warming Story about the Elderly

When we get older we think differently, don't we?



This is a touching story. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio, forwards the following letter: The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank  you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless  you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she
would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's  way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely, Agnes Baker

Santa & Grandma

I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid.

I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: "There is no Santa Claus," she jeered. "Even dummies know that!"

My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her "world-famous" cinnamon buns. I knew they were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.
Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. "No Santa Claus?" she snorted...."Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad!! Now, put on your coat, and let's go."

"Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked. I hadn't even finished my second world-famous cinnamon bun. "Where" turned out to be Kerby's General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle in those days. "Take this money," she said, "and buy something for someone who needs it. I'll wait for you in the car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's.

I was only eight years old. I'd often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping.

For a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten-dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for.

I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church.

I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock's grade-two class. Bobby Decker didn't have a coat. I knew that because he never went out to recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn't have a cough; he didn't have a good coat. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat!
I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that.

"Is this a Christmas present for someone?" the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. "Yes, ma'am," I replied shyly. "It's for Bobby."

The nice lady smiled at me, as I told her about how Bobby really needed a good winter coat. I didn't get any change, but she put the coat in a bag, smiled again, and wished me a Merry Christmas.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat (a little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) in Christmas paper and ribbons and wrote, "To Bobby, From Santa Claus" on it.

Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobby Decker's house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially, one of Santa's helpers.

Grandma parked down the street from Bobby's house, and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge. "All right, Santa Claus," she whispered, "get going."

I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded his door and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma.

Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally it did, and there stood Bobby.

Fifty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker's bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were -- ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.

I still have the Bible, with the coat tag tucked inside: $19.95.

May you always have LOVE to share, HEALTH to spare and FRIENDS that care...
And may you always believe in the magic of Santa Claus!

**********************

An old married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the

remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel

and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.

You already know how to fish"

An Irish Pope

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man
and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!

&&&&&&&&

Well, another Monday morning is upon us, how delightful.  I was gonna take my morning walk but the downpour has convinced me inside exercises will be needed today. Guess that means housework, laundry and dusting, shit!

Good football games yesterday tho -- I fell asleep during one but managed to wake to see the end, which is always a good sign.  More football tonight, yay!!!

Hey, you all have a good day today, okay?  Keep smiling!!!

Bad Mood Remover

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!


1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.


2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.


3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take The Psycho Path



4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It (I love that one!)

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!



6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.


9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

2. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
 A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.


15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?! The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
(Hey, wait a minute, that's not funny)

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang, Whack!

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto--a True Story

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky. What you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. It mean someone stole tent."

***************

Well, its Saturday morning, a bit chilly outside but no snow. Now, we did have a five minute snow storm yesterday,kinda pretty but nothing stuck and it was all over before you get a camera ready!  Oh have no fear, we'll get the white stuff in quick order and then, haul out the snow shoes and hike in the woods.  Now this is one hell of a workout and quite fun too.

Once again, we are inviting our dau and grandson to join us for breakfast and then, on to grocery shopping.  Only this time I will bring a spare car key cuz I ain't gonna see us locked out of the car again...that performance is not worth repeating at least not for a long, long time.

Next week is a tad busy, what with doctor appointments and all but at some point, we really gotta get busy and get stuff wrapped and ready to mail to the Minnesota crew or it'll be late and nobody wants late Christmas gifts,right?  As for shopping, again I down to stock stuffers and perhaps a few things for good ole Dad but who knows, I could be done and that is fine with me too.

Have a lovely day and wishing the Warroad Squirt A team good luck on their weekend hockey game and trip...go team.

Just Watch its Amazing

Chew Gum

SLU prof says chew gum before big test and it could help
Wednesday, November 30, 2011 - 5:11 pm

CANTON -- Research by a St. Lawrence University psychology professor suggests that if you’re a student and have an important test coming up, you might do better if you chew some gum.

St. Lawrence University Assistant Professor of Psychology Serge Onyper conducted a study that showed that students who chewed gum for five minutes before taking a test did better on the test than non-gum-chewing students. “Mastication-induced arousal” is credited for the boost, which lasted for about the first 20 minutes or so of testing. Results of the study were published in the journal Appetite.

A “battery of cognitive tasks” was given to the study participants, who chewed gum either prior to or throughout testing. Their performance was then compared with subjects who did not chew gum.

Many studies have shown that any type of physical activity can produce a performance boost. This study points indicates that even mild physical activity might bring on such a boost.

Chewing gum seems to have given the subjects multiple advantages, but only when chewed for five minutes before testing, not for the duration of the test. Benefits persisted for the first 15 to 20 minutes of testing only. Onyper notes that a possible reason the benefits didn’t continue throughout testing may be due to “a sharing of resources by cognitive and masticatory processes.”

In other words, you can’t chew gum and think productively at the same time.

Onyper was the lead researcher on a study presented earlier this year showing that students who took classes starting earlier in the morning tended to get higher grades, even though they may have gotten less sleep.

So now you know what to pack when your kid has an exam! As a former teacher, I outlawed gum in my classroom -- I detested the gum--smacking chewing performance of those who found making loud noises so attractive!!!  But this was a 100 years ago, who knows what happens now!!!

Well, I have tried the molded cookie sheets and to date, have not found recipe that works in them, someone suggested cake batter and all I could think was; "that's gonna be small pieces of cake."  So now I'm thinking they might be candy molds?  Whatever,this is one challenge I can't beat so forget..those pans will be in the yard sale next spring for damn sure.

Hubby nicely shared his cold with me, now I have the sucker and last night I took some NyQuil early and man, that stuff kicked in fast and I was struggling to stay awake.  Clint was over here with us, helping Papa set up the train under the Christmas tree and the train just doesn't go fast enough for him, he wants to push it around the track.  It's battery operated and cute as hell but again, not speedy enough for him.

Oh hell no, no tree up or inside decorations out, outside lights are done but inside haven't even started on them.  I will get to them but so far I've been busy with other stuff. We just use a fiber optic tree these days, it works and we like it so that is that but I do have various holiday items around the house to make it look like Christmas.

My friend pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told me
"That's us in 10 years".

I said "That's a mirror, dip-shit!