The Cowboy

The Gay Cowboy...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

The Deaf Wife

The Deaf Wife Problem




Dave feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.



Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.



The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.



"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."



That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."



Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"



No response.



So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Peg, what's for dinner?"



Still no response.



Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"



Again he gets no response.



So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"



Again there is no response.



So he walks right up behind her. "Peg, what's for dinner?"



(I just love this)



"For God’s sake, Dave, for the FIFTH time, its CHICKEN!"

Fred's Funneral

Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ""Hey, Fred! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Fred. "He's in my bowling league."

 When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts t o rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Freddie.

 Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

 Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.

 Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.  Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Fred's funeral will be on Saturday.

Irish Alzheimers

A CASE OF IRISH ALZHEIMER'S



Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"




Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really loved that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."



The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"



Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"



Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.

Christmas Golf

Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.



His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they've lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the ass and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf ' and she said ..... "Take a sweater."

The Desert Island

One day a man decided to retire.

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches , and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree ."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you ," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada ?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. " You mean..." , he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, " You've built a golf course?"  [why did I see something like this coming?]

Wal-Mart

Sorry someone sent me this and I thought it was funny, hence I am posting...ya hug you too!!!

A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.


She asked, 'What size condoms?'
The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did so.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did so.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of Medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did so. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...




(you'll love this one...................) 




'Cleanup, Register 5'

&^*%$)*()&*

Well, this month seems to have a way of doing things its way, doesn't it?  I mean, its freaking August and we have temps in the low-40's at night, then we get rain, humid, muggy weather with temps in the high 80s during the day.  Oh ya, toss in some fog and wind and we are just have a bloody blast.

On top that, the friggin leaves are changing -- ya, you know what that means -- Autumn is close at hand...don't even say, early winter, give me a break.

So my next outing, if all goes as planned, is to head down to Syracuse and visit the State Fair. Hey, if its hot and humid, forget it, actually visiting my sister is the real outing.  That includes her taking me to the Clam Shack so I can, once again, get my seafood fix too.  And this time my dau and grandson may come with -- so it'll be a busy, fun trip.  I am not a ciTAY girl, but I don't mind a couple days and hanging with my sister is always fun.

After that I think I get to stay home a bit but then, I shall accompany my dau on her college admission counselor road trip -- that's a month or more and with me along, we can take the baby and she is a happy Mommy. So, that is how my summer is going.

Men

MEN!!!!




One day my housework-challenged husband decided
To wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the
washing machine?'


'It depends,' I replied.


'What does it say on your shirt?'


He yelled back, 'DALLAS COWBOYS'! '


And they say blondes are dumb....


---------------------------------------------------------------


A couple are lying
in bed... The man says,
'I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world..'


The woman replies,
'I'll miss you........


----------------------------


'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.


------------------------------------- ------


Q: What do youcall an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour


-------------------------------------------


Dear Lord,


I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN


-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy..
---------------------------------------------


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
Calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------------------------------------


Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?


A: It helps them remember which end to wipe...


-------------------------------------------


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?


A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

It Happened at Home Depot

A Home Depot Story !

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. [she was drop dead gorgeous and wearing a top that definitely enhanced her body, if you get my meaning]

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"


The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.


Mary exclaimed, "My goodness that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.


From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"




Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."






This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!!!

Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.The waitress asks them for their orders.The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That willbe $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"asks the waitress."No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato anda salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me,sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact changein your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic andfound an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man..

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Northern Duck Hunters

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO> STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $860.00). He and a friend go duck> hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float in. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the> Navigator), decide on the following course of action: They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, The GUNS, and the DOG...? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it: The dog takes off across the ice at a> high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.

The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming. One> hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" ! ! ! The truck is destroyed and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by Illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $860.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. . .doing fine.

And you thought Rednecks only live in the South...

Love Dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained..

'Love dress? But you're naked!

''Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.'What are you doing?' he asked...

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?

Adam

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'

God explained it to him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a river?'God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'After God explained, he said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a woman?'So God explained that to him, too.Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under his breath), 'Geez.....'And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,into the cave, and finds the woman..

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'

And Adam said....

**(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)*****

'What's a headache?'

Do You Fart in Bed?

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years?

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room.The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was. He said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you'.'

What do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. But by the grace of god, with some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in."

I strongly suggest if you have this problem (and who doesn't) you might want to sleep with one eye open!

Italian Lover

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear: "No, I Norwegian."

Son of a Gun, Blonde Men

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.

He arrests him for indecent exposure.As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff .... I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. ''

And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist

GREAT CHUCKLES

PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.

6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

10. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

Fred

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name."

"Fred" he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer let him go without even a warning.

COWS, GOLF, AND A WIFE

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.'

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'

'I don't remember much after that...'

Wanna be 6 again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.