YA DONE GOOD!

Oh this time of year you’re liable to hear anything and some of it just conjures up good ole memories.

I never understood why Christmas lights were put away all tangled up when Mother was adamant that each decoration had to be wrapped carefully and packed away gently. Yet the lights, hell, they kind of got tossed into a box and forgotten.

Now in our family, you had to put the lights on before any other decorations…that were a firm rule and nobody ever tried to change it – it made perfect sense. But first you had to untangle miles of light cords and attempt to lay them out in a straight line – with seven kids straight was a punishment not a line aka “I’ll straighten you out, young man, get your butt in here NOW.”

But somehow we got the idea that we had to check the lights to insure each bulb would work and if one was burned out, replace it now because it was easier to find off the tree than on the tree, duh! This particular year, we managed to get the lights all set out and after a bit of a hunt, found an extension cord, plugged everything in and damn, not one bulb was burned out. We were utterly shocked and I think we did the “no bulb burned out dance.”

Now the lights could be put on the tree and again, there was a particular order in which they had to go and only certain kids were allowed to perform this part of the tree decorating. But you had to watch nonetheless – watch and learn was the process or so they told us. We would also learn some new words and ascertain that some remarks were physically impossible to perform (I’m gonna put your head up your butt and then make you sing O Christmas Tree).

Once the lights were on, then everyone was permitted to help put on other decorations under the direction of General Mom. She had a certain order or place for each one and heaven forbid you change that placement – that would throw the entire scheme off and that, my friends was not allowed. You see Mother kept every damn decoration we ever made and lemme tell ya, some of them were damn ugly and done just to appease a Sunday school teacher or school teacher.
Finally everything was done and now we could plug in the lights and see everything in living color. Holy sheet, what happened, no lights – there are no flippin lights lighting. Now the light- placers are quickly checking to insure they connect each strand, knocking other decorations aside and getting yelled at but eventually they declare everything is secure. Secure? Then why aren’t the lights on Einstein?

Unbeknown to us Dad had been watching this performance for sometime and never said one word. As the volume of disgust rose and accusations became almost violent Dad uttered one word QUIET! And that room became very quiet and I do mean quiet. You could literally hear each other breathing.

Dad merely squatted down, grabbed the extension cord, plugged in the light plug and all of a sudden we had lights on the tree. In our haste to look important, nobody checked to see that the lights had never been attached to the extension cord aka power! Now Dad got to utter his favorite phrase “YA, DONE GOOD!” This phrase was used whenever we finally did anything a moron could do correctly!

And in case you wondered, we still toss the lights into a box and go thru this process every damn year. Well, some of us, not me, I went for a fiber optic tree so I don't mess with those flippin lights anymore! See I did learn!!!