Where do I Buy a License

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them....

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts

To lick her breasts and she decks him! He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?' "Helloooo!", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'

Just can't take a chance

Gosh I hope you can read this, it is cute.  I tried to just copy the writing but that didn't work, hence the photo too.

Well, another rainy, damp dreary day and yes, we needed the rain but it can stop any ole time. But why in hell did our temps have to drop too?  I mean, come on, we were enjoying 70 and 80 sometimes low 90s and then, wham, it was in the lower 50s and down right chilly...pretty damn bad when the heater kicks on in summer!!!

Front Porch

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God saw it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

Advice from the Back Pew

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded;
so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's
expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued,
as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the
church, and how much more It could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his
chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as
many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation. In
the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said
in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too
much of it, we wear rubbers." The entire congregation said, "Amen.

Gotta love those senior citizens!


Hope everyone's Friday is being nice for them. Another "hot" one here and nope, not bitching about the heat. We waited to damn long so you just better suck it up and enjoy it.  Luckily many of the local beaches are free and you can pack up a snack, bring a lawn chair (or blanket) and just hang out at the beach.

This morning I emptied and refilled the pool...not exactly my fave job but now that I have this battery-operated siphon, it's not that big a deal.  I'm sure my grandson will be over this weekend, or even tonight for a swim and if the mood hits, I'll hop in too.  My daughter is saying we need to get my kayak wet this weekend, which sounds wonderful but I also would like the carpet put down on my deck, which means moving stuff off it (i.e. table, chairs, flower pots) so the carpet can be put down, then putting stuff back...it sounds like a horrible job but it's really nice having outdoor carpet on the deck and yes, my awning keeps it cool so your feet are not hot!  Yes of course, we could do both but we'll see how things go.

Keep smiling people, life is good.  We all faces challenges but hey, keeping a positive outlook helps with all adventures and of course, the biggest score you  have is FAITH!

Lemon Juice

Lemon juice - This is amazing news, and I had never known about it !!!.

PAGE DOWN, IMPORTANT TO READ !!

Funny, I remember my Grandma doing the lemon in water thing to keep "regular".

Interesting !!!

Everyone should move to Florida and plant lemon trees.

Useful info that may help someone ....
LISTEN UP FOLKS: This is something that we should all take seriously – just had a recent test myself that sent shivers up my spine – or near by – Even doctors are now saying that there is value in trying “LEMON”

So, a tablespoon of "real lemon" (the concentrate in a bottle) in a glass of water every morning. What can it hurt?

Institute of Health Sciences, 819 N. L.L.C. Charles Street Baltimore , MD 1201.
This is the latest in medicine, effective for cancer!
Read carefully and you be the judge.

Lemon(Citrus) is a miraculous product to kill cancer cells. It is 10,000 times stronger than chemotherapy.

Why do we not know about that? Because there are laboratories interested in making a synthetic version that will bring them huge profits.

You can now help a friend in need by letting him/her know that lemon juice is beneficial in preventing the disease. Its taste is pleasant and it does not produce the horrific effects of chemotherapy.

How many people will die while this closely guarded secret is kept, so as not to jeopardize the beneficial multi-millionaires large corporations? As you know, the lemon tree is known for its varieties of lemons and limes. You can eat the fruit in different ways: you can eat the pulp, juice press, prepare drinks, sorbets, pastries, etc...

It is credited with many virtues, but the most interesting is the effect it produces on cysts and tumors. This plant is a proven remedy against cancers of all types. Some say it is very useful in all variants of cancer. It is considered also as an anti-microbial spectrum against bacterial infections and fungi, effective against internal parasites and worms, it regulates blood pressure which is too high and as an antidepressant, combats stress and nervous disorders.

The source of this information is fascinating: it comes from one of the largest drug manufacturers in the world, says that after more than 20 laboratory tests since 1970, the extracts revealed that: It destroys the malignant cells in 12 cancers, including colon, breast, prostate, lung and pancreas ... The compounds of this tree showed 10,000 times better than the product Adriamycin, a drug normally used chemotherapeutic in the world, slowing the growth of cancer cells. And what is even more astonishing: this type of therapy with lemon extract only destroys malignant cancer cells and it does not affect healthy cells.

&&&&&&&&&

I have no idea how valid the above is, it was sent to me and I figured, what the hell, pass it along.  Lemon juice is good regardless and if it helps with cysts and/or tumors, so be it.  Hells bells, we got all kinds of medicine these days, some bloody expensive and some well, old fashion stuff so who knows.

So how is the week going for you folks?  Hard to believe this month is nearly over, eh?  I'm having some medical challenges but I shall get through all of them too.  Looking forward to see my Minnesota kids in August and having both kids and families here for a few days...didn't want to plan to many outings as most just wanna sit around, drink, swim and relax on the deck.  Plus got some cool meals planned and not much work, so its all good.

Well, I am sweating like a pregnant nun in confession so time to crank up the ac. Keep smiling.

Senior Moment

A Great Senior Moment!      Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester.     There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America .     I politely declined to take one..     There was an elderly woman was behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.  The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"     The old woman looked up at her and said:     "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam .     All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."     ~ God Bless America ~  I love getting old....

Momma Mia

MOMMA  MIA

For several  years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.


One night,  she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his  reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if she would go  back to Italy to secretly have the
child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy  to raise the child, he would provide
child support until the child turned 18.


She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.


To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and

Write “Spaghetti” on the back when the child was born.


He would  then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8  months later, he came home to his confused wife.

“Honey,” she said, “You  received a very strange postcard today.”

“Oh, just give it to me and  I’ll explain it later,” he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her  husband read the card, turned
white, and fainted.

On the  card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra  sauce.

Irish Mirror

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old
Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image
staring back at him.

'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go
there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the
mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'

D-Day

Wow, D-day and many of us won't even acknowledge it or recall what this day was all about, how sad is that?

As for me, I shall remember and think of my uncles who fought during WWII and the fact that I lost one uncle in the Battle of the Bulge.  He rests peacefully in Belgium -- I visited his grave years ago, met the family who took care of his resting place, putting flowers on it on the date of his death and keeping it clean.  Yes, it's a military cemetery but the Belgium people never forgot what these men and women did and this is their way to honor them.

Today a grosbeak decided to visit my feeders, I have no real clue what type of bird this was, so I had to seek assistance from Facebook friends, who quickly informed me, its a grosbeak.

I understand the males are attractive the females, not so much.

 In the meantime, the cardinal keeps coming back and even brings his mate/girlfriend. She is a tad more cautious than the male and its harder to capture her on film.

Ah yes, the hummingbird, they continue to visit but I learned, thanks to my son-in-law that its the red liquid that attracts them and when this becomes cloudy or fades, they ain't gonna drink it..duh.

Yes,our weather has been the pits, so sick of this wet stuff and worse, many of us have been forced to turn our heat back on to remove the damp chill that somehow entered our homes.  Hells bells, I was actually wearing a sweatshirt and long pants...plus socks.  Needless to say, all this damn rain has definitely caused the grass to grow and once again, waiting for dry weather so we can mow...ah the joys of Spring.  Wait, when does summer start again?  Oh ya,June 20th

So this is my Wednesday, ain't it grand. Have a good one.  By the way, do you know how they make Holy Water?  Boil the piss out of it!

The Buzzard, Bee, Bat, People

THE BUZZARD

If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by

8 feet, and is entirely open at the top,

the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will

be an absolute prisoner.

The reason is that a buzzard always begins a

flight from the ground with a run of 10 to 12

feet.

Without space to run, as is its habit, it will

not even attempt to fly,

but will remain a prisoner for life in a small

jail with no top.

--------------------------------------------------------------

THE BAT

The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a

remarkable nimble creature in the air,

cannot take off from a level place.

If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all

it can do is shuffle about helplessly

and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some

slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the

air.

Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.

-------------------------------------------------------------

THE BUMBLEBEE

A bumblebee, if

dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out.

It never sees the means of escape at the top,

but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom.

It will seek a way where none exists, until it

completely destroys itself.

-------------------------------------------------------------

PEOPLE

In many ways, we

are like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee.

We struggle about with all our problems and

frustrations, never realizing that all we have to do is look up!

That's the answer, the escape route and the solution to any problem...

just look up!

Sorrow looks back,

Worry looks around,

But faith looks up!

Live simply,

love generously,

care deeply,

speak kindly,

and trust in our

Creator,

 

who loves us.

 

Share this with a friend...

I just did.

 

Have a good day!

Spread the Stupidity

Only in This Stupid World
......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
Store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Only in This Stupid World
.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in This Stupid World
.....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..

Only in This Stupid World
......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put
Our useless junk in the garage.

Only in This Stupid World ...........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
Packages of eight..


Only in This Stupid World .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER
...

Why the sun lightens
Our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the
Headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is
'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that
Doctors call what they do 'practice'?


Why is lemon juice made
With artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who
Invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of
Day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there
Mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah
Swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the
Needle for lethal injections?

You know that
Indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep
Shrink when it rains?


Why are they called
Apartments when they are all stuck together?

I like this one!!!

If con is the opposite of 

Pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so 

Safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?