Pinch My Nipples

A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?';
In a huff, the woman says,'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'
The crowd broke into applause, and her money was quickly refunded!!

&&&&&&&

Well, tis the last day of January and I gotta say, this month has zoom along and brought us some really odd weather patterns, but mostly we have dealt with freezing rain and ice.  Our poor trees are bent over so badly that some just flat ass snapped and others, well, they may never return to an upright position. Two trees in my own yard have snapped and others are bent pretty low and hanging on for all they are worth, which ain't much.

 And in the course of all this ice, many lost power and learned how to live like a pioneer (no Internet -- how sad).  For kids "no school" which made them happy!  Plus, we have had lots of high winds and I mean, howling suckers -- ole Man Winter has blown things around good and I've seen bird feeders miles from where they originally hung and trash cans now gone forever.

Then the temp would go back up, hell we'd reach the high 30s and one day in the 40s and the birds came back --hungry, scared and anxious to check out various diners.  I am seeing cardinals, blue jays, chick-a-dees and those forever damn cackles.  No cackles in my yard tho.  Wait, I am not seeing Cardinals in my back yard, no yet.  They are timid little buggers but I have seen them at my son-in-law's yard and my sister-in-laws, so I just gotta be patient (not a strong trait).

Today Clint is with me and we got a few things planned.  For example, making Monkey Bread, this should be fun.  We also got a few things to paint, which is messy but fun  and of course, Meme got some new books to entertain him too.  I love having him spend the day with me, he is so busy and fun.  The only thing that would make this more fun was if the other grandkids were here, yes they are older but Ella just adores Clint as does Alex and they are so cute together.

Okay, time to get ready for my special package -- he is due any minute.  Have a lovely day..oh come on, its the last day of January and then, on to the shortest month.

Bewildered Cowboy

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River . He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.


Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.
 

&&&%&&&&&

 

Well, it is Monday morning and dark outside so I have no real "look" at the weather conditions.  However, my temp gauge is claiming 12 degrees but the high today,supposedly will be 39 (with some rain -- huh?).  Normally I kinda like rain, nothing makes for better sleeping sounds than rain falling on the roof but in winter, forget it. Rain means ice and ice means slippery roads and walks and that means, fall on your ass or walk like you are 100 years old.  Ice also makes everyone look the same age just because of how we walk!

 

Yes, thank you I had a lovely weekend.  Attempted to go swimming at the campus pool (again, supposedly it was free public swim time) only to learn it is next weekend...shit!  Fun proving my swim  suit still fit but also reminded me, "buy a new suit this season!"

 

Had fun hanging out with my grandson for an hour or so, then my dau and I headed to town to drive store clerks crazy as we did our shopping. It was a fun outing but frustrating for her. Seems like every time she goes on line to get a script filled, it never is ready because they have to wait until she reminds them they needed to add the grape flavoring.  WTH?

 

Yes of course I watched the football games, first the Patriots kick ass and finally the Giants got their act together and now, these two are headed for the Super Bowl. As my nephew says, I could care less who wins, I'll be wearing my Bronco jersey, eating good eats and drinking beer."  Gotta love his attitude!

 

So Monday, bring it on -- I may have two sick kids to watch -- grandson and his Mommy -- oh how fun is that -- slap both their asses in bed and tell them to sleep and rest.  And now for a little insight into how grandchildren perceive their grandparents:

 

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Male Strippers

Male Strippers


Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club .

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunatel y, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!

Didn't see that coming, did ya?

What's In the Box?

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check-out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog.”

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, “That smells like shit.”

The little old lady said, “It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper.”

So…………………………………. Don’t mess with old people!

The Black Bra

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door

Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this.....)

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Funny---$5.37

It could happen to any of us... This is so funny; I hope you enjoy it.

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to get some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind!"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus:

The car seat in the back seat.  Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach
growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He
was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.  The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!

*&^&**&^&^&*

Hope you all had a good weekend, I surely did and nothing is more fun that baking and making decorations with a grandchild.  And I don't care what age that kid is either.  Two year old are tons of fun. He loved baking those cake tops,well, he liked the decorating and tasting part best (smart kid).  Then later his Mommy and I went downtown to enjoy Norwood's Festival and, we were standing with everyone else, cold and wishing Santa would hurry up and wham, the parade began and there was Santa! Not sure about the turnout but it sure looked like many did show up and everyone had a good time.  The cold weather was a bit biting so we didn't hang around long but sufficient to know this was well organized and enjoyable.

Sunday night I gotta tell ya, I was a tad weary of football games, my eyeballs needed something else to watch for awhile. So I dug out ole home movies that I had converted onto a VHS tape.  Come on, watching Christmas 1996 was great fun and my parents were still alive and very active then too.  Even my older brother and his wife were on this tape and it was such a wonderful memory lane jolt I may just watch it again.  I need to find the tape of the Minnesota Christmases so I can watch that too.  I really miss the Minnesota kids --wish we all lived closer but hey, its the holidays we make do and its not like we don't see each other, we do.

So today I'm not real sure what's on my ticket, some baking for sure, maybe a trip to Massena to pick up a few gifts but before all that begins, once I can see daylight, I shall get in my morning walk  -- its around 32 degrees, so the thermals are on and I shall bundle up to stay warm.  My biggest concern is the road conditions...are they slick and if so, I need to don my skid protectors.  Sorry but I am no fan of falling on the hard ground and spraining or breaking some body part.  After all, this year I definitely am gonna snow shoe and perhaps, once again, try my luck with cross country skiing.

Heart Warming Story about the Elderly

When we get older we think differently, don't we?



This is a touching story. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio, forwards the following letter: The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank  you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless  you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she
would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's  way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely, Agnes Baker

The Green Thing

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

HEALTH MESSAGE

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me!

One Word or Two?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other
for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over
towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

Sage Advice

Old Farmer's Advice from the South

“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks, lawyers, and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don't judge folks by their relatives.

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”
“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”

Sage Advice

Old Farmer's Advice from the South



“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks, lawyers, and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don't judge folks by their relatives.

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”

Beware of Older Men

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.




She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.



On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.



Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?�



'About 32,' is the reply.



'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.



A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.



The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'



The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'



Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.



She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.



The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'



Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'



While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.



He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.



It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.



Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'



They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.



She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'



He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.



He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.



He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.



After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'



He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'



Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'



The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'



'I promise I won't,' she says.



'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Married 4 Times

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again  at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

&&&&&&&

Ya, its Sunday and it has rained all night and most of Saturday, so yes, its been damp, dreary and yet the birds keep on singing!  Supposedly we are in for a few more of these wet, dreary days -- how lovely.

In the meantime, we can sit back and read about all the failed marriages and how this one cheated on that one and how they think they have found someone to replace Charlie on Two and A Half Men.

Have a lovely day!

Wisdom

A guy is 76 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

Senior Health Care -- the Solution

Senior Health Care Solution




So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you, what do you do?



Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot two Congressmen and two illegal immigrants or a combination thereof!



Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered. And, as an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.



And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.



Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.



Is this a great country or what?

$2.99 Special

If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be......

The $2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

WE'VE been around the block more than once!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Looky what I found along side my deck the other day? Does this mean spring has finally arrived or this flower is being brave?

Ya, the rain is coming down here too, no wind tho but lemme ask ya, with all the damn flooding, did we really need this rain?  Need or not we got it, right?

I usually take morning walks, now that my energy and strength has returned, okay short walks but walks nonetheless.  Well, I don't mind a light mist ( I ain't gonna melt) but these damn downpours just don't make walking all that pleasant. And my mission is to find blooming pussy willows and I haven't found them yet either..damn!!!

Our son's latest Mayo Clinic report is great -- he remains in remission, praise the Lord. 

Not sure what is on my agenda today---walking is not on it but I'm thinking a trip to Wally world isn't completely out of the questions...surely I can find something to buy or hell, just walk the football field layout and consider that my walk for the day, eh?

Have a good one folks...life is damn good.



Truths for Mature Adults

1. Part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. [this depends pretty much on what your legacy is set up to be.]

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. (#1)

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories. I have a LOT of good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment, when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. ["legacy" and "good stories" fit in right about here.....for ALL of us. LOL]

16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?[does "yes, dear" fit in here?]

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty.Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. [I dont wear a watch, but that damned clock on the wall.....]

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time,every time!

Lighten Up -- Laugh Damnit

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..


As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..


He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?


'Heavens no, we bought it.'


'Then why don't you drive it away.'


We can't drive.'


Then why did you buy it?'


'We were told that if we bought a Used car here


We'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

The New Draft

Drafting Guys Over 60



This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...



New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!




I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.



For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.



Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.



An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.



If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.



Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.



They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.



Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.



An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.



These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.



Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.



HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??


Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.. They'll have it secured the first night!

Handicap Doors

Okay, I am all for these buttons that those who need them can push so the doors open for them. Hey, you don’t have to be totally handicapped to use these suckers and that’s no big deal.

However, I was in Watertown yesterday with my grandson, we got done shopping and I was leaving the store, pushed the handicap door opener and one set of doors opened nicely, allowing me and the stroller plenty of time and space to walk through. Now I am between doors and no freakin button and now, I gotta turn around, open the damn door and pull the stroller toward me and out the door. Who the shit came up with that stupid design? Isn’t one handicap button pushed supposed to open both doors?

As I’m struggling with the door, none to pleasantly I hasten to add, this lovely woman says; “hang on a sec, I will help you.” Oh goodie, my tantrum is cut short and I thanked her but made the comment about the stupid button and she replied, “Yes, it’s dumber than whale shit!” Gotta love those that help ole people!!!

Nice day shopping and Watertown is like a new world after being stuck in upstate and store after store has closed. Hey, I like Wal-Mart, truly I do, but I do get sick of that being my only option and the Mall, well, we still have some shops in there but damnit, some are upping prices to make up for lack of customers I think….ye gads!!!

BTW (that's by the way, in case you aren't into the new texting spelling) -- supposedly if you separate bananas they remain fresher longer -- who'd of thunk!  Gee, if I leave my beer uncorked, does it remain fresher longer too?  Screw it, I'm drinking the beer, as for the bananas, what the hell, separate them, who cares, gonna eat'em up pretty fast anyway!