The father, surprised, answers,'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
&&&&&&
The other night my granddaughter called me and needed help with a Science Project. "I need to name 22 things that come from plants." Okay, this is easy, if its not meat or fish, it came from a plant. And we began naming things, coconut, green beans, kiwi, potatoes, bananas, etc. Then she said, "that's it Grandma, got enough, thank you. Love you bye."
About twenty minutes later she called me back; "Grandma, a big box came today and there is nothing inside it for me, what is that?" Oh honey, there are two boxes coming and trust me, there are things for you in that box for sure. "But Gramma, there was nothing for me in this box?" Well, I don't think it was my box because I don't think Grandpa sorted things out to exclude you, be patient another box is due Wednesday. She wasn't overly convinced but she accepted the answer, said good bye and hung up. My daughter upon hearing this tale said, "Oh maybe it was my box that arrived and if so, there was nothing in it for her because I had stuff, online, sent directly to her." Great, now I have a better answer. Don't ya love the holiday season!!
Today I get a pedicure and my first ever facial and yes, I am stoked. Now, what does wear to such a performance? Come on, its chilly here, raining so I ain't gonna be wearing crocs and as for my face, well, that just goes with me whenever so I am not too worried!!! Yes, of course, idiot, I will wear clothes, ye gads!!!
I started the job I detest the most, wrapping gifts and I think I have used two roles of scotch tape. In fact, I am seriously thinking duct tape would be good and it comes in various colors too. I really admire those folks who measure out the wrapping paper, very carefully fold edges and end up with this neat looking package and even slap a bow on it to make it even nicer. Hell, I slap a bow on to hide the hole I made while attempting to make the ends cover the entire gift! Come on, a bag, tissue paper and a tag and I'm golden!!!
You know you're getting old when: Your head makes promises your body can't possibly keep.
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