What a Year

It's been one hell of a year and the photo above is my grandson, who is two, helping to make home-made laundry soap.  You see, my daughter decided this was not only cheaper but nicer soap to use,so she made a batch and gave me (and others) a small sample. Well, it worked so well, I decided to have my own bucket of home-made soap. Long story-short, using this is approximately 7 cents per load and your clothes are not only brighter but softer too.  And for the record my sister has been making her own laundry soap for years -- why didn't I catch that bug years ago?

Well, let's get crazy and admit, during the holiday season we tend to look back and relish all those memories,from early childhood to our present day.  We also realize that (1) we are getting older and (2) many good people have passed and that sucks big time.

2011 started out rough for me -- I learned I had colon cancer and like most, just was in a state of denial and shock.  Then I had surgery and all the cancer was gone along with a huge section of my large intestine.  Now I not only had to recover from this major surgical operation but I would spend considerable time (for the rest of my life I suppose) learning what I can and cannot eat if I wish to live comfortably. Also, big meals are no longer possible and it's like I am "grazing" all damn day but it works better and I don't feel so -what is the word -- uncomfortable!

By the end of 2011 I had more tests done, EUS (endoscopic ultrasound) where they went down my throat and look around in my pancreas and then, another lovely colonoscopy and got a clean bill of health -- hurrah.  While I was going through this, my son was also going through his testing and he too remains in remission.  The Lord is definitely keeping tabs on us.

Our oldest grandchild graduated from High School and we were in Minnesota to witness that achievement ..good job.  He has elected to spend a year or two working, saving money, etc before he heads to college.  He assure us he will go to college but just not right now.

My sisters all came to my home so we could have our annual sister's get-together and we had a blast -- here are a few photos to prove it:

We had a blast and there are many photos that I just can't post at this time.  Now, 2012 will see us in Florida.  First, the road trip to Florida will be a hoot (we had a blast last time) and once there, we plan to hit a few more islands, pig out on fresh seafood and once again, just flat out enjoy each other's company and laugh like crazy.  Us girls are the only children left out of seven and we just keep making memories.

So to each and everyone of you, have a Happy New Year!

Male Strippers

Male Strippers


Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club .

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunatel y, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!

Didn't see that coming, did ya?

Merry Christmas

MY THANKS TO ALL OF YOU ...As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.


I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE

I can't ever pick up a 10 cent coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

What's In the Box?

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check-out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog.”

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, “That smells like shit.”

The little old lady said, “It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper.”

So…………………………………. Don’t mess with old people!

Onions & Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers,'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

&&&&&&

The other night my granddaughter called me and needed help with a Science Project.  "I need to name 22 things that come from plants."  Okay, this is easy, if its not meat or fish, it came from a plant. And we began naming things, coconut, green beans, kiwi, potatoes, bananas, etc. Then she said, "that's it Grandma, got enough, thank you. Love you bye."

About twenty minutes later she called me back; "Grandma, a big box came today and there is nothing inside it for me, what is that?"  Oh honey, there are two boxes coming and trust me, there are things for you in that box for sure. "But Gramma, there was nothing for me in this box?"  Well, I don't think it was my box because I don't think Grandpa sorted things out to exclude you, be patient another box is due Wednesday.  She wasn't overly convinced but she accepted the answer, said good bye and hung up.  My daughter upon hearing this tale said, "Oh maybe it was my box that arrived and if so, there was nothing in it for her because I had stuff, online, sent directly to her."  Great, now I have a better answer. Don't ya love the holiday season!!

Today I get a pedicure and my first ever facial and yes, I am stoked.  Now, what does wear to such a performance?  Come on, its chilly here, raining so I ain't gonna be wearing crocs and as for my face, well, that just goes with me whenever so I am not too worried!!!  Yes, of course, idiot, I will wear clothes, ye gads!!!

I started the job I detest the most, wrapping gifts and I think I have used two roles of scotch tape.  In fact, I am seriously thinking duct tape would be good and it comes in various colors too.  I really admire those folks who measure out the wrapping paper, very carefully fold edges and end up with this neat looking package and even slap a bow on it to make it even nicer.  Hell, I slap a bow on to hide the hole I made while attempting to make the ends cover the entire gift!  Come on, a bag, tissue paper and a tag and I'm golden!!!

You know you're getting old when:  Your head makes promises your body can't possibly keep.

The Black Bra

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door

Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this.....)

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a Merry Christmas & a great holiday season!!

Funny---$5.37

It could happen to any of us... This is so funny; I hope you enjoy it.

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to get some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind!"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus:

The car seat in the back seat.  Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach
growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He
was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.  The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!

*&^&**&^&^&*

Hope you all had a good weekend, I surely did and nothing is more fun that baking and making decorations with a grandchild.  And I don't care what age that kid is either.  Two year old are tons of fun. He loved baking those cake tops,well, he liked the decorating and tasting part best (smart kid).  Then later his Mommy and I went downtown to enjoy Norwood's Festival and, we were standing with everyone else, cold and wishing Santa would hurry up and wham, the parade began and there was Santa! Not sure about the turnout but it sure looked like many did show up and everyone had a good time.  The cold weather was a bit biting so we didn't hang around long but sufficient to know this was well organized and enjoyable.

Sunday night I gotta tell ya, I was a tad weary of football games, my eyeballs needed something else to watch for awhile. So I dug out ole home movies that I had converted onto a VHS tape.  Come on, watching Christmas 1996 was great fun and my parents were still alive and very active then too.  Even my older brother and his wife were on this tape and it was such a wonderful memory lane jolt I may just watch it again.  I need to find the tape of the Minnesota Christmases so I can watch that too.  I really miss the Minnesota kids --wish we all lived closer but hey, its the holidays we make do and its not like we don't see each other, we do.

So today I'm not real sure what's on my ticket, some baking for sure, maybe a trip to Massena to pick up a few gifts but before all that begins, once I can see daylight, I shall get in my morning walk  -- its around 32 degrees, so the thermals are on and I shall bundle up to stay warm.  My biggest concern is the road conditions...are they slick and if so, I need to don my skid protectors.  Sorry but I am no fan of falling on the hard ground and spraining or breaking some body part.  After all, this year I definitely am gonna snow shoe and perhaps, once again, try my luck with cross country skiing.

Heart Warming Story about the Elderly

When we get older we think differently, don't we?



This is a touching story. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio, forwards the following letter: The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank  you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless  you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she
would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's  way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely, Agnes Baker

Santa & Grandma

I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid.

I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: "There is no Santa Claus," she jeered. "Even dummies know that!"

My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her "world-famous" cinnamon buns. I knew they were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.
Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. "No Santa Claus?" she snorted...."Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad!! Now, put on your coat, and let's go."

"Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked. I hadn't even finished my second world-famous cinnamon bun. "Where" turned out to be Kerby's General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle in those days. "Take this money," she said, "and buy something for someone who needs it. I'll wait for you in the car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's.

I was only eight years old. I'd often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping.

For a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten-dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for.

I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church.

I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock's grade-two class. Bobby Decker didn't have a coat. I knew that because he never went out to recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn't have a cough; he didn't have a good coat. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat!
I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that.

"Is this a Christmas present for someone?" the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. "Yes, ma'am," I replied shyly. "It's for Bobby."

The nice lady smiled at me, as I told her about how Bobby really needed a good winter coat. I didn't get any change, but she put the coat in a bag, smiled again, and wished me a Merry Christmas.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat (a little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) in Christmas paper and ribbons and wrote, "To Bobby, From Santa Claus" on it.

Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobby Decker's house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially, one of Santa's helpers.

Grandma parked down the street from Bobby's house, and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge. "All right, Santa Claus," she whispered, "get going."

I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded his door and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma.

Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally it did, and there stood Bobby.

Fifty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker's bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were -- ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.

I still have the Bible, with the coat tag tucked inside: $19.95.

May you always have LOVE to share, HEALTH to spare and FRIENDS that care...
And may you always believe in the magic of Santa Claus!

**********************

An old married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the

remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel

and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.

You already know how to fish"

An Irish Pope

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man
and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!

&&&&&&&&

Well, another Monday morning is upon us, how delightful.  I was gonna take my morning walk but the downpour has convinced me inside exercises will be needed today. Guess that means housework, laundry and dusting, shit!

Good football games yesterday tho -- I fell asleep during one but managed to wake to see the end, which is always a good sign.  More football tonight, yay!!!

Hey, you all have a good day today, okay?  Keep smiling!!!

Bad Mood Remover

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!


1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.


2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.


3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take The Psycho Path



4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It (I love that one!)

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!



6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.


9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

2. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
 A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.


15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?! The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
(Hey, wait a minute, that's not funny)

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang, Whack!

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto--a True Story

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky. What you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. It mean someone stole tent."

***************

Well, its Saturday morning, a bit chilly outside but no snow. Now, we did have a five minute snow storm yesterday,kinda pretty but nothing stuck and it was all over before you get a camera ready!  Oh have no fear, we'll get the white stuff in quick order and then, haul out the snow shoes and hike in the woods.  Now this is one hell of a workout and quite fun too.

Once again, we are inviting our dau and grandson to join us for breakfast and then, on to grocery shopping.  Only this time I will bring a spare car key cuz I ain't gonna see us locked out of the car again...that performance is not worth repeating at least not for a long, long time.

Next week is a tad busy, what with doctor appointments and all but at some point, we really gotta get busy and get stuff wrapped and ready to mail to the Minnesota crew or it'll be late and nobody wants late Christmas gifts,right?  As for shopping, again I down to stock stuffers and perhaps a few things for good ole Dad but who knows, I could be done and that is fine with me too.

Have a lovely day and wishing the Warroad Squirt A team good luck on their weekend hockey game and trip...go team.

Just Watch its Amazing

Chew Gum

SLU prof says chew gum before big test and it could help
Wednesday, November 30, 2011 - 5:11 pm

CANTON -- Research by a St. Lawrence University psychology professor suggests that if you’re a student and have an important test coming up, you might do better if you chew some gum.

St. Lawrence University Assistant Professor of Psychology Serge Onyper conducted a study that showed that students who chewed gum for five minutes before taking a test did better on the test than non-gum-chewing students. “Mastication-induced arousal” is credited for the boost, which lasted for about the first 20 minutes or so of testing. Results of the study were published in the journal Appetite.

A “battery of cognitive tasks” was given to the study participants, who chewed gum either prior to or throughout testing. Their performance was then compared with subjects who did not chew gum.

Many studies have shown that any type of physical activity can produce a performance boost. This study points indicates that even mild physical activity might bring on such a boost.

Chewing gum seems to have given the subjects multiple advantages, but only when chewed for five minutes before testing, not for the duration of the test. Benefits persisted for the first 15 to 20 minutes of testing only. Onyper notes that a possible reason the benefits didn’t continue throughout testing may be due to “a sharing of resources by cognitive and masticatory processes.”

In other words, you can’t chew gum and think productively at the same time.

Onyper was the lead researcher on a study presented earlier this year showing that students who took classes starting earlier in the morning tended to get higher grades, even though they may have gotten less sleep.

So now you know what to pack when your kid has an exam! As a former teacher, I outlawed gum in my classroom -- I detested the gum--smacking chewing performance of those who found making loud noises so attractive!!!  But this was a 100 years ago, who knows what happens now!!!

Well, I have tried the molded cookie sheets and to date, have not found recipe that works in them, someone suggested cake batter and all I could think was; "that's gonna be small pieces of cake."  So now I'm thinking they might be candy molds?  Whatever,this is one challenge I can't beat so forget..those pans will be in the yard sale next spring for damn sure.

Hubby nicely shared his cold with me, now I have the sucker and last night I took some NyQuil early and man, that stuff kicked in fast and I was struggling to stay awake.  Clint was over here with us, helping Papa set up the train under the Christmas tree and the train just doesn't go fast enough for him, he wants to push it around the track.  It's battery operated and cute as hell but again, not speedy enough for him.

Oh hell no, no tree up or inside decorations out, outside lights are done but inside haven't even started on them.  I will get to them but so far I've been busy with other stuff. We just use a fiber optic tree these days, it works and we like it so that is that but I do have various holiday items around the house to make it look like Christmas.

My friend pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told me
"That's us in 10 years".

I said "That's a mirror, dip-shit!

The Cowboy

The Gay Cowboy...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

I never knew....

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then, they kick him in the ice hole.

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

Happy Thanksgiving

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his behind and let him go!'

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.

May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

************

It is early Wednesday morning, how early -- no daylight yet!  Yet I can see, from street lights, etc, that we got us a "dusting" last night and it's still kinda slushy-rain out there;however the temp is hovering around 35 degrees and slowly climbing.  I just don't want this to get nasty because the Syracuse group won't wanna travel in this crap and I wanna see my sister, niece and nephew.

Really miss the Minnesota family and I mean, miss them.  We rarely have shared Thanksgiving together as it is just to dang far but one of these days, maybe they can trek here and have this holiday with us.

Friday Auntie and I shall watch Clint so Kel and Meg can do that Black Friday madness, us ole gals ain't into that scene.  We'll probably hit two stores with Clint and call it good...come back here and play games and wait for him to take a nap, which may see us doing the same.

My daughter made this made to honor her adopted Aunt and we are wishing her positive thoughts and prayers as she continues to fight brain cancer.





Turkey Day, Shopping, Time Out Chair

Okay, we all have our memories of Thanksgiving, including the wish to one day sit at the big table and no longer be stuck at the kid's table, right? Well, I gotta tell ya, when I finally reached the age when I could be at the big table I was totally irked because (1) the little table got served first, (2) once seated at the big table, it was pretty crowded and you could hardly move and heaven forbid if you had to get out and (3) grown ups have this knack of keeping at least one serving dish constantly moving from person to person, it never ever hits the table.

Sunday we invited out daughter and grandson to join us for lunch and then grocery shopping, and as she needed items too, this was a good plan. Well, enroute to the store the boy fell asleep so we decided Dad and Dau would shop and I would sit in the car with the sleeping boy, when he woke up, we'd go get some lunch or as we intended to hit two grocery stores, he could be awake that outing, right?  Come on two years old, grocery store, shopping cart, what's not to like!!!

Five minutes after they walked into Hannaford's he woke up,so I got him out, locked the car and went looking for the shoppers.  Oh shit, Grandpa had left the keys in the ignition and now we were locked out...lovely.  So call triple A and wait an hour, during which time, we kept buying stuff, checking out, coming back in and by now even Hannaford had to wonder what in hell was wrong with us.  Oh well, car unlocked, groceries in the car, now let's get lunch. Oh crap, the two places we wished to go were  closed -- screw it, we're gonna go home and make sandwiches.  On the trip back, the boy fell asleep again and this time, he wasn't gonna wake up for a good two hours. And this my friends is what is known as memories!!!

Now the other day our grandson informed us the time out chair was broke. He uses this chair to reach the sink in the bathroom so he can wash his hands and brush his teeth.  Grandpa puts him in this chair if he misbehaves but Meme tends to use a box in his kitchen play room as his time out area (my sister says, "can you see him at school, when they tell him he's in time out...where in hell is my box?).  So as this chair has a crack it needs repair and Papa and Clint are gonna fix it.  Now, before you get to goofy about this, this chair has been in our family for years and I mean years, my son is 42 and he remembers sitting in the time out chair.  The photos below show you how this repair went:

Happy Thanksgiving to all and remember your blessing and be sure to thank those serving in our military.

Biblical Tale

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets




Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when youcannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy.
And the Cat . . . didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Some Days.......

Ever have one of those days when for awhile, everything is going just right?  I mean, you get things done, which amaze you that it was that simple to do, you run errands and while you're getting a tad tired, you still feel you want to do more?  Ya, it was that kind of day yesterday.

Weather was absolutely beautiful, in the mid-60s and even the breeze was half way warm, I still needed a light coat tho --my internal thermostat is off whack since my surgery.  I had blood work done early, and I gotta laugh, the band aid put on my arm to stop any bleeding was HUGE.  Hell, it was bigger than some surgical cover-ups! Cracked me up!  Then I went to get some food, fasting is the pits, and finally over to Hanaford's for the lovely 49 cents a pound turkeys.  Only one per customer but hell, at that price, shop a couple days in a row, eh?  Now, I only wanted a 12-pound turkey, already have a 24 pounder for my dau to cook on turkey day. Ended up with a 16-pound sucker and for reasons I still am puzzled about, that sucker was heavy and just damn awkward to pick up and put in the cart.  Even worse was getting it into my freezer once I got home (I did it but it was just awkward).

Gonna try this idea for baking the turkey, you ready for this? No-baste, no-bother turkey.  Clean, wash and dry turkey, stuff cavity with 2 stalks of celery, 1 carrot and one medium-size sweet onion half. Now you preheat the oven to 500.  You rub butter, salt and pepper inside the cavity and outside. Put on roasting rack and add 2 cups of boiling water (ya cover the sucker too).  When oven temp returns to 500, cook for one hour.    Then, this is where it gets wild, turn off the oven and do not open door until oven cools (4 to 6 hours).  Remove turkey from roasting pan; reserve pan juices and that's it, a nice moist turkey, let set, then carve and serve or refrigerate if you want to eat it later.  How simple is this?

I love Thanksgiving, its my favorite holiday and all the cooking and preparing is just part of the fun.  For the past few years my dau has been preparing this meal and that is fine, I still get to contribute, which makes it even more fun.  However, we like to have our own turkey to nibble on the next day, hence the 16 pound extra turkey!  Ya, like you didn't have that figured out, eh?

By the way, remember when you had to sit at the little table?  I often wonder if people still do this because now, I don't see any "kid's table," everyone gathers round the dining room table and squeezes for space.  Tell ya what, once seated, you're stuck because getting up for any reason, would mean five other people would also need to move and that ain't gonna happen without some nasty comments, like; "damn, woman, didn't you go before you climbed in there?"  Or "whatta mean, you gotta get another beer, ask someone, they'll get you one, sit down you dumb jerk!"

Here's an interesting tidbit to make your day:  What is the food most often stolen to taken from a grocery store? Cheese, can you believe it?  Rates right up there with learning Brad Pitt plans to stop acting in three years (got enough money I guess) and instead, he wants to direct and/or write movies...how quaint!

Ya, ya, back to the lovely day and how it quickly changes.  I was returning the crib I had borrowed to my sister-in-law (who is currently in Germany) and hoped her grandson would be there to help me unload it.  He wasn't but no big deal, I figured I'd back up closer to the back door to make this a tad easier. Shit and double shit, I ran into her garage (didn't do any damage to it,) but smashed my tailight. Now I gotta get this sucker replaced and it was a lovely day until this incident!

Health Message

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me!

Thank You

Today should be a day that needs to be celebrated every day as we thank all our Veterans, current, past and those who gave all for this great nation.

In 1967, I went to Vietnam and I gotta tell ya, yes I was scared and at the same time, felt it was the right thing to do and I needed to be there.  I saw things I never wish to see again and lost some truly amazing people but I also made some great friends and to this day, we are able to thank God we are still here and proud of our service.

I don't necessarily like remembering the various battles, the TET Offensive or the horrors of children discarded like trash or the way females were considered inferior and useless, so they were treated bad too.  But I also recall the beauty of that land, the people and the art.  There is something sad when all you hear is about destruction and no hope because we fought to give hope a chance and I'd like to think, in some small way, I did provide hope for some.

To all you serve and continue to serve, both stateside and overseas THANK YOU!

Funny Holy Humor

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up.."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 . She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past) For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

THE BIBLE
Did you know that.. When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache. When you open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints. Let's read the Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one day he'll have a stroke and never wake up.

How the Fight Started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started..


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible.."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

Apple

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?


I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

November

Ah, November is here and after Halloween, we must do something with all those apples, so the best method is having a two year old peel them:





He really thought this was quite fun...loved how he told me to "just eat it" as he shoved it into my mouth.   Needless to say, two fun days with my grandson but today he is back to daycare.  However, I will pick him up for his Mommy around 3 so she can attend some meeting.

_______________________________________________________________

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

Observations On Growing Older

~Your Kids are becoming you...and you don't like them!

~Going Out is good.. Coming Home is better!

~You Forget names .... But it's OK because other people forgot they Even knew you!!!

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... Especially Golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's Called " Pre-sleep".

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" Switch..

~You tend to use more 4 letter words .. "what?".... "when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You notice everything sold in stores is "sleeveless" !!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody Whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired .. You'd give anything if he'd find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived !

Last Day in October 2011

Yes, happy Halloween.  I thought I had lost (probably would be a good idea) this costume but once found, it was perfect for my grandson's 2nd birthday party in combination with Halloween

Gotta tell ya, this party is becoming quite a treat for everyone as usually everyone dresses up and its fun to see who comes as what and the variety of costumes.  It was a grand party and now he is a whopping TWO! (Does this mean the terrible twos are upon us?).  Now we sweat out when the white stuff will hit us, none so far and that is fine...we can wait our turn.

However, this year I truly look forward to snow shoeing and I may even try cross country skiing again (not having much luck with this activity, downhill was so much easier and quicker to learn).  Last year I had surgery and all these activities were forbidden, so it will be fun to resume them.  And with Clint being older, he and I can have even more fun outside in the white stuff...gotta remind myself to get him a bigger sled tho.

So today, tomorrow and late Wednesday Clint will spend time with his grandparents.  I wonder how he will like going grocery shopping with Papa?  Better yet, will he enjoy Taco Bell?  Whatever, it will be a fun Monday for all of us...got some additional goodies for his play kitchen, which will keep him content for hours.  Amazing how much he likes this item and the fun he has pretending to cook, wash, clean, etc.  He is something but make no mistake he is all BOY. At times, its like witnessing a small bull in a china shop, he is not exactly gentle when he handles certain toys...oh well, it shall be fun and as we were also into the potty training stage, this too shall be interesting.

So you all have a good day, okay?  Yes, another flippin Monday-- deal with it!!!

Elmo-Clint...soooo cute.

Yay, its Friday

I saw this on Facebook and found it quite amusing, so I thought I'd share it...man, wouldn't it be fun to offer this when asked for a stool sample?

Well, its Friday, the last one for October and what is this crap, Sunday we set the clocks back an hour -- really, is it that time of year again...damn.

What is even more amazing is looking at the temp this morning, 23 degrees -- what the hell is this all about...oh, its the near end of Autumn and start of Winter, is that the story...shut your ass!!!

My darling kids are insisting I send a Wish List and if I don't they threaten to send my ugly underwear, ole suppositories and anything else they can find laying about the house that needs a new home.  The problem, I can't think of a damn thing I want other than photos of the grandkids...that is a wish all year and even more so during the Holiday season.  But I'd best come with something or I'll get this crap and trust, me I don't want any of it!!!

HUSBANDS

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'And they say blondes are dumb....

---------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.
------------ --------- -------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

--------- --------- --------- ----
Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
--------- --------- --------- -------
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

--------- --------- --------- -------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.........
......then He made the earth round.

Fable of the Porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others.. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities. The moral of the story is:

Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!
 

It all started a few weeks ago, visiting my daughter's friend, Natasha and her family in Buffalo, Clint discovered this play kitchen and man, that was that, he loved it and it kept him busy the entire time.  So, Meme saw one in a yard sale, it was free, and picked it up, cleaned it up and then, bought some items and he was golden.  Since that free purchase, Meme has also purchased a "new" play kitchen so he has two and talk about fun, ye gads, he's in the playroom forever!!! (BTW, play room is his bedroom and where his crib once occupied space, now its the play room.)

In the meantime, for reasons still unclear to me, our Wednesday lunch outing was great fun, we went over to Malone and I even saw a former co-worker and that was fun surprising him.  The day was great and although the weather was getting colder, it was still a fun outing.  That night something went wrong, I had a tummy ache and then the diarrhea all damn night.  I mean, this was unreal. Every time I'd lay down and think this was done, it would happen again and again.  Needless to say I spent most of Thursday in bed, sleeping and hoping I was empty because, quite frankly, my ass was sore.  Around 5:30 I elected to take some food and it stayed down...hope to hell this was just a one day bug because this inactivity and sleepy day crap is not my style at all!

I am hearing from many that some kind of bug is going around and many kids and adults are down with this sucker.  Have no idea what other folks are taking, as for me, some Pepto Bismol was all I took and that provided great relief.  Today I am experiencing some back pain but that could be caused from no activity and stiffness.  I plan to cure that soon, vacuum and dusting, meaning bending and squatting should loosen those stiff muscles.  Aw the weekend...how delightful.

Oh one more photo to complete the start of your weekend...come on, its funny:

How many did you want?

Rules of the Clothesline

You have to be a certain age to appreciate this. I can hear my mother now ...

My mother would have loved this! Do you remember? Be sure to read to the end...the poem is so true.

THE BASIC RULES FOR CLOTHESLINES: (if you don't know what clotheslines are, better skip this)

1. You had to wash the clothesline before hanging any clothes - walk the entire lengths of each line with a damp cloth around the lines.

2. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order, and always hang "whites" with "whites," and hang them first.

3. You never hung a shirt by the shoulders - always by the tail!. What would the neighbours think?

4 . Wash day on a Monday! . .. . Never hang clothes on the weekend, or Sunday, for Heaven's sake!

5. Hang the sheets and towels on the outside lines so you could hide your "unmentionables" in the middle (perverts & busybodies, y'know!)

6. It didn't matter if it was sub zero weather ... clothes would "freeze-dry."

7. Always gather the clothespins when taking down dry clothes! Pins left on the lines were "tacky!"

8. If you were efficient, you would line the clothes up so that each item did not need two clothes pins, but shared one of the clothes pins with the next washed item.

9. Clothes off the line before dinner time, neatly folded in the clothes basket, and ready to be ironed.

10. IRONED?! Well, that's a whole other subject!

A POEM

A clothesline was a news forecast
To neighbors passing by,
There were no secrets you could keep
When clothes were hung to dry.

It also was a friendly link
For neighbors always knew
If company had stopped on by
To spend a night or two.

For then you'd see the "fancy sheets"
And towels upon the line;
You'd see the "company table cloths"
With intricate designs.

The line announced a baby's birth
From folks who lived inside -
As brand new infant clothes were hung,
So carefully with pride!

The ages of the children could
So readily be known
By watching how the sizes changed,
You'd know how much they'd grown!

It also told when illness struck,
As extra sheets were hung;
Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,
Haphazardly were strung.

It also said, "Gone on vacation now"
When lines hung limp and bare.
It told, "We're back!" when full lines sagged
With not an inch to spare!

New folks in town were scorned upon
If wash was dingy and gray,
As neighbors carefully raised their brows,
And looked the other way .. .. .

But clotheslines now are of the past,
For dryers make work much less.
Now what goes on inside a home
Is anybody's guess!

I really miss that way of life.
It was a friendly sign
When neighbors knew each other best
By what hung on the line.

The Green Thing

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

HEALTH MESSAGE

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me!

Persimmons

A small church had a very attractive big-breasted organist and her breast were so large that they bounced and juggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size. She warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and made an announcement:

"Dew to thir cumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.
 

&%&&&&^^^^

 

Yes it is now October -- hello.  I know, September went by way too fast,right?  Plus, since we hit the first day of Autumn, the temps have slowly but steadily dropped and dammit, I gave up and attempted to turn the heat on last night.  I mean, come on, rain, wind and low temp, this house was damp and some heat would be a welcome relief.  However, I had a small problem: MY HEATER WOULD NOT CLICK ON!

 

Sunday morning my son-in-law came over, spent about five minutes on the heater and hurrah, I got heat.  Man, does it feel good to have that damp feeling removed and the house warm.  I do not want a "hot" or overly "warm" house, as I prefer it a little cooler but damp is not my idea of comfort.  Usually we set the temp at 68 for the winter and that's where it stays.  If company enters and stays and acts cold (some will flat out say, "damn girl, its like a friggin meat locker in here)--we'll crank up the heat. But as soon as they leave, its back to 68. We are not those clowns who crank the heat up and down all winter, no way.  It's really gotta be extremely cold for us to think 68 is not warm enough.

 

Oh remember me telling ya about Sensa --what? you don't remember?  Its that stuff you sprinkle on your food and you'll lose weight. Actually after a couple weeks, this stuff actually does tell your brain you are full and to stop eating.  However, in my case, it also caused me some major stomach aches and through a process of elimination (I mean, come on, tummy aches from beer is not possible) I elected to stop using it.  Now I am sending the stuff back and praying like crazy that my account is closed.  Sometimes these companies are not good about honoring your request to stop, no more, I'm done, this is it, close my account and stop asking!  Look, its really a case of this not working well with my doctor ordered meds...that's the real story.  But I did lose 4 pounds--or it could of been the case of diarrhea that caused this loss??? Laugh, that was a joke!!

 

So, this is Sunday, football games have entertained me most of the afternoon, and I'm sure there's more for this evening...yes, I am a football fan but I think my Steelers loss today---dammit!  Oh well, its early in the season and all is good.  Yes, its cold outside, windy, rainy and miserable but I did manage to get out for awhile -- not too long tho -- not exactly hiking weather.