Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year

Glitter Graphics
Oh hell, you didn't think I would forget to wish you all a Happy New Year, now did you?

It's been a strange and at times, very difficult 2010 but I believe 2011 is gonna be wonderful and look forward to all the memories I'm gonna make and the fun I will have exploring and meeting whatever challenges come my way.

I know we have lost loved ones and good people this year and that breaks my heart, I lost my last remaining brother and that has left a void in my life that will take a long time to fill.  My saving grace is that I still have my sisters and my friends, so life remains good.

Just remember:  Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art!!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas is Over....:)


I know, it just doesn't make much sense. We work so hard and anticipate this wonderful day and it arrives and we are so happy. We get gifts, we are surrounded by loved ones and of course we eat more than we should and for some, we do realize the real meaning of this day, the birth of our Savior.

And then it is over and now everyone wants to know "how was your Christmas?"  Basically what this really means, what in hell did you get?  Some of the surprises are precious and I mean just flippin special.  For me taking photos and watching  my youngest grandson figure out what this was all about was awesome.  All these packages and now, now he gets to rip into them--huh? Hardest was not having my son and his family with us but hey, they did fine on this too day!

I got lots of neat stuff and thought the gift opening was done when my daughter and son-in-law said; "Wait we got one more gift."  Behind me was this huge bag, which I assumed had gifts inside and soon it was dragged in front of me and holy smokes--the picture below is what was inside this bag:
Do you see this sucker? Do you know what this is?  It's an inflatable kayak for two people and something I have wanted for years.  Now I want the warm weather to be here so I can try this bad boy out.  Oh man, summer is gonna be something this year, getting my ass in that kayak and paddling along like a crazy woman. Ya, learning how to do all this will be half the fun but still its an awesome gift and something I am damn anxious to do! So to the Crosbie's, thank you so much.

And to the Minnesota Rourk's loved all my gifts from you guys too...the RBS sweatshirt is perfect. And Friend, well, what can I say, Friend always gives me the best kitchen tools!!!

Oh I also got a kindle (electronic book) and it took a few minutes to figure out how to operate and download a book I was anxious to read but, managed to do that too. Well, with some help from Papa.

Soo, now it is Monday, colder than hell here and the wind is making it even colder. What to do? Went to Curves (oh by the way, my goal was to lost 20 pounds by Christmas, I lost 19 -- one lousy pound off); then came back and played with Clint for awhile and finally got home and, you know what happened next, don't ya? Took down the Christmas tree and packed up the decorations.  House is back to normal again.

When Insults Has Class

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my Husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the allows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." -Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the Dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
Friend.... If you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... If there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating


"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -Jack E. Leonard



"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -Robert Redford



"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -Thomas Brackett Reed




"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

-Charles, Count Talleyrand



"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -Forrest Tucker



"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain



"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West



"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde



"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support

Rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (18 44-1912)



"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder



"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Dinner

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present th at had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Golf

Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.



His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they've lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the ass and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf ' and she said ..... "Take a sweater."

Monday, December 20, 2010

I Think this is US

I never really liked the terminology "Old Farts" but this makes me feel better about it.


And if you ain't one, I bet ya you know one! I got this from an "Old Fart" friend of mine!
OLD FART PRIDE

I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see. Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the Star Spangled Banner (or O Canada ). Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.

Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbour , Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .

If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.

Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.

Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.

It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Farts!
Pass this on to all the "Old Farts" you know.

I was taught to respect my elders.It's just getting harder to find them.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Farmer and The Mule

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.



One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.



All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her graveyard-dead on the spot.



At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.



This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.



The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'



'And what about the men?' the minister asked.



'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Alaska...camping

Okay, I can't resist sharing this with you and if you look (and you will) this is like the 3rd post for today!  Ya, and yesterday you got nothing, live with it!!!

Anyway, last night TV wasn't the greatest and I happen to find Sarah Palin's Alaska show quite entertaining and even educational.  Now her voice tends to grate on my nerves until she settles down and speaks normally, then its not so bad.  Look I ain't gonna get into her politics and all that crap, everyone has their own opinion and that is fine.

Last night it was Kate Gosselin and kids joining Sarah and family on a camping trip.  OMG I nearly wet my pants laughing.  Kate is no camper and that is clearly and duly noted.  Hey, even Sarah (bless her heart) said she'd probably feel out of her element in some big city or on a red carpet (good save Sarah!).  But Sarah's Dad said it best, "that woman bitched from the minute she got off the plane!"

First they had a class on how to deal with bears, the idea being bears are more afraid of you and making lot of noise helps, etc.  Then, they had lessons on how to shoot a gun -- again, the noise to scare the bears away was the objective, not shooting a bear. And again, Kate was not into this at all. As memory serves she did shoot the gun but one shot and she was done, "you handle the shooting Sarah," was her comment or statement or demand.

Now nobody can control the weather so it was raining, not huge downpours but sufficient to make things damp and chilly -- hey, it is Alaska folks.  The kids were having a blast, collecting firewood, fishing, checking out tracks, collecting rocks then laying them out in the shape of Alaska and even cooking marsh mellows to make snores.  And Kate, hell, she stood under the tent, whining the entire time about how cold she was, this was not fun and how can anyone enjoy this.  I guess her idea of camping is an RV or hotel room or perhaps a heated cabin.  Even the burgers cooked over an open fire were distasteful to her.

So, without further ado and waiting as long as possible, she finally said this was it, she was leaving. She asked the kids if they wanted to come with her and they said no, so she said, "okay, you're now Palin kids, no longer Gosselin kids!"  I mean, come on, how damn immature can one woman be?!

Anyway, she left, with all 8 kids or how ever many she has and Sarah and her family stayed, sat around the camp fire, laughed, had a good time and even slept in the tents over night.  In all fairness, it didn't look that bad and hey, I for one would love to camp with Sarah and her family...once those damn cameras quit I bet she is a hoot!

Hey,you get a chance,watch her show, really its pretty amazing and Alaska truly does have some awesome sights.

Go Slowly Please

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic
Slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
Chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office And said, "You've got to do something about all Of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers Go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff And said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county Workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called And called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are Doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."

He was going to let Farmer John do just about Anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been Killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to Himself, "I'd better go out there and take a Look at that sign... It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, And his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....


NUDIST COLONY: Go slow and watch out for chicks!

Early Christmas Gift

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.


"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

.



.



."Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Aw Cold Weather

Okay, listen up, you live in a part of the country that truly does honor and has the four seasons. So what in hell is your problem? Winter is one of those seasons and it means, entails if you prefer, cold temps and the white stuff…hello, this has been this way for eons, so why the surprise? Oh ya, I get it, you’d like a white Christmas, that is so pretty but that’s it, once you get this white blanket, stop all ready and don’t drop anymore, right? And heaven forbid the temp fluctuates back and forth and never gets higher than say 50 degrees! And what about no sunshine, are we intended to be mole people for three months?

Hey, I hear ya and like you, I too have my bitching issues. First foremost is the fact that while I like winter and playing in the snow is fun, hey, snowshoeing is great fun as is skiing and sledding ain’t so bad either. As for ice skating, forget that, did it as a kid but the ankles no longer cooperate or maybe it’s my balance has shifted too much! No, what irks me is the cracks in my fingers from the damn cold air. Okay, okay, I should have donned mittens earlier but I’m nervous driving with gloves on – they don’t always gripe the wheel like I feel is safe…hey, good excuse as any and besides, once the car warms up, who wants mittens! So I find myself applying lots of lotion and hey, when the cracks become really irritating I’ve been known to apply “New Skin” and a band-aid – it works. I would not suggest doing this for chapped lips however!!

What’s fun is the snow plows. I mean, come on, they must sit and wait and once you have shoveled or plowed your driveway, they arrive to fill in the end for you. It’s a test in patience. And if you think they should lift the blade for each driveway, get real – if the did that, it would take forever to do just one flippin street! And then, we have those days when there’s less than half an inch of white stuff and the plows are running all over the place…well, folks, they might not be plowing but they are spreading salt or sand on the roads to help us drive a bit safer. Of course on really cold days, salt does not melt ice!

Every watch folks clearing their driveways and sidewalks (make that walk ways as side walks are plowed by the village)? You got the truck plowers who just give a casual glance as they back up to get a good start to push the snow to the side of the driveway. Be careful of them, like I said, they give a quick glance and just go for it. How about the 4-wheeler snow plowers? Again, they are macho and think nothing of zooming along and not real mindful of traffic or yards…they really can mess up a yard in quick order. The snow blowers are also a fun breed to watch, hell, they just blow their snow into your yard or drive and think this is cool. Now the really cool folks are the old fashion types who are out there with shovels. Oh sure, it takes them longer and they have many breaks but I can assure you, they are not tossing snow into your drive – they can’t toss it that far!

My husband is a combo of snow shovel and snow blower. Years ago he decided my expensive and well-fitted ski goggles were perfect and he stretched them out to much, only he can wear them now. His comment; “go buy another pair, what in hell is your problem!”

So that is morning rant and yes, we got lots of snow, the temp is a lovely 10 degrees, the wind is whipping and its bloody ass cold out there. The guy who does our driveway, has been and gone, the village plows have filled in the end of the drive and the side steps need to be swept and a path shoveled for the mailman. All of this is normal and typical of the season…yes, I love winter. Will I venture out today? Most likely – still got a little shopping let and the longer I can delay wrapping gifts the better (I hate that part). Hey, have a lovely day and if nothing else, bundle up and get outside for a little bit – fresh air does a body good (don’t ask me who came up with this concept but I have heard it all my life!).

Monday, December 13, 2010

And it Begins


... Winter Weather Advisory remains in effect from 1 PM this
afternoon to 10 am EST Tuesday...



The National Weather Service in Burlington continues the Winter
Weather Advisory... from 1 PM this afternoon to 10 am EST Tuesday.



* Locations... northern Adirondacks and St. Lawrence Valley of New York.

* Hazard types... snow and falling temperatures.

* Accumulations... 2 to 6 inches with highest amounts in the
northern Adirondacks.


* Timing... periods of snow are expected through Tuesday morning
with the greatest concentration expected tonight.

* Impacts... periods of snow and rapid freezing of any standing water
will occur and result in slippery Road conditions... especially
for the evening commute. Periods of snow tonight will result in
snow covered roadways and low visibility at times. Travel will
be potentially hazardous.



* Winds... west 5 to 15 mph with gusts up to 20 mph.



* Temperatures... early highs in the lower 30s. Lows around 10
above.
Precautionary/preparedness actions...

*&^%$(*)*&

What is truly sad is that folks will hear and read about this advisory and then, get in their cars and drive into town or out-of-area and bitch because roads conditions are horrible. And later on, sit around and tell folks about how they "braved" the bad weather to go get some stupid thing, like, today's newspaper!!!

As for me, I went to Curves early, around 7 and was home a little after 8 and honey, I ain't going anywhere.  Of course I have a few projects at home that could use my attention, like wrapping presents, dusting, and hell, mopping the kitchen floor.  I mean, tonight we'll get not one but TWO football games -- I'm in heaven!!!

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic.  I mimic my shadow!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,"Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdlebwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her little arms, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,





"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Friday, December 10, 2010

Holiday Eating Tips



1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat.. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:


Have a great holiday season!!

Merry Christmas

Thanks Bubba, I knew you'd have some great holiday eating tips!!!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Fitbie

Quick-Hit Weight Loss Strategies



Pick Pistachios

Researchers from University of Eastern Illinois say that when people eat this snack twice a week, they’re less likely to gain weight than those who don’t. What food is it?
In a nutshell, the study also found that people who snacked on in-shell pistachios ate 50 percent less than those who ate the shelled kind, yet they reported feeling just as full and satisfied. What other snacks are good for weight loss?

Give Yourself a Mini-Manicure

Sometimes a few simple tricks can curtail mindless snacking. “Do a quick 30-second manicure in the evening,” says Dawn Jackson Blatner, RD, author of The Flexitarian Diet and spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association. “A coat of clear nail polish just makes it harder for you to stick your hand into a bag of chips.” What other small rewards can be used for reaching your weight loss goals?

Slice Your Food

Can good manners help you slim down? Exhibit A for why table manners ought to make a comeback: Cutting your food into smaller portions slows down your food intake, and it also visually tricks you to think that you’re eating more. Researchers from Japan’s National Food Research Institute found that people thought piles of sliced meats and veggies were 27 percent larger than when the food was kept in one piece. Satiety is affected by visual cues, so making your portions appear larger will help you feel satisfied with less.

Weigh Yourself Daily

Think you can guesstimate how well you’re losing weight? Study after study shows that regularly stepping on the scale can help you drop pounds. How much more weight? People who log weekly and daily weigh-ins lose about 12 to 18 pounds more than those who check less frequently, concludes a review study in the International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity. [personally I can't imagine starting every day madder than hell because my weight hasn't changed...once a week weight rage is sufficient in my book]
Just Add Flax

Sprinkle this healthy extra on your oatmeal, casserole, or soup for a light, nutty kick, says Sari Greaves, RD, spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association and Nutrition Director at Step Ahead Weight Loss Center in Bedminster, NJ. The extra fiber will help fill you up for only 35 calories a tablespoon, and you’ll get the added benefits of heart-healthy omega-3 fatty acids.

Dress Down

Take advantage of Casual Friday. A University of Wisconsin, La Crosse study found that people who wear jeans to work take 491 more steps a day than those in business wear. How many calories could you burn if you walked for 30 minutes a day? [as I am retired, any more dressing down and I'm running around naked...not a good scene!]

Brush Immediately After Dinner

Tap into years of Pavlovian training (watch videos of Pavlov’s theories), and brush your teeth soon after you’ve finished supper. Traditionally, brushing your teeth is a signal to stop eating, explains Blatner, so you’re primed to resist after-hours snacking. The essence of peppermint has been reported to suppress appetite, and cleaning your chompers with strong-tasting toothpaste may help distract your taste buds from craving another flavor. Try these other tips to curb late night snacking. [ya many places provide brush and spit cup for your convenience...have at it!]

Add Air

Whipped versions of classic foods contain more air per volumetric unit, so you’re eating fewer calories per serving. (Bing: Can high-water foods help?) Choose whipped yogurt over the regular kind (save 30 calories) or whipped butter over sticks (save 50 calories). But remember, this doesn’t mean whipped cream is a health food. See how many calories in whipped cream. [does farting count?]

Make Your Own Salad Dressing

Bottled dressings can be a nutritional nightmare—even 2 tablespoons of blue cheese dressing packs about 140 calories and 14 grams of fat. Instead, mix together a quick dressing that’s 2 parts lemon juice to 1 part oil. (Bing: What’s the calorie count for your favorite dressing?) Pour your homemade vinaigrette into a spray bottle and spritz on your

Try Acupressure on Your Ear

Place your hunger on hold: The next time you have a hankering for a Mars bar, take your thumb and forefinger and squeeze the flap of skin that juts out by your ear canal (not your earlobe). Activating this pressure point may help curb cravings, says Blatner. [I did this and people gave me funny looks, oh wait, my ear,not their ear, sorry]

Switch Seats at the Dinner Table

Cornell researchers examined the eating habits of diners at a Chinese buffet and found that the fattest patrons tended to sit facing the serving area, while the skinniest sat with their backs to the food. Just seeing that you can get seconds may encourage you to eat more, so sit strategically during mealtime. Same goes for when you’re mixing and mingling at a party—talk facing away from the tables of food. Need more tips on how to avoid overeating at a party? [forget buffets, I sit in front of the TV set, no food teasing me to go for seconds]

Trade Mayonnaise for Hummus

Hold the mayo and slap on some hummus instead, advises Greaves. The chickpea spread is just as creamy as mayonnaise, but you’ll save yourself about 70 calories per tablespoon. [has anyone actually tasted this stuff????]

Place a Measuring Cup in Your Pantry

Rather than eyeball portions, place a measuring cup in your pantry so that you’ll know exactly how much you’re doling out, recommends Blatner. Keep a serving of cereal to one cup, a portion of dry macaroni to ¼ cup. Check out these portion size examples.

Phone a Friend

Reach for the phone, not the potato skins, the next time you’re feeling blue. Emotional eating can spiral out of control really fast, so instead of turning towards food for a pick-me-up, dial a friend to vent or schedule some Frisbee to blow off some steam. (Bing: Tips on how controlling emotional eating--[ya, I call my friend and we snack while chatting, works great!]

So once again, I am attempting to help you lose weight with these tips...hey, I just copied them from some site.  My personal fitness advice is and always has been -- WALK!!  You do know how to walk, right?  Just friggin walk. Set your own pace and just walk.  You'll be amazed and how much you lose and feel better, again, set your own pace, this isn't a damn race.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Old Friends

Observations on Growing Older




~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them
...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good.
Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"...
they add "for your age!"


~When you needed the discount you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything ...
movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.


~You forget names ... but it's OK
Because other people forgot
they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
is now 15 and you have a better chance
of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

 
~You realize you're never going
to be really good at anything ......
Especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you
to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do,
you no longer care to do,
but you really do care that you
don't care to do them anymore.

~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair
with the TV blaring than he does in bed.
It's called his "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said
"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say,
"I hope my kids GET married ...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked
with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ...
were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You now use more 4 letter words ...
"what?"..."when?"

~Now that you can afford
expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .....
2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:
old songs
old movies

And best of all OLD FRIENDS!!
_______________________________________________
It is now 9:10 am and I have been to Curves and yes, got in my workout.  I really hate to miss one of these days, only 3-days a week but it makes me feel so much better.  Like I made this body move and amazingly it still does move.  Now that we got snow, found my snow pants, I have no excuse for not donning snowshoes and trekking thru the white stuff either.  Well, I can make up reasons but I happen to like this outdoor activity. And if I feel really accomplished, I plan to make a couple snow angels today too.

Hey, you all have a good day...life is good...enjoy it!!!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Delays, cancellations and more Snow

Oh hell don't ya love the wake up call this morning?

Look, I am sorry if this offends anyone but excuse me, why delay opening school..why keep everyone guessing for two or three hours, you know damn well you're gonna close so do it and stop this freakin waiting game!!!

Like two hours and snow still falling is gonna change road conditions, give me a break.  Now folks are whining, and rightfully so that plays and after school plays have been cancelled due to the weather.  Why don't folks have an alternate date for these events?  Is that such a hard concept to comprehend or is scheduling that difficult?

To make life even more fun, more and more folks are on Facebook, telling all us who didn't venture out that the roads are slick and you should stay inside...hello, who in hell is out there?  I know, sometimes you have no choice, a doctor's appointment or some other thing that just cannot be rescheduled. But what makes this even worse is getting there and learning the person you were suppose to meet, can't see you because they are snowed in -- hello, did phone stop working because of snow too?

Yes, it continues to snow, we should get 7 inches or more before this ends.  Its kinda fluffy but underneath is icy, I mean, I shoveled a little and that was sufficient to remind me; "I don't shovel!"  However, I like to don my snowshoes and trek thru the snow, now that is fun.  I was gonna do just that but couldn't find what I wear for snowpants until later -- damn.  Found'em now and no more excuses!!!

So tonight is another GLEE night.  My daughter and I are making this our movie-together-night and take turns bringing treats. Last week she had me chose, right or left hand, I chose right. Thank goodness as the left hand had prunes!!!  Dont' get me wrong, I like prunes too.  I know, its a cheesy show but its fun to watch and regardless,there is some amazing talent on this sucker and some good ole laughs too.

Hopefully the roads will be decent tomorrow as I hate to miss my Curves workout...hey, keep smiling, this weather will calm down and soon, the last minute shopping can continue..

Monday, December 6, 2010

Math info Worth Knowing

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:



What Makes 100%?



What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?


Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.



How about achieving 103%?



What makes up 100% in life?



Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:



If:


A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:


1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:






H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K


8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E


11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%



But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E


1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%



And,



B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T


2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%



AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G


1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%


So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.


'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS

ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Should U Join Facebook?

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and ev ery other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 60. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Snow

Why in hell are people so shocked and upset that we now have snow? Excuse me, it is December, this is northern NY and hey, its gonna happen, it does every year and you know this, so why the shock????

Last year my grandson was not into snow at all, in fact he hated it...here's a photo to prove it:

Okay, he was still an infant and this was not his idea of fun at all!  Now he is an old man at 13 months and snow fascinates him.  This morning he wanted to walk about and check out the snow vs. come inside and see Grammie.

So this afternoon, if all goes as planned, I think Clint and I shall head outside and not only explore the white stuff, but make a snowman...ya I'll take photos and post them for all to see.  As he usually goes to daycare these days, I don't get him that often so I put alot of fun stuff into one day...wears us both out.



Also this is prep day for me -- so I'm on liquids all day and lemme tell ya, knowing I can't have solid foods or even a beer, is making me damn hungry.  Ya, here's comes another glass of water, apple juice and so on...ye gads.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

So True.....

We're "broke" & can't help our own Seniors, Troops, Orphans, Homeless etc.



In the last month we have provided aid to Haiti , Chile , and Turkey , Greece , Pakistan .




Our pensioners living on a 'fixed income' receive no aid or get any breaks while our government and religious organizations pour

Hundreds of Millions of $$$$$$'s and Tons of Food to Foreign Countries!



We have thousands of adoptable children who are shoved aside to make room for the adoption of foreign orphans.



AUSTRALIA a country where we have homeless without shelter, children and adults going to bed hungry,elderly going without 'needed' medication, and mentally ill without treatment -etc,etc.


YET....................


They are requesting donations for the people of Pakistan


TV stations, ships and planes lining up with food, water, tents clothes, bedding,doctors and medical supplies.

Imagine if the *GOVERNMENT* gave 'US' the same support they give to other countries.

Sad isn't it?


99% of people won't have the guts to forward this.


I Just Did!