Woodpeckers

A few weeks ago, I looked out and had five – 5- blue jays on my deck and thought, “Wow, must be convention!” Now, I know not everyone likes blue jays, they are pigs and smaller birds really do have to wait or fight to get to the food box but hey, survival is survival, right? I have plenty of bird feeders and although this time of year doesn’t really require much food in them, I still fill'em up to keep the birds coming to my place…ya, bite me!!!



However, lately I have found myself with “woodpeckers,” and I mean, lots of woodpeckers. Ok, I do have a tree dying in my back yard and that bark is real nice fodder for them but how the hell do they find the tree in the first place. And to gather in my yard, on my deck and eat from my bird feeders is just flat out a sight to watch.



Now the pileated woodpeckers (which seem to be the ones here) are the largest of the common woodpeckers found in most of North America (ya I know you are interested in these facts). Here are some more facts:



• Most woodpeckers have four toes. Two face forward and two face backward. This arrangement is called “zygodactyl.”


• Their short legs and sharp nails make it easier for them to cling to bark.


• A pair of stiff, centrally located tall feathers, allow the bird to “tripod” itself on trees. This facilitates a solid platform from which the woodpecker can strike the tree with its beak. These important feathers are not molted until their replacements have fully grown in.


• A straight, chisel-like bill is used to excavate holes in trees for nesting and roosting. It is also used for foraging insects, insect eggs and larva.


• Woodpeckers lay 2-8 white eggs. Both parents aid in incubation. The young are born blind and naked.


• All woodpeckers have a characteristic wing-beat pattern while flying: 3 flaps and glide, 3 flaps and glide….(ya, you’re gonna watch now, aren’t you?)



You know that woodpecker hammering you hear now and then? Actually it can be heard from a great distance to the actual bird and they also use it to attract mates and to announce the boundaries of their territories. Pairs establish territories and live on them all year long. So if I leave this tree up, I’m gonna have woodpeckers all year, eh? Sorry, drummer-heads but the tree is coming down…dead tree is not good and leaving it could result in it eventually falling and causing some damage…not a good idea.



Now you have insight into woodpeckers and you thought this was gonna be a silly day!!!



I’m O.C.D.---old, cranky & demented.

Saturday's weather ain't looking so good, its currently 63 degrees but its also -- you know what I'm gonna say --raining!  I was really hoping it would be dry today and I could mow the yard but hey, this continues much longer and I'll need a farmer to come by with a real mower -- hell, might even have enuff to bale too.

Earthquake

Okay, you felt it, right?  Oh come on, everyone is talking about the quake that hit our area around 1:40 this afternoon.  What?  You slept thru it?  Have no clue about this? Damn, wake Up!!!  You know this is gonna be the only thing talked about for the next few days, right?

Gotta tell ya, I have lived all over the place, stateside and overseas, and I have witnessed tornadoes, hurricanes and even earthquakes but I never in my life suspected one in my neck of the woods -- upstate NY are you kidding me???

Here I was, watching Wimbledon tennis matches, no big deal, got up to put the baby's bottle in the sink and suddenly it felt like the house was shaking or wait, was I having a stroke (not that I ever have had one or even know what in hell they feel like)?  I mean, this shaking wasn't just a quick little shake and done, nope, this shaking hung in there a few minutes[okay, 45 seconds but it seems like minutes].  It was a bit annoying and puzzling.  However my tennis matches were keeping me happy, so I had to rush to the computer and hit the local weather station to learn, yup we had a freaking earthquake.

Now the "scale" is incomplete -- most agree it was at least 5.0 but many are saying it 5.5.  And the center?  You ready for this? Ottawa -- that's just two hours from us -- wow. 

Now, we shall (so they say) have some after effects (what more quakes) and tonight we are to prepare for some major thunder-bumpers.  Look, as I understand it, Florida would love this freakin rain, can we direct it that way and have them send some of that heat our way?  I don't want it blistering hot but I would like to see the gardens flourish for a change!!!

Okay its "pasture bedtime" so I am outta here...have a good evening.

The Stella Awards

Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual “Stella Awards.” For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head and say WTF. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for the past year:

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California , won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching .. There are more......

Double hand scratching after this one.....

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

Only two more so ease up on the scratching....

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware , sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ..... Oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

OK. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her –- are you sitting down? --- $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Saratoga

Last week was kinda a trial run for Clint and I.  We went to Saratoga with Mommy so she could attend the SUNY Cap Conference but more importantly, this was his first real long road trip.

Soon he will depart with his parents for a trip to Maine [and I get to house sit instead of kid sit,much easier I suspect]-- and in the Fall, Grammie shall accompany Mommy on high school visit in New Jersey...While she does her thing, Clint and I shall do our thing, which means, lots of stroller hikes and finding quaint places to explore.  I suspect by then, he will be walking...he's about had it with this crawling number.  He is fast but even he knows, two feet move faster than two knees!

Now take a look at this birdhouse?  I put this one facebook and many asked if it was mine (they are so kind) but one gal wrote "great, even the freakin birds got government housing!"  Even more amazing was throughout this park, which was quite huge, there were various bird houses and quite elaborate at that...lucky damn birds.

The other thing was lots of freakin ducks.  I mean, the ducks are the main attraction at this park for damn sure. They are everywhere, wait, near the water and to be honest, there isn't alot of duck poop, I mean you can walk about without stepping in shit (which is good).  Clint was pretty impressed with them, finally something smaller than him!

Saratoga is a nice city/town/village -- lots to see and do and easy walking around the town -- did I say "easy?"  Yes, the downhill walks were delightful, but coming back up the hill, pushing the stroller definitely was a workout I had not prepared for so I found a new route so I could avoid that freakin hill.  I still had a hill to get over but not as steep and offered me other sights to enjoy as well.  Including the reality that if I had turned left when I left the hotel, I would have walked to Dunkin Donuts, Stewarts and Pizza Hut...instead I went right and headed downtown to all the quaint little shops!  In fact, when I did stop to eat, thinking the baby wouldn't mind, as soon as my food arrived, two bites and he was ready to move on -- okay, lesson learned.  Buy shit to go and eat in the freakin park!!!

All in all folks it was a fun outing and although I came home exhausted, it was a good exhaustion (is there really such a thing?).  I always have a good time and yet, once home I need my catch up rest and my own bed -- oh hell, I also need my chair naps!!!

Did you hear about the guy who wouldn't go out with his wife because she was a married woman?

Ya same guy who thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease.

And finally let me leave you with this thought: some days you're the bug and some days you're the windshield.

So keep smiling and remember, life is good as long as you're on this side of the dirt.  Nobody has told me about the other side!

Rules for Kickin Ass

Rules for the Non-Military

Make sure you read #13

Dear Civilians, 'We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.

For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are

a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass.



2.. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag

in protest - kick their ass.



3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the

highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.



4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were.

Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling Others that you used to be 'Special Forces'.

Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.



5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them,

'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such

ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).



6. If you witness someone calling the Coast Guard 'non-military',

inform them of their mistake - and kick their ass.



7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on

your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your

heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be

carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe

ass-kicking.



9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying

it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore would kick your

ass!



10. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines*), 'Grunt' (*Army*),

'Squid' (*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers'(*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of

endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service

member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them

could get your ass kicked.



11. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the

military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and

religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please

remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our Country would get it's ass kicked.



12. It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of

the press. It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech. It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate. It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.



AND ONE MORE:


13. If you ever see anyone singing the national anthem in Spanish -
KICK THEIR ASS.

Gonna Be A Bear

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd Like to come back as a bear. When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, your suppose to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake up to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs I could definitely deal with that. If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. you swat away anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. 
YUP, I'M GONNA BE A BEAR!

&^&%*%^^

Another Saturday and another rainy day -- I'd build an Ark but I'd need a permit and I ain't about to go ask for one...could you imagine the hassle that would cause?

The Temp is hovring in the low 60s and the wind, well, of course the wind is blowing. But I've been stuck in the house long enough, I'm gonna go drive Wally World Nuts for a while...well, maybe I'll just go to Walgreens and see if I can't bug them instead.  It really doesn't matter, I just gotta get out and see something beside my TV and living room.  Shit, I just need fresh air!!!

Birds & Updates

Oh come on, it’s been a while since I bored you with my bird watching. Well, now it’s taking on a whole new twist and I almost feel like a stalker!!!


My son sent me this lovely bird house, a first for me, and I tried various locations on where to put this house. I was advised to place it near or have the bird feeder nearby and eventually birds would come and use it. Well, I wanted it close to the deck so I could see them but that wasn’t working out as nicely as I wished, so I moved it back to the tree line. Hell, I have binoculars; I can still “watch” the house. Ya, waiting for “wrenters.”






To coax them, I tossed in some bird seed, some dried grass and even a couple twigs, what the hell, a starter home should have a few items right? Then I noticed I did indeed have wrenters and I was quite a happy camper. However, a big ole wind came up one night and when I looked out I could not see the bird house…what the hell?


So I hike to the tree line and discovered it had been blown off the branch and I needed to re-secure it and this time, I was gonna make damn sure it would not blow off again – unless we got a tornado (of course, in due course we would be under tornado watches – just my luck). That is when I noticed how ambitious these birds are – talk about twigs, they had so many in this tiny house I wasn’t sure how in hell they fit there. My sister, upon hearing this story immediately inquired; “you didn’t rearrange the twigs did you?” Hell, just straighten stuff up, added a desk, chair and tiny TV set – hey, let’s make’em comfy!! You do know I am joking, right?

Now the house is secured to the branch, have a feeder close by and once again, the wrenters are back inside and in due time I suspect eggs will be laid and hatched and young birds squawking their bloody beaks off. Oh the joys of a bird wrenter and all because my son decided bird feeders were fine but a bird house, now that is what she truly needs. Maybe he’s thinking; “let her see how things are for birds and when it is time, we can put her in a tiny room, too!"

Once again, a wet Thursday – hells bells, I am sick of this damp weather. It was half way nice yesterday, managed to get a few outside chores done but never did get the yard completely mowed. Did the trimming and pushed the mower in those areas a riding mower can’t reach and cleaned up the tulip flower bed –now to add more seeds or plants so it doesn’t look so barren. Hey, I’m with you, we could use a couple dry days and some warmer temps. Pretty damn sad when you hear folks say they fired up the wood stove or had to turn the heat on because the temps were in the low 40s and the damp air was making everything cold. And this is June!!!

BTW how many of you remember speeches made at either high school or college graduation commencement?  Me neither so why have the suckers?  It's always the same crap, "follow your dreams, dream big, forget dreams, follow your heart," and so on. Bottom line, what we should be telling these kids is: "look, don't even think you're gonna have a starting salary at sevent-thousand, get over yourself.  And you know what,get off your lazy asses and get outside and realize there's a world out here and maybe, just maybe you'll come up with a business that makes sense and works."

To all the grads, congrats, I wish you a wonderful future, truly I do and if nothing else, keep a positive attitude and keep smiling.  And, by the way, pay off that college loan, okay---someone else needs those funds now!!!  Thanks

Words to Live By

Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are....



1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.


2. You need only two tools, WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.


3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right. "


4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. Crow is easier to eat while it's still warm.


6. The best advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"


7. If someone says that you're too good for him or her, believe it.


8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month?"


9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!


10. Be really nice to your friends and family. Some day, you may need them to empty your bedpan.

This is Real Ask Snopes

Don't pick up any plastic bottles that may be laying in your yards or in the gutter, etc.



Pay attention to this.

1. a plastic bottle with a cap.


2. a little Drano.


3. a little water.


4. a small piece of foil.


5. Disturb it by moving it; and BOOM!!


6. No fingers left and other serious effects to your face, eyes, etc..

People are finding these bombs in mailboxes and in their yards, just waiting for you to pick it up intending to put it in the trash. But, you'll never make it!!! It takes about 30 seconds to blow after you move the thing.

We got some sick damn minds out there -- people got way too much time to think up sick crap like this!

Well, it is Saturday and from the looks of it, it's gonna be a damp, rainy day...and I am sure the humidity is gonna be high too..damn.  Oh well, I still plan to head to Wal-Mart and check out a few things -- haven't been in a couple weeks, so I am overdue a Wally-fix.  You all have a great weekend, okay?

This is what kids do when bored -- gotta love'em!

GED

The following questions were from last year's GED examination - These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons


A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink


A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed


A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans


A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on


A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections


A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids


A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age


A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty


A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes


A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination


A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour


A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)


A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?


A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?


A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control


A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'


A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?


A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness


A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?


A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning


A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?


A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?

A.  Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement..

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway..

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Tis Friday and the outside looks inviting.  Yesterday, before it got blazing hot, my grandson and I had a lovely stroller hike over to the boat launch.  He was all eyes and watching everything but once at the water, he promptly fell asleep. Then when we got home, he woke up and was ready to play. By now Grandma was ready to sit and do nothing.  Oh well, he rules and we had a marvelous day.

So far (give me a break) my tomatoe topsy turvy plant is doing great.  I even planted some flowers (someone gave them to me) and they are thriving..I am watering these suckers every morning, so maybe I have figured out how to do this sheet after all.  Hey, I was a farm kid and as a kid, we grew everything and had no issues but I just forgot how to do this stuff...imagine that!!! Think I may get a couple green pepper plants and try my luck with them too.  Hey, I am not into this garden business, just a few plants to keep me entertained, okay?

I know, this time of year one does not need to feed the birds, but I continue to offer up bird seed and they continue to come to the feeders -- I do enjoy the little buggers. Wish to hell the crackles or crows or black birds would go away tho -- they are hogs.  Oh well, saw my first hummingbird the other day and wow, that is a pretty bird.  I will attemtp to capture him on film soon..did this years ago with a video camera and it was awesome.

Okay its Memorial Weekend, please remember the real purpose behind this day and thank those serving today and those who served in the past and especially those who gave their all for the freedoms we enjoy today.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It Happened at Home Depot

A Home Depot Story !

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. [she was drop dead gorgeous and wearing a top that definitely enhanced her body, if you get my meaning]

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"


The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.


Mary exclaimed, "My goodness that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.


From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"




Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."






This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!!!

Update on My Surgery

Dear Family and Friends,

Most of you know I went in for a small surgical procedure for a butt lift. I did not have the most pleasant of experiences. I wanted to show you how it turned out. Please, refrain from getting this procedure.

You will regret it!

Exercise

Exercises



The Doc told me to start an exercise program.

Not wanting to harm this body, I've devised the following:

MONDAY

Beat around the bush

Jump to conclusions

Climb the walls

Wade through the morning paper

TUESDAY

Drag my heels

Push my luck

Make mountains out of mole hills

Hit the nail on the head

WEDNESDAY

Bend over backwards

Jump on the Band Wagon

Run around in circles

THURSDAY
Advise the staff on how to run the store

Toot my own horn..

Pull out all the stops..

Add fuel to the fire..

FRIDAY
Open a can of worms..

Put my foot in my mouth..

SATURDAY


Start the ball rolling..

Go over the edge..
Pick up the pieces..

SUNDAY

Kneel in prayer..

Bow my head in thanksgiving..

Uplift my hands in praise..

Hug someone and encourage them..




What a Workout!

Ole Cherokee Saying

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.



He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."The other is God - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."






The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"






The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Library Card

I just gotta share this because it so darn cute.

My grandson called me and asked if I had a Library Card.

"I don't think so, " I replied, "but I know Grandpa has one for sure."

Just said yes Grandma, okay?

"Okay, yes I have a library card."

In a very big voice he said, I'M GONNA CHECK YOU OUT!" 

Well, our weather is staying nice, I mean, two days with temps in the 70s and I even turned the air on today because it was getting a tad warm inside.  Plus Clint and I got to take a long hike today (he fell asleep so I had to push both ways).  All in all a rather productive day. 

OMG

I got a new stick deodorant today.


The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.






I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.




Okay, it is Saturday and life is good.  Went to Massena, drove those folks nuts, picked up some seafood for dinner and some other stuff. Came home, watched Tennis and still waiting for the "wrenters" to show up in my Mother's Day Bird House.  Following all the "ideas/suggestions" that I should put "food nearby," hang away from places big animals could attack and so on. Hell, I even put some dried grass inside and seeds -- what more could they want -- I am not gonna build the damn nest for them!

So what shall the evening be like? Who cares, got my seafood and I'm golden and yes, I also got my beer -- would I not have beer handy?  Come on!!!

Woman Shot in Head

Woman shot in the head

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The English Language

How does anyone ever learn English? Do you think it is easy? Let's take a look.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .


3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.


4) The maid must polish the Polish furniture.


5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.


6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.


7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present ..


8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.


9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.


12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .


13) They were too close to the door to close it.


14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.


15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.


17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.


18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.


19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.


20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.


And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?


If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat ? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?


How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.


English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?


At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?


Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?


We call UP our friends.


And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.


We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.


At other times the little word has real special meaning.


People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.


To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.


A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP..


We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.


We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !


To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.


In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.


If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.


It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.


When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .


When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...


When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.


When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.


One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP!


Now it's UP to you what you do with this email.

Retirement Home Test

During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, how do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?"

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Ya, like you got that without reading all the way down...uh huh!  But you did smile, didn't ya?

Getting a Hair Dryer Thru Customs

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.


The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Weekend

Here we are, May 8th and it should be warm, sunny and comfortable spring weather with a strong hint of summer in the air. But NO, we got temps hovering in the 40’s, rain, high winds and a chill that seeps into your bones and makes you feel a hundred years old (have no clue what that feels like or actually means, but cold bones ain’t pleasant and age has damn little to do with it).

To make matters worse our weather reports say this nasty stuff will continue throughout the day and tonight, oh yes tonight, the temps will drop even lower and guess what? You guessed didn’t ya –we could see that dreaded white stuff.

So what does all this really mean? It means we all put away our winter stuff way to early; i.e. snowshoes, snow blowers, shovels, snow tires, etc. Hell, we even mowed our yards, raked and in some cases, even planted a few things early in the hope they’d take root and grow faster. Oh ya, we be anxious for the warm stuff and home grown veggies (assume we don’t end up with some blight, disease or root rot like last year). And in some cases, we hauled out the patio furniture and started grilling too (I know some grill all year long but many have a kinda set schedule and grilling in snow ain’t exactly the most pleasant experience).

In the meantime, I have been to Florida – drove this year and came back with a lovely tan (first time I went and did not burn) and damn, it is slowly disappearing – now that is not fair! My newest grandson hit the six month mark and he also hit BIG in my book. This was the preemie who arrived at 5.5 lbs and now weighs in at 17.10 lbs and is 26.5 inches tall. What happened to that little boy? He is now crawling up a storm and this week decided not only can he crawl, but he can pull himself up too…however, he isn’t all that steady, so he falls a lot (which irks him, gets cry now and then and shortly resumes this act again and again).

On the brighter side our son had his latest Mayo Clinic check up and he texts me that “will call later, I am NED.” Now this has me totally stumped – what in hell does that mean? Did he mistype some work? Well, in due course I would learn this meant “no evidence discovered,” which in English came to mean: complete REMISSION! Talk about happy, everyone is happy for him and he’s got a huge smile on his face. Those damn tests are not fun but these results were fantastic!!!

So as Saturday continues to be wet, damp and chilly, hubby and I stopped at Lowe’s a bought some new blinds (the wooden type I will clean, not those plastic suckers). He now has a project for this afternoon and me, well, I will watch some TV and most likely have a chair nap!

BTW everyone have a lovely Mother’s Day Weekend and don’t forget to call Mom tomorrow, okay? Yes, life is good, we’re still on this side of the dirt and that counts for a lot, right?

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'


I jumped down and walked out of the office...






When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'


(You're gonna love this....)




She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'

Are You A Doctor?

3 Nickels

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boys testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boys testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, Ive never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?


No, the woman replied. I'm with the IRS

Retarded Grandparents

"RETARDED" GRANDPARENTS

Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do.


After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:


We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Handicap Doors

Okay, I am all for these buttons that those who need them can push so the doors open for them. Hey, you don’t have to be totally handicapped to use these suckers and that’s no big deal.

However, I was in Watertown yesterday with my grandson, we got done shopping and I was leaving the store, pushed the handicap door opener and one set of doors opened nicely, allowing me and the stroller plenty of time and space to walk through. Now I am between doors and no freakin button and now, I gotta turn around, open the damn door and pull the stroller toward me and out the door. Who the shit came up with that stupid design? Isn’t one handicap button pushed supposed to open both doors?

As I’m struggling with the door, none to pleasantly I hasten to add, this lovely woman says; “hang on a sec, I will help you.” Oh goodie, my tantrum is cut short and I thanked her but made the comment about the stupid button and she replied, “Yes, it’s dumber than whale shit!” Gotta love those that help ole people!!!

Nice day shopping and Watertown is like a new world after being stuck in upstate and store after store has closed. Hey, I like Wal-Mart, truly I do, but I do get sick of that being my only option and the Mall, well, we still have some shops in there but damnit, some are upping prices to make up for lack of customers I think….ye gads!!!

BTW (that's by the way, in case you aren't into the new texting spelling) -- supposedly if you separate bananas they remain fresher longer -- who'd of thunk!  Gee, if I leave my beer uncorked, does it remain fresher longer too?  Screw it, I'm drinking the beer, as for the bananas, what the hell, separate them, who cares, gonna eat'em up pretty fast anyway!