Vern's Birthday

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends

Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every

Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,

So for his birthday she takes him to a local

Strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,

"Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to

This club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. " He's in my bowling league ."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern

If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable

And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her

Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all

Over him and says...

"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious,

Grabs her purse and storms out of the club

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in

Beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper

Must have mistaken him for someone else,

But his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,

Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says

Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD

THIS COMING FRIDAY.  

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Maiden snowshoe voyage, but howdy did he love this and did quite nicely.  Unlike his Grandmother who's first attempt was definitely a major learning experience. Of course I did not have my mother insuring the "fit" was secure and proper and I needed poles to keep me upright, however, in due course, I too managed to master this winter activity and spent many an hour hiking in fields, woods and even my own backyard getting one hell of a workout!

I just had to post this because (1) its funny and (2) it makes perfect sense, and (3) I personally do not have any tattoos and have no desire to have any!

Okay, it is Christmas Eve (day) and I got a list of things to do, which amazes me because I thought I was pretty much ready, however as I lay in bed I realized there was a few more "chores" that needed my attention.  If the list gets any longer, it will be tossed out!

Tad chilly this morning, 17 degrees (ya Minnesota tell me this is warm front)-- and the wind seems quite still for a change.  I gotta give the vampires more blood this morning and then, off to the Liquor store to get some wine.  I haven't been able to have any alcohol but tomorrow I plan to have a glass of wine come hell or high water.

So everyone, have a wonderful day and remember, its not the gifts but the folks you spend this day with that counts.  Love to all!!!

Wisdom from a Jewish Man

A female CNN journalist heard about a very elderly Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.  So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was,walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" "Morris Feinberg," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.  I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as          responsible adults and to love their fellow man.  I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests." The Journalist then asked: "How do you feel after doing this for 6O years?" "Like I'm talking to a !@#$%^* wall."

True Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas
pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows
where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the
cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped
the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over
the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all
the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.Not very many people know this.

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PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

The Awesome Power of Love

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs,  gripping the railing with both hands.   With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.  Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.

The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said.

"They're for the funeral.  

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Well, it's Tuesday morning, 6:34 and it's been raining all night and continues to rain;however the temp is hovering between 35 and 37 degrees and the wind continues to blow. The point is, its not freezing or becoming ice yet but it sure is wet outside..huge ole puddles are seen even in this early morning light(from car headlights actually).

Monday was various appointments, starting at 8:30 in the morning.  First I saw my urologist which is always fun.  Yes, I still have a kidney stone and yes, we are leaving it alone, it is not blocking or bothering me and like he said, "you have enough on your plate right now."  If and when this becomes an issue, he will treat me immediately.  So I shan't see him again until July of next year.

Then back to Potsdam to have blood drawn. The drawing was simple and I didn't even feel a pinch, however she failed to seal the hole and whilst she applied a cotton ball and tape, it moved and when I put my sleeve down, it really moved. Anyway, after this number I went shopping, thinking this might be my last chance as bad weather is expected and at some point, much as I dislike this chore, I do need to wrap gifts.  So, I'm looking around and having a good time and sensing my right arm is wet but as it had been raining, who the hell could be sure.  I don't check and continue to shop. I get home, take off my coat and the sleeve on my right arm is soaked in blood and I mean soaked!  Holy crap, the shirt was off, shout applied and into the washer within minutes.  Of course, I now have this lovely bruise too but that is becoming a common appearance after so much blood work the past week - feel like a damn pin cushion.  I guess if no calls from the Cancer center means all is good, at least that is how I am calling it.  Then again, he has to have time to read the report (other than yesterday, I had blood drawn on Monday, Wednesday and Friday last week)  and I finished up my antibiotic on Saturday.  All due to low white and platelet count..lovely.

Today its take my car to the garage, drop it off and get an oil change, then return later to pick it up.  As hubby will be away a good part of the day, perhaps I can and should do some gift wrapping.  Either way, the rain continues and fall and until snow hits, I guess we shall enjoy what looks like Spring weather.  Everyone wants snow but get this, they want it in yards, sidewalks, trees,houses but not on the road.  Fussy people, eh?

So, you all have a good one.  Keep smiling, life is good.

Dead Penguins

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

 

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in

Antarctica ? 

 

Where do they go?

 

Wonder no more ! ! ! 

 

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird

which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is

very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as

maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring

throughout its life.

 

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of

the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the

ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep

enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

 

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave

and sing: 

 

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

 

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's just so easy to fool OLD people. I am sorry, an urge came over me  

that made me do it!!!

Oh quit whining I fell for it, too.....

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So here we are, December 12, 2012 and everyone is asking, "Got all your Christmas shopping done?"  Hell no, why would I do that?  I'm like so many this year, getting into or finding the spirit is taking its sweet time.  However, my tree is up,house decorated, outside ornaments up and everything is working, so I'm doing good.

Had my last chemo treatment on Dec 2nd and of course the next day the shot that knocks me on my ass for 4 days or more.  Taste buds still gone which makes for damn frustrating eating, you can taste nothing but everything smells wonderful.  Then today the doctor's office called and it seems my white blood cell and platelet count is low, so I'm back on some antibiotic and he wants blood drawn today and again on Friday.  Lovely, just lovely.  I was kinda hoping that today while Hubby was running the roads, I could wrap some of his gifts and even stick a few under the tree to help my grandson understand, we don't open these until Dec 25th, so leave them to hell alone.  Ya, lots of luck with this experiment, eh?

Freaking cold this morning too - 13 degrees and last night the wind definitely was creating a freezing wind chill. Holy crap but still, its warmer than Minnesota as they are at 0 degrees -- ya a warm up, as they have been below zero all week. Yuck.

Well, you all have a good day. Keep smiling too.