4th Marriage

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered."Interesting," the newsman thought.


He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's,and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. (wait for it)

She smiled and explained, "I marriedOne for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, And four to go."(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.)

An Irish Pope

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man
and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!

&&&&&&&&

Well, another Monday morning is upon us, how delightful.  I was gonna take my morning walk but the downpour has convinced me inside exercises will be needed today. Guess that means housework, laundry and dusting, shit!

Good football games yesterday tho -- I fell asleep during one but managed to wake to see the end, which is always a good sign.  More football tonight, yay!!!

Hey, you all have a good day today, okay?  Keep smiling!!!

Bad Mood Remover

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!


1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.


2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.


3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take The Psycho Path



4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It (I love that one!)

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!



6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.


9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

2. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
 A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.


15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?! The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
(Hey, wait a minute, that's not funny)

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang, Whack!

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto--a True Story

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky. What you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. It mean someone stole tent."

***************

Well, its Saturday morning, a bit chilly outside but no snow. Now, we did have a five minute snow storm yesterday,kinda pretty but nothing stuck and it was all over before you get a camera ready!  Oh have no fear, we'll get the white stuff in quick order and then, haul out the snow shoes and hike in the woods.  Now this is one hell of a workout and quite fun too.

Once again, we are inviting our dau and grandson to join us for breakfast and then, on to grocery shopping.  Only this time I will bring a spare car key cuz I ain't gonna see us locked out of the car again...that performance is not worth repeating at least not for a long, long time.

Next week is a tad busy, what with doctor appointments and all but at some point, we really gotta get busy and get stuff wrapped and ready to mail to the Minnesota crew or it'll be late and nobody wants late Christmas gifts,right?  As for shopping, again I down to stock stuffers and perhaps a few things for good ole Dad but who knows, I could be done and that is fine with me too.

Have a lovely day and wishing the Warroad Squirt A team good luck on their weekend hockey game and trip...go team.

The Cowboy

The Gay Cowboy...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

I never knew....

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then, they kick him in the ice hole.

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

Biblical Tale

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets




Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when youcannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy.
And the Cat . . . didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Yay, its Friday

I saw this on Facebook and found it quite amusing, so I thought I'd share it...man, wouldn't it be fun to offer this when asked for a stool sample?

Well, its Friday, the last one for October and what is this crap, Sunday we set the clocks back an hour -- really, is it that time of year again...damn.

What is even more amazing is looking at the temp this morning, 23 degrees -- what the hell is this all about...oh, its the near end of Autumn and start of Winter, is that the story...shut your ass!!!

My darling kids are insisting I send a Wish List and if I don't they threaten to send my ugly underwear, ole suppositories and anything else they can find laying about the house that needs a new home.  The problem, I can't think of a damn thing I want other than photos of the grandkids...that is a wish all year and even more so during the Holiday season.  But I'd best come with something or I'll get this crap and trust, me I don't want any of it!!!

HUSBANDS

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'And they say blondes are dumb....

---------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.
------------ --------- -------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

--------- --------- --------- ----
Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
--------- --------- --------- -------
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

--------- --------- --------- -------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.........
......then He made the earth round.

Persimmons

A small church had a very attractive big-breasted organist and her breast were so large that they bounced and juggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size. She warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and made an announcement:

"Dew to thir cumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.
 

&%&&&&^^^^

 

Yes it is now October -- hello.  I know, September went by way too fast,right?  Plus, since we hit the first day of Autumn, the temps have slowly but steadily dropped and dammit, I gave up and attempted to turn the heat on last night.  I mean, come on, rain, wind and low temp, this house was damp and some heat would be a welcome relief.  However, I had a small problem: MY HEATER WOULD NOT CLICK ON!

 

Sunday morning my son-in-law came over, spent about five minutes on the heater and hurrah, I got heat.  Man, does it feel good to have that damp feeling removed and the house warm.  I do not want a "hot" or overly "warm" house, as I prefer it a little cooler but damp is not my idea of comfort.  Usually we set the temp at 68 for the winter and that's where it stays.  If company enters and stays and acts cold (some will flat out say, "damn girl, its like a friggin meat locker in here)--we'll crank up the heat. But as soon as they leave, its back to 68. We are not those clowns who crank the heat up and down all winter, no way.  It's really gotta be extremely cold for us to think 68 is not warm enough.

 

Oh remember me telling ya about Sensa --what? you don't remember?  Its that stuff you sprinkle on your food and you'll lose weight. Actually after a couple weeks, this stuff actually does tell your brain you are full and to stop eating.  However, in my case, it also caused me some major stomach aches and through a process of elimination (I mean, come on, tummy aches from beer is not possible) I elected to stop using it.  Now I am sending the stuff back and praying like crazy that my account is closed.  Sometimes these companies are not good about honoring your request to stop, no more, I'm done, this is it, close my account and stop asking!  Look, its really a case of this not working well with my doctor ordered meds...that's the real story.  But I did lose 4 pounds--or it could of been the case of diarrhea that caused this loss??? Laugh, that was a joke!!

 

So, this is Sunday, football games have entertained me most of the afternoon, and I'm sure there's more for this evening...yes, I am a football fan but I think my Steelers loss today---dammit!  Oh well, its early in the season and all is good.  Yes, its cold outside, windy, rainy and miserable but I did manage to get out for awhile -- not too long tho -- not exactly hiking weather.

Worms in Church

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol...Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke...Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup...Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil...Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!
 

This pretty much is what our weekend forecast is supposedly gonna be like, lots of rain..ugh.  This is also the weekend I head to Buffalo and again, the weather doesn't look all that friendly.  However, rain or not I shall have a good time and between my sister and I, we shall find plenty of places to keep Clint entertained and places to run off his excess energy!

The Talking Clock

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed ...

"You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

%$&&&&&

Do ya realize that tomorrow, Friday, Sep 23rd, is the first day of Autumn?  And the leaves are starting to change and I doubt this is due to stress as was the case earlier when folks notice leaf colors.

My sis-in-law and I headed to Clayton yesterday (we attempt to do lunch every Wednesday and find different places to check out).  It was a lovely drive and we also had a mission in place, find the River Rat Cheese outlet, which we did and yes, we bought cheese!

Clayton is a quaint little village and it had been years since I had visited but off tourist season is the best, you got the streets and shops pretty much to yourself and the weather was delightful.  We hoped to sit outside at Bella's Cafe, overlooking the St. Lawrence River but it was a tad chilly, so we opted to eat inside.  Good food, good service and good prices.  Then we walked around (walked off lunch) and checked out various shops...didn't buy anything but both of us repeatedly said, "I'm coming back here." 

The weather outlook is for rain today and its a tad overcast but damn, I really want to get in a morning walk, so I'd best get off this computer and just go before the rains hit, eh?  Have a lovely day.

Harlequin Novel, Updated...2011 Version

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.

And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine to my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . .




"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

What you thought it was gonna be something else, didn't you???

Sage Advice

Old Farmer's Advice from the South



“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks, lawyers, and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don't judge folks by their relatives.

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”

Buying a Mature Woman's Bathing Suit

The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman unknown)
When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure
was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.


Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks . Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer fatal whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan 's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a bathing suit!

Who Should I Marry

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)


You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. (Love this one, how true it is)
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is .......

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN FROM IRELAND

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big
garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would
that get me into heaven ?"

"NO !" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the grass,and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO !"

By now I was starting to smile. "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get into heaven ?"

Again, they all answered "NO !"

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, Then how can I get into heaven ?"

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD..."

It's a curious race, the Irish. Have a great day.

New High School Exit Exam

Ok, Let's try this.........

New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to
pass.
(Passing requires only 4 correct answers) 40% !

______________________________________



1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?


3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?



Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.



Check your answers below ....
___________________________

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs (canis)

7) Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson ( or red or pink)

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

_________________________________

What do you mean, you failed?

Join the crowd..........

Jumping On The Bed

Gotta love women~

I was at home happily jumping on my bed and squealing with delight.

Roger watches me for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"

I continue to bounce on the bed and say, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says

I have the breasts of a 25 year-old".

Roger said, "What did he say about your 62 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," I replied.

(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)....I love it.

^^%***&^*&&&&

Hello April, you finally arrived and with a 35 degree temp and what appears to be rain...light mist but rain nonetheless. And we are supposedly under a winter Advisory until sometime Saturday.  So April, the real question is are you gonna bring some warmer temps and can we honestly expect to see flowers too?  I know, I know, tulips are pushing up and trying damn hard to make their presence known but are you gonna cooperate? We have had enough cold weather, so please April, a little warmth would be so welcomed!!!

Good luck to Alex today and tomorrow as he plays in yet another Hockey tournament.  This kid is so popular and so good, he keeps getting selected for these teams and altho it may mean driving long distances, his parents see no problem with this.  Also, this go around they'll get to visit Tammy and on Monday Dean shall head down to the Mayo Clinic for his check-up -- pray for continued remission.

Riddle of the Day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.


Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Answer below

 
 
 
 
 
The answer is: 'A Last Name.'







You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?

Kenya Elephant Experience

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .



On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

Ya, go ahead and tell me you didn't laugh when you read this, thanks Susie this was just great.

Well, its Wednesday but not just any ole Wednesday, its Ash Wednesday.  Now some give up something for 40 days and others do something for40 days and some do nothing at all..neither give nor take.  As for me I am giving up sweets, by that I mean, candies, choc cakes, donuts, etc.  Fruit is still fine but gonna try to stay away from the sweet, sugary stuff.  Ya, wish me luck.

Yes, thank you so much for asking, I am doing quite nicely.  Had a minor set back as I attempted to rush this recovery process and pulled a stomach muscle (that sucker hurt for weeks, still aches a little even now).  But I am back to behaving and have become a firm believer in the fact that you (1) cannot rush this process and (2) slow and easy is the only route one can and should take. 

I do what I can, when my energy level allows and that is all I can do.  I still can't lift stuff, which includes my grandson but he accepts that now --thank goodness. And slowly I am starting to cook a few meals -- simple and easy but it feels good. Today with any luck its spaghetti with Italian bread -- yummy.  I don't eat much so this will be a good leftover meal for the weekend.

Have a good one and keep smiling.