Temper control for Grandparents
A woman in a supermarket is watching a grandfather and his badly-behaved 3-year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, the grandfather is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and the grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax, buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. This little shit's name is Kevin."
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Sage Advice
“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”
“Keep skunks, lawyers, and bankers at a distance.”
“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”
“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”
“Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.”
“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”
“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”
“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”
“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”
“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”
“Every path has a few puddles.”
“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”
“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”
“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”
“Don't judge folks by their relatives.
“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”
“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”
“Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”
“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”
“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”
“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”
“Always drink upstream from the herd.”
“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”
“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”
“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”
“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”
“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”
Beware of Older Men
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?�
'About 32,' is the reply.
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't,' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?�
'About 32,' is the reply.
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't,' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Buying a Mature Woman's Bathing Suit
When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure
was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks . Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer fatal whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan 's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fitted, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a bathing suit!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Paraprosdokian
I had to look up paraprosdokian.
Here is the definition: "It is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part." Paraprosdokians are frequently used in a humorous situation. "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
Ok, so now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Words of Wisdom
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
Here is the definition: "It is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part." Paraprosdokians are frequently used in a humorous situation. "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
Ok, so now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Words of Wisdom
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Tractor Ride
Regardless of the age, boys like tractors and "big" toys, like back hoes, bull dozers, dump trucks, etc. My 18 month old grandson is just learning how to drive his tractor...hasn't got the steering down, way to interested in watching the wheels go around. Take a look...kinda cute:
He really is a big helper at the grocery store and very careful, courteous and good natured about pushing his small shopping cart. What a kid!! Wish my other grandkids lived closer, had a great time with them earlier in the month but miss they so much.
Ride in the big tractor
Vacuuming the garage
This is one busy little boy and loves being outside. He also likes to use the water hose...unfortunately, he hasn't quite got the full purpose and tends to hose grammie, the deck and misses the plants and his little garden. But hey he will learn.
Friday, June 10, 2011
How to Kill Mosquitoes
You may be aware of this, but I thought it was worth looking at again “How to Kill Mosquitoes - NOT A JOKE “ I can't wait to try this in the summer!
I was at a deck party awhile back, and the bugs were having a ball biting everyone. A man at the party sprayed the lawn and deck floor with Listerine, and the little demons disappeared. The next year I filled a 4-ounce spray bottle and used it around my seat whenever I saw mosquitoes. And voila! That worked as well. It worked at a picnic where we sprayed the area around the food table, the children's swing area, and the standing water nearby. During the summer, I don't leave home without it....Pass it on.
OUR FRIEND'S COMMENTS: I tried this on my deck and around all of my doors. It works - in fact, it killed them instantly. I bought my bottle from Target and it cost me $1.89. It really doesn't take much, and it is a big bottle, too; so it is not as expensive to use as the can of Bug-spray you buy that doesn't last 30 minutes. So, try this, please. It will last a couple of days. Don't spray directly on a wood door (like your front door), but spray around the frame. Spray around the window frames, and even inside the dog house. EARTH FRIENDLY TOO!!!
Update: I did spray this around my deck and yes, the skeeters died, but even more interesting was my grandson who decided he wanted to "taste" this spray bottle. Take a look and tell me, does he like Listerine or not?
![]()
I was at a deck party awhile back, and the bugs were having a ball biting everyone. A man at the party sprayed the lawn and deck floor with Listerine, and the little demons disappeared. The next year I filled a 4-ounce spray bottle and used it around my seat whenever I saw mosquitoes. And voila! That worked as well. It worked at a picnic where we sprayed the area around the food table, the children's swing area, and the standing water nearby. During the summer, I don't leave home without it....Pass it on.
OUR FRIEND'S COMMENTS: I tried this on my deck and around all of my doors. It works - in fact, it killed them instantly. I bought my bottle from Target and it cost me $1.89. It really doesn't take much, and it is a big bottle, too; so it is not as expensive to use as the can of Bug-spray you buy that doesn't last 30 minutes. So, try this, please. It will last a couple of days. Don't spray directly on a wood door (like your front door), but spray around the frame. Spray around the window frames, and even inside the dog house. EARTH FRIENDLY TOO!!!
Update: I did spray this around my deck and yes, the skeeters died, but even more interesting was my grandson who decided he wanted to "taste" this spray bottle. Take a look and tell me, does he like Listerine or not?
He make me laugh so hard!
Wrinkled Butt
How the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while
Slicing salami at work,
He blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day
For 40 years and die of lung cancer,
Your family blames the
Tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes
Into a tree while driving home drunk,
He blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are
Brats without manners,
You blame television.
If your friend is shot by a
Deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer ..
And if a crazed person breaks
Into the cockpit and
Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,
And the passengers
Kill him instead,
The mother of the crazed deceased
Blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to
Understand the world
So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED BUTT
As it is anymore.
Is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to
Now you all have a nice day...it is Friday, the weekend is ahead and life remains good!!!
Blame Bill Gates.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Alex's Nightcrawler Business
The worms are collected by headlamp-wearing hunters. The worms come out from the ground only at night (or when the ground is deeply saturated following a decent rain fall).
Once caught, they need to be counted and placed in containers that have worm food (or something akin to worm food). A dozen per container is the game plan. Then, kept in a cool place (preferable not Mom's refrigerator) until they can be sold. This enterprising young man, sells them for $2 a dozen (which is a good price) and he has a contract with the local sport's shop for ten dozen per week. Now if it does not rain, he merely soaks the yard and waits! He is not akin to digging for them either...but its much more fun to have them pop up at night and he grabs them!
Ready for Action
Good luck with your business Alex and have a great summer but also remember to read books...that is important too.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Left Nest, went West and Came Back
Before you ask and shake your heads, yes we drove and while gas prices were interesting, most places were cheaper than here. For example, the lowest we found was $3.59 and the highest $4.14, mostly we were able to pump in the 3 dollar range...which ain't too shabby!!!
It amazes me that no matter where you travel, there is a repeat of names for streets, counties, roads, etc. I mean, come on, we half expect each town to have a Main street, right? But when the same names show up in different states, it makes you wonder "what, they couldn't find their own damn name?" However, we only saw one Cobbledick Road -- interesting!!!
Speaking of weather -- once we left NY it got nice here and we drove in rain and chilly stuff until we got to our son's place and then, we brought them one day of sunshine. Most of the time it was rainy and chilly. As we needed sweatshirts and/or coats, the locals were quick to assure us it was not that cold (bull -- 45 is cold in my book).
The real purpose of our visit was to witness and help celebrate our oldest grandson's graduation from High School.
Here is a photo board his Mother made and we all got to enjoy at his graduation party as well as a DVD with songs and photos of him from day ONE.
The party was wonderful,his parents did a bang up job and whilst it was chilly, they had plenty of food and even a portable heater under the tent for us clowns who found the weather cold. As for Kyle, he was gracious, attentive and very appreciative of everything. Greeting his guest, spending time at each table, willing to endure the numerous photo requests and just beaming with a huge smile. Perhaps the most exciting thing is his excitement about attending college in the Fall.
Okay, not to bore you too much I shall end here with the fact that we are back from our trip, thanks kids for a wonderful time, to Jim and Luella thanks for the great dinner on Monday and to make the end of trip complete. Came home to discover our hot water heater has bit the dust and needs to be replaced - hello vacation world! The next blog will contain more pictures of the "night crawler Seller and hockey tournament in Fargo. For now, here's a photo of the youngest grandchild, happy to see his grandma.
I miss you Grandma!
Having seen photos of me and having lost weight, it is clear I need new clothes. My tops are literally hanging off me and I look like a slob...or someone with no attire sense at all. So along with getting potty soil and plants (for my flower pots) I seriously need to buy clothes that fit....ya think!!!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Minnesota and Cold
Ya, its now the first of June but northern Minnesota did not get the memo and the damn rain and chilly weather continues. It is 46 degrees--holy crap.
However we were here to witness our oldest grandson's graduation from HS and it was wonderful. The party, that his parents planned, was awesome and he was most gracious about greeting people and thanking them for coming to his party...he was truly sweet about this and it was duly noted.
The grad and his Mom...both were happy and proud.
The photo on the right is Alex and Nick, while everyone else was celebrating the accomplishments of the graduate, these two were getting night-crawlers. Which Alex would sell the next day and then, he was about to start his own summer business. He would collect night-crawlers and sell them to the local bait shop. Monday night he (with help of his Grandpa Cass and Daddy) managed to collect 19 dozen.
With all this rain, the foolish worms come up and you merely grab'em and he's damn fast and the worms don't stand much chance of ducking back into the ground.
Now Miss Ella and I, were are content to play pictureka and go to the local stores looking for "girlie"stuff. When we head to Fargo I have been advised she loves some store, Claire's, and this supposedly really brings out the girl in the girl. Lemme tell ya, she is a doll and so much fun.
More updates as they occur. Yes, good trip and fun hanging with my son and daughter-in-law. Keep smiling folks.
However we were here to witness our oldest grandson's graduation from HS and it was wonderful. The party, that his parents planned, was awesome and he was most gracious about greeting people and thanking them for coming to his party...he was truly sweet about this and it was duly noted.
The photo on the right is Alex and Nick, while everyone else was celebrating the accomplishments of the graduate, these two were getting night-crawlers. Which Alex would sell the next day and then, he was about to start his own summer business. He would collect night-crawlers and sell them to the local bait shop. Monday night he (with help of his Grandpa Cass and Daddy) managed to collect 19 dozen.
With all this rain, the foolish worms come up and you merely grab'em and he's damn fast and the worms don't stand much chance of ducking back into the ground.
Now Miss Ella and I, were are content to play pictureka and go to the local stores looking for "girlie"stuff. When we head to Fargo I have been advised she loves some store, Claire's, and this supposedly really brings out the girl in the girl. Lemme tell ya, she is a doll and so much fun.
Ella & Kyle
More updates as they occur. Yes, good trip and fun hanging with my son and daughter-in-law. Keep smiling folks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)