The Cowboy

The Gay Cowboy...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

I never knew....

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then, they kick him in the ice hole.

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

Happy Thanksgiving

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his behind and let him go!'

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.

May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

************

It is early Wednesday morning, how early -- no daylight yet!  Yet I can see, from street lights, etc, that we got us a "dusting" last night and it's still kinda slushy-rain out there;however the temp is hovering around 35 degrees and slowly climbing.  I just don't want this to get nasty because the Syracuse group won't wanna travel in this crap and I wanna see my sister, niece and nephew.

Really miss the Minnesota family and I mean, miss them.  We rarely have shared Thanksgiving together as it is just to dang far but one of these days, maybe they can trek here and have this holiday with us.

Friday Auntie and I shall watch Clint so Kel and Meg can do that Black Friday madness, us ole gals ain't into that scene.  We'll probably hit two stores with Clint and call it good...come back here and play games and wait for him to take a nap, which may see us doing the same.

My daughter made this made to honor her adopted Aunt and we are wishing her positive thoughts and prayers as she continues to fight brain cancer.





Turkey Day, Shopping, Time Out Chair

Okay, we all have our memories of Thanksgiving, including the wish to one day sit at the big table and no longer be stuck at the kid's table, right? Well, I gotta tell ya, when I finally reached the age when I could be at the big table I was totally irked because (1) the little table got served first, (2) once seated at the big table, it was pretty crowded and you could hardly move and heaven forbid if you had to get out and (3) grown ups have this knack of keeping at least one serving dish constantly moving from person to person, it never ever hits the table.

Sunday we invited out daughter and grandson to join us for lunch and then grocery shopping, and as she needed items too, this was a good plan. Well, enroute to the store the boy fell asleep so we decided Dad and Dau would shop and I would sit in the car with the sleeping boy, when he woke up, we'd go get some lunch or as we intended to hit two grocery stores, he could be awake that outing, right?  Come on two years old, grocery store, shopping cart, what's not to like!!!

Five minutes after they walked into Hannaford's he woke up,so I got him out, locked the car and went looking for the shoppers.  Oh shit, Grandpa had left the keys in the ignition and now we were locked out...lovely.  So call triple A and wait an hour, during which time, we kept buying stuff, checking out, coming back in and by now even Hannaford had to wonder what in hell was wrong with us.  Oh well, car unlocked, groceries in the car, now let's get lunch. Oh crap, the two places we wished to go were  closed -- screw it, we're gonna go home and make sandwiches.  On the trip back, the boy fell asleep again and this time, he wasn't gonna wake up for a good two hours. And this my friends is what is known as memories!!!

Now the other day our grandson informed us the time out chair was broke. He uses this chair to reach the sink in the bathroom so he can wash his hands and brush his teeth.  Grandpa puts him in this chair if he misbehaves but Meme tends to use a box in his kitchen play room as his time out area (my sister says, "can you see him at school, when they tell him he's in time out...where in hell is my box?).  So as this chair has a crack it needs repair and Papa and Clint are gonna fix it.  Now, before you get to goofy about this, this chair has been in our family for years and I mean years, my son is 42 and he remembers sitting in the time out chair.  The photos below show you how this repair went:

Happy Thanksgiving to all and remember your blessing and be sure to thank those serving in our military.

Biblical Tale

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets




Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when youcannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy.
And the Cat . . . didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Some Days.......

Ever have one of those days when for awhile, everything is going just right?  I mean, you get things done, which amaze you that it was that simple to do, you run errands and while you're getting a tad tired, you still feel you want to do more?  Ya, it was that kind of day yesterday.

Weather was absolutely beautiful, in the mid-60s and even the breeze was half way warm, I still needed a light coat tho --my internal thermostat is off whack since my surgery.  I had blood work done early, and I gotta laugh, the band aid put on my arm to stop any bleeding was HUGE.  Hell, it was bigger than some surgical cover-ups! Cracked me up!  Then I went to get some food, fasting is the pits, and finally over to Hanaford's for the lovely 49 cents a pound turkeys.  Only one per customer but hell, at that price, shop a couple days in a row, eh?  Now, I only wanted a 12-pound turkey, already have a 24 pounder for my dau to cook on turkey day. Ended up with a 16-pound sucker and for reasons I still am puzzled about, that sucker was heavy and just damn awkward to pick up and put in the cart.  Even worse was getting it into my freezer once I got home (I did it but it was just awkward).

Gonna try this idea for baking the turkey, you ready for this? No-baste, no-bother turkey.  Clean, wash and dry turkey, stuff cavity with 2 stalks of celery, 1 carrot and one medium-size sweet onion half. Now you preheat the oven to 500.  You rub butter, salt and pepper inside the cavity and outside. Put on roasting rack and add 2 cups of boiling water (ya cover the sucker too).  When oven temp returns to 500, cook for one hour.    Then, this is where it gets wild, turn off the oven and do not open door until oven cools (4 to 6 hours).  Remove turkey from roasting pan; reserve pan juices and that's it, a nice moist turkey, let set, then carve and serve or refrigerate if you want to eat it later.  How simple is this?

I love Thanksgiving, its my favorite holiday and all the cooking and preparing is just part of the fun.  For the past few years my dau has been preparing this meal and that is fine, I still get to contribute, which makes it even more fun.  However, we like to have our own turkey to nibble on the next day, hence the 16 pound extra turkey!  Ya, like you didn't have that figured out, eh?

By the way, remember when you had to sit at the little table?  I often wonder if people still do this because now, I don't see any "kid's table," everyone gathers round the dining room table and squeezes for space.  Tell ya what, once seated, you're stuck because getting up for any reason, would mean five other people would also need to move and that ain't gonna happen without some nasty comments, like; "damn, woman, didn't you go before you climbed in there?"  Or "whatta mean, you gotta get another beer, ask someone, they'll get you one, sit down you dumb jerk!"

Here's an interesting tidbit to make your day:  What is the food most often stolen to taken from a grocery store? Cheese, can you believe it?  Rates right up there with learning Brad Pitt plans to stop acting in three years (got enough money I guess) and instead, he wants to direct and/or write movies...how quaint!

Ya, ya, back to the lovely day and how it quickly changes.  I was returning the crib I had borrowed to my sister-in-law (who is currently in Germany) and hoped her grandson would be there to help me unload it.  He wasn't but no big deal, I figured I'd back up closer to the back door to make this a tad easier. Shit and double shit, I ran into her garage (didn't do any damage to it,) but smashed my tailight. Now I gotta get this sucker replaced and it was a lovely day until this incident!

Health Message

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me!

Thank You

Today should be a day that needs to be celebrated every day as we thank all our Veterans, current, past and those who gave all for this great nation.

In 1967, I went to Vietnam and I gotta tell ya, yes I was scared and at the same time, felt it was the right thing to do and I needed to be there.  I saw things I never wish to see again and lost some truly amazing people but I also made some great friends and to this day, we are able to thank God we are still here and proud of our service.

I don't necessarily like remembering the various battles, the TET Offensive or the horrors of children discarded like trash or the way females were considered inferior and useless, so they were treated bad too.  But I also recall the beauty of that land, the people and the art.  There is something sad when all you hear is about destruction and no hope because we fought to give hope a chance and I'd like to think, in some small way, I did provide hope for some.

To all you serve and continue to serve, both stateside and overseas THANK YOU!

Funny Holy Humor

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up.."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 . She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past) For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

THE BIBLE
Did you know that.. When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache. When you open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints. Let's read the Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one day he'll have a stroke and never wake up.

How the Fight Started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started..


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible.."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

Apple

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?


I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

November

Ah, November is here and after Halloween, we must do something with all those apples, so the best method is having a two year old peel them:





He really thought this was quite fun...loved how he told me to "just eat it" as he shoved it into my mouth.   Needless to say, two fun days with my grandson but today he is back to daycare.  However, I will pick him up for his Mommy around 3 so she can attend some meeting.

_______________________________________________________________

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

Observations On Growing Older

~Your Kids are becoming you...and you don't like them!

~Going Out is good.. Coming Home is better!

~You Forget names .... But it's OK because other people forgot they Even knew you!!!

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... Especially Golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's Called " Pre-sleep".

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" Switch..

~You tend to use more 4 letter words .. "what?".... "when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You notice everything sold in stores is "sleeveless" !!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody Whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired .. You'd give anything if he'd find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived !