New Texas Priest

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is
nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his
sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step
out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with
one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand, and repeats all the
suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee
and saying, 'No shit, what happened next?'"

Healthy Insanity

To Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
   
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
   
3. Every Time Someone Asks You to Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
   
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
   
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana'
   
6. With a serious face Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
   
7. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’.
   
8. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
   
9. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling 'Run for Your Lives! They're Loose!'
   
10. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.
    
11. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity Send This text To Someone else who you think is crazy

%$#(*&^%

So, did you watch the Oscars last night and were you surprised? I haven't seen "hurt locker"but I think that is one movie I wish to see. Did I tell ya, hubby and I went to watch "Cop Out," and we lasted twenty minutes and then, we "copped out." That was way too many f-bombs for us and a script that was way to easy to figure out. But as usual the snack bar provided us with decent snacks!!!

OMG my tulips are popping up! No kidding they are breaking thru and now, now I can watch for deer or some other critters to eat them. Oh well, I plant many so some will survive. And yes, the birds are back too....purple finch (those red headed birds are actually purple finches), chicadees, yellow finches, and even a blue jay. No cardinal yet but give it time! But three wood peckers -- they love the suet!

Well, have a nice week -- Monday is starting off nice -- 45 degrees but I gotta tell ya that breeze is a tad chilly still...damnit!

Gas Station Promo

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said,” You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week."

How to Save Our Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants.

No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin.

And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.

I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.

'Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,Bill Clinton

The Job Urine Test

(Whoever wrote this one deserves a HUGE pat on the back!)

Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.

In order to get that paycheck in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem).

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

So, here is my Question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butt - doing drugs, while I work. . . .

Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out'.