SPRING WHAT?

Just when you thought looking forward to spring was gonna be so much fun and enjoyable, some nitwit comes along and reminds us that spring also means “spring cleaning!”

Now who in the hell came up with that freakin notion? Don’t we clean all the time and do we actually have to have an actual “season” to clean? I mean, have you ever heard of “winter cleaning,” or “summer cleaning,” or “fall cleaning?” Naw, neither have I so this spring cleaning had to be created by some cleaning hag that had no life but a dust rag and mop bucket!

However, if you search the Internet or even talk with some cleaning nuts, they have all kinds of tips and helpful hints to offer. In my book it’s real simple. Know those clothes you removed from the closet so you'd have room for the winter stuff? Get’em out and take that heavy stuff and put them wherever in hell you stored the lightweight stuff. That’s the first tip.

Now look at those tops, any stains on them? You know when food, drink or dip just refused to stay on the crackers, spoon, and fork and just had to land on your top? Ya, those stains, well, toss them in the rag bag. Hell’s bells, you got stimulus money, buy some new tops – might as well stain new stuff, right?

Hey, anything that doesn’t fit now, toss it – you ain’t gonna fit into it any time soon and by the time you get back to that size, you’ll buy new stuff as a reward for losing weight, so give it up sister, toss’em in the rag bag or yard sale box.

Are you exhausted yet? Okay, know those blinds? Ya those suckers that are a witch to clean. Take’em down and buy new ones – come on, they are not that expensive and it sure as hell beats cleaning'em. If you insist, take’em down, put’em in the bathtub, fill tub with soap and water, let’em soak, now hauled outside to dry…clothes line, deck rail, hell any place you can dry’em. Then, when completely dry, put’em back up. See, buying new was much easier…duh!

Look you wanna fool everyone, just dust, vacuum and move a few piece of furniture around and they’ll think you busted ass all damn day cleaning. After they bitch about how they hate this new arrangement, wait two days and put it back the way it was – you liked it that way too and again, they think you busted butt cleaning like a mad woman.

Okay, enough with the cleaning – go get some booze, find those lawn chairs, drag out that grill and let’s really enjoy spring-weather! Ya, I hear ya, you like this spring-cleaning program, I can tell!!! Whatever you do, don't over do this cleaning crap -- you can injure yourself and do all sorts of internal harm...so go slow and easy...good girl!!

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly - wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: 'Wow, I remember these!

Thanks Sis, this certainly cured any notion I had of possible early dementia!!!