Ten Mothers In History

Ten Mothers In History

1. Michelangelo's Mother:  Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?                                 
2. Paul Revere's Mother:   I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.                                
3. Mona Lisa's Mother:     After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give  us?                                   
4. George Washington's Mother:     The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye.                                          
5. Mary's Mother:  I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.                                            
6. Columbus's Mother:  I don't care what you've discovered, you  still could have written.                                                   
7. Napoleon's Mother:  All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.                                            
8. Thomas Edison's Mother:     Of course I'm proud  that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed.                                              
9. Abraham Lincoln's Mother:   Again with the stovepipe hat?  Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?                                    
10. Albert Einstein's Mother:   But it's your senior picture.  Can't you do something about your hair?  Styling gel, mousse, something...?          
11. ......An extra laugh for posterity:     Jonah's Mother:     That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years.

Gotta Love'em

Last night on a plane back home from Dallas to Tyler , I was sitting with
a friend I've known for many years, talking about church and a whole lot
of political things. Being a US Congressman, Louie visits alot of
different churches in the area throughout the year and he told me of
what happened in a local church on this past Easter that made me roll
with laughter, to the point of tears.

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children
to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had
them sit around him.
He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful.
Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what
the resurrection is?" One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor
said "Please tell us what the resurrection is". The boy, proud that he
knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting
more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!" It took a solid 10
minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter
going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice
won't be.

Three Black Men

At  the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at
   a portrait that had them completely confused.
 
  The painting depicted  3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
 
  Two of the figures  had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink
   penis.
 
  The curator of the gallery realized that they were having  trouble
  interpreting the painting and offered his personal  assessment. 
 
  He went on for over half an hour explaining how it  depicted the sexual
  emasculation of African Americans in a  predominately white, patriarchal
  society.
 
  
  'In  fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink
   penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced
  by gay men in contemporary society'.
 
  After the curator  left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would
  you like to  know what the painting is really about?'
 
  'Now why would you claim to  be more of an expert than the curator of the
  gallery?', asked the  couple.
 
  'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he  replied.
 
  'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.  They're just
  three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home  for lunch.' 

Hot & Cold Sex

After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appear to be in good health.  Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man.  "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine.  Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'  The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem.  He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time.  Do you have any idea about why?'

"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied.  "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."

&&&&&&

Oh come on, you know damn well you laughed or at least smiled when you read the above story about hot and cold sex!

As for me all is going smoothly, surgery recovery is a tad slower than I would like but hey, two surgeries in less than one month does wear the body out.  And don't let anyone fool you, the older you get the longer it takes to recover.  However, you do recover you just do things slower than before but things get done.  I am still restricted on what I can lift or haul, nothing over 5 pounds and I need to be somewhat careful with my arm movements...too much repetitive motion is not good at this point.

Having said all that, my game plan tonight is to grill up some lovely pork chops and chicken and my first ever attempt at scalloped potatoes with ham.  Kel is bringing asparagus so we are golden.

Hopefully this coming weekend, my dau, grandson and I shall head down to Syracuse and spend the weekend with my sister.  Now if her daughter shows up, it will be a super-duper weekend.  We could send the girls out shopping and us sisters could just hang out and swap stories.

My Kind of Teacher

My kind of teacher (I'm still laughing!) This one is dedicated to all my friends who ever taught school, parented children or served their country. A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.  Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was before trying any pranks.   Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. There was dead silence.  He had no trouble with discipline that year. &&&&&&&& Now here's a cupcake full of kids. The only grand child missing is Kyle and at 19 he has a job and works so no trip to NY for him this year...miss him big time. However, having the younger grand kids, son, dau-in-law, son-in-law and dau here for a week was absolutely wonderful.  We began this adventure by camping in cabins at Old Forge and the next day, it was Water Safari all day and it was just plain ass fun. Here is a photo of the entire crew -- now, you gotta realize getting everyone to sit still, smile and look at the camera is a trick very few can master and this is the best shot: Sadly the Minnesota crew headed back today and my house is so damn quiet I'm thinking of talking to myself.  Wait, I all ready do that -- okay, talk louder or turn on some music, eh?  Clint is still sleeping but once he wakes up he will want to see his cousins and will be irked that they are no longer here.  He had a blast with them and of course,being the youngest, they loved him too. Hope everyone is having a great summer?

God is PERFECT

A King, who did not believe in the goodness 

of God, had a slave who, in every and all

circumstances, said: "My King, do not be

discouraged, because everything God does is

perfect, no mistakes!"



One day the king and his slave went hunting,

and along the way a wild animal attacked the

king. His slave managed to kill the animal,

but could not prevent his majesty from

losing a finger.



Furious and without showing his gratitude

for being saved, the nobleman said "Is God

good? If He was good, I would not have been

attacked and lost my finger."



The slave replied: "My king, despite all

these things, I can only tell you that God

is good, and he knows "why" of all these

things. What God does is perfect. He is

never wrong!"



Outraged by the response, the king ordered

the arrest of his slave.



Later, he left for another hunt and was

captured by an army of men who made human sacrifices.



On the altar, ready to sacrifice the

nobleman, the savages found that the victim

was missing one of his fingers, so he was

released. According to them, he was not

complete so he could not be offered to the

gods.



Upon his return to the palace, he authorized

the release of his slave. Then, he received

him very affectionately.



"My dear servant, God was really good to me!

I was almost killed by the wild men, but for

lack of a single finger, I was let go! But

I have a question: if God is so good, why

did he allow me to put you in jail?"



"My King, if I had gone with you on this

hunt, I would have been sacrificed for

you, because I have no missing finger;

therefore remember, everything God does is

perfect. He is never wrong."



Often we complain about life, and negative

things that happen to us, forgetting that

nothing is random and that everything has a

purpose.



Every morning, offer your day to God, don't

be in a rush.



Ask God to inspire your thoughts, guide your

actions, and ease your feelings. And do not

be afraid. God is never wrong!



You know why this message is for you? I do

not know, but God knows, because he never

makes mistakes.......



What you do with this message is up to you.

May God put in your heart the desire to send

it to someone.



God knows why He chose you to receive

this message. 

Please, bless someone with it.