Retirement Home Test

During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, how do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?"

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Ya, like you got that without reading all the way down...uh huh!  But you did smile, didn't ya?

O x y m o r o n s

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are going dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when it's only one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?
29. Why is toilet paper tiny squares and tissues big squares?

Whew -- quite a list, eh?

FYI: This shall be my last post while home, I am headed west tomorrow and with any luck (and time) and I can keep the blog updated in-between playing with the Grandkids...so you all behave, keep smiling and sure, keep reading this blog...what else entertains you for free?

Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

Mermaid or Whale

Recently, in large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID, OR A WHALE?"

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those ofthe woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curioushumans). They have an active sex life; they get pregnant and have adorablebaby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins --stuffing themselves with shrimp and other delicacies of the sea. They play and swim in the oceans, seeing exotic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are excellent singers and have even recorded CDs.They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in theworld.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of psychoanalysts due to an identity crisis. Fish or human? Human or fish? They can't have a sex life because they kill the men they lure close to them. Therefore, they can't experience the joys of motherhood. They are purported to be exceedingly vain and capricious. Not only that, who wants to be near a girl who smells like a fish market? The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S:We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who still makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends. With time, we gain weight, because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that, when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.

So, we aren't heavy; we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror, I will think, "OMG! Look how smart I am".