Curling

Okay, don't know much about this sport, eh? Neither did I, so I did a little research and, hell yes, I'm gonna share the info with you...ready?

The sport of curling dates back to the early 1500s in Scotland and was reportedly brought to North America by British troops in the 1700s during the Revolutionary War.

Curling made its Olympic debut at the Winter Olympic Games in 1924. It came back in the 1932 Lake Placid Games as a demonstration sport, but then went on a 56-year Olympic hiatus, returning again as a demonstration sport at the 1988 and 1992 Games. Since the 1998 Nagano Games, curling has been contested as an official medal sport for both men and women .

As far as the actual game goes, think shuffleboard on ice combined with the strategy of a game of bowls or bocce.

Each match is made up of ends, or periods, where two teams of four players each take turns sliding 42-pound polished granite stones down a sheet of ice towards a bullseye made up of four concentric circles. This bullseye, which is 12 ft in diameter, is known as the "house" and its center the "tee." The tee is located 126 ft from where the shooter starts.
When the stone is released by the shooter, it is done with a special technique that involves a twist of the wrist. Like a bowling ball hooks (or curves) down an alley, so too does the stone as it glides down the ice. This curve is known as the "curl."

As the stone curls towards its intended target (perhaps the tee, or perhaps an opponent's stone that is in the way) the other three team members sweep the ice with brooms, causing the stone to speed up or change directions. The "skip" is the captain of the team and usually shouts out sweeping instructions.

Each team member shoots twice, so there are 16 shots in each end. A team scores points when its stones are closest to the tee after all 16 shots. Each match consists of 10 ends.
In 2006, the Canadian men and Sweden's women were gold medalists. The World Curling Federation's 2008-2009 rankings show Canada in the top spot for both men and women, with the U.S. coming in at number 4 for men, and number 6 for women.

After Salt Lake City, curling showed a surge in popularity both in the U.S. and abroad. In the U.S. new clubs formed in places as unlikely as Texas, Arizona, and Tennessee. The U.S. Curling Association membership grew by about 15%.

A sure sign of success, the sport has its ownrisqué calendar sponsored by the European Curling Federation. 2010's Fire on Ice" features 26 women curlers posing in the buff or scantily clad.

Thar, now you know all about this sport and lemme tell ya, thinking of curling as shuffleboard on ice helped me a great deal!

Yes, it is Ash Wednesday and many will make "lent" wishes that will last maybe until tomorrow or in some cases, until Easter which is what is suppose to happen. However, you don't have to "give up" something, you could "do something," for the next 40 days too you know.

As for me, I'm gonna try to limit my sweet tooth -- I can have sweets only once a day -- either at lunch or dinner, but not both and sweets includes those approved by the Weight Watcher program. I'm a gal who likes her dessert so this is gonna be a tad challenging. However, nothing says I can't have a piece of fruit, right?

Snowing as I write this, supposedly we'll see 2 to 3 inches -- nothing to write home about, at least not yet. Have a grand day and for crying out loud, keep smiling!!!

Noradakota

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow. And hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts.

Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.. Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'

This N That

I really don't have much to write about but no matter what I somehow manage to find interesting crap...well, crap at least.

Elevators Can Bring Injury to Seniors

MONDAY, Feb. 15 (HealthDay News) -- Over 2,600 senior citizens suffer serious elevator-related injuries each year in the United States, and three-quarters of them are women, according to the results of the first large-scale study of these events.
Slips, trips and falls accounted for more than half of the injuries, and about one-third were caused by elevator doors closing on a person. The third most common cause of injuries were those related to the wedging of walkers in elevator door openings, the researchers reported in the January issue of the Journal of Trauma Injury, Infection and Critical Care.

8 Foods That Get You Going in the Morning [I personally thought it was my bladder]

What you eat can help you be more alert.

1. A spoonful of sweetness
2. A whole-wheat bagel
3. Lox on that bagel [really into this bagel stuff, eh?]
4. Spicy V8
5. Soy
6. Ice water
7. Coffee
8. If all else fails Place a tin of ginger-flavored Altoids, a few Red Hots, or a packet of Listerine strips beside your alarm clock. When the buzzer goes off, pop one or two of them into your mouth before hitting the snooze button. It’s virtually impossible to sleep with that "curiously strong" taste waking up your mouth.

Ya, who in hell writes this stuff, or better yet, comes up with it? Makes ya wonder, doesn't it?

I know this sounds strange but for some reason the "birds" just were not coming by my feeders and this was frustrating me. I mean, come on, I buy them the good stuff and the little shits don't show up? How rude. So over the weekend, I hauled a branch up, tied it to the deck and now, the little suckers have returned. They needed a branch -- fussy little shits. However, I do like watching them and capturing them on film. What the hell, its a hobby that is entertaining as hell.

Another Priceless Moment

He's My Brother

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day......picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly....... but they aren't for me....they're for him. He's my brother......

He's four..... We saw on TV ,that if you use these ,you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

Right now, he can't do either."

&&^&%&*

Ya, ya, Happy Valentine's Day -- happy now? For some reason I have this idea that if a man bought chocolates he's in deep shit because half the women on the planet (or in the US at least) are dieting and chocolate isn't on the "lose weight list!" Then, again, nobody is making anyone eat these suckers and the man, knowing she shouldn't and most likely won't, have the entire box for himself -- way to go guys!!

Last night was "date night," dinner and a movie. Okay, you can call it an early Valentine Gift if you must. Anyway, dinner at Pizza Hut was good and then, off to the movies. Finally we went to see Avatar and gotta tell ya, it was good. A tad long but nobody and I mean, nobody got up during it to use restroom or get more food. Once this sucker started, it had our attention and kept it.

Sunday is a day of rest and it looks like snow shall come down off and on all day, which is okay as long as the temps don't drop to far, because then we'll get ice and nobody wants ice, right? And I intend to watch as much of the Olympics as my eyeballs can stand (meaning, there will be some naps for damn sure). Hope all of you have a good day too.

There is a fine line between genius and insanity.

How to Save Our Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants.

No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin.

And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.

I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.

'Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,Bill Clinton

Don't You Dare Laugh

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh .......

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure."I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room

Just wondering

Ya, tell me you ain't thinking the same thing?

Where the hell is Spring?

Church Bulletins

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale... It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Life, Education and Everything In-between

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school.

He talks about how feel-good,politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you agree, pass it on.

If you can read this - Thank a teacher!

If you can read this in English - Thank a soldier!!!

HOW IS NORMA?

HOW IS NORMA? .......... This is hilarious !!

A sweet grandmother telephones St. Joseph 'sHospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear.What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,0K "Norma Findlay , Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone andsaid, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her bloodwork just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me squat."

Ice Train

Okay, I do not know the whole story behind this Ice Train, other than it was made by a guy in Norwood and it is ALL ice.



According to unnamed sources, once made, he painted the train and it looked fabulous but when the fire department hosed it down to insure it stayed solid, the paint ran and now we have this black train.



Whatever folks it is amazing. Wanna see it? Go to Mechanic Street, in Norwood....it truly is worth a stop...enjoy my photos -- wish it had been a sunny day but hey, overcast and that's the photos one gets, sorry.

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4... I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8... Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. ..

9..I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10..... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16... Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18.. Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20... A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21... A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Super Bowl Sunday

Hell yes, I will be watching the game and pigging out like everyone else.

Come on, most of you don't give a rip about the actual game and are more interested in the commericals, and I don't blame ya. I hope they are better than last year's because those were nothing to write home about.

As for the half-time entertainment, damn, I don't think I have even checked to see who is doing what -- most likely, half time will see me fixing another plate full of food, getting up and moving around and insuring all body parts still work...I mean, you can only sit for so long before the bones lock up, right?

Lemme tell ya, the first week of RBS (retirement baby-sitting) - was wonderful. I am not a huge fan of spit ups and we had to figure out (1) how much this boy actually drinks at one feeding - remember he is breast fed and (2) he has to burp because he can suck down a bottle in quick order. So we are learning. Plus he is starting to really look around, move and recognize things now and this is fun. Hells bells, if he starts crawling on my watch, I'll pretend it did not happen so his parents can be the "first" to see this...yes, he is 3 months and he is not crawling at the moment.

Well, time to do something, sat at the computer almost an hour, checking emails, chatting on facebook and being silly, so time to get up and move.



Have fun....keep smiling...10 degrees, breezer but hey, no snow...think DC -- about time they got the white stuff, eh? Sorry, just had to say it.


No I did not take this photo, wish I had but then, I would of had to have been there, no thanks. Amazing shot tho.

GOOD IDEA ... ONE LIGHTBULB AT A TIME

A physics teacher in high school, once told the students that while one grasshopper on the railroad tracks wouldn’t slow a train very much, a billion of them would.

With that thought in mind, read the following, obviously written by a good American.. Check this out. I can verify this because I was in Lowe's the other day for some reason and just for the heck of it I was looking at the hose attachments. They were all made in China. The next day I was in Ace Hardware and just for the heck of it I checked the hose attachments there. They were made in USA. Start looking!

In our current economic situation, every little thing we buy or do affects someone else - even their job. So, after reading this email, I think this lady is on the right track. Let's get behind her!

My grandson likes Hershey's candy. I noticed, though, that it is marked made in Mexico now. I do not buy it any more.

My favorite toothpaste Colgate is made in Mexico ... now I have switched to Crest.

You have to read the labels on everything! This past weekend I was at Kroger. I needed 60 W light bulbs and Bounce dryer sheets. I was in the light bulb aisle, and right next to the GE brand I normally buy was an off-brand labeled, "Everyday Value." I picked up both types of bulbs and compared the stats - they were the same except for the price..

The GE bulbs were more money than the Everyday Value brand but the thing that surprised me the most was the fact that GE was made in MEXICO and the Everyday Value brand was made in - get ready for this - the USA in a company in Cleveland , Ohio . So throw out the myth that you cannot find products you use every day that are made right here.

So on to another aisle - Bounce Dryer Sheets....yep, you guessed it, Bounce cost more money and is made in Canada. The Everyday Value brand was less money and MADE IN THE USA! I did laundry yesterday and the dryer sheets performed just like the Bounce Free I have been using for years and at almost half the price!

My challenge to you is to start reading the labels when you shop for everyday things and see what you can find that is made in the USA – the job you save may be your own or your neighbors! If you accept the challenge, pass this on to others in your address book so we can all start buying American, one light bulb at a time! Stop buying from overseas companies!

(We should have awakened a decade ago)

Let's get with the program ... help our fellow Americans keep their jobs and create more jobs here in the USA.

I Passed this on ... Please do the same!

Great News

Our son is now in remission! He still has some spleen issues but the drugs being used stay in the system and keep working for many months and he'll be checked again in May. It doesn't matter, his CT and PET scans all show remission and that's good enough for me!


Congrats Bubba, way to go...Love ya

Out of the Mouths of Babes

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !”

Positive Thoughts

Big week this week. Our son heads back to the Mayo Clinic today so they can run test to find out if the trial drugs worked on his f cancer and he sees the cardiologist who repaired his valve. So good news SHOULD be coming our way soon. Positive vibes to Bubba!!!! Travel safe today.

Today is the second day of my babysitting my grandson. I have decided that as soon as WE are on the same schedule, all will be fine. He is a breast fed baby, so getting use to the bottle takes a bit of time and Grandma insists we stop after each ounce for a burp and he's not happy about that either. But Grandma isn't happy with the mad spit ups, so who shall win? Put your money on Grandma folks!

All in all this is great fun. We have never had a grandchild this close and I gotta tell ya, its a hoot. He is so damn cute and at current time, 3 months, he is just starting to really look around, grab at things and stay awake longer. He can be a pistol and I love it. I think this weekend Grandma's gonna need to head to store and find some toys or something to occupy his active little mind and body. His Mama said she'd bring over books and I can read to him...excuse me, at 3 months how long will he sit still for that?

So, he is due any second, cranked up the heat, so its warm in here and once he is fed, burped and napping I can fire up the Wii and do my workout -- oh life, is so much fun...Keep smiling.

Thought for the day: "If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?" - Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Finkelstein and Jesus

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor.So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!He asked how much he owed.

Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God there's no charge!However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business!Would you consider a partnership?""Certainly," replied Jesus."Jesus & Finkelstein it is.""Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein."Finkelstein & Jesus.After all, I am the craftsman."The two of them debated this for some time.Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

Forgetter Be Forgotten?

My forgetter's getting better,

But my rememberer is broke

To you that may seem funny

But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering

If I really should be 'there'

And, when I try to think it through,I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,

Say 'what am I here for?'I wrack my brain, but all in vain!

A zero, is my score.At times I put something awayWhere it is safe, but, Gee!

The person it is safest from

Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,

Say 'Hi' and have a chat,

Then, when the person walks away

I ask myself, 'who was that'?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better

While my rememberer is broke,

And it's driving me plumb crazy

And that isn't any joke.

CAN YOU RELATE???

Comments Made in 1957

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $5000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

Joke of the Day

Then there was the story of two old men sitting on a bench in front of a retirement community.

One turned to the other and said, "George, I'm 87 and I ache all over with severe pain. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?"

His friend replied," I feel like a new born baby!"

"Really?" said the first.

Oh yes, I have no hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."

&&&&&

Yes, friends it is colder than a polar bear's ass out there but the sun is shining and no, I do not play with polar bears --ye gads. However, after I get breakfast and run a few errands, perhaps I'll strap on the snowshoes and do a little snowshoeing today. However, I will wear a scarf around my face today -- that wind chill value is supposedly -26 degrees...yikes.

Don't Reuse Bacon Grease

I NEVER REALIZED THE DANGER OF REUSING BACON GREASE......
UNTIL NOW.

HOPE I AM NOT TOO LATE IN GETTING THIS INFO TO SOME OF YOU !!

We were raised on bacon grease as kids and even into adulthood. I will never use it again.

I just threw out my last 2 lbs of bacon grease!!

I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on.

It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.

This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease.

It could happen to you...

This is a warning, send this to everyone you care about.

Yup, More Snow

Good Morning,

Went to bed knowing the snow was coming and thinking, "there goes the bare ground," and by golly I was right. Now we got us a nice new covering of white.

Hey, one cannot ski, go sledding or even snowshoe without the white stuff, so come on down. I know, I know, you are sick of this stuff. Excuse me, we aren't even done with January and we still got at least two months of winter left, so get over yourself. As long as it's snow and not ice, this is great. Even I dislike icy roads, I never remember what in hell I'm supposed to do if the car starts to slide...I usually just yell shit! Ya, like you all remember, turn into the slide and you'll correct the slide..bullshit---you are sliding there is no turning!

Well I finally finished reading Andre Agassi's "Open," insight into his life, a very personal account and its very honest, real and direct. He got a lot of flack when he reveal parts of his book to the public, his one use of meth, his lie about using this stuff, and yet, read the book and you gain a different viewpoint on what on the surface seems like a fake life and poor sportsmanship.[sorry, others lied for years before coming clean and we rake them over the coals for lying, at least he is being honest]-- It was one time and yes, even he admits he lied but somehow he overcame that lie and moved on... look at what he accomplished in a sport he claims, repeatedly he hated, and the work his academy is doing in Vegas. Anway, it was a great story and I still remain a fan.

Now I begin the Sarah Palin book, "Going Rogue." Only read one chapter and so far so good. I am not making political statements here, I just happen to think she is down to earth and at times, I get sick of all the BS and find her "you betcha, and hockey Mom" remarks damn refreshing and real.

So, I have screwed off sufficient to know it is time to fire up the Wii and move my ass. By the way, I got the Wii Fit Plus workout and it's rather fun. At first I wasn't overly impressed but now I am getting the hang of it...what is nice is that you don't even realize you are burning calories because you are having so much fun. So far my so called bike riding skills suck big time, that ride never ends, I am riding forever and ever...ye gads.

Have a great day okay? Oh, if you ate pasta and anti pasta, are you still hungry?

The Devil Made Me Do It

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.

You got to love this Police Officer!

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!" Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir?

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"

Learning

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy..........

A Good Lesson

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the redlight by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming infrustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and lookedup into the face of a very serious police officer.The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened thedoor. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officerwas waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do'bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally.....I assumed you had stolen the car..''

11-Year Old

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard , the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.

Home Made Chili

WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate..

Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem..'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes.

I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Think About It?

A lady walks into Tiffany’s. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t popup right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like Tiffany’s, and greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?’

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

He answers, ‘Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit when I tell you the price!

HOME REMEDIES...That Really Work!

It took me years to perfect this group of remedies and now I will share them with those of you that I know need help! Pay VERY close attention!!!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK OR THE SHOWER.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE…

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, GET A BIGGER HAMMER. IF YOU STILL HAVE TROUBLE, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Old Timer Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.

'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me

Why my house is such a mess.

He asked if I'd been 'computering',

And I had to answer 'yes.'

He told me to get off my fanny

And tidy up the house.

And so I started cleaning up...

The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.

That really did the trick..

I was just admiring my work.

I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found

A real absorbing site.

That I got SO way into it.

I was into it all night.

Nothing's changed except my mouse

It's very, very shiny.

I guess my house will stay a mess...

While I sit here on my hiney.

Ya, go ahead tell me you can't relate to this...didn't think so....LOL

Snow Plow

One winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car... A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

&&&&&

I haven't looked outside (I have but its dark so I can't see much) but the temp is 25 degrees and hubby just informed me; "its slick out there." Meaning, slippery and to be careful. Eventually I shall don snowshoes and trek around the yard and if I feel really ambitious, I can do a loop or two around the field across the street. My other plans including running the vacuum, that's always fun and who knows I may even dust. Then, if the roads are good,well, Wally World just ain't the same if I let too many days pass without a visit --ya, I do have a few things I need to pick up but nothing that I cannot live without.

So all of you, keep smiling and remember, "you're above ground so stop whining!"

Post Office Job Interview

A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer ask him are you alleregic to anything?

He replied, "Yes - caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes,' he replied. 'I did two combat tours in Viet nam . "

The interviewer said, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asked, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy said, "Yes...a MINE exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaced and then said, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan to start at 10:00 A.M.. every day.."

The guy was puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P..M., why do you want me to be here at 10:00 A.M.? why not at 8:00am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer said. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Dust if You Must

LADIES!!! Remember...a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.

'A house becomes a home when you can write 'I love you' on the furniture.' I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect - 'in case someone came over' Finally I realized one day that no-one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!

NOW, when people visit, I don't have to explain the ‘condition’ of my home
They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away.

LADIES!!! Remember...a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.

If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.

Life is short.

Enjoy it!

Dust if you must .......but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake cookies or a cake and lick the spoon or plant a seed, ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time . . with wine to drink, rivers to swim and mountains to climb music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, and a shower of rain. This day will not come around, again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not kind. . . And when you go - and go you must - you, yourself will make more dust!

It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.

Maxine on Winter

Sometimes it’s just necessary to sit back and read someone else’s take on winter and in the process, surprisingly, you sense they were inside your head and ask; “how the hell did they know that?” So here are a few thoughts from Maxine on winter:

• I’m so cold my boobs are chattering


• You know it’s a cold day when your teeth start chattering and they’re still on the night stand.


• It’s not really cold out until the dog’s frozen himself to the fire hydrant.


• I was caught without earmuffs during a sudden cold snap but managed to improvise with an old padded bra.


• I envy the rear-defrost system in my car (I really like this one).


• My idea of a triple is pullin three muscles at once!


• I’d shovel my walk except for one reason. Visitors might come.


• I don’t really wanna know what that is frozen into guy’s mustaches this time of year.

Here’s a helpful winter tip: if you leave a tortilla out for a week, you’ve got yourself a handy little ice scraper.

Now if you can stand it, here’s my calendar’s quote for January – “When we become wise our lives are lived from our hearts.” Ya, I’m puking, how about you? Guess that means we ain’t so wise, eh?

Shirley & Marcy

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy 's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, ' Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?

'Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.

'The little girl said, ' Well, who is she? '

'That's just Shirley Goodnest, ' Timmy replied, ' and her daughter Marcy.

''Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? '

'Well, ' Timmy explained, ' every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, ' cuz she worries about me so much.And in the Psalm, it says, ' Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life, so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!

'The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace.

May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.

I know you're smiling!

Sunday

Yup, another week done...amazing. Been a cold week too. I do not understand why the birds don't care to partake of the seeds I set out...damn squirrels have no problems breaking thru the ice to get a snack.

As for me, the snow has made snowshoeing a pleasure and challenge. The other day, I was in the woods, trekking along like this was my job and wham, down I went. Didn't get hurt, fluffy snow but missed some log and tripped. Then, using the trekking poles attempt to use them to help myself up. Well, shit, one decided to shrink so that was a big help! LOL

I'm learning and enjoying my iPhone..damn, this thing does everything, well, sorry I still haven't figure out how to make it spit out money but I can check lots of stuff and even "voice command"searches via typing in all this crap -- its amazing. Hey, these suckers will replace laptops real soon..who in hell needs a laptop when this sucker does it all and is much smaller?

Well, I know its a play off Sunday and I will watch football but first, off to lunch with my dau and then, we'll hit a few stores -- got one item to return to Wally World -- hate returning crap but hey, it don't work, so return it, right?

Ya'all have a good day and if possible, get outside, suck in that fresh air and beat those germs outta your system...keep smiling...

Ever Wonder?

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase 'You Gotta Be Shittin' Me''?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into theDelaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the Forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

Losing Pounds

I sit here and giggle, oh hell, I burst out in a rolling laughter. We are done with the holiday season and even before it ended we were advised how to avoid over eating and adding those extra pounds. Like any of us listened to that crap. All those goodies, are you kidding me? Once a year and we pigged out…damnit, it was made with love and for us, how rude would it be not to eat this stuff?

Now we are again being blasted to drop those pounds. Let me ask you something, if you drop something, don’t you have a natural tendency to bend over and pick it up? So don’t tell me to drop pounds because that means, eventually I’m gonna bend over and pick them up again, right?

How about “losing” these pounds? Doesn’t that make more sense? We all know if we lost something, it will be found the last place we look, right, so if we don’t look for these freakin pounds, they’ll stay lost, right? I mean, how simple is this??? Brilliant, eh? But wait; now we got some blind clothing expert telling us how to dress ten pounds thinner…are you for real?

• "Lose” five pounds by matching your pants or skirt, stockings and shoes. You’ll seem 10 pounds lighter if they’re all black! Is the one-color thing too tame for your taste? Slip on a pair of bright shoes to shake things up.
• Remember the number one secret of slim dressing: proportion. Full, round shapes on top and bottom will make you look…full and round. So always accentuate your smallest part by pairing your more generously cut pieces with a snugger mate. Balance a wide leg pants with a fitted shirt, a miniskirt with a longer top, etc.

Now, don’t ya love all those so called “famous” clowns telling us to try this program and that program, they even have before and after photographs (hey, I can manipulate a photo to make you look skinny as a twig too). Some of these claim the food (meals) will be shipped directly to your door (notice nobody has said how much these cost) and they are –ready for this – freshly frozen BUT you get to add fresh grocery items----excuse me, didn’t I just pay for a complete freakin meal?

Huh, you think I have some magic solution to all this losing stuff? Get a life people, I am right there with you, trying to lose these pounds and find that body I had when I was in my twenties, hell, I’ll even go for my 30’s or 40’s – by 50 – stuff was shifting south at an alarming rate.

Go ahead, listen to all these claims, try all the diet fads, and get pissed when none work. What you need to do is clear your mind and your thinking. First, you ain’t gonna be skinny! Got it, you ain’t gonna be skinny. Second, start walking, you want to remain mobile and walking is free – walk around your house, outside, park further from the front door of a store but WALK. Third, instead of a bag a chips, how about an apple, grapes, an orange, hell, even some celery or carrots, hey,nuts are good for ya too. Fourth, fool your eyes, use a smaller plate – hell, you won’t be tempted to put so much on it – it’s smaller, remember! And Fifth, stop obsessing about this shit, relax, enjoy life, just don’t be a hog at the dinner table and sneaking food after everyone has gone to bed ain’t smart either. Drink more water!

There -- that is my rant on pounds…don’t ya love it. Now, keep smiling and don’t get upset with me, you’re the one trying to lose those pounds…here’s some simple ideas on how to accomplish that and it didn’t cost you a red cent!!!

Computer's Down in Heaven

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky Mountains .." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.

"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter.
"He's somewhere over the Rockies , flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in BUFFALO ..

The Grandma Test

I was out walking with my four-year old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and asked her not to do that.

“Why?” My granddaughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied.

At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly. “All grandmas know this stuff; it’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know this stuff or they don’t let you be a Grandma.”

We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. “Oh…I get it!” she beamed. “So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa.”

“Exactly!” I replied with a big smile on my face.

Got Snow?

Yes, it is Sunday and yes, it is still snowing...what else would you like to know?

Hey, don't complain to loudly it was 35 below zero in Warroad, Minnesota yesterday and folks, that be damn cold. Yes, this is where my son and his family live and when the temps hit numbers like this, we all tend to wonder; "why would anyone chose to live there?" However, in all fairness, Warroad is a nice little town and has great programs for young people and hey, they ain't to shabby with adult programs either.

Our son is doing quite nicely, thanks for asking and for your prayers. He will head to the Mayo Clinic January 28th for tests, scans, etc, and then we expect to hear; "you are in complete remission." He'll also see his heart surgeon and see if he can now lift something over 5 pounds and how much more cardio rehab he is facing. All in all, 2010 is gonna be an awesome year and he's doing great! That's "MY boy."

Oh I gotta share this, just to help you realize you are not the only one to do stupid things. Remember my story about the electric can opener, 11+ years of faithful service and how rudely it stopped working? And how we went and bought another that frustrated the hell out of us and it's going in a yard sale this summer? Plus, the hunt was on for a decent electric can opener? Okay, you're all up to speed.

Now here's the stupidity part...ready? The can opener was fine, it was the damn electrical outlet -- it needed to be reset and once that was done, the can opener worked nicely (ya, we rushed to get it out of the recycle bin, scrubbed it up and plugged it in and well, cry me a river, whirled with new life).

Okay, go ahead and laugh, it is funny but it just shows ya, stupidity can and does happen to anyone, ain't that a hoot?

Keep smiling folks, life is good!! Hey, its football Sunday and I got my crock pot full of chili and I'm set for the day...good times.

2009 Gone – Welcome 2010

After 11+ years of faithful service, my electric can opener just up and quit – rude sucker. So, first I had to hunt for one of those hand-cranked openers (this was a search and destroy mission, as I found stuff that should have been destroyed [tossed] years ago). Yes, I finally found one and yes, thank you very much; I did remember how to use it.

Now I needed to buy a new electric opener, right? Hubby more or less wanted the same kind as he spent considerable moments explaining to me how he “attached” this to the cabinet and it was NOT an easy task to accomplish. Guess he was pretty proud of his work and felt a replacement would either hide any flaws or maintain his stature of can opener-installer! Whatever, we began the search for a new electric can opener.

Couldn’t find one exactly like the old one so we settled for one of those fancy ones, you know, just put if on the can, push a button, and it twirls around the can and opens it like freakin magic. Let me tell you, those suckers are a frustration no human should have to undertake! Wait, let me share the instructions:

1. Grasp the back of the can opener (WTH is the back?)
   


2. Flip up the hinge magnet so that it is in position to hold the can lid (like bloody hell)
   


3. Raise the piercing lever up and position can opener so that the rim of the can is firmly against the can guide and under the cutting blade. The base (feet) of the unit will be parallel to the counter (who the shit writes this stuff?)
   


4. Press the piercing lever all the way down to energize (now I got a rabbit?) the can opener and pierce the can. It is not necessary to hold the lever down once cutting begins (notice the once reference). Except for short cans or cans with a small diameter, you can let the can opener rotate freely around the top of the can without holding it (ya, in your dreams).

Okay, none of this works, trust me, those instructions shit the bed big time. I was ready to toss it out the door, my frustration level was extremely high but Hubby called and said, “let me try and if I can’t work it, we’ll throw it out together.”

He spends about ten minutes, twisting, lifting, lining up and eventually he does get it to work but the look on his face was “this sucker should be tossed, and yes, we are buying a different one.”

So, if anyone is looking for a slightly used (one can only) can opener, got one you can have in a heart beat but you will need to sign a release waiver so I am not held responsible for your frustration levels or panic attacks.

That’s how I ended 2009 and I’m gonna welcome 2010 with home fries, eggs and toast and of course, drink of your choice (yes, silly you, beer is now a breakfast drink).

No, no, and furthermore no, resolutions are absolutely crazy and nuts. We won’t keep or do half of them so why bother to make them. Just enjoy life and savor every moment, what more could you possibly want. Have a great 2010 everyone---its gonna be awesome.