My Part Died

You need a sense of humor to work  in a nursing home ~ that is for sure.

M Y PRIVATE PART DIED  An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse  Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.  'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'  Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'  The  following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.  He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.  Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'  'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'  'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'  (You've gotta love this.)  'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.' IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!!

Philosophical Discussion

This is from a man, in case you wondered!

Very good point!!!

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple of nice cold beers.  The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.  Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.  Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and here is the reason for my conclusion:  a year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

&&&&&&&

Well, September is nearly over and our weather has definitely gotten cooler, in fact its been down right chilly some mornings and we are getting lots of rain too.  This bone-chilling dampness just sinks into my bones and makes me  cold and that is not fun. Ya, dress warmer fool, summer is over, time to haul out the sweatpants and sweat shirts.

Hope you're all enjoying the Fall weather and doing all the Fall things, like raking leaves, collecting pumpkins, fixing squash and hell, decorating your homes and of course, putting summer things away for the winter months.  I still got to do the patio but need to wait until I can get some assistance.

Hunting Season in Texas

It was Saturday morning as Jake,  an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. 

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" 

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" 

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. 

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas. 

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." 

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. 

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get the hell away from my deer!" 

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the hell away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! 

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air. 

The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your damn deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

For all the women who drive alone

FOR ALL THE WOMEN I KNOW THAT DRIVE ALONE!

I had a flat tire on the I-294 yesterday ; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.
I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!

Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road.

People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.

He wanted to know what the heck I was doing so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat. He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.

I couldn't believe he didn't know! So I told him ...

Well, I explained to the angry Policeman ...

They're my Emergency Flashers!

             I   go to court in July

            (Damn Police. No sense of humor

Oxymorons

1.   Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 2.     Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 3.   If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 4.   If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 5.   Why do we say something is out of whack?   What is a whack? 6.   Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 7.   Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 8.   Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 9.  Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 10.   Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting? 11.   Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 12..   Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 13..   Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 14.  Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? 15.   Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 16.   If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 17..   If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 18.   If   love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 19.   If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 20.   Why is bra singular and panties plural? 21..  Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? 22.  Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 23.   How come abbreviated is such a long word? 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 25..   Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 26.   Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? 27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?     28.  Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? I dunno, why do we?

*************************

Ya, this definitely gave you pause to think, didn't it?  So, it's now Thursday and altho it is early as I post this, it looks it gonna be a nice day. Tad nippy this morning but hey, its 6:30 what can ya expect.

   I won't get to enjoy much of the outdoors tho--surgery day to have a port inserted -- lovely.  I wonder how many scars my chest can have?  Oh well, we do what we need to do and that is all we can do, right?

Homeless Funeral

A Homeless Man's Funeral, True & Very Sad

A Homeless Man's Funeral

 

       As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, Being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions.

 

       I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

 

       I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

 

       And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

 

       They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

 

       When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

 

       Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

       Apparently I'm still lost.

 

       It's a man thing.

   

The Fence Test

Which side of the fence? 
If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test! 

If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. 
If a Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed. 

If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat. 
If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone. 

If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. 
If a Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated respect. 

If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. 
A Democrat wonders who is going to take care of him. 

If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels. 
Democrats demand that those they don't like be shut down. 

If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church. 
A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. 

If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A Democrat demands that the rest of us pay for his. 

If a Republican reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh. 
A Democrat will delete it because he's "offended".

&&&^%$$%

Don't ya just love this time of year -- okay, nobody is ready to see summer end or cold weather return but cool temps are certainly welcomed and hey, low to no humidity is delightful...not to mention, cool temps usually means the mosquitoes have decided to go to a warmer climate.

But the fun, at least for those of us not having to do this work, is witnessing everyone hauling things back into garages, storage sheds or in some cases, homes because such items are no longer practical now that the leaves are changing and within a few months, the white stuff will return.  As for me, hubby has declared October will see us cleaning the patio off -- oh goodies, by then I shan't be able to help at all -- good plan.  However, I have emptied, dried, deflated and put away the pool, rolled up the carpet under the pool and put away various pots and garden tools.  However, I also know that I need to buy some "tubs" or "storage containers" to replace the ones that are falling apart in the shed at the moment and causing major concern.  Yet I also know, once I get these tubs/storage cans, I need to sort thru shit and toss stuff out.  Always a fun process and if Hubby is around, my pack-rat will think we should keep certain things a big longer (his stuff for damn sure, not mine).

Here's a photo of us 44 years ago, yup we just celebrated 44 years of marriage.  Hey, come on, we got married while in Vietnam, and we have managed to stay together, have two kids and see four grandchildren entertain  us and become the joy of our lives.

This month hold some challenges for me but I shall meet them head on and do whatever is necessary to insure I am here, on this side of the dirt, for quite a few more years.

Take care everyone, slow down and remember school is back in session, kids are crossing roads, school buses demand our attention and for crying out loud, keep smiling.

Why Mitt is not Likeable

                          Why Mitt Romney is Unlikable!
> 
> One of the BEST things I've seen to date!!! 
> Now, THIS is what we need to be circulating!
> A lot is being said in the media about Mitt Romney not being "likable"
> or that he doesn't "relate well" to people. Frankly, we struggled to
> understand why. So after much research, we have come up with a Top Ten
> List to explain this "unlikablility."
> Top Ten Reasons To Dislike Mitt Romney:

> 1. Drop-dead, collar-ad handsome with gracious, statesmanlike aura.
> Looks like every central casting's #1 choice for Commander-in-Chief.
> 2. Been married to ONE woman his entire life, and has been 
> faithful to
> her, including through her bouts with breast cancer and MS.
> 3. No scandals or skeletons in his closet. (How boring is that?)
> 4. Can't speak in a fake, southern, "black preacher voice" when
> necessary.
> 5. Highly intelligent. Graduated cum laude from both Harvard Law
> School and Harvard Business School, and by the way, his academic
> records are NOT sealed.
> 6. Doesn't smoke or drink alcohol, and has never done drugs, not even
> in the counter-culture age when he went to college. Too square for
> today's America?
> 7. Represents an America of "yesterday", where people believed in God,
> went to Church, didn't screw around, worked hard, and became a
> SUCCESS!
> 8. Has a family of five great sons....and none of them have police
> records or are in drug rehab. But of course, they were raised by a
> stay-at-home mom, and that "choice" deserves America's scorn.
> 9. Oh yes.....he's a MORMON. We need to be very afraid of that very
> strange religion that teaches its members to be clean-living,
> patriotic, fiscally conservative, charitable, self-reliant, and
> honest.
> 10. And one more point.....pundits say because of his wealth, he can't
> relate to ordinary Americans. I guess that's because he made that
> money HIMSELF.....as opposed to marrying it or inheriting it from Dad.
> Apparently, he didn't understand that actually working at a job and
> earning your own money made you un-relatable to Americans.
> My goodness, it's a strange world, isn't it? 

Sitting in a Pew

In church, while reverently preparing for the service, I heard a sweet little old lady, sitting next to me in the pew, quietly whispering a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you.

She said,  "Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years ... You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite musician Michael Jackson, my favorite salesman Billy Mays, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer Whitney Houston, and, now, my favorite announcer Dick Clark.

I just wanted you to know that my favorite politician is Barack Obama.

Amen."  

Blonde MALE Jokes

 A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. 
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. 
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
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A blonde man  is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" 
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. 
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
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A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. 
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone 
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. 
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------

A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. 
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him

hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------

(This one actually makes sense.) 

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."