Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the Father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we Swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
No need to thank me, try to learn something new every day.
Showing posts with label Think about it. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Think about it. Show all posts
Monday, February 6, 2012
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
THINK ABOUT IT
Okay, time to let our minds say what they are really thinking instead of wondering if our thoughts and/or opinions will offend. Well, of course thoughts are gonna offend someone, that’s a given but as long as we very clearly state this is MY opinion, or MY thought; we should be safe, right?
Now for the life of me I wonder why in hell Chaz Bono thinks America needs to see him dance? He wants to put his fat ass on Dancing With The Stars and supposedly he’s all ready lost weight just from moving his fat ass in simple dance steps! I do the Zumba dance and while I can’t say for sure I have lost any weight, I can say the stuff has moved around and my dancing –well, let’s just say, I’m having fun and as this is done in the privacy of my home, who cares what in hell I look like! I know America doesn’t want to see me dance!!!
Okay, here are the Minnesota grand kids, you know the drill, first day of school photos...they just wanted this over and anxious, yes anxious to get to school.
Now, waiting in line to sharpen your pencil is certainly a fun way to begin the year -- are you kidding me!!! Oh well, Ella waited patiently but she doesn't look overly thrilled.
Now these be some "smokin hot boots!"
I love all the first day back to school photos and comments. I think my granddaughter had the best line tho – when asked what she thought of her first day, what was the best part, she cheerfully replied: RECESS & GYM!!! Now that is an honest kid, right? My grandson on the other hand, said “math, it was so fun!” Gotta love’em, right?
Stop with the photos my grandson tell his mother, you're embarrassing me. Honey, that is our job, get use to it!!!
Also on the first day of school, the village finally decided to “pave” the lower half of our street. Keep in mind, this portion had been under the “watch out I’m a hole cone” for months until someone decided it was time to fix the damn hole and then, screw it, let’s rip up the road and then, we’ll think about it and eventually pave it! So all the equipment and half the work force showed up to pave yesterday but they didn’t get the entire job done. Hell no, at 6:30 this morning I heard beep, beep, beep and saw lights flashing, they were back and with even more cars and men to finish the job. This is not an entire street mind ya, just a small section and it’s taking this much effort! And you wonder why road work is so expensive!!
So on this Wednesday, Hump Day, let your mind speak and have some laughs. You’d be surprised, even shocked, at how many folks are thinking the same damn thing!
Now for the life of me I wonder why in hell Chaz Bono thinks America needs to see him dance? He wants to put his fat ass on Dancing With The Stars and supposedly he’s all ready lost weight just from moving his fat ass in simple dance steps! I do the Zumba dance and while I can’t say for sure I have lost any weight, I can say the stuff has moved around and my dancing –well, let’s just say, I’m having fun and as this is done in the privacy of my home, who cares what in hell I look like! I know America doesn’t want to see me dance!!!
Okay, here are the Minnesota grand kids, you know the drill, first day of school photos...they just wanted this over and anxious, yes anxious to get to school.
Now these be some "smokin hot boots!"
I love all the first day back to school photos and comments. I think my granddaughter had the best line tho – when asked what she thought of her first day, what was the best part, she cheerfully replied: RECESS & GYM!!! Now that is an honest kid, right? My grandson on the other hand, said “math, it was so fun!” Gotta love’em, right?
Stop with the photos my grandson tell his mother, you're embarrassing me. Honey, that is our job, get use to it!!!
Also on the first day of school, the village finally decided to “pave” the lower half of our street. Keep in mind, this portion had been under the “watch out I’m a hole cone” for months until someone decided it was time to fix the damn hole and then, screw it, let’s rip up the road and then, we’ll think about it and eventually pave it! So all the equipment and half the work force showed up to pave yesterday but they didn’t get the entire job done. Hell no, at 6:30 this morning I heard beep, beep, beep and saw lights flashing, they were back and with even more cars and men to finish the job. This is not an entire street mind ya, just a small section and it’s taking this much effort! And you wonder why road work is so expensive!!
So on this Wednesday, Hump Day, let your mind speak and have some laughs. You’d be surprised, even shocked, at how many folks are thinking the same damn thing!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Pet Fish
Pet Fish
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers.
These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish??"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of bull....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers.
These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish??"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of bull....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
Friday, April 22, 2011
God's Wife
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen..
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school.
Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement..
'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
me.....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
***********************
An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering With cold. A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,'was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel.. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks..
Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes..
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him..
She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'
As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her....
'Are you God's wife?'
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school.
Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement..
'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
me.....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
***********************
An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering With cold. A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,'was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel.. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks..
Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes..
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him..
She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'
As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her....
'Are you God's wife?'
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Go Slowly Please
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic
Slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
Chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office And said, "You've got to do something about all Of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers Go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff And said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county Workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called And called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are Doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about Anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been Killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to Himself, "I'd better go out there and take a Look at that sign... It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, And his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....
NUDIST COLONY: Go slow and watch out for chicks!
Slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
Chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office And said, "You've got to do something about all Of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers Go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff And said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county Workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called And called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are Doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about Anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been Killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to Himself, "I'd better go out there and take a Look at that sign... It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, And his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....
NUDIST COLONY: Go slow and watch out for chicks!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Racism
Everyone is in a hurry to scream ‘racism' these days!
‘In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?' asked the customer.
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'
The guy (clearly offended) says, ‘Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hotdog would you ask if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?'
The clerk says, ‘Well, no!'
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'
‘I probably wouldn’t!’
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, ‘Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'
The clerk replies, ‘Because you're in Home Depot.'
‘In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?' asked the customer.
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'
The guy (clearly offended) says, ‘Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hotdog would you ask if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?'
The clerk says, ‘Well, no!'
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'
‘I probably wouldn’t!’
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, ‘Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'
The clerk replies, ‘Because you're in Home Depot.'
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Difference between Grandmothers & Grandfathers
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Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?
Well here it is:
A very close friend of mine always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?''
Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single asshole, dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Monday, February 8, 2010
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4... I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8... Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. ..
9..I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10..... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16... Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20... A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21... A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Finkelstein and Jesus
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.
After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor.So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!He asked how much he owed.
Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God there's no charge!However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business!Would you consider a partnership?""Certainly," replied Jesus."Jesus & Finkelstein it is.""Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein."Finkelstein & Jesus.After all, I am the craftsman."The two of them debated this for some time.Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop: 
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