Happy New Year

Since the holidays are fast approaching, and you may be attending festivities where alcohol might be served, I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice bourbon.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident, which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Merry Christmas

MY THANKS TO ALL OF YOU ...As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.


I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE

I can't ever pick up a 10 cent coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

Onions & Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers,'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

&&&&&&

The other night my granddaughter called me and needed help with a Science Project.  "I need to name 22 things that come from plants."  Okay, this is easy, if its not meat or fish, it came from a plant. And we began naming things, coconut, green beans, kiwi, potatoes, bananas, etc. Then she said, "that's it Grandma, got enough, thank you. Love you bye."

About twenty minutes later she called me back; "Grandma, a big box came today and there is nothing inside it for me, what is that?"  Oh honey, there are two boxes coming and trust me, there are things for you in that box for sure. "But Gramma, there was nothing for me in this box?"  Well, I don't think it was my box because I don't think Grandpa sorted things out to exclude you, be patient another box is due Wednesday.  She wasn't overly convinced but she accepted the answer, said good bye and hung up.  My daughter upon hearing this tale said, "Oh maybe it was my box that arrived and if so, there was nothing in it for her because I had stuff, online, sent directly to her."  Great, now I have a better answer. Don't ya love the holiday season!!

Today I get a pedicure and my first ever facial and yes, I am stoked.  Now, what does wear to such a performance?  Come on, its chilly here, raining so I ain't gonna be wearing crocs and as for my face, well, that just goes with me whenever so I am not too worried!!!  Yes, of course, idiot, I will wear clothes, ye gads!!!

I started the job I detest the most, wrapping gifts and I think I have used two roles of scotch tape.  In fact, I am seriously thinking duct tape would be good and it comes in various colors too.  I really admire those folks who measure out the wrapping paper, very carefully fold edges and end up with this neat looking package and even slap a bow on it to make it even nicer.  Hell, I slap a bow on to hide the hole I made while attempting to make the ends cover the entire gift!  Come on, a bag, tissue paper and a tag and I'm golden!!!

You know you're getting old when:  Your head makes promises your body can't possibly keep.

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a Merry Christmas & a great holiday season!!

Santa & Grandma

I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid.

I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: "There is no Santa Claus," she jeered. "Even dummies know that!"

My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her "world-famous" cinnamon buns. I knew they were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.
Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. "No Santa Claus?" she snorted...."Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad!! Now, put on your coat, and let's go."

"Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked. I hadn't even finished my second world-famous cinnamon bun. "Where" turned out to be Kerby's General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle in those days. "Take this money," she said, "and buy something for someone who needs it. I'll wait for you in the car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's.

I was only eight years old. I'd often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping.

For a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten-dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for.

I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church.

I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock's grade-two class. Bobby Decker didn't have a coat. I knew that because he never went out to recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn't have a cough; he didn't have a good coat. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat!
I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that.

"Is this a Christmas present for someone?" the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. "Yes, ma'am," I replied shyly. "It's for Bobby."

The nice lady smiled at me, as I told her about how Bobby really needed a good winter coat. I didn't get any change, but she put the coat in a bag, smiled again, and wished me a Merry Christmas.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat (a little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) in Christmas paper and ribbons and wrote, "To Bobby, From Santa Claus" on it.

Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobby Decker's house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially, one of Santa's helpers.

Grandma parked down the street from Bobby's house, and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge. "All right, Santa Claus," she whispered, "get going."

I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded his door and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma.

Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally it did, and there stood Bobby.

Fifty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker's bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were -- ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.

I still have the Bible, with the coat tag tucked inside: $19.95.

May you always have LOVE to share, HEALTH to spare and FRIENDS that care...
And may you always believe in the magic of Santa Claus!

**********************

An old married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the

remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel

and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.

You already know how to fish"

Happy Thanksgiving

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his behind and let him go!'

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.

May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

************

It is early Wednesday morning, how early -- no daylight yet!  Yet I can see, from street lights, etc, that we got us a "dusting" last night and it's still kinda slushy-rain out there;however the temp is hovering around 35 degrees and slowly climbing.  I just don't want this to get nasty because the Syracuse group won't wanna travel in this crap and I wanna see my sister, niece and nephew.

Really miss the Minnesota family and I mean, miss them.  We rarely have shared Thanksgiving together as it is just to dang far but one of these days, maybe they can trek here and have this holiday with us.

Friday Auntie and I shall watch Clint so Kel and Meg can do that Black Friday madness, us ole gals ain't into that scene.  We'll probably hit two stores with Clint and call it good...come back here and play games and wait for him to take a nap, which may see us doing the same.

My daughter made this made to honor her adopted Aunt and we are wishing her positive thoughts and prayers as she continues to fight brain cancer.





Turkey Day, Shopping, Time Out Chair

Okay, we all have our memories of Thanksgiving, including the wish to one day sit at the big table and no longer be stuck at the kid's table, right? Well, I gotta tell ya, when I finally reached the age when I could be at the big table I was totally irked because (1) the little table got served first, (2) once seated at the big table, it was pretty crowded and you could hardly move and heaven forbid if you had to get out and (3) grown ups have this knack of keeping at least one serving dish constantly moving from person to person, it never ever hits the table.

Sunday we invited out daughter and grandson to join us for lunch and then grocery shopping, and as she needed items too, this was a good plan. Well, enroute to the store the boy fell asleep so we decided Dad and Dau would shop and I would sit in the car with the sleeping boy, when he woke up, we'd go get some lunch or as we intended to hit two grocery stores, he could be awake that outing, right?  Come on two years old, grocery store, shopping cart, what's not to like!!!

Five minutes after they walked into Hannaford's he woke up,so I got him out, locked the car and went looking for the shoppers.  Oh shit, Grandpa had left the keys in the ignition and now we were locked out...lovely.  So call triple A and wait an hour, during which time, we kept buying stuff, checking out, coming back in and by now even Hannaford had to wonder what in hell was wrong with us.  Oh well, car unlocked, groceries in the car, now let's get lunch. Oh crap, the two places we wished to go were  closed -- screw it, we're gonna go home and make sandwiches.  On the trip back, the boy fell asleep again and this time, he wasn't gonna wake up for a good two hours. And this my friends is what is known as memories!!!

Now the other day our grandson informed us the time out chair was broke. He uses this chair to reach the sink in the bathroom so he can wash his hands and brush his teeth.  Grandpa puts him in this chair if he misbehaves but Meme tends to use a box in his kitchen play room as his time out area (my sister says, "can you see him at school, when they tell him he's in time out...where in hell is my box?).  So as this chair has a crack it needs repair and Papa and Clint are gonna fix it.  Now, before you get to goofy about this, this chair has been in our family for years and I mean years, my son is 42 and he remembers sitting in the time out chair.  The photos below show you how this repair went:

Happy Thanksgiving to all and remember your blessing and be sure to thank those serving in our military.

Last Day in October 2011

Yes, happy Halloween.  I thought I had lost (probably would be a good idea) this costume but once found, it was perfect for my grandson's 2nd birthday party in combination with Halloween

Gotta tell ya, this party is becoming quite a treat for everyone as usually everyone dresses up and its fun to see who comes as what and the variety of costumes.  It was a grand party and now he is a whopping TWO! (Does this mean the terrible twos are upon us?).  Now we sweat out when the white stuff will hit us, none so far and that is fine...we can wait our turn.

However, this year I truly look forward to snow shoeing and I may even try cross country skiing again (not having much luck with this activity, downhill was so much easier and quicker to learn).  Last year I had surgery and all these activities were forbidden, so it will be fun to resume them.  And with Clint being older, he and I can have even more fun outside in the white stuff...gotta remind myself to get him a bigger sled tho.

So today, tomorrow and late Wednesday Clint will spend time with his grandparents.  I wonder how he will like going grocery shopping with Papa?  Better yet, will he enjoy Taco Bell?  Whatever, it will be a fun Monday for all of us...got some additional goodies for his play kitchen, which will keep him content for hours.  Amazing how much he likes this item and the fun he has pretending to cook, wash, clean, etc.  He is something but make no mistake he is all BOY. At times, its like witnessing a small bull in a china shop, he is not exactly gentle when he handles certain toys...oh well, it shall be fun and as we were also into the potty training stage, this too shall be interesting.

So you all have a good day, okay?  Yes, another flippin Monday-- deal with it!!!

Elmo-Clint...soooo cute.

4th of July

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence ?

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors,and tortured before they died.

Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured.

Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.

They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they?

Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners;

men of means, well educated, but they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.

Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.

At the battle of Yorktown , Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.

John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished.

So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid.

Remember: freedom is never free!

I hope you will show your support by sending this to as many people as you can, please. It's time we get the word out that patriotism is NOT a sin, and the Fourth of July has more to it than beer, picnics and baseball games.

Christmas is Over....:)

I know, it just doesn't make much sense. We work so hard and anticipate this wonderful day and it arrives and we are so happy. We get gifts, we are surrounded by loved ones and of course we eat more than we should and for some, we do realize the real meaning of this day, the birth of our Savior.

And then it is over and now everyone wants to know "how was your Christmas?"  Basically what this really means, what in hell did you get?  Some of the surprises are precious and I mean just flippin special.  For me taking photos and watching  my youngest grandson figure out what this was all about was awesome.  All these packages and now, now he gets to rip into them--huh? Hardest was not having my son and his family with us but hey, they did fine on this too day!

I got lots of neat stuff and thought the gift opening was done when my daughter and son-in-law said; "Wait we got one more gift."  Behind me was this huge bag, which I assumed had gifts inside and soon it was dragged in front of me and holy smokes--the picture below is what was inside this bag:

Do you see this sucker? Do you know what this is?  It's an inflatable kayak for two people and something I have wanted for years.  Now I want the warm weather to be here so I can try this bad boy out.  Oh man, summer is gonna be something this year, getting my ass in that kayak and paddling along like a crazy woman. Ya, learning how to do all this will be half the fun but still its an awesome gift and something I am damn anxious to do! So to the Crosbie's, thank you so much.

And to the Minnesota Rourk's loved all my gifts from you guys too...the RBS sweatshirt is perfect. And Friend, well, what can I say, Friend always gives me the best kitchen tools!!!

Oh I also got a kindle (electronic book) and it took a few minutes to figure out how to operate and download a book I was anxious to read but, managed to do that too. Well, with some help from Papa.

Soo, now it is Monday, colder than hell here and the wind is making it even colder. What to do? Went to Curves (oh by the way, my goal was to lost 20 pounds by Christmas, I lost 19 -- one lousy pound off); then came back and played with Clint for awhile and finally got home and, you know what happened next, don't ya? Took down the Christmas tree and packed up the decorations.  House is back to normal again.

Christmas Dinner

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present th at had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health

Early Christmas Gift

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.


"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

.



.



."Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Yup, Happy Thanksgiving

Yes folks another Thanksgiving has arrived and like many, I too will pig out and say to hell with any diet or thought to restrain myself...all those goodies were made with love and need to be eaten, right?

I am so grateful for so many things this year and sadden that my  beloved brother, Warren, is not here with us -- his spirit will always be amongst us, along with my parents and other brothers, but his smile and laughter I shall never hear again, except in my memory and that is strong.

Yesterday, as I was baking and doing various things (after all, my daughter is doing the actual dinner but I have my assignments) I was thinking (1) I need to stop and rest and (2) isn't it fun to just stand here, peeling taters and remembering childhood Thanksgivings!  We always had a crowd and whilst the food was great and lots of it, mostly there was a ton of dishes which my sisters and I got to wash -- what the hell was that all about? 

Just thinking about all that food, the various dishes and things we had never seen before or eaten and then, the same comments every year; "why don't we eat this more often, why do we wait for Thanksgiving to fix turkey?"  In some households, its not turkey but ham, which is great too.  I love how folks mix up the menu and have different things.

Please be thankful for all that you have and had, let's be kinder to each other and keep our loved ones close to our hearts and be grateful for all our memories and moments on this earth.

Happy November 1st

Yes, it is now November, did you fall asleep and miss it or just refuse to acknowledge another month is here?  Actually this is my favorite month for a couple of reasons. Amongst other things, we'll end daylight savings time and perhaps see "light" when going to places in the early hours!!!

First it was the month, years ago when I became a Mother for the first time and I have a beautiful son who I wished lived closer so I could see his smiling face more often.

Second, its also my older sister's birth month -- we have some fond childhood memories but more precious senior moments -- and yes, Jan, Jesus will have to wait.

Third, my favorite holiday is this month -- I just love Thanksgiving and have some fantastic memories of this day from childhood straight thru to this day...and damnit, I'm still making memories

Fourth this is the month we thank and acknowledge all of our Veterans, I happen to be one you know and its nice that we are remembered and thanked for the service we pulled, are pulling and shall pull to keep this country strong and free.

Oh, take a look at this collage of my youngest grandson...who is now ONE year old:

Ya, I know the weather is getting colder too... supposedly dropping into the twenties tonight.  And tomorrow, finally, the voting will happen.  Maybe then we can get some rest from all these damn campaign ads and phone calls. What cracks me up is seeing yard, after yard, with every one's campaign sign in their yard -- even they don't know who to vote for or maybe they are collecting the signs to use as place mats later?

More another day, I feel a chair nap coming on...ya, I doth love those chair naps and while you too take them, I at least admit to them!!!

OhYa, Monday night Football -- yay!!!  What?  You don't like football -- get out!!!

Yo Hornets Sting

Okay, the 4th of July started out really nice, weather was great and of course this was the day hubby decided to -finally -clean the gutters.  No big deal, right?

I was watching the Wimbledon finals and happy to announce that Rafa Nadal won his second Wimbledon title.  In the midst of this hubby came in and announced he would need my help and I said; "you need to wait, this match is almost over and I'm not leaving until it ends."  Eventually I did go outside to see what in hell he wanted. Well, first he wanted me to steady the ladder..dud! Then he was dragging the hose and gonna run water down the gutters and wanted me to go to the end and see if the water was coming out..simple, eh?

Simple, my ass!  This little hike to the end of the house had me passing by this hornet nest and he stirred them up and now, they came at me with friggin pitchforks. 

Got stung on my arm, face and worse, right between the eyeballs -- now that sucker hurt and hubby was on the ladder watching all this and saying; "is the water coming out?" 

Do you not see me on the ground?  You really think I care about water down a gutter -- how about some mud or something to ease this freakin pain?  Finally he realized I was actually in pain and asked if I was okay? Define okay!!!

Went inside and got my iphone and found this lovely photo on it -- yup, that's my granddaughter and she was in the parade in Warroad...what a doll.  She can hardly wait for Grandma's visit later this month, she just had her room redone,can't wait to show me the hot pink, lime green and white walls and of course, we love to read books to each other -- now that is great snuggle time.

Now it was time to grab a water bottle, cap and head downtown to watch the Norwood Parade. I was sick of this watch the water come out the gutter number and just wanted to get away from the hornets (bees or wasps or whatever in hell was biting me).   Keep in mind I had no idea how swollen my forehead was and started to wonder why folks were giving me odd looks --I thought I had dressed rather patriotic today --Eventually ran into some who alerted me to the swollen forehead. 

Norwood really does offer a fantastic parade and it was hot but folks endured and stayed to end...it was a long sucker but well worth it.  My only gripe and it happens every year is that folks do not show the proper respect for the US Flag. Oh, they salute for the first one that is seen but after that, they just sit back, clap and never again salute the Flag. Really irks me because that suggests to me, you don't have a clue why we celebrate this day do you? And you don't have a clue how many have died to preserve the freedoms you and I enjoy...so sit right there, don't salute or even rise, dumb asses!!!

After the parade, I hike my butt home and sat in an air conditioned home for couple hours, cooling down and then, hubby and I headed out to my brother's place for a BBQ, simple and fun...and had a great time.  Thanks so much for in the invite Shirley and Warren -- we truly had a good time.

So this morning, it was get up and go on a walk -- no stroller so I could pick up the pace and really sweat the beer I drank yesterday out of me.  Beautiful morning and just look at the early sunrise -- how can you not be thankful you are on this side of the dirt?

4th of July

Okay, time for a history lesson -- oh give it up, ye gads, learn something for a change!

Most people in the United States celebrate the 4th of July, but do you know exactly why the holiday is so important to our country? Imagine how you would feel if someone older than you (maybe an older sister or brother) kept telling you what to do all of the time and kept taking more and more of your allowance. That is how the colonists felt in the years leading up to 1776. Great Britain kept trying to make the colonists follow more rules and pay higher taxes. People started getting mad and began making plans to be able to make their own rules. They no longer wanted Great Britain to be able to tell them what to do, so they decided to tell Great Britain that they were becoming an independent country. (To be independent means to take care of yourself, making your own rules and providing for your own needs.)



The Congress met in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and they appointed a committee (a group of people working together to do a specific job) to write a formal document that would tell Great Britain that the Americans had decided to govern themselves. The committee asked Thomas Jefferson to write a draft (first try) of the document, so he worked for days, in absolute secret, until he had written a document that he thought said everything important that the committee had discussed. On June 28, 1776, the committee met to read Jefferson's "fair" copy (he put his best ideas together and wrote them neatly.) They revised (made some changes) the document and declared their independence on July 2, 1776. They officially adopted it (made it theirs) on July 4, 1776. That is why we call it "Independence Day." Congress ordered that all members must sign the Declaration of Independence and they all began signing the "official" copy on August 2, 1776. In January of the next year, Congress sent signed copies to all of the states.


The Declaration of Independence is more than just a piece of paper. It is a symbol of our country's independence and commitment to certain ideas. A symbol is something that stands for something else. Most people can look at a certain little "swoosh" and know that it stands for "Nike." Well, the signers of the Declaration of Independence wanted the citizens of the United States to have a document that spelled out what was important to our leaders and citizens. They wanted us to be able to look at the Declaration of Independence and immediately think of the goals we should always be working for, and about the people who have fought so hard to make these ideas possible. The people who signed the Declaration risked being hanged for treason by the leaders in Great Britain. They had to be very brave to sign something that would be considered a crime! So every time we look at the Declaration of Independence, we should think about all of the effort and ideas that went into the document, and about the courage it took for these people to stand up for what they knew was right -- independence!

See that wasn't so hard now was it!  Look its a 3-day weekend (for some even longer) but regardless, please take a few moments to reflect and be thankful for our independence.  Also, if possible support your local towns and attend their parades and other activities.  Norwood's parade has grown a great deal over the past few years and well worth your time to watch...so get off your lazy butts and get out there and cheer folks on...thank you.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film (or a memory card).

Keep honking, I'm reloading!

No Toilet Paper

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom.

She said yes.

When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he usedhis hand.When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have inyour hand?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"

He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did,you scared the shit out of him!"

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

Yes, the Day AFTER

Okay, you know it's gonna be said, so chill out, here it comes: Here's hoping you had a marvelous Christmas, that Santa was good to you and that you had a good day (good is defined by you and only you). Thar, it's been said, shall we move on? Thought so!!!

I gotta tell ya, I rarely ask for anything but more photos of my grandkids, maybe a sweatshirt and some goofy gadgets. I mean, I honestly have a hard time thinking of something I want or feel is necessary to make someone else feel good because they got it for me. Now wait a second, I say this with no sense of false pride, I buy stuff throughout the year and well, when it comes to this time of year, I honestly cannot think of anything I want, need or can't live without...its that bloody simple and direct. I know this irks others because they enjoy getting things for me too, but truly, when I say I want photos, etc., that is what I want...why don't people listen?

I was somewhat shocked this year -- I got an iPhone and will spend the next few months learning how to operate it but it has proven to be quite a nice little toy and while I haven't exactly made many phone calls, I have down loaded Pandora and now have music, I have access to my Facebook account, I have enter some names and given phones a special ring tone and yes, I have even taken a few photos and managed to save them...ya, all this in just one day...holy sheet.

Then to keep my electronic brain clogged even more, I also got a mini-laptop and that had to be set up too. What is really neat about this is that it comes with a build-in webcam so no fussing with that sucker, once you get someone to be online and in the same program, you can see each other and as this is a mini-laptop, walk around and show folks various rooms, objects, etc (sorry,bathroom and bedroom are strictly off limits).

So much for all this techie stuff, my happiest gifts and I actually asked for these were books. I do love to read and I wanted the Andre Agassi book and yes, Sarah Palin's book...hey, you can say what you want, but you need to read stuff and make up your own mind, okay?

On the lighter side, two new programs for the Wii set and man, the sports one is a hoot -- love to make these critters do things I could not do in a million years, like skate, jump, twirl, spin and stay upright. Or actually ride a snowboard downhill and score stylin points! Yes, there are "workout" programs and I shall get into them but not until after the New Year actually begins, why stress myself out over the pounds I added during the holidays..I'll just work harder and drop them..so thar. Snowshoeing helps!

So that is my update and again, I honestly hope you all had a nice Christmas. Today has been rainy,cold and at moments the fear of a repeat of the 1998 Ice Storm. We ain't outta the woods but hey, in upstate Minnesota they have 15 inches of snow and its still coming down---yikes.

One More Day....:)

Yup, this is it folks, you got today to finish up that shopping and hey, lots of luck with that number.


Now some folks wait and luck out but me, hell, what I would want would be long gone if I waited until the last day. I dislike shopping so I tend to pick stuff up all year and then, my so called holiday shopping is more people watching than anything else and yup, that works for me too.


It's a lovely 21 degrees, light snow falling and this ole lady is gonna do a few warm up exercises, then she's headed outside and donning snow shoes and off we go. Now, you do understand the first trek out usually means a few falls, right? Oh wait, that was skis, I have yet to fall in snowshoes..well, I mean since i got the shorter ones. Those ole fashioned long-tailed suckers, well, folks just stepped on them and down I went.


I also have a pumpkin pie in the oven and soon, well when this one is done, I shall toss in a dutch apple pie...what the hell, that shall be called dessert!!


To the John Boy and Louise, have a merry Christmas and happy New Year -- sheet, 2010 has to be brighter than 09, right? Have fun with the kids -- you got'em all home for a few days, eh?



Let's be smart this year and not drive and drink, we really want you all around next year, okay? Keep smiling and MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

“ Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

**Have **a Merry Christmas &** ** **a great holiday** **season**!!*