Vern's Birthday

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends

Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every

Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,

So for his birthday she takes him to a local

Strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,

"Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to

This club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. " He's in my bowling league ."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern

If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable

And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her

Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all

Over him and says...

"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious,

Grabs her purse and storms out of the club

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in

Beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper

Must have mistaken him for someone else,

But his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,

Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says

Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD

THIS COMING FRIDAY.  

*********************************************************

Maiden snowshoe voyage, but howdy did he love this and did quite nicely.  Unlike his Grandmother who's first attempt was definitely a major learning experience. Of course I did not have my mother insuring the "fit" was secure and proper and I needed poles to keep me upright, however, in due course, I too managed to master this winter activity and spent many an hour hiking in fields, woods and even my own backyard getting one hell of a workout!

I just had to post this because (1) its funny and (2) it makes perfect sense, and (3) I personally do not have any tattoos and have no desire to have any!

Okay, it is Christmas Eve (day) and I got a list of things to do, which amazes me because I thought I was pretty much ready, however as I lay in bed I realized there was a few more "chores" that needed my attention.  If the list gets any longer, it will be tossed out!

Tad chilly this morning, 17 degrees (ya Minnesota tell me this is warm front)-- and the wind seems quite still for a change.  I gotta give the vampires more blood this morning and then, off to the Liquor store to get some wine.  I haven't been able to have any alcohol but tomorrow I plan to have a glass of wine come hell or high water.

So everyone, have a wonderful day and remember, its not the gifts but the folks you spend this day with that counts.  Love to all!!!

Wisdom from a Jewish Man

A female CNN journalist heard about a very elderly Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.  So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was,walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" "Morris Feinberg," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.  I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as          responsible adults and to love their fellow man.  I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests." The Journalist then asked: "How do you feel after doing this for 6O years?" "Like I'm talking to a !@#$%^* wall."

True Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas
pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows
where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the
cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped
the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over
the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all
the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.Not very many people know this.

*****************************************************************************************

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

The Awesome Power of Love

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs,  gripping the railing with both hands.   With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.  Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.

The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said.

"They're for the funeral.  

*****************************************************************
Well, it's Tuesday morning, 6:34 and it's been raining all night and continues to rain;however the temp is hovering between 35 and 37 degrees and the wind continues to blow. The point is, its not freezing or becoming ice yet but it sure is wet outside..huge ole puddles are seen even in this early morning light(from car headlights actually).

Monday was various appointments, starting at 8:30 in the morning.  First I saw my urologist which is always fun.  Yes, I still have a kidney stone and yes, we are leaving it alone, it is not blocking or bothering me and like he said, "you have enough on your plate right now."  If and when this becomes an issue, he will treat me immediately.  So I shan't see him again until July of next year.

Then back to Potsdam to have blood drawn. The drawing was simple and I didn't even feel a pinch, however she failed to seal the hole and whilst she applied a cotton ball and tape, it moved and when I put my sleeve down, it really moved. Anyway, after this number I went shopping, thinking this might be my last chance as bad weather is expected and at some point, much as I dislike this chore, I do need to wrap gifts.  So, I'm looking around and having a good time and sensing my right arm is wet but as it had been raining, who the hell could be sure.  I don't check and continue to shop. I get home, take off my coat and the sleeve on my right arm is soaked in blood and I mean soaked!  Holy crap, the shirt was off, shout applied and into the washer within minutes.  Of course, I now have this lovely bruise too but that is becoming a common appearance after so much blood work the past week - feel like a damn pin cushion.  I guess if no calls from the Cancer center means all is good, at least that is how I am calling it.  Then again, he has to have time to read the report (other than yesterday, I had blood drawn on Monday, Wednesday and Friday last week)  and I finished up my antibiotic on Saturday.  All due to low white and platelet count..lovely.

Today its take my car to the garage, drop it off and get an oil change, then return later to pick it up.  As hubby will be away a good part of the day, perhaps I can and should do some gift wrapping.  Either way, the rain continues and fall and until snow hits, I guess we shall enjoy what looks like Spring weather.  Everyone wants snow but get this, they want it in yards, sidewalks, trees,houses but not on the road.  Fussy people, eh?

So, you all have a good one.  Keep smiling, life is good.

Dead Penguins

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

 

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in

Antarctica ? 

 

Where do they go?

 

Wonder no more ! ! ! 

 

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird

which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is

very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as

maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring

throughout its life.

 

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of

the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the

ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep

enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

 

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave

and sing: 

 

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

 

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's just so easy to fool OLD people. I am sorry, an urge came over me  

that made me do it!!!

Oh quit whining I fell for it, too.....

************************************************************

So here we are, December 12, 2012 and everyone is asking, "Got all your Christmas shopping done?"  Hell no, why would I do that?  I'm like so many this year, getting into or finding the spirit is taking its sweet time.  However, my tree is up,house decorated, outside ornaments up and everything is working, so I'm doing good.

Had my last chemo treatment on Dec 2nd and of course the next day the shot that knocks me on my ass for 4 days or more.  Taste buds still gone which makes for damn frustrating eating, you can taste nothing but everything smells wonderful.  Then today the doctor's office called and it seems my white blood cell and platelet count is low, so I'm back on some antibiotic and he wants blood drawn today and again on Friday.  Lovely, just lovely.  I was kinda hoping that today while Hubby was running the roads, I could wrap some of his gifts and even stick a few under the tree to help my grandson understand, we don't open these until Dec 25th, so leave them to hell alone.  Ya, lots of luck with this experiment, eh?

Freaking cold this morning too - 13 degrees and last night the wind definitely was creating a freezing wind chill. Holy crap but still, its warmer than Minnesota as they are at 0 degrees -- ya a warm up, as they have been below zero all week. Yuck.

Well, you all have a good day. Keep smiling too.

Proud Father

PROUD FATHER   A REDNECK father went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.  Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says,   "Congratulations, your wife has had quints... 5 big baby boys." The Redneck boastfully says,   "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney."   The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned; the babies are black." -------------------------------------------------------------- Gotta tell ya, the swim lessons for kids at SUNY Potsdam is really amazing an great fun for both kids and parents. I couldn't tell who was having more fun, Kel and Heather or Clint and Max!  Took lots of pictures and the girls are happy, so be it. This is my "fee good"week, and I am milking it for all its worth. Actually doing things a normal person does and enjoying every minute of it. Plus my appetite came back and taste buds started to return too. But then I noticed "bumps" on my tongue so I may have thrush. Doctor is not overly concerned (he was told but didn't ask me to come in. Guess the antibiotic he had me on can cause this crap, but now that it's over, it should heal itself -- huh?).  They are not sore or causing me any real issues but if they do,I am to call back and then, I bet he'll see me or give me a script to use.  Oh well, I will see him Monday as this will be my last chemo treatment....hurrah.  Then I shall endure   two weeks from hell as my energy level will be gone, appetite will have decreased,taste buds gone and fatigue will hit big time. Do alot of sleeping after chemo. But hey, life is good. Today, its about 24 degrees outside, but very still, no wind and damn little movement, you could hear a sparrow fart if you stand still and listen...ya,like you're gonna do this.  I need to refill my bird feeders and if nothing else, keep the damn squirrel happy. Have a good day and week folks...and for crying out loud, keep smiling

How to Dress After 50

Many of us over 50 . . . WAY over 50 . . . or on the way to 50 . . . are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. A pierced tongue and dentures

3. Miniskirts and support hose

4. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
5. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

6. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

7. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist

8. Bikinis and liver spots

9. Short shorts and varicose veins

10. Inline skates and a walker

And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:

11. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

Sunrise -- then no sun later on -- WTH?

Jewish Taxi Driver

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his Eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt To start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong With you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked Woman before?" The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you Sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you Tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from." The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if You're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what Are you doing then?" He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking To myself,'Vair in DA hell is dis lady keeping De money to pay for dis ride? Now, that's a REAL Businessman!

 

3rd Chemo

First we start with Clint's 3rd birthday party, he was born on Oct 29th but due to his Mom's Asian travels, his party was postponed until Sunday, November 11th.

The theme was "Construction" and everyone had a plastic hard hat to wear and Dan and Kel really decorated the garage up nice and as it is heated, it was comfy too.

However, the rain stopped and by 11 it was close to 70 degrees and many folks were stripping out of heavy coats and soaking up the fresh air and sunshine.

Ya, this is Mom and her little man, they are so cute and love each other so much.  She is one happy, proud and good Mommy.

The best gift was the one Daddy got him. After talking about what he might like for days, he said he wanted a tool box just like Dad's.

Well, that is what he got and it's full of "real"tools and he was one happy boy.  Could hardly lift the box but he did, they opened it and had to find scissors to use to open his other gifts.

Oh man did Daddy make his day, good job Dada.

Yes this is me, my third Chemo treatment on Monday, November 12th.  My goal this time is to have one treatment with no sides, wouldn't that be wonderful.

Spoke with the doctor, asked how I was progressing and he said I was doing fine.  White cells well within range, platelets (meaning red I think) were okay and everything was fine.  Kinda of surprised to learn I have been slight anemic since January 2011 but that was when I had my colon surgery. This will be addressed and something done once chemo ends -- most likely this means iron tablets or something. Iron and me don't get along but we shall see.

After my 4th chemo treatment, which is scheduled for Dec 3rd, Dr. Gold will refer me to the radiation oncologist, Dr. Hauerstock and we'll discuss the radiation treatment plan. Normally they like to see a break between programs and I'm hoping they'll day we'll start in January so I can have my holiday.  Of course, it really doesn't matter because regardless blood will still be drawn and checked to insure everything is okay. Chemo drugs continue to flow through the body for a long time

However, the dry mouth is gone, appetite is back with just a slight metallic taste left and I was irked to learn I regained 4 pounds. So now I am cutting out sweets and cutting  back on my food intake.  I know, I need this weight for various reasons but I liked being a bit thinner and as long as I keep drinking, I shall be fine.

Ya, just when you start feeling good, energy level back and all that, treatment hits and the lovely neulasta shot and soon, you are sensing the fatigue again and desire to nap alot. Oh well, I did get quite a few errands run before exhaustion hit.

You all have a great week, I sure as hell am!

Bob's Funeral

Bob  works hard at the office but  spends  two  nights each week bowling,  and  plays  golf every Saturday.   His  wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so  for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip  club.   The  doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey,  Bob! How ya doin?'   His wife is puzzled  and asks if he's been to this club  before.    'Oh  no,' says Bob.   'He's in my bowling  league.   When they are  seated, a waitress asks Bob  if he'd like  his usual and brings over a  Budweiser.   His  wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and  says, 'How did she  know  that you drink Budweiser?'   'I recognize  her, she's the waitress from the golf  club.   I always have a Bud at the end of  the 1st nine, honey.'   A stripper then  comes over to their table, throws her arms  around Bob, starts to  rub  herself all over him and  says,   'Hi  Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big  boy?'   Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her  purse and storms out of the club.   Bob  follows and spots her getting into a  cab.   Before she can slam the door, he  jumps in beside her. Bob  tries desperately to explain how the stripper  must have mistaken him for someone else, but his  wife is having none of it .   She is  screaming at him at the top of her lungs,  calling him every 4 letter word in the  book..   The cabby turns around and  says,   'Geez Bob, you picked up a real  bitch this time.'   BOB's funeral will  be on Saturday.

 

Today is MY Birthday

Finally after a ten day hospital stay, which was not pleasant but needed, on October 22nd, I had my second chemo treatment.  All was good until Nov 1st when the doctor (actually the nurse) called to say the doctor wanted me to come in Friday and get some fluids as my fluid level was low and also, once that 2 and half hour number was over, he'd like an ultrasound just to check on my kidneys.

Once that was completed I was advised to drink more and the latest blood tests showed my levels were coming up and things looked better but drink, damnit, drink!  Also more lab work on the 5th -- damn vampires like their blood.

So feeling good and everyone wanting damn photos, I took this one and said, "enjoy!" There is no way in hell a bald photo is gonna be taken much less posted.  I detest this bald look.  
]
A dear friend made me,home made mind ya and her own design, two toques and man do they fit and feel wonderful.  I have always wanted something she made, she does beautiful work but hardly imagine it would be something I would truly need.  Regardless I am extremely thankful.

Here's one of the toques...like I said its great and keeps my head warm too.

Weather has decided to turn chilly and while I already have issues with staying warm, this hat makes life bearable.



So as I start to feel better, my appetite is slowing coming back and I am eating a bit more.  When you can't taste anything, eating and drinking is difficult but I literally force myself to do both. Obviously more drinking is required so I am upping that number too.

My grandson did not care for my multi-colored hair and whipped this wig right off and then, went about trick or treating, it was pretty funny.

So today is my birthday and Facebook is filling up constantly with birthday wishes, which is amazing.  At some point kids will call and that will be great too.  This evening, family and I shall head to Hotel Grande for dinner, then back here for dessert. Go early and not hang about too long and I should be fine.  My energy level doesn't allow for long hauls but I am getting better and as they say, when you start to feel good, then its time for another treatment. I am feeling great but Monday, Nov 12th is my 3rd treatment.  Let's hope this one goes off with no cliches. 

So you all have a lovely day...keep smiling, life is good.

Color is Good

Yesterday I went to the doctor

For my yearly physical.

My blood pressure was high.

My cholesterol was high. 

I'd gained some weight,

and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said eating right

doesn't have to be complicated and

it would solve my physical problems.

He said: 

Just think in colors.

Fill your plate with bright colors.

Try some greens, oranges, reds,

maybe something yellow, etc.

and eat an entire bowl of

bright colors.

 

 

 

 

 

  
And Sure Enough,

I Felt Better Immediately !! 

I never knew eating right could be so easy !!

Now stay healthy,

eat your colors,

and have a nice day!

Try These

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.




Daily Thought:  SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Updates

My first chemo treatment was September 24th, all was good. The next day I went back for my Neulasta shot (white blood cell booster) and then we stopped at Price Chopper.  Just walking around and wham, diarrhea hit and with no warning, my pants were full...lovely!

Got home and cleaned up and from that point I on I was having diarrhea way too much and feeling lousy by the minute.  On Monday, Oct 1st went to give blood and Tuesday and Doctor called and wanted me to come back to the clinic, he felt I was dehydrated, so I was immediately hooked up to fluids.  Within a short time, chest x-ray was taken and spot on lung seen, wanted to admit me as they suspected pneumonia, okay with me, I was so sick, tired and what have you I could have cared less.  Well, once on the second floor, isolated room mind you, all sorts of shit stared to take place, hooked up to various antibiotics, fluids, blood samples taken, and finally a poop sample, I had contracted clostridium difficle or as they call it c-diffi and this is one nasty bug and really does a number on the body.  I wanted to sleep but could not, had to sit up half the time cause if I laid down I coughed. They kinda over did the fluid number and I heart was pumping big time and I could hardly see my toes,I wanted to go to some de-juicer room and get squeezed out. But no they had to do more friggin tests, cat scan, EKG, x-rays, etc. Finally they listened and started to decrease the fluid but not before they scared my entire family thinking I was having congestive heart failure (my heart was fine).  I would spend ten days in the hospital and learn 3 other cancer patients were on the same floor with this c-diffi number.  Yikes.  But I came home the 9th and man was I happy to sleep in my own bed.

While home I rested, took the antibiotics and sleep alot and my appetite went to hell in a hand basket.  Lost about 11 pounds before I even felt like eating anything normal.  Then on the 15th went back for my second treatment and that was a no go...seems my white cell count was not right, afraid if they did treatment I might see another bout of pneumonia,. so came home and finished the antibiotics  and rested.  Penny was here, cooking and caring for me and that was a big help. When my energy level was up, we're go into town, do some shopping and I got to buy her lunch at least three times which was good.  She's a great cook and its fun having her here.  While I was football, tennis and westerns, she goes to the other room and watches her programs, works for us.

In the meantime, our daughter is in Asia and having a good time...she is currently headed to Beijing  China and was looking forward to seeing this city. She is getting tired of all this travel, misses her husband and son and anxious to get home but she is also seeing and experiencing alot of amazing things.

As for me, today, Oct 22nd we shall try my second chemo treatment and I am hoping all is good and it happens, I know this stuff knocks my energy level to hell, fatigue is gonna happen but let's get moving on with this stuff.  As I said, I feel good and that helps.

So hope your day is good and you are smiling.  Keeping positive thoughts here and wearing toques as I have lost my hair--yuck.  Keep smiling folks, life is damn good.

My Part Died

You need a sense of humor to work  in a nursing home ~ that is for sure.

M Y PRIVATE PART DIED  An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse  Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.  'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'  Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'  The  following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.  He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.  Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'  'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'  'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'  (You've gotta love this.)  'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.' IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!!

Philosophical Discussion

This is from a man, in case you wondered!

Very good point!!!

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple of nice cold beers.  The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.  Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.  Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and here is the reason for my conclusion:  a year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

&&&&&&&

Well, September is nearly over and our weather has definitely gotten cooler, in fact its been down right chilly some mornings and we are getting lots of rain too.  This bone-chilling dampness just sinks into my bones and makes me  cold and that is not fun. Ya, dress warmer fool, summer is over, time to haul out the sweatpants and sweat shirts.

Hope you're all enjoying the Fall weather and doing all the Fall things, like raking leaves, collecting pumpkins, fixing squash and hell, decorating your homes and of course, putting summer things away for the winter months.  I still got to do the patio but need to wait until I can get some assistance.

Hunting Season in Texas

It was Saturday morning as Jake,  an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. 

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" 

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" 

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. 

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas. 

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." 

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. 

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get the hell away from my deer!" 

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the hell away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! 

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air. 

The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your damn deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

For all the women who drive alone

FOR ALL THE WOMEN I KNOW THAT DRIVE ALONE!

I had a flat tire on the I-294 yesterday ; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.
I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!

Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road.

People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.

He wanted to know what the heck I was doing so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat. He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.

I couldn't believe he didn't know! So I told him ...

Well, I explained to the angry Policeman ...

They're my Emergency Flashers!

             I   go to court in July

            (Damn Police. No sense of humor