Cattails and Concert

Yes, a strange title but hey, its Saturday and strange is in, okay?

On my walk the other day, I noticed cattails – ya, big deal, eh? Well, I have seen them most of my life but never gave them much more than a look. By that I mean, I didn’t do any in-depth study about them. So it was time, so here goes – ready or not!

In early spring the roots are edible and choice. They can be pealed and eaten raw, but Survive Outdoors strongly suggests boiling. It can be served with butter and seasoning to increase the flavor. The pollen of cattails can be shaken into bags and dried and used as protein rich flour for cooking. [OMG this sounds just yummy!]

Cattails at this stage with the brown tops can be soaked in kerosene and used as torches for light. Although the burning time may be short, it is a useful light source. Dried tops also make great tinder for starting fires.
I can see you are very impressed – but what I really wanted to share with some photos. In particular this cattail that looks like a pretzel – now, this is just to cute not to share with you and the other photo is when cattails are done and “fluff” out – kind of impressive and makes a great photo.

Friday nights entertainment fair choices were: St. Lawrence County fair had the Monster Truck Pull OR Franklin County Fair had the Phil Vassar concert – which one would you pick? My daughter and I chose Phil and what a great concert. I found the sound a bit loud, I know, it’s a concert it’s supposed to be loud. But too much base makes my ears ache [call me old but still with my hearing vs. young people who need everything loud to hear at all!]. However my daughter had no problems, she sang along, cheered, yelled and had a blast.

Prior to the attendance we had to have the mandatory “corn dog” and sadly we were disappointed – the stand we chose did not serve the best corn dog we ever have eaten but we managed to get it down and decided if a second dog were needed, we’d find another snack stand! Then we wanted cowboy hats and went on that search and found some adorable straw hats that looked good and could be shaped to our comfort level. Basically keep the sun out of our eyes – ya, sun that thing we haven’t seen in days!

Franklin’s grandstand is HUGE and man, the hike up the sucker is truly a physical challenge. Coming down was no piece of cake either. And the bench itself was aluminum with ridges – a tad hard on the butt! After a bit your ass feels like a ridge and slowly goes numb with this slow aching pain – all you want to do is get up and move, or find a nice soft place to plant your ass for a few minutes – what a relief that would have been! Sadly we regretted our choice not to purchase track seats, for ten bucks, and we’d of had metal chairs with backs and closer to Phil, which would have allowed for close up photos. Sometimes being cheap is stupid and this was one of those moments! Oh well, live and learn.

All and all a fun Friday night and as we drove home, it was one dark night and we worried about the deer, who seem to love to cross at the darkest time. And of course we ran into a few showers too. Oh well, home safe and sound and happy we went.

Oh just in case you wonder, Phil Vassar truly puts on a great show and he's truly a nice man too. We'd go see him perform again in a heartbeat!

Have a great weekend -- stay safe and keep smiling!

Scale Witch

Am I the only one who is getting just a tad sick of all these diet programs and how this pill or that pill will do the trick? In some cases, this pill will see you drop 20 pounds in one week! Twenty pounds –what, you don’t eat, right?

Then there’s this other pill – acaiberry or some such thingy and this is like a laxative and of course, it too will see a weight drop. It’s gonna drop because you’re gonna defecate yourself skinny! Hell, why not just buy a laxative and save yourself a few pennies. Wait, none of this appeals; ok we got “green tea” --- again, you drink, potty and lose weight. Sweet Martha we got so many damn options out here, no wonder we are still over weight – we can’t decide which is best for us so we chose NADA!

I admit I have issues with diets and mostly because I half expect them to work faster than is possible. I mean if I decrease my food intake, up my physical activity and stick on some point system for a week, I truly expect that bitch bathroom scale to reflect a drop in pounds. When I see a mere pound I am pissed beyond words. How is that possible? I am wearing clothes I could not even fit my fat ass into earlier this summer and now can and still I am not losing – how the hell is that possible? Oh you merely shift the fat around – you didn’t drop it. So the pants fit that did not before but due to shifting the tops won’t is that the idea?

Ya, you know my take on bathroom scales –hate’em with a passion. They do not take into account my age, height, bone structure, etc., but somehow has the nerve to display my weight – yuck!!! Okay, I am slowly getting this rage under control, I only weigh myself once a week and I refuse to let it upset me too much. The rest of the time I just continue to stick to the point diet system and I did increase my morning walk from 30 to 45 minutes.

Supposedly the pounds will leave and I will have developed a healthier eating habit and best of all, this new eating habit will help me keep those unwanted pounds off too. Gee, I had no idea my eating habits were that bad but hey, I did stop smoking and its true, you do gain weight when you quit. Hey, I’m still glad I quit and I will drop those extra pounds too.


So I will continue this desire to drop these unwanted pounds and no, I am not waiting for the Fall or winter months to diet, I need to do this now and I’ll bitch about the slow progress and at times blow it, by having a piece of cake or drinking not one but two beers, but eventually I will win this battle.

So hang in there, gang, we shall overcome these damn pounds – we are stronger than them and we can force them off our bodies and keep them off (say that three times and smile like a fool?)

Happy Mental Health Day

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

Damp Weather

What is it about continual wet weather that dampens our spirits and energy levels? Is it the fact that wet weather means staying inside? Hell, half of us stay inside anyway because it’s too damn hot to be outside except early morning or late evening, so that doesn’t make much sense!

Is it the mere idea that if we go outside we’ll get wet, our hair will get damp and our clothes will smell from dampness? While all of these concepts have merit it does not explain why our energy levels go down and all we want to do is curl up with a book, watch TV or take a nap! Hey, we all need “down” days and there is nothing wrong with doing nothing – hell; nothing is good for you too. In my simple mind, there is something magical about wet weather that can invoke so many emotions and cause so much upheaval in people’s lives. It just flat out amazes me and I don’t know why!

So here is my suggestions – what the hell, its stuff we should do or should have done weeks ago, so why not make it a wet day plan? Let’s start with those junk drawers, yes we all have them and for months we have thrown crap into them and well, it’s time to clean them out. Some stuff we ain’t ever gonna use and should have been tossed months ago, so toss it all ready!

Now move on to the closets – hell, we got clothes we haven’t worn in years and most likely we’ll never fit into again anyway. And if my some miracle we did, they’d be so outdated people would point at us and say; “thrift shop or costume party?” Ya, like we want that notation! Same-same with those pairs of shoes that line the closet floor or some hanging shoe bag – how many damn pairs of shoes do we need hanging around anyway? Time to sort and toss them out too or take them to good will.

Now we’re really getting our energy level up and perhaps we can tackle the basement – oh ya, that hole in the ground where we have stacked boxes, trunks and bags for months – time to go through them too. Toys our children played with and those kids are now grandparents – do we really need to keep them or should we give them to our kids? Hell let them store them and free up the basement, which could be fixed up and become our hiding spot or craft area or sewing center or even a quiet place to have a nice glass of wine.

The point is we do not need to permit the wet weather to control our emotions or invoke this damn low energy level. It’s our job to make any weather work for us and we can do it – we just gotta change our attitudes.

As for me, I’m taking a nap! Or maybe I’ll haul out the crock pot and try a new recipe --- I just refuse to let wet weather dictate how I shall conduct my daily life.

HOW DRY I AIN’T

Ya, I know, we all are sick of this wet weather and guess what, even Florida that usually wants rain is sick of it now too. Considering this state was mostly underwater and swamp land to begin with, lots of rain tends to make them nervous, like they’re reverting back to the wetlands or something.

Anyway, there’s a small break in the weather and I’m headed outside for my morning walk, wish me luck – I’ll either complete it dry and cool or return soaked to the bone – either way, I’ll have gone on my walk – now that my friends is determination or bloody stupidity, take your pick.

Now for some nonsense news briefs – what the hell, it’s raining again and this is better than some deep, philosophical crap none of us understands or wants to read.

According to TV Guide, Charlie Sheen is TV's highest paid actor, taking home an estimated $825,000 an episode for his work on TV's top sitcom, CBS' Two and a Half Men. (That includes ownership in the show.) CSI star and exec producer William Petersen follows with $600,000 an episode. As for the women, Law & Order: SVU's Mariska Hargitay comes in first with a payday of $400,000, while The Closer's Kyra Sedgwick is runner-up with $275,000. [Damn, this made my day – I want to be on TV and get paid like this? My show – BS and More!]

I’m not usually one to get into politics (unless I’m hammered and up for a good debate) but John McCain must really be losing his marbles. He volunteered his wife Cindy to compete in a beauty pageant that often has topless, and sometimes bottomless, women in it. I bet Cindy was thrilled!
“I was looking at the Sturgis schedule, and noticed that you had a beauty pageant, so I encouraged Cindy to compete,” McCain said at a rally in Sturgis, South Dakota.
“I told her [that] with a little luck, she could be the only woman to serve as both the First Lady and Miss Buffalo Chip,” he added.
ESPN.com columnist Jim Caple wrote that one scene at the pageant resulted in a woman “dancing naked on a bar top.” [Oh ya, I like this candidate like I like a dentist appointment – ye gads!]

Now this one really will rock your boat – hang on kids this is just too good:

Lisa Marie Presley broke the news to ET Tuesday that she's having twins with hubby Michael Lockwood, and now mom Priscilla Presley has the dish on her upcoming bundles of joy!
"It's her time to celebrate with her husband," Priscilla tells our own Mark Steines. "My daughter is a very family girl. She loves children, and I know that she and Michael have been hoping for this for a long time."
Priscilla says that twins run in the family "on Elvis' side and on my side too. I have twin brothers, and then, of course, Elvis had a twin brother [that died at birth]."
"You kind of start seeing double," she says with a laugh, adding that at home, "We don't say grandma, we say 'Nona' -- it means 'Grandma' in Italian. There's just such a connotation with Grandma and I just liked it better. [Lisa Marie's children] say it so sweet: 'Nona.'" [sorry Priscilla I am not buying that "such connotation to the word Grandma -- you just think by saying Nona it deflects from the reality that you are a grandmother -- ye gads. Hey, what’s with all the facial enhancements?]

Okay, I have completed my walk and the rain held off – its back to raining now, and have cooled down, so it’s off to the showers. I was considering visiting the county fair today but sorry, even I don’t care to walk about in the rain – yuck. So, I shall curl up with a book and call it a day. OR I could come back and post something else later on – ya, whatever floats my boat, right?

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

Here they are -- we waited a long time for these but they are now available - you will notice some are intended for men as well -- enjoy and remain strong!


§ DAMITOL: Take 2 and the rest of the world can got to hell for up to 8 full hours!

§ EMPTYNESTROGEN: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

§ ST. MOMMA’S WORT: Plant extract that treats Mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

§ PEPTOBIMBO: Liquid silicone drinks for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

§ DUMBEROL: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

§ FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

§ MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increase resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person.”

§ BUYAGRA: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration and credit limit of spending spree.

§ JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

§ ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

§ NAGAMENT: When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Depressed? Overworked? Job Suck? Unappreciated? Family Problems? Money Worries?

Well here is a pill for you FUKITOL – when life just blows ----Fukitol!

Gadgets and Things

Wow, August all ready – where in hell did July go? Am I the only one who thought July flew by? Make that “rained by?” Whatever I hope August will be a bit dryer but who in hell knows, the forecast for Saturday indicates “thunderstorms and scattered showers.” I may never get my lawn mowed but then, tall grass has a certain appeal too!

Anyway, last week I went to Syracuse and spent a few days with my sister and then, she brought me back home and spent a few days with me – needless to say, we have had our sister fix for a couple weeks! Ya gotta understand we have a great time together and laugh a lot and somehow we “push, encourage, force, stimulate, convince,” each other to do things. Like she needed to weed her garden and mow her lawn but just hated doing this alone, so between us we got it all done!

I arrived around 8am Tuesday morning and we immediately did breakfast – that was the first strong signal that any diet we were on was lost for the next few days – and I do mean lost! Not only would we eat whatever in hell we wanted, we’d consume as many beers as we wanted too – so screw the diet crap! Amazingly enough we discovered the store we really wanted to check out didn’t open until 10 a.m.! We looked at each other like everyone else had square heads because us farm girls get up before the sun and figured so should everyone else, and although we didn’t expect stores open at 6, 7 or even 8, we did think 9 was a reasonable hour! So we had time to kill and went to check out stores that did open at 9, and yes we did find some.

Ya gotta understand, we are gadget missionaries. We love to find new gadgets and search high and lo for these suckers. Now, admittedly at times we had no idea what a particular gadget’s purpose is but we usually buy it. Then the fun begins when friends come over and we leave it where they can’t help but see it and we wait for them to tell us or ask us what it is – talk about a wild discussion!

Now not everything can be classified as a gadget – some items are kitchen tools used on some cook show and we (1) want to see it with our eyes and/or (2) decided we want it in our kitchen! Unfortunately we are not always “clear” on what this tool is called but we usually know what it looks like. For example I was looking for a long handled square soup ladle ---we didn’t find one but that doesn’t mean we shan’t continue to search for one. Also we have found that some gadget or tool that seemed really cool and we’d like to have, is bloody damn expensive and loses its appeal PDQ (pretty damn quick).

Once we came north and now we had a new mission. My daughter wanted a homemade birthday cake, so my sister and I undertook that mission – do you know how long it has been since either of us made a cake from scratch? Ya, that long and it’ll be that long before we make another one!

Friday we decided to go fishing, and we did and we caught a few fish and tossed them back into the river – we just couldn’t image us cleaning fish. It was damn hot at the river and the sun was relentless and as it was humid, we were not having that much fun. So we came home and the birthday girl and hubby came over and we have birthday cake. That spoiled and negated any reason to fix dinner – we were full!

I settled in to watch Tennis but Sis was antsy and decided she’d “rearrange my cupboards.” Oh this is not new but it has been a few years. In fact, 20 some odd years ago she visited and at that time I tended to line up my spices in alphabetical order and this was enough to drive her nuts, so she switched them all around. I never lined up my spices after that number!

Now she was on a new mission and soon discovered we had quite a few items (cans and packages) of outdated (make that expired) goodies and it was time to toss them. This madness lead her to not only tossing the expired items but decided to arrange the cupboards so all the soups were in one spot, all the baked goods in another, canned veggies in another, pasta, etc, you get the picture right? Now, I am still trying to watch a tennis match and I’d hear; “1978! 1978, don’t ya think this should be thrown out? Holy Martha, 1978!”

Yes, all these items needed to be tossed and I would never have used them and eventually even I would have cleaned them out of my cupboards, one of those chores that just escape you. Finally at 9 p.m. she quit and we both sat down watch some TV (you see, I also got involved in the cupboard cleansing!). She told me she was leaving early Saturday morning, rushing home and cleaning her cupboard and refrigerator before I show up down there again because pay back is a bitch! Are we strange or what? [Sis called once she got home, unpacked and seemingly settled in for the day. She decided she'd best clean her refrig before I came back and did it and called to tell me "I think I'll just buy a new one, this is way more cleaning than I want to do!"]

So Sis, thanks for everything and as usually, I had a great time and now we can rest and I think my next visit will be during the New York State Fair, and we’ll drive other people crazy!

Speaking of fair – The Governeur-St.Lawrence County Fair is next week and you should plan to attend and by all means, stop by the 4-H Youth Building, they always have some pretty amazing items on exhibit and prove again and again, not all youth are trouble makers or lazy, but rather ingenious kids who have found a great way to show off their talents through a proven “learn by doing” educational program.

He thinks Beethoven's Fifth is a bottle!

Mid-Life

Puhl-eeee-eze, do not ask me to define mid-life – hell, anything with a zero could be mid-life, right? Let’s just say most think of mid-life, for women at least at the menopause phase and lately, we have seen TV shows talking about how great this phase is – are they nuts?

Lemme give ya a few mid-life facts and if you can relate, just smile and know you are not alone, okay?

• Mid-life is when the growth of hair on your legs slows down. This gives you plenty of time to care for your newly acquired mustache.
• In mid-life women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
• Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
• Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
• Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream: “Listen honey, even the Roman Empire fell and those will too.”
• Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we’re sitting on our biggest ones.
• Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: “For this I have stretch marks?”
• In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
• Mid-life means that your Body by Jake now includes Legs by Rand McNally—more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
• Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the “big” questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I get before it’s no longer a Healthy Choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when?

Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we’ve acquired? That’s my philosophy and I’m sticking to it!



Keep honking, I’m reloading.

They Never Change

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --There sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

MOVIE NIGHT

First off, I am not a real big fan of movie theaters – mostly because I usually end up having some BIG person in front of me and I can’t see the damn screen! And I tend to get antsy and find the seats a tad uncomfortable and/or confining, ya I’m real fussy!

However over the years I have become better adjusted to movie theaters and now they aren’t so difficult for me to enjoy a movie and I find going a nice change of pace. So when hubby suggests a movie, I’m usually in the car before he realizes I said YES!

Last Saturday it was Massena and the Will Smith Hancock movie – which was nice and enjoyable too. A bit over the top for me but still entertaining and I ate way too many junior mints! Now this Saturday we headed to Potsdam and saw Mamma Mia – and this was absolutely delightful. What a fantastic movie and talk about laughing? You laugh a lot during this movie and it’s a good healthy laugh. Best musical to come along in years!

It’s amazing that nobody left the theater to get more food, drinks or use a potty, everyone was glued to the screen, laughing and enjoying every scene. In fact, I could go again just to catch some of the lines I missed--- it was that entertaining! Truly a great movie and believe me Pierce Bronson’s singing ain’t half bad – however, don’t give up your day job fella!

I see our weather is playing that hide and seek number this morning – first we see some sunshine, then overcast and maybe a small ray of sunlight and back to dark clouds. Holy Martha, I am sick of this wet stuff, how about you?

Do you think we can expect August to be dry? That would be nice, eh? I feel for the farmers who just can’t get hay cut much less in the barn due this wet stuff – yuck!

Well, enjoy today and just think, next week is the last week of July – this month has flown by and I’m not sure who was driving or is that piloting? [ya, we all know who is in charge -- don't even go thar!]

Don’t let your mind wander – it’s far too small be to be let out on its own!

Amazing or Just Flat Out Unreal

Every have one of those weeks or days, when things either amazed you or you just flat out could not believe what you were seeing or reading?

Let me give you a couple examples:

Qantas airlines had a hole, not a tiny little hole but a BIG hole in their plane, so they landed and put passengers in a hotel while – now this is the part that got to me – while they repaired the airplane. Does that mean, they’ll patch the hole and continue on and if so, would you like to fly on this plane? [duct tape and good to go, yup, can't wait to get back on board]

The second goodie is “Weekends Ruin Diets!” Duh, and how much did we pay for some idiot to tell us what we all ready knew? Amazing, eh? Oh it gets better – after you recover from that brilliant deduction, someone came up with this theory or idea – and I happen to think it’s wonderful and for one reason only – I hate bathroom scales.

Supposedly you should toss out bathroom scales, they are bad news, well, not totally bad but not that helpful. Yes, it is nice to know what you weigh, especially in the medical field because it helps determine how much medication you should have, etc. But for the everyday person, bathroom scales are bad news. They do not take into account your age, height, bone structure, hip size, etc., and that is what most people are trying to reduce.

So instead of bathroom scales, once a week grab a tape measure and do the following – measure around your stomach, hips, thighs and upper arms and record the results. If you are dieting and do this, you will see changes and be happy and encouraged to continue your diet and physical fitness routine. Bathroom scales, even used once a week can lead to depression and anger management issues.


Then we have the “entertainment” dazzlers – now I admit I don’t know much about Amy Winehouse but now she wants to have kids, twins but hubby is in the slammer! Like I said, I know nothing about this woman, I am assuming she’s a singer but what she sings is unknown to me. Lately there has been all sorts of stuff about her and supposed drug habits and how she is going to lose her voice, face, head, etc. if she doesn’t stop smoking and using drugs—and she seems to make headlines wherever she goes (whatever in hell that means). In my opinion she is weird and I do mean weird.

Then we have the world’s only magnificent twins that supposedly some magazine is willing to pay $16 million for the first ever photos! Are you shitting me – 16 million for photos of babies who haven’t done a damn thing but be born to globe-trotting-adopting-parents? I was one of seven kids and I don’t recall anyone asking for our photos or a magazine splashing my arrival on the cover! Talk about deprived – man, I was completely overlooked – how in the hell did I survive? How did my parents survive? Oh, same-same for you too – okay, I’m cool with this now, thanks!

So it is Saturday and gas prices have come down a bit – I mean in Norwood gas was $4.31 and had been for a few weeks, today its $4.29 – so I should rush and fill my tank before it jumps back up, eh? Oh and I might suggest to hubby that he fill up the gas containers for the lawnmower too. Other than this, I think I’ll grab my fish pole, get some worms and head to the river – sounds like a plan to me.

A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.

The Preacher----

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.

'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'

The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'

The preacher said, I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss.

'The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'you just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.

MUSIC

Before you get to nuts, let me assure you this is one topic that needs to written about at least once, then laid to rest, okay? Why?

The reason discussions or topics on music are so difficult is that nobody is willing to come right out and say; “look you like that kind of music and I don’t, so you play yours and I’ll play mine but let’s be decent about the volume, okay?”

Personally I think our youth play their music way to loud and even wearing headphones, you can still hear this stuff blasting from their head. I’m telling ya, you want a career in the future where you’ll make tons of money – become a hearing aid specialist! Because many are gonna need hearing aids and they aren’t going to wait until their in the 70s or 80s, or no they’ll need them in their mid-30s and early 40s!

But that’s another topic – I just want to share some musical education I received in my lifetime and still receive, thank you very much.

My Father loved classical music, he didn’t always understand its meaning or what the words were attempting to convey but he loved the sound of it. Even the cows got to hear classical music because he controlled the radio in the barn and that is what was played!! If Dad wasn’t around, then and only then could we switch channels but man, be sure you put it back to his channel – be damn sure you did that or suffer the consequences!

Back in my youth the Norwood Municipal building held concerts inside and these included band and classical music performances. I mean, they were pretty popular and folks actually got dressed up, bought tickets and came to these events – it was high-class stuff and we were not then nor now, high-class folks! Anyway, Dad tended to prefer the balcony for some reason and that’s where we sat (mind you this was not a cheerful act on our part, we would rather of had our teeth pulled than attend these damn classical music performances). It always amazed me as to why we were dragged to this in the first place? Were their no sitters or was this considered his sick version of punishment? Dad always had a somewhat dry sense of humor!

Anyway, for whatever reason we went and had to sit through this stuff. Now, don’t judge us to harshly here but we use to take small pieces of the program, chew it up into tiny little spitballs and then, spit them in the direction of some baldhead below us. It was so small that when it landed it was like some annoying fly or hardly felt at all. Hey, on a good evening you could cover some “chrome dome” head with many spitballs.And we would stifled our giggles and keep right on adding to the pile. I mean it took quite a few spitters to cover a head and from different families but nobody seemed to compete or mind, just cover the baldhead was the main goal. Oh come on, we were kids and we weren’t the only ones engaging in this devilish behavior! The best part was we never got caught, Dad was way too wrapped up in the music and Mom, I don’t think she cared one way or the other!

The term classical music is also colloquially used as a blanket term meaning all kinds of music that feature choirs, or symphony orchestra instruments. The Classical period falls between the Baroque and the Romantic periods. The best known composers from this period are Joseph Haydn, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Ludwig van Beethoven. I know you are finding this just stimulating and hope it ends soon, right? This was the stuff or kind of music my Father loved and never explained why to anyone (to my knowledge and many years later, he actually became a bit more versed and could say who was playing when a classical tune was heard;"oh that's Mozart," he would say!).

I wanted my children to experience all kinds of music and that included classical and when they entered our home and heard it playing they would say; “OMG she is playing her death music again!” Obviously it was gonna take them a few years to develop a love for classical music just like it took me. Bottom line I find classical music very relaxing and soothing and now I fully comprehend why my Father loved it so much.

Okay, what’s the flippin point here? Ya, I suppose there should be a point---- don't ask me why but there should be a point, right? Hey, if you follow all this logic, you buy the next round my friend.

All I am suggesting is that you allow yourself and your children a chance to explore and hear different kinds of music. Take then to the Norwood Village Green Concert Series – let them hear these sounds and watch the various performances. They may never become classical music fans but they may discover that playing music at a respectable volume allows you to actually hear all the instruments and words and sounds so much nicer than that deploring loud blast that is ruining their eardrums!

Oh hell, go outside and sing, make up a song and just sing, do something silly today – why, because you can, that’s why!!!


Youth is a gift of nature, but age is a work of art!

WHY? WANDER, WHY?

Some days you just need to let the mind wander and allow the fingers to write whatever pops into your head, as long as it makes a bit of sense and doesn’t indicate complete stupidity! Being a little stupid is just fine—we all have that gene whether you know it or not!

What is it about rainy days that zaps our energy and makes us just want to curl up with a book or nap? It’s like rain means rest and sleep or slow down, you’re moving too fast – like it controls how we shall conduct our lives! Amazing when you think about it because rain really shouldn’t have that much power. I mean, I can still go for a walk whether it is raining or not, I’m not gonna melt – I’ll get wet and damp and perhaps catch a cold but I’m not going to melt! And if I dress properly I won’t get sick either!

Okay, I admit certain things are easier done in nice weather but rain doesn’t stop every outside activity. I can’t mow my yard when it rains [I could but folks would think I was crazy as hell] but I can still weed my flower garden and snap “dead” buds off the flowers, even if that means donning a raincoat and cap. I don’t think washing my car is exactly a brilliant concept when it’s raining but then, rain is a good rinse! And visiting other people usually sees this look of horror when they see you; “oh shit, wet coats and shoes, damn, there goes my clean floor!”

That reminds me, my kitchen floor is in dire need of a good mopping, hell, make that a scrubbing but I have a service person due sometime this morning and I think I’ll wait until that visit is over before I mop. Talking about service calls---how do you like it when they say; “someone will be there between 8 and noon.” That’s four damn hours that you are literally a hostage in your own home waiting on a service person – is that brilliant or what? No wonder doctors schedule all patients for the same hour and then, you sit in their waiting rooms together – at least you had an actual appointment, right? The logic of all this just baffles me but then, I baffle easily!

How many of you have switched over to the digital phone service? Yeah the one where when a call comes in you can see the name of the caller on your TV (assuming you have the TV on of course)! Oh yeah, it has the usual options; leave a message, speaker, conference, memory, redial, etc., and it has (or at least mine has) this annoying damn habit of causing folks who call me or who I call to announce; “hey, you’re breaking up, I’m hearing every other word OR hello, I can’t hear you, did you hang up?” Well, a few weeks (make it a couple months) of this nonsense and I finally called and reported the problem. Now, between 8 and noon, someone shall come and check out my phones – damn, technology is wonderful.

Holy Martha, its pouring – sweet mama! I’m telling ya, Scrapper, this is getting damn old! Isn’t there some place where they need rain? I mean, we can’t be in this much need of all this wet stuff, can we? Rivers are above the water table and while we’d love to be out on the river and lakes, these downpours are killing that desire big time!

So while my mind wanders from one subject to another, I was surprised to see Roger Federer got beat in his first appearance in the Rogers Masters Series. Man, this guy can’t catch a break – he lost to Nadal at the French and Wimbledon and now in Toronto – yikes. If he is not careful he will lose his number one ranking.

Okay, Time Warner Cable service guy has been here, fixed the problem and now the phone works properly and as hubby was becoming a tad annoyed getting kicked off the Internet at night, that has been fixed too – oh, he’s gonna be a happy man tonight – he’ll do the happy dance for sure (talk about a computer nerd, that is hubby).

So, now I shall head to Massena and my mechanic and ascertain why this damn check engine light insists on staying on and why it seems like I need help with the steering wheel – it works but isn’t turning as easily as before and makes a small squealing sound – ya, wait until the mechanic hears this – what the hell, he’ll get the idea, he’s use to my non-mechanical terms.

Have a good one or not if that is your pleasure.

Grandma’s Tree….

I know, everyone has seen various photos of the damage the windstorm caused last Friday and it was mostly downed trees, which is also sad news.

I just learned today that the tree our family dubbed “Grandma’s Tree” was blown down. It went right across the road and definitely was uprooted in the process. Various pieces of heavy equipment were needed to move it off the road. My nephew and his wife will chop it up and use it for firewood this winter.

Excuse me if this sounds a tad morbid but we all have such fond memories of that tree and it being uprooted and gone is just well, truly sad. As kid I sat under that tree stalling before called back to the hayfield. As a young adult I watched my children play under this tree and ask the same questions I had asked; “what was it like when you were a kid Mom?” I remember many a sitting under that tree, shucking peas, snapping beans, telling jokes, sharing stories, enjoying a cool drink,but mostly thankful for the shade it provided and the good company it attracted. It wasn't just family who sat under that tree, many a neighbor stopped by, grabbed a chair and spun a yarn or two as well. And relatives also found the tree and pleasant spot to gossip and update everyone on family happenings. Thank goodness a breeze usually blew so having to look at tons of photos was not possible -- I mean, how many vacation photos of a damn river did we need to see and awww over? And that tree heard some whoppers over the years, including our try at a cuss word or two. However, it never failed to keep our secrets -- never uttered a word or rebuked us for saying anything!

Here are some photos – more to follow soon…good-bye ole friend, we’ll miss you!

Picture it……

Estelle Getty, the diminutive actress who spent 40 years struggling for success before landing a role of a lifetime in 1985 as the sarcastic octogenarian Sophia on TV’s “The Golden Girls,” has died. She was 84. I don’t know about anyone else but I say she made this show and I loved her comedic lines and perfect delivery. I can still hear her say; “picture it, Italy 1932, me and Benito.”

And while Estelle has found peace we got hurricane Dolly ready to show Texas how big she is and causing some major concerns. Years ago I was living in Texas when Beulah hit and man, she did a number up and down the coast – not a pretty picture and wiped out many a lovely campsite at Corpus Christie and to this day, it has never returned to its former self – sad, because that was a great spot! [college years at the beach, hidden from everyone, what a grand spot -- sadly, it is gone now, damnit!]

Ever have one of those days where you just cannot make any more excuses and must do those “little” chores that nag at you but you have ignored for months? You know, update the phone list – that’s always a bitch in my book. Some folks are no longer here, others haven’t spoken to you in months and you have scribbled all over the damn paper and now, well, now it’s time to clean up and post a list everyone can read, yuck!

Then there’s that damn “junk” drawer (maybe more than one) and it really needs to be cleaned out. Hell, you got stuff in there from 5 years ago and it needs to go! It’s amazing what we cram into this drawer and forget it and yet, we muttered every time we need to get in this drawer “what in hell is all this stuff?”

And what about those damn CD’s you got laying about, time to put them away too, right? Oh wait, you like this one, so leave it where you can get it quickly – ya, that’s what caused this pile of CD’s in the first place!

And once you start on these so called little chores, you realize you haven’t dusted in a while and that now becomes a “must” in your life too. It’s amazing when you seriously begin what was cleaning up simple, little chores becomes a full time undertaking, holy Martha, this was supposed to be quick and easy!

I 'd decided there are no "little, simple"chores, because once you start, they become monsters and require more time that you intended or planned on -- ya, ya, to all those who keep a tidy place and don't allow things to pile up, good on you, are you happy insane? Neat freaks cause me to worry -- what in hell is going on inside their heads? Do they think they'll burn in hell if things are not neat and tidy? Ya just wanna make a mess and see how long it takes them to clean it, don't ya? Hey, I'm not suggesting living like pigs or never cleaning up but getting bonkers over a little dust or watermark, that's a bit out there in my book.

Hey, whatever you do, smile and have fun. And when the rain ceases even for a few minutes, get outside and watch the grass grow that you managed to mow yesterday!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!

MOW OR NO MOW

I’m confused (ya again) – earlier it was sunny and cool and my walk was very pleasant and all that good stuff. I realized the grass was still a bit damp, so I would need to wait a bit but I really need to mow the yard – looks like a bloody hayfield.

Well, sweet Martha, its now overcast and looks like more rain is headed our way. So, do I chance it and mow and get caught in a downpour or perhaps, manage to get the front mowed at least before rain arrives? Oh ya, sweetie, the infamous weather person is saying “sprinkles” for us today. Sprinkles! Don’t ya love that metrological term – sprinkles! Isn’t that what you put on top of an ice cream sundae – sprinkles? Damn if its gonna rain, say rain, give up this sprinkle nonsense!

Okay, here goes….I’ll be back later to let you know how it turned out and who knows, this might be a fun day after all -- oh give it up, riding on a lawn mower can be fun –what the hell, the only cost is the gas to run it and I can ride as long as I want…so thar!!! [don't even remind me about the cost of gas -- that would spoil the entire exercise]

"If you looked this good at 60 you'd be smiling too!"

ARE YOU????

Yes, we have all heard this a thousand times, life has its ups and downs. We all deal with such happenings and even write about them to confirm -- we ARE NOT the only ones who experience such events.

I’m now in that group of recent retirees, I figure 1 to 4 years qualifies as a Newbie in this auspicious group of people. After 4 years you pretty much know the ropes, have settled into the retiree mindset and have found ways to cope with whatever comes your way now. As for the Newbies, hell, we are still adjusting and having a blast in the process – not to mention a few bumps along the way too.

One thing I think most retirees discover is they are not in any big hurry. That doesn’t mean they are willing to let everyone go in front of them or they shouldn’t stand up and clearly let it be known they were here first; rather we realize that its no big deal to let a woman with a cart full of groceries and a screaming kid go ahead of us for one reason and one reason only – we are tired of hearing that kid scream! [Plus it proves we ain’t deaf].

We also tend to look around more and yes, take a bit more time. Not because we are slow but because we can – ain’t that a rip! Prior to this we always felt rushed or why bother, can’t afford half this stuff and not really that interested. Now, we can afford half the crap; it’s fun looking and you know what, we wouldn’t take this stuff if they gave it to us -- it’s that bloody ugly or impractical.

Now what is really fun is the store clerk who (1) wonders whether to ask or not and (2) asks then steps back because he has insulted someone who clearly is not a senior citizen[or prefers to keep that secret a bit longer]. Bottom line Senior Citizens get discounts, so what the hell, say yes and enjoy. I used to say yes before I was even close to the so called Senior Citizen status – I was getting stuff for my parents and hell yes, they were Senior Citizens, give me that savings!

In some places your drink is free if you admit you’re a Senior Citizen (non alcoholic, I assure you!). I love it when a 16-year announces he or she is a Senior Citizen and demands that free drink –now that is rich and humorous! But it’s more fun to mess with these clerks and when they ask if you are a Senior Citizen, ask them to define what that means? Is it an age and if so, what age would that be? Does one look a certain way to be declared a Senior Citizen or is it the gray hair? Please, tell me the definition so I am absolutely clear on this term?


It’s a blast to watch some make up some lame answer such as, “oh, it’s an age, you gotta be 50 and older.” And you’re gonna take my word for it or do I need to show you some proof? “Oh no, I’ll take your word for it, Senior Citizens don’t lie!”

The best response came from this gal who said; “I have no idea and I’m not gonna go there, it’s simple, tell me you are a Senior Citizen and your drink is free.” But sweetie, my drink comes with this combo meal anyway, so what in hell does free mean?

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says.....

OH SHIT, SHE'S AWAKE!

Canine Watcher

Look I admit it, I am not a big animal lover but neither am I an animal hater. Some animals I can take and others, well I prefer to avoid. I am allergic to cats, therefore I prefer to keep my distance but these creatures seem to find me appealing and always want to get close to me!

Yes I was a farm kid and we certainly had many animals and that was fine, I was a kid and didn’t realize you didn’t have to like them, but they were all treated with a certain decorum. Cows that deliberately got stuck in the swamp got cussed at and slapped with a stick to direct them to dry ground. “Town” folks adopted cats that seemed to multiply faster than rabbits. Yes, we had chickens and they were okay, they were penned up and collecting eggs was no big deal. A few goats but again, they bothered no one and for a time a pet raccoon of all things – oh ya, cute as hell until my mother decided this pet did not belong in the house thank you very much!

But as Bob B. would say, I digress…

This weekend I am watching my Grand dog – yes, that’s what we call him – well, no that’s not his name, his name is Moose and he’s a chocolate lab who has been spoiled rotten by his parents (aka owners). However, he is also a well behaved dog and unlike his early years, he now actually listens and minds me – thank goodness because chasing him now would mean a lot of running and Grandma doesn't run anymore (not that I ever ran like a gazelle or even a slow moving rabbit-- more like a nice low impact jog -- not overly fast but faster than a walk, okay?).

Moose likes Grandma’s place for two reasons: (1) there’s central air and when its hot, this feels damn good and (2) there’s a nice, big grassy yard to run and play in, which he enjoys thoroughly. This back yard has seen a few cats wander about and sometimes a dog. But when Moose is here, nobody hangs out or strolls through without him letting him or her know this is not a walkway for every Tom, Dick or Harry! Ya, he's in command and baby, this is one mean dude - hey, bottom line, this is his yard, get it, Moose Yard!

Anyway, yesterday was insufferably hot so when we went outside to toss the Frisbee around (yes, he has his own dog Frisbee) he nor I wanted to stay out too long and coming back inside was a welcomed relief for both of us. Of course his “parents,” in particular his mother, called twice to see how her baby was doing – he’s a dog, he is doing doggie things, duh!

This morning, early I feel this breath on my face and open my eyes and there is Moose, looking right at me and acting like I know what he needs. Okay, let me think, you usually sleep with them so you want in the bed, right? Nope, that wasn’t it – that would be okay but not what he wants. Oh, you gotta pee and I need to get up and let you out, right? Bingo! However, this isn’t his normal yard, so I need to accompany him and hope like hell he doesn’t run off.

A ten second mental debate is happening inside my head and it goes something like this: its 6:30 and this dog has to pee and you’re worried about your hair? Are you friggin nuts? Get your fat ass out of this bed, let this dog out or your gonna be cleaning up dog piss! Like I said, ten seconds and I was up and Moose and I were outside. He was watering the yard and I was just standing there looking beautiful in my bed hair do, Pj’s and garden clogs. Yup it was a lovely sight and if nothing else it gave the paper guy(s) something to talk about as they delivered the rest of the Sunday papers.

All in all, canine watching is way over rated, it’s not that difficult but that’s because Moose has been so well trained that watching him is nothing. Actually its more a case of him watching Grandma! Together we watch TV, he doesn’t seem overly willing to sit and have me read to him so TV works for us.

And now to make the day complete some Fortune cookie sayings: (hey, pick the one you like)

True happiness makes us wise.

Look in the mirror without admiring your reflection.

Be at peace with yourself

The Stranger

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small rural town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on. As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche.

My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future!

He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind. Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.


My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing. I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name?.... . . .





We just call him 'TV.' (Note: This should be required reading for every household!)

He has a wife now....We call her 'Computer.'

What Love means to 4-8 year olds.

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes. A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?' The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think.


'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' Rebecca- age 8

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.' Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.' Danny - age 7

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss' Emily - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.' Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,' Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.' Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.' Cindy - age 8

'My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' Clare - age 6

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.' Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.' Chris - age 7

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.' Mary Ann - age 4

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.' Lauren - age 4

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image) Karen - age 7

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.' Mark - age 6

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.' Jessica - age 8

And the final one The winner was a four-year-old child whose next-door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need. Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent you this.



Heavenly Father, please bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! And may their life be full of Your peace, prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with You. Amen.



Then send it on to other people. Within hours you will have caused a multitude of people to pray for other people. Then sit back and watch the power of God work in your life.

Say What......????

Have you ever found yourself reading some magazine as you wait for something to happen, be it an oil change, teeth cleaning, blood work, etc.? Sometimes these magazines are so different from anything you’d buy that you are just kind of stuck reading them or watching the wall or other people who are usually watch you.

Oh I found some cute ones the other day – it was an All Poster magazine and man, did they have some crazy ideas and Classic Signs -- here are a few of my faves:

• Laundry Room, Push button for service, if no one answers, do it yourself!


• There will be a $5.00 Charge for Whining.


• My house was clean last week --- sorry you missed it!


• Sarcasm – just one of the many services we provide.


• I love cooking with wine ----sometimes I even put it in the food.


• Finish your beer – there’s sober kids in India

After I got through these, the next few pages were devoted to Motivational Humor Posters and again, these are wonderful, I’ll attempt to describe the photo and then, the caption beneath for your reading pleasure:

• Four pencils all in a row, 3 showing the sharpen points, one the eraser, the caption: Don’t be afraid to be different.


• Visualize, rear end of an elephant walking away with the title “Success” underneath and the caption: Find the biggest ass and Kiss it.


• Visualize man holding beer glass and under photo the word Appreciation and the caption: A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

So the next time you find yourself waiting in some office or business, instead of taking your own book, thumb through the ones they have and see if you can’t find something interesting or at the very least entertaining! Or if you prefer, sit there and look at other people who are looking at you and trying not to get caught looking! (ya, like you haven't seen or done this yourself - get real!)

Ya it’s a slow week – spending way too much time on appointments and reading waiting room magazines!!! So I leave you with this little ditty: Son of a Buick of a black Packard, I’m gonna kick you in the Nash and knock the shift outta ya! Amazing not ONE cuss word in that ditty, ya, isn't that something?

One day, when the mood hits, I shall reveal my views on public cussing and how the "F" word is way over used and has absolutely no meaning whatsoever! Don't think so, it's not even in the dictionary, so how great can it be?

Now for you garden experts, what in hell are these things that are growing in my flower bed? Looks like a bee hive but no bees -- ugly looking stuff and should I dig it up and toss it or what?

Memories and Nonsense

Thoughts to Live By

Naps come quicker when your middles thicker.
Persistence prevails when the prune juice fails.
Sex smarts when you’re stiff in the wrong parts.

Okay here’s your memory test – ready?

Life before remotes – remember when we had to actually get up and change channels.
Remember when sex education and birth control were taught in the fillin’ station men’s room (of course I never heard this stuff).
Remember when “Grass” was something you mowed!
Remember a time when “Gay” meant Happy?

Ya, we all remember some of this stuff or have heard our grandparents remark about it, right? Now let’s try this one – “The Golden Years.” Supposedly these are the years after you retire and have all this supposedly leisurely time to pursuit certain pleasures. That is if your body allows such pleasures. My question is what where the years prior called – The Silver Years or The Bronze Years? And you thought I was gonna say the Golden Years suck, didn’t ya!

Some people definitely feel this way about the so called Golden Years because once they slowed down and listen to bodies who had been demanding attention for years, they discovered all sorts of ailments that need addressing and no more delays will be permitted – and you thought you controlled your body – forget it – it controls you! It’s amazing that just a few years ago we were doing all sorts of stuff and now the legs and knees ache, hips need replacement, bowels demand fiber, eyes need stronger lenses, we walk a bit slower, our hearing requires sounds a bit louder and we find naps very pleasing and restful.

So as we wrap up another week, which sees Sunday with rain and humidity to suck the energy right out of you, we all can sit back and wait for the celebrity baby photos. I suspect the family albums in these families are copies of magazines vs. personal photos of kids that you and I take. Damn we are common, aren’t we?

Never Miss a good chance to shut up

80-year-old Vegas stripper still does it! Strip that is -- "classy Girl with the Fabulous Front" still taking it all off — very slowly. See there is still time to continue the work you loved! Can you dig this? Oh go ahead and laugh but ya gotta give this gal some high fives – she’s still doing her thing and not ready to hang up her “G” string! And people don't like old people, are they stupid or what?

This reminded me of a story my son sent. Seems this man was driving past the local nursing home and notice some elderly women laying naked on the front yard. He didn’t think too much of it and figured the folks inside would come get them soon enough. On his way back into town the same sight was seen and he decided to stop and ask what was going on.

“Oh, their retired prostitutes, “ the nurse said, “They’re having a yard sale!”

OR THIS ONE

FLOWERS FOR THE REDHEAD Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers. The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boy friend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........ "Don't you have a vase?"

Say WHEN

You know some news items are just too damn strange to be real but real they are – for example:

HAMMOND, Ind. — An armed robber held up a Hammond gas station and tried holding up a bar Sunday with a unique tool.
Court records allege that James P, 39, used a cheese grater during his crimes. Police said one of the would-be victims realized it wasn’t a gun and threw him out of the bar.

OR THIS ONE

FLINT, Mich. — Flint police will begin arresting people who wear sagging pants.
Police Chief David Dicks said in a memo that anyone wearing pants or shorts that exposed their buttocks could be arrested for indecent exposure.
Dicks said the immoral “self-expression” went beyond free speech, rising to the crime of indecent exposure. Those who wear sagging pants will be fined and could spend a year in jail.
The American Civil Liberties Union said it was reviewing whether the new law racially targeted certain people.

I rather like the sagging pants arrest but you can count on the infamous ACLU to come up with some nonsense that prohibits such arrests and like other states, Michigan shall endure this style of dressing along with the rest of us. Personally I don’t understand why young men find this attractive or even comfortable. I remember when some “folks” thought a two piece bath suit was disgusting and shorts – Capri pants were okay but shorts – oh no, that was blasphemy and we were headed straight to hell.

Once again we are dealing with wet weather and I just had my driveway sealed – two days before we should drive on it and that’s to insure it’s dry – hummmm, does rain add days to the drying process?

&&&&&&&&

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied," and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus.


Be healthy and active, go fishing

Rain Drops Keeping Falling on My ---

So the rain has cooled things off and now everyone wants it to stop and sunny skies again, right? Damn we are a flicked lot. All I know is the rain saved me from watering my mini-garden and HUGE yard. Ya, works for me.

However even I dislike missing my morning walk and although walking in the rain can be pleasant, it’s not something I wish to do today. I like my morning walk but when it rains, well, forget it. I am hoping it clears up and I can still do this walk – but hey, if noon gets here first, forget it!

I’m still getting emails from some clown in a country I never heard of that tells me I just won millions of dollars in their country’s lottery. In order to collect I need to open a bank account and they need some money from me to do this – ya, like that is gonna happen. Where in hell do these clowns come from?

Also, in the junk email is this constant “colon cleanser” treatment. Do they know something I don’t know? How do these folks know anything about my colon? Then I have different uses for toothpaste – ya, now you can use it to get rid of zits. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit--– toothpaste for zits! Oh my other emails are mostly recipes, this constant nag to buy this digital photographer’s guide, and ways to restore my financial future (did I lose it, finance and or future???)

As you have been loyal readers a bit of Zen Sarcasm:

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his or her shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know him or her.

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Now, don’t you feel better – made ya smile, right? Have a good one and maybe the rain shall go away and we all can get outside and play!

Who Wanted it Warm?

Okay, who in hell ask for this much heat? Come on, 90 degrees is a tad too much even for the warm weather seekers! Holy Martha -- this is brutal.



I actually feel sorry for those who cannot escape this and are doing their level best to find a shade tree and hoping for a breeze. Or the fans that are merely pushing hot air around and fooling one into thinking this is cool -- not gonna happen folks.



Hey, I bet the Norwood Beach was busy today and folks found the water refreshing, right? The best part is all day long we kept hearing we might get thunderstorms and rain, well, that hasn't happened and yet, that warning remains in effect and now, supposedly it'll rain tonight. Damn, isn't that interesting!

Well, I'm gonna crawl out of my air conditioned house and walk around outside, just to test the air quality -- oh hell, I just need to move my fat arse, sitting too much is not good for anyone.

Stay cool, wait, have a cool drink. Ya, that sounds much better.

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE --

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They 're retired prostitutes, & they're having a yard sale.

NICE WEEKEND & FISHING TOO

I sincerely hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend and that you did get to witness one of the many village parades! The parade in Norwood was truly wonderful and man, what a turn out – thousands of people were more than willing to sit, stand, stroll and visit as we all waited for the parade to start and then, cheered, clapped and showed respect to our Flag when various “units” passed by. Yeah, you all have read about this but it is worth repeating, it was a great parade!

I’m thinking the 4th of July is like a Thanksgiving pig out – man, we fix a lot of food and we consume a lot of food too. The big difference is, we use grills for cooking, which makes clean up bloody damn easy! And of course you can’t consume food and have family and friends around and not have refreshing drinks available too. The good thing is people stay put once they start to drink or have a designated driver, which makes this a very responsible act – hurrah!

Saturday was our day to go fishing. Headed over to Waddington and drove past the beach and then, looked for a spot to set up and settled in for a fishing adventure. But first we decided to drive to the top of the hill, look around and see if we couldn’t find a better fishing spot. While on this drive someone in the car noticed a road or path, I prefer to think this was nothing more than a damn goat path, filled with wildflowers, two tire tracks and didn't look all that great a road in my simple mind. However, come hell or high water, the passengers were determined we'd check out this damn cow path. Holy shit!

The further I drove the worse it got – now keep in mind I was driving slowly, not sure what was in front of me, hidden in the grass or even if my jeep would clear some hidden boulder. And at times I could see standing water and mud. The passengers (names withheld to protect their identities) just keep encouraging me to keep driving, stop being a wimp and damn woman, you got a jeep, drive like a real jeep owner! When I first bought this jeep (ten years ago) I was much braver and willing to test the infamous "we drive thru mud" claim. As I got older, I seemingly lost my nerve!

I gotta admit I was getting a tad nervous – if we get stuck here, how in hell do we get help – there probably isn’t even a damn phone signal in this tall grass path? However I was constantly cheered on to keep going, maybe we’d find a nice spot and stop worrying, this is gonna be fine. Well after a few minutes my common sense kicked in and I said, “enuff, I’m turning around and going back, this is not a road, it’s a damn goat path and I don’t care to get stuck back here.” Needless to say the passengers were roaring with laughter and all ready claiming this the best part of the fishing trip and we hadn’t dropped one line in any water yet!

We finally find a spot and begin sitting up, I think I had my line in the water and had my first bite when this black SUV pulls up and this man gets out. I mean, we all thought this was "the law" and wanted to see our fishing licenses (which we had) but no, this guy informs us;"spotted some catnip here and need to pull some." He collects this item and says, "how's the fishing?" Damn, we just got here and we don't need an audience and you ain't scoring any points with us fella, so please move on before we get loud and start screaming! He left, thank goodness -- probably a nice man but it was just flipping weird that he wanted to pick catnip in the spot we were fishing -- weird man, just weird.

Yes we did fish, caught “babies” and tossed them back. We spent more time picking up other people's trash and pissed that some just have no common decency and just toss things away and think the place will be nice the next time they stop by -- well it is, because people like us pick it up. And before we do this act, "items" have attracted flies, insects and a smell that nearly sees your eyes watering and your gut ready to heave. After a bit, someone said, this place smells too much, let's leave and then we'll set up the grill and cook our hot dogs!

“Hey, let’s go to Wilson Hill,” someone said and we packed everything up and took off. I could not remember how to get to Wilson Hill from Waddington Beach and should have turned left, heading back toward Massena but went across Route 37 and eventually ended up in Madrid…ya, don’t even go there – I took enough flack for this stupidity,[Now I know, if I had turned left and headed toward Massena I would have ended up at Wilson Hill and been a hero -- and yes damnit, women can be a hero - not on this day but we can be heroes]

So we came home and fired up the BIG grill and cooked our hot dogs [the ones we planned to cook at the river on this portable gas grill] and claimed them the best ever. And we have this lovely fish story to tell people -- what a hoot!

I’m O.C.D. – old, cranky and demented.

A FEW QUICKIES

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, andvalues. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married,Did you?'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother,'cause I still have mine.'
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Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorceCourt Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,''That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.''Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.1. The DNA all matches.2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City? 'The agent replies, 'Just a minute.''Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.'How was he killed?' asked one detective.'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?!What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.
'Joe: 'Really?
'Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.'What did he say,' asked the nurse.'OOPS'
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought myhusband's advice.'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?''Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one

And now that you've had your laugh or at the very least a smile, get back to work!