Health Message

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me!

The Weenie Test

Three 3rd Graders: an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?

"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen!"

&&&&&&&

So, let me update you on my so called fitness madness.  As many of you know, surgery kept me from snow shoeing this past winter and many other forms of exercise.  I wasn't the most patient and resumed exercising a bit too early and managed to pull an abdominal muscle, so I was back to square one. Anyway, I did get back to walking, three days a week and doing about 2.5 miles each time.  It's not a speed walk mind you,but a nice pace that allows me to enjoy the walk and keeps me outside.

Anyway, having heard alot about Zumba dancing, I decided to purchase the Wii Zumba Dance program.  Please keep in mind, I have three left feet and damn little rhythm, I mean, I like to think I do but I don't (ya, like none of you have this same issue???).  Anyway, I hook it up and we do these tutorials.  Boring as hell, but at the same time, helpful.  Mirror the instructor and as she turns green this indicates you are doing things correctly and burning up energy - huh?  I want to burn calories and lose weight not burn up energy!!!

Eventually I got sick of the tutorial and started the actual dance program. First I learned I was taking way too big steps and yes, they expect me to move my legs, ass, arms and somehow do all this to a rather catchy tune too.  The real trick is to just relax, let yourself go and have fun...of course, in the privacy of your own home this is possible. I cannot imagine doing this in front of other people!!!  But does it work?  Tell ya, what it is fun, that is important and I do believe it will tone and help me to lose weight or at the very least maintain my stamina and energy level.  I do not wish to become a slug...slugs are no fun.

So with any luck toward the end of the month I shall head to Buffalo, see Niagara Falls, hang out with my daughter, grandson and friends, then back to Syracuse and take in the State Fair. That should pretty much end my traveling for the summer I think. Still hoping to try out my inflatable kayak before the summer ends too.

Yup, life is good  and I remain on this side of the dirt...keep smiling!!

This is the new seat belt law...gotta love it.



When I Die Sell My Stuff

The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is...


Dianne and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff.."
Dianne looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

%%%%%%%%

Love my talented daughter's Bunny cakes!  I was suppose to help her but after shopping (grocery) and playing with my grandson, I was pooped and went home.  However as you can see, she did not need my help!

Yes, we had a lovely meal and great fun.  Now I can get serious about dropping ten more pounds.  Hide the damn jelly beans and keep those candies outta sight. 

Plus, Monday looks like the sun will bless us and the temp, currently is 40 degrees, so I can definitely get in my morning walk -- hurrah!  Like I said, I gotta get serious about this weight business and its not just weight, fitness is also important now that I am able to walk a bit further and my energy level has increased a bit. Still am unable to lift anything over 5 pounds but that will happen in due course as well.

Have a lovely day.  Oh hell, just smile and pretend its a lovely day!!

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!



Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!



Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.



This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

_______________________________

THURSDAY:

Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..

________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Fitbie

Quick-Hit Weight Loss Strategies



Pick Pistachios

Researchers from University of Eastern Illinois say that when people eat this snack twice a week, they’re less likely to gain weight than those who don’t. What food is it?
In a nutshell, the study also found that people who snacked on in-shell pistachios ate 50 percent less than those who ate the shelled kind, yet they reported feeling just as full and satisfied. What other snacks are good for weight loss?

Give Yourself a Mini-Manicure

Sometimes a few simple tricks can curtail mindless snacking. “Do a quick 30-second manicure in the evening,” says Dawn Jackson Blatner, RD, author of The Flexitarian Diet and spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association. “A coat of clear nail polish just makes it harder for you to stick your hand into a bag of chips.” What other small rewards can be used for reaching your weight loss goals?

Slice Your Food

Can good manners help you slim down? Exhibit A for why table manners ought to make a comeback: Cutting your food into smaller portions slows down your food intake, and it also visually tricks you to think that you’re eating more. Researchers from Japan’s National Food Research Institute found that people thought piles of sliced meats and veggies were 27 percent larger than when the food was kept in one piece. Satiety is affected by visual cues, so making your portions appear larger will help you feel satisfied with less.

Weigh Yourself Daily

Think you can guesstimate how well you’re losing weight? Study after study shows that regularly stepping on the scale can help you drop pounds. How much more weight? People who log weekly and daily weigh-ins lose about 12 to 18 pounds more than those who check less frequently, concludes a review study in the International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity. [personally I can't imagine starting every day madder than hell because my weight hasn't changed...once a week weight rage is sufficient in my book]
Just Add Flax

Sprinkle this healthy extra on your oatmeal, casserole, or soup for a light, nutty kick, says Sari Greaves, RD, spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association and Nutrition Director at Step Ahead Weight Loss Center in Bedminster, NJ. The extra fiber will help fill you up for only 35 calories a tablespoon, and you’ll get the added benefits of heart-healthy omega-3 fatty acids.

Dress Down

Take advantage of Casual Friday. A University of Wisconsin, La Crosse study found that people who wear jeans to work take 491 more steps a day than those in business wear. How many calories could you burn if you walked for 30 minutes a day? [as I am retired, any more dressing down and I'm running around naked...not a good scene!]

Brush Immediately After Dinner

Tap into years of Pavlovian training (watch videos of Pavlov’s theories), and brush your teeth soon after you’ve finished supper. Traditionally, brushing your teeth is a signal to stop eating, explains Blatner, so you’re primed to resist after-hours snacking. The essence of peppermint has been reported to suppress appetite, and cleaning your chompers with strong-tasting toothpaste may help distract your taste buds from craving another flavor. Try these other tips to curb late night snacking. [ya many places provide brush and spit cup for your convenience...have at it!]

Add Air

Whipped versions of classic foods contain more air per volumetric unit, so you’re eating fewer calories per serving. (Bing: Can high-water foods help?) Choose whipped yogurt over the regular kind (save 30 calories) or whipped butter over sticks (save 50 calories). But remember, this doesn’t mean whipped cream is a health food. See how many calories in whipped cream. [does farting count?]

Make Your Own Salad Dressing

Bottled dressings can be a nutritional nightmare—even 2 tablespoons of blue cheese dressing packs about 140 calories and 14 grams of fat. Instead, mix together a quick dressing that’s 2 parts lemon juice to 1 part oil. (Bing: What’s the calorie count for your favorite dressing?) Pour your homemade vinaigrette into a spray bottle and spritz on your

Try Acupressure on Your Ear

Place your hunger on hold: The next time you have a hankering for a Mars bar, take your thumb and forefinger and squeeze the flap of skin that juts out by your ear canal (not your earlobe). Activating this pressure point may help curb cravings, says Blatner. [I did this and people gave me funny looks, oh wait, my ear,not their ear, sorry]

Switch Seats at the Dinner Table

Cornell researchers examined the eating habits of diners at a Chinese buffet and found that the fattest patrons tended to sit facing the serving area, while the skinniest sat with their backs to the food. Just seeing that you can get seconds may encourage you to eat more, so sit strategically during mealtime. Same goes for when you’re mixing and mingling at a party—talk facing away from the tables of food. Need more tips on how to avoid overeating at a party? [forget buffets, I sit in front of the TV set, no food teasing me to go for seconds]

Trade Mayonnaise for Hummus

Hold the mayo and slap on some hummus instead, advises Greaves. The chickpea spread is just as creamy as mayonnaise, but you’ll save yourself about 70 calories per tablespoon. [has anyone actually tasted this stuff????]

Place a Measuring Cup in Your Pantry

Rather than eyeball portions, place a measuring cup in your pantry so that you’ll know exactly how much you’re doling out, recommends Blatner. Keep a serving of cereal to one cup, a portion of dry macaroni to ¼ cup. Check out these portion size examples.

Phone a Friend

Reach for the phone, not the potato skins, the next time you’re feeling blue. Emotional eating can spiral out of control really fast, so instead of turning towards food for a pick-me-up, dial a friend to vent or schedule some Frisbee to blow off some steam. (Bing: Tips on how controlling emotional eating--[ya, I call my friend and we snack while chatting, works great!]

So once again, I am attempting to help you lose weight with these tips...hey, I just copied them from some site.  My personal fitness advice is and always has been -- WALK!!  You do know how to walk, right?  Just friggin walk. Set your own pace and just walk.  You'll be amazed and how much you lose and feel better, again, set your own pace, this isn't a damn race.

Exercise

Exercises



The Doc told me to start an exercise program.

Not wanting to harm this body, I've devised the following:

MONDAY

Beat around the bush

Jump to conclusions

Climb the walls

Wade through the morning paper

TUESDAY

Drag my heels

Push my luck

Make mountains out of mole hills

Hit the nail on the head

WEDNESDAY

Bend over backwards

Jump on the Band Wagon

Run around in circles

THURSDAY
Advise the staff on how to run the store

Toot my own horn..

Pull out all the stops..

Add fuel to the fire..

FRIDAY
Open a can of worms..

Put my foot in my mouth..

SATURDAY


Start the ball rolling..

Go over the edge..
Pick up the pieces..

SUNDAY

Kneel in prayer..

Bow my head in thanksgiving..

Uplift my hands in praise..

Hug someone and encourage them..




What a Workout!

Warn Your Friends

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.

And then the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX! This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed woke up and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart. These same thieves come in my closet and shrink my clothes!

******************

For those who are keeping up, my fitness routine has become an obsession. I mean, I actually feel like shit if I don't exercise or at the very least guilty! Ya, go for the latter. This morning I finally succeeded in a goal I had set for myself this year. Go ALL THE WAY AROUND Norwood Lake. [this would be known as LakeShore Drive]

First it was up and over Norwood hill (this would be the hill headed toward Potsdam or if coming from Potsdam, the hill that leads into the village). Then I crossed over at the Lobster House and began the long walk around. I have one small problem -- it's called a bladder. It does not take kindly to these long hauls without an occasional stop and in due course it must be emptied.

In case you are wondering, there are no public toilets along this route and folks are still pretty nasty if you squat in their yard. So, women (and men too for that matter) are inclined to duck into the woods. The first time was not all that bad but the second spot was something I doubt I will see again in my life time. I really had to pee, and I mean, the potty dance wasn't gonna stop this from happening, so get in the woods, whip those pants down, squat and let'r go, right? I look up and I am "eyeball-to-eyeball" with a deer. No shit, a deer. I remained in the squat and hoped this 4-legged creature would move on and it did...I can hear him telling his mates this story as they gather to snuggle down for the night and how they laughed like fools!

The point is, I made it around the Lake -- I ended up with three freakin blisters but I made it. Cross that off my goal list. Hey, I said ONCE I would like to go around the Lake, well, I have done that - end of story.

I still believe bathroom scales lie, so I don't rely on them very much. However I can admit that I have toned up and have lost inches --proof of that is dropping a size -- hurrah! Come on, I walk 2 or 3 miles three times a week, I workout at Curves 3 times a week and normally I am also using the Wii Active workout which is a 30-day challenge workout. This one puts you thru your paces for two days and then, thankfully gives you a rest day and you do this for 30-days. I tried to up the intensity level and was humbled fast and went directly back to the low intensity level -- trust me, this was sufficient to kick ass.

My routine has become habit forming and its one habit I actually enjoy. When the icky weather gets here and icy sidewalks make walking bad, I shall snowshoe which is also a good workout and great fun. Plus I will have a grandson to keep me busy too -- now that's gonna be a great workout!

Fitness vs. Weather

Yes, I know, you are sick of this wet stuff and wonder what in hell happened to those summers when we actually had sunshine, warmth and wished for rain! Well, it ain’t happening so get over it and move on, ok?

A friend suggested I try the Wii Active program. Now, remember I have the Wii Fit program and was doing that during the cold weather but – well – the warmer weather was seeing me more outside and I just did not use this program on – plus I went on trips, etc. Ya, Ya, any excuse to justify why I quit is what you're thinking and you're right! Happy?

Now Wii Active is slightly different (it’s also cheaper) and this is – sorry folks—a kick ass workout! There is no other way to say or write that – it just flat out kicks ass! The 30-day workout program focuses on particular exercises and body parts on different days, while the intensity gradually increases as you get going.

The exercises themselves are grouped into four categories - cardio, upper body, lower body and sports. Players will almost always take part in running [the “guide” makes you want to slap her down as she reminds you run faster or set a good pace – hey, Sweetheart, if I could run, I would be jogging and not walking, hello – shin splints ----) and walking drills, which call upon the leg strap and Nunchuck, while there are also a number of stretches that tend to make an appearance more often than not.

I quickly discovered some exercises required a bit more space as I did the leg lunges and some other moves – holy sheet. This is the real motivator – “if done correctly, nearly all of the exercises feel like they are fighting the flab, and even on the lower intensity levels (that would be me), you’re almost always guaranteed to work up a sweat (sweat? Hell I am practically drowning). Hey, I really dig the kick boxing, that's really cool, thighs ached like hell the next day, but I'm gonna stick with this exercise -- it really is a hoot!

At first I was having issues with the leg strap -(oh the instructions are clear enough, goes around your right thigh, tighten to keep in place -- but damnit, as I moved, my thigh shrunk and the sucker fell off) - so I had to solve that issue, really tighten that sucker and it stays on -- leg turns blue but hey, it's only for 30 minutes! Then the Nunchunk - just another controller (silly name, eh)-- this sucker supposedly can only fit in the leg strap one way -- hello, I figured out three freakin ways and none worked -- well, one finally did and now I was golden. Like I said, a few issues!

So, I have FOUR exercise programs: Curves (which I really enjoy and feel has seen me drop inches), Walking, Wii Fit and now Wii Active. In addition I have stopped being a smartass and resumed keeping track (writing down) what I eat and staying with my allotted points – aka Weight Watchers.

Yes, of course I want to lose some of these pounds (or resume smoking, no, just kidding) but I also want to retain or gain even more flexibility - hey you know me, staying above ground is always a good goal -- one everyone can relate too, right?

So weather it rains, snows, is windy or sunny and dry, I will do my exercises and no more excuses (at least for this 30-day challenge or when I take off on some trip -- I looking at trip possibilities daily).

So that's my weather vs fitness story and I'm sticking to it. Now, what in hell is your excuse? Sure, go ahead, sit on your fat arse and complain about how much weight you have gained and how you can hardly move. Look, sheet for brains, you know how to walk, right? Get up and walk!!!

If you looked this good at 60 you’d be smiling too!

FLAT STANLEY

I did not realize this until later but whatever, my niece had called me weeks ago to ask if I would participate in some 3rd grade class project and I said, sure, sounds like fun.

The class is involved in a very fun and exciting Geography project based on the book “Flat Stanley” written by Jeff Brown. Through this experience students are hoping to learn about the different regions of New York State. In the book Flat Stanley is flattened by a falling bulletin board. One of the many advantages is that Flat Stanley can now visit his friends by traveling in an envelope.

So Stanley arrived in the mail on Saturday and I get to treat like a guest for 2-7 days. Take him places and record each of his adventures in his daily journal. There’s even a map so I can color where Stanley visited, which is cool (haven’t colored in years – love being a kid).

Now they even sent a disposal camera (return it and they’ll process the film) however I found my digital camera and email worked great and the teacher was able to download my letter(s) from Stanley and photos for the students. I even took photos of Stanley so they could see him too.

What was interesting was while at Curves this morning, I mentioned this project and within seconds other gals were saying they too had a Stanley sent to them and they loved the project too. Then we learned that Stanley has been all over the place, not just in New York State but other states as well. This is truly an amazing project and so much fun.

Sadly I have to mail him back at the end of the week but trust me, Stanley has had some fun adventures. I don’t think all of them should be shared with 3rd graders though – I mean, what would they think if they learned Stanley drank beer, ate fatty foods, etc.? Ya, see they don’t need to know this stuff and after learning he was underage, the booze was off limits (should of checked earlier, right).

Oh I’m really into this Wii Fit program too. Got my daughter doing it and while she is (1) younger, (2) more flexible, and (3) younger she was able to do many of the exercises much easier than me. However I am proud to announce that as of today my fitness age was 41 – now that is damn impressive!!! And I am losing weight at a very acceptable rate too…that definitely made me feel better. Oh this is a hoot and if you don’t rush it or get upset, you can enjoy these workouts.

I finally learned how to make the damn ski jump work too – had to lift my freakin feet –imagine. I thought I just had to extend my legs and fly thru the air – hell, my flying was down the bloody hill. Lift the legs and steady yourself and now you float down the ski jump and get a decent score. Hey, it’s all in fun and great exercise. So, I plan to do it everyday except Sunday (got chastised because I didn’t workout Sunday but hey, a gals gotta have a day of rest, right?).

Hey, the sun is shining, a tad chilly outside – earlier the temp was 34 degrees and currently it’s 53 and climbing. And yes, Damnit, I too had to turn the heat on yesterday –that damp chill was just too much and I was sick of being cold!

Keep smiling and have a great day!

Wii Fit

It has taken me many months to finally find and buy the Wii Fit program and then, it was a few weeks before I finally set it up and used it…I mean, why rush this stuff, right?

Wii Fit features four main categories to choose from: Strength training, Aerobics, Yoga, and Balance Games. Trust me I needed no help deciding which level to begin – BEGINNER!

Plus I was very willing to watch the “demo” before I even attempted to do any of these exercises. I was amazed to learn I needed to work on my balance…hey, I haven’t fallen down or walk crooked but still, my balance could use some work – huh! [ya, without a beer in my hand, my balance would be perfect]

As you do your daily training, you’ll earn more Fit Credits and add them to the Fit Bank. As they add up, more activities will be opened up for you. I was doing the ski program – which wasn’t too bad, again its balance and movement and I actually made it down the hill and thru the gates (ya I missed some too). Then I tried my luck with the ski jump – holy sheet – three times I extended my legs to early and fell. The fourth time extended my legs to late and fell…so, that ended that game for today – try again tomorrow.

Bottom line these are very humbling programs and with any exercise program, slow down and don’t get discouraged. None of us like to be told we are obese, we need to work on our balance, strength, etc but even worse, the screen that pops up with the fit age – now that sucker can really blow your mind. Don’t mind it when it reads way below my real age but ABOVE – shits the bed!!!

So another program to challenge me and yes, I will keep working at it and no I will not share any of the good stuff with you – why make you sick!

Yes, it is raining and that means one needs to find other things to do, for me its clean inside the house, not a favorite past time but one that needs some effort and attention. Whatever you do today, smile, okay?

PEDOMETERS

Ever buy something, read the directions, use it and everything works fine and you set it aside and forget about it? Then a few months later you decide to use it again and now, well, now the brain goes to that distant planet that refuses to allow memory recall – in short, you forgot how to use the damn thing properly!

That’s what happened to me and worse; I passed on the wrong information to other people, holy sheet.

Now I like a pedometer, it is nice to know how many miles I walked, how many calories I burned, even how many steps I took and this one also has a real clock so I can keep track of the time too. I was amazed to learn, for example, that I was walking a little over two miles and having discovered that, set that as my daily goal. Once a month I would attempt to double that amount and baby, that is not as easy as it sounds (thigh burner hill in Norwood attests to that goal).

Here’s my faux pax – don’t ya love the fancy word – in short, here’s my screw up! HOW TO WEAR YOUR PEDOMETER. This sounds simple enough but there is an actual correct way to wear this sucker for the best and true results (didn’t know this, did ya?). “Clip the unit to your belt or to the top of your shorts or trousers as close as possible to the crease line of your pants.” The pedometer must always be horizontal and be parallel to the ground. Do not attach at an angle or sideways as false readings will result.

So for all of you who tend to wear it on the side, you are not getting an accurate reading and when worn properly you’ll be amazed at just how much you actually did. I forgot this placement crap and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t getting my usual 2+ mile reading, same damn route, same amount of steps and it would read 1.07 or some such crap. Well, when worn properly it would not only show the 2+ miles but also more calories burned too…ya, live and learn.

Thar I have corrected my mistake and hopefully will see those I misinformed and everyone will be back on track. Basically I do like wearing a pedometer and it is nice to discover how far I walked, how many calories I burned and hell, it’s a clock too so I don’t need to wear a watch.

So purchase a decent pedometer and use it [I'm not sure which to say is best, tried a few and decided the "sportline" pedometer at Olympia Sports was just fine for me]-- you’ll be amazed and pleased with your results. Like I said, I was surprised to learn I was walking 2+ miles and then, slowly increased my goal to give me a challenge. Maybe this year I shall strive for 3 miles per walk – holy sheet, let’s not get too carried away, eh?

Okay some quotes to live by – ready?

Learn to listen, and then listen to learn

Speech is conveniently located midway between thought and action, where it often substitutes for both.

Experience is a hard teacher, she gives the test first and the lessons afterward

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent

SNOW BIRDS

Isn’t this the term we “apply” to those Northern boys and girls who head south for the winter? Whoa, we can’t use those words—be nice!

Yes, many have gone south aka Florida mostly and it’s so cute to hear from them. No shoveling snow, worrying about road conditions or driving 2 days to see the kids. I bet they laugh like hell when they write that too!

I was gonna go for a walk, I mean it’s 22 degrees and a brisk walk sounded nice but guess what, all that melting snow and drop in temp has created some lovely ice patches on sidewalks and roadways. I’m sorry but I don’t care to wipe out again – I was lucky a few weeks ago, didn’t break anything but my silly pride but I’m not gonna test my luck. So I did the next best thing YOGA.

Hey, what did you think of the shoe tossing reporter? What gets me is he was a lousy thrower, hell he was close he should of made contact. But even more amazing is where in hell was the secret service – the man threw TWO shoes! That’s great protection! Holy sheet!

Then we switch to more local news and discover Caroline Kennedy is interested in Hillary’s soon to be vacant senate seat! And the former “Nanny” was also interested but most likely she doesn’t stand a chance. Anyone else want to take on the Kennedy Camelot concept? Let’s say Caroline gets the seat, do we need to send her directions so she can find upstate New York and that means, besides the state Capital?

For the birds: a dropping-filled face mask

At Santa Fe’s Ten Thousand Waves spa, the Nightingale Cleansing Mask includes a powder composed of “sanitized droppings” from the tiny wonder-birds. The high nitrogen content draws out bacteria from the skin and breaks down dead skin cells more gently than acid peels. Used for centuries by geisha in Japan, the facial is “an all-natural way to brighten and smooth the skin.” Is your old-fashioned poop-free exfoliator suddenly looking better than usual? We thought so.

Hey this poop-spa treatment is for 55 minutes and cost you – ready for this - $115. My brother has 3 chickens and I bet we could use chicken poop and a lot cheaper than this, shall I place your order now?

And that my friends, is all the “bird” news for today – have a grand Tuesday and if nothing else, get out and suck in that cold air, will do the body good! Oh, dress for the weather tho – naked airing is discouraged big time!!!

One more Day

Yup, one more day and then, we can inhale the goodies cooks have been preparing all week -- I can hardly wait। No other holiday concentrate this much on food and who doesn't like food? Wow--tomorrow can't get here fast enuff and to hell with diets -- I'm pigging out, how about you?

Did my Curves workout this morning and discovered the Minnesota Clan gave me an early Christmas gift -- 3 month membership -- wow, I am a lucky woman. Thanks kids, yes damnit, Grandma shall continue to work out but don't think you'll see me skinny anytime soon!


Then once that workout was done, my dau suggested we hike the trails up behind the local high school (that would be NNCS) and I said sure so off we went, with Moose [the grand dog] with us of course. He loves it up there and its so wonderful to hike in the woods, yes it was snowing but hey, in the woods you just don't feel it that much. I'll have to do a bit of research on how to upload a video into my blog -- I know it can be done, I just gotta learn how. The above photo shows part of the trail -- kind of cool,eh?

Have a lovely day।

ANOTHER WORKOUT OPTION

Okay if you find this stuff bonkers, then don’t read today’s blog but if interested read on – see, I give you choices!

First off let me state, weight watchers is a good diet program and if you follow it, you will lose weight and develop better, healthier eating habits. And yes, you will blow it at times and see your weight go up and down, like some flippin yo-yo but stick with it and weight does drop. I also found that while pounds may not drop as fast as I would like, inches drop or fade or disappear quite nicely and jeans my fat ass has worn in years, suddenly fit and well, I don't look half bad in them either! Just remember it took a while to put those pounds on and they ain’t gonna come off quickly and stay off, so have some patience and determination. (Not my strong suit either)

As you know, if you read this blog, I walk six days a week and that walk is at least 2 miles, usually more. I happen to find this most relaxing and it’s my special “me” time. I know some folks just can’t get into this walking bit and/or doing it alone is not their style either, I accept that but it works for me. Now I happen to be a morning person so walking in the morning is truly great for me. If I attempted (and trust me I have tried) walking at night, I’d be so wound up it would be hard to get to sleep.

Wait before we get to into this nonsense, we all walk, okay? I mean if you ain’t walking, shuffling or crawling you’re in a wheel chair, right? What I mean by walking is picking up the feet and moving along at a nice pace. Not just walking around the house, but outside, around the block or three blocks, ya, that kind of walking. Now while doing this kind of walking you can walk fast, then slow and combine raisign your arms or how fast you wish to swing those arms. I discovered the harder I swung my arms, the faster or bigger my stride, so that wasn't something I was doing constantly -- after all, this is not a damn race -- it's a walk!

Because I wanted more flexibility I purchased the beginner Yoga DVD and started that a few weeks ago too. Oh come on, I am not wrapping my legs around behind my head (what in hell do you think I am, 5-years-old?). And some of the moves shown on the DVD are just not possible – like get on all four, now bring your left foot up parallel to your left hand, then rise up into a lunge position. Are you kidding me? Needless to say, I ain’t doing this one but I am stretching and discovering, slowly that I can now bend down further and get back up without assistance or hydraulic lift!

Then a gal put suggested I try “Curves,” and I wasn’t sure what this was about or even where it was located. It’s in Potsdam near CJ’s – and it really deserves better advertising because it's really a great workout place. Curves is the first fitness and weight loss program dedicated to providing affordable, one-step exercise and nutritional information for women.

Ya sounds like a possibility, right? I’m going to day and having a fitness expert show me how all the machines work, how the circuit works, what they mean by recovery stations, and learning how 30 seconds on 13 machines is gonna help me. I also understand this 30 minute circuit includes five components: warm up, cardiovascular training, strength training, cool down and stretching.

Hey, I’m gonna check it out and for two weeks it costs me nothing to use their equipment. After that I gotta pay – and the price ain’t bad – hey, my kids are looking for things to get for Christmas, this would be a good possibility IF I decide this is for me. I need some place inside to workout and I definitely want more flexibility, so this might be ideal for me.

Oh come on, I’ll still be outside when the snow is on the ground, I got snow shoes and I’m still determined to learn how to cross country ski - -meaning, staying upright vs falling constantly. In other words, weather is not gonna keep me inside – no way. Also, I understand Santa is giving me the Wii game and that too has plenty of exercise options too. Hey, I just don’t want to see myself sitting all damn winter and putting the pounds and inches back on – worked to damn hard to get them off – thank you very much.

Yes, it is Wednesday and weigh-in and sorry, still got one pound to go before I can scream – I lost ten pounds. That last pound just does not want to leave – damn it, be gone!

More later, you all have a wonderful day – hey, the sun is shining and the early morning temp was 28 but now it’s a lovely 44 degrees – very light breeze – so it’s a beautiful day – get out and enjoy it!

BEGINNERS WORKOUT

Holy sheet, I just remembered all the flack that poor woman got for wanting to introduce yoga to school kids and how that became an issue between school and church or some such nonsense. Well, I’m not going thar folks, no way!

Like I said yesterday, I purchased the “10-Minute Solution – Yoga for beginners” DVD and decided last night to watch it. I didn’t get all the way through the DVD but found it interesting (hey, football game came on and that was more to my liking, okay).

This morning as its raining and miserable outside I decided to do the Yoga bit – hey, workout is workout, right? Sweet Mama, this is gonna take some time to see me even coming close to doing what the instructor is doing. Hey, she is good and I get the “keep breathing” bit but I gotta tell ya, her bones are rubber and stretch pretty easily while mine, well; they ain’t rubber by any stretch of the imagination!

What is nice is that you can actually program the workout you want to do, which is damn nice because a couple of them are so far off in left field that until my body becomes a rubber band, this ain’t ever gonna work for me! It’s gonna be an on-going process and we’ll see how long I last – stretching muscles and strengthening my core is a work in progress – ya, I’ll keep you posted!!!

Now did you all see that we might see some “white stuff” tonight? Is that unreal or what? Also according some Acueweather dude, he is saying we’ll have the coldest November in history and in fact, we’re gonna have a real cold start to winter and one last cold blast at the end – gee, he’s a clever guy, ain’t he?

Have you noticed (like this is news) gas prices are going down and we’re all filling up everything we can while the price is lower? Well, think about this – gas prices will go lower until AFTER the election and then, who in hell knows? Each party will claim they caused this and that is supposed to make us vote for them – duh! By the way, while everyone is busy with the Presidential candidates, has anyone noticed who is running for Congress? No senatorial elections this year but plenty of congressional seats – hum, why aren’t we hearing about them? It might be wise to remind ourselves that a President is not a dictator and things must be approved and passed by the Congress and Senate and they are the ones with the real power, so we might want to make sure we got competent folks in those chairs!

Okay, got myself a hair appointment, I don’t understand it but as the weather got cooler my hair grows faster – damnit!

I’ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap!

YOGA

Yup, we’re all saying it now and many of us die hearts have given in and turned on our heat, right? Hey, when the temp gets down in the low 30s or even dipping in the 20s it is time to get the chill outta the house!

My trip to Syracuse was lovely – the foliage is over but there was still some sunny scenes and watching leaves fall is fun too, especially when they are falling in someone else’s yard! Managed to get a little shopping done but we didn’t do much kitchen gadget searching this weekend. Sis didn’t feel too good and it was chilly and besides, we don’t mind just hanging at home and swapping stories. Trying to convince each other this or that happened during our childhood has become a fun game which usually results in; “you wouldn’t remember this, because this is when you were sent to live in that Foster home” [no that never happened].

I needed new tennis shoes and read that even if you no longer jog but walk for exercise, you should buy a jogging shoe. It has more arch support and cushion. Makes sense, right? I also informed the clerk that I wanted a tennis shoe that fit and I wasn’t interested in breaking the sucker in—the shoe needed to feel like it was made for my foot and only my foot! Damn if that wasn’t the case – I was in foot heaven and decided to wear them outta the store – they were that comfy! And yes, I wore them on my walk this morning too. Gosh, amazingly my knees didn’t ache as much nor my back, could it mean I have on decent tennis shoes? You bet your sweet butt it does!!!

I had errands to run to day and purchased – ready for this – Yoga for beginner’s DVD and strap. I have no idea what the strap is for but I’m sure when I pop in the DVD this will be explained. As mention this is for “BEGINNERS,” and supposedly is a 10 minute solution. Huh? Oh, 10-minute workouts to shape up my body – oh man, it’s gonna take more than ten minutes! Here’s what happens in this workout:

· Yoga for balance and flexibility
· Yoga for strength and toning
· Energizing flow Yoga
· Core strength
· Stress relief Yoga

Gosh I can hardly wait to get started but first, I shall work up a sweat getting the damn plastic off the DVD so I can watch the show. I prefer to watch it a few times, visualizing me doing this stuff and eventually I’ll try it too. You see I’m slowly working my way toward an inside exercise program – I will continue to go outside and love snow shoeing and still learning how to cross country ski, but I know some days an inside routine will be helpful too. Oh come on, I am not some exercise nut – I just know I would like a bit more flexibility and shifting some of this weight about is nice too (losing it is better and one does lose but first, shifting seems to be happening.).

Oh I did buy some mums in Syracuse and have them planted in – I really need more Mums – mine look kind of lonely in this huge flower bed with no other flowers? Oh well, if I can find more I shall buy more. What? A tad late to start this mum business? Who said so? One has to try, experiement and being different is fun too! So my mums are being planted now, mum's the word!

Have a nice week and yes, I shall write more as the week moves along unless I’m tied in some Yoga position and unable to move!

CRYSTAL BALL

Oh you’re gonna love this – and it ain’t what you think (you are thinking, right?). This crystal ball is a large air filled ball used to assist you in a fun and yet challenging (remember this word) workout designed to improve functional strength, flexibility and stability!

See I told you it wasn’t what you thought and now, even I wish it was what we thought. Okay in a stupid moment I bought one and first let me bore you with the so called benefits (this could end up being Part I and II to follow soon?):

• Trains the body in functional movement (what in hell has my body been doing all these years, non-functional movements?)
• Forces the body to strengthen the stabilizing muscles (huh?)
• Challenges the body to improve alignment and balance (great I’m not aligned and off balance, holy sheet).
• Targets abdominals and lower back thus strengthening the body core to improve posture (strengthen the core for what?)
• Unique and easy stretching device (so was the rack).
• Improves muscle tone and increases endurance (muscle tone, endurance, what the hell --am I in some race?)
• Improves flexibility and increases strength (is anyone other than me seeing one word repeated over and over here – strength!)
• Stabilizes the spine (oh no, my spine has been unstable, damn).
• Helps you to lose weight (finally something useful).
  

Still with me, Moonbeam? Good now here are the advantages, ready for this?

• Fun.
• Easy for all ages from kids to grandparents.
• Portable and lightweight.
• Easy to travel with and to store.
• Inexpensive and comprehensive.
• 90 days guarantee (what after 90 days it pops?)

Okay, we’re all on the same page. First you gotta get this ball out of the box and blow the sucker up. Now this doesn’t seem all that complicated but I think this is how the strength part begins – using a hand pump, mind ya! No, I did not use that, do I look stupid? I got an electric pump. Now this takes considerable effort because once you fill it, you gotta get the “plug” back in before all the air escapes here’s that flexibility and endurance stuff!

Finally the ball is ready and now the first exercise – guess what? You got to WARM UP. Hell, I was dripping just getting the ball blown up and now a warm up exercise, ye gads! Fine, play along, be kind and learn. I think this falls under that functional movement number.

Anyway the first warm up is to SIT on top of the ball with arms relaxed on your thighs. Your thighs should be approximately 90 degrees to your lower legs (say what – where else would my thighs be?). Continuing on, place feet flat on the floor about shoulder width apart and begin to shift your weight up and down by bouncing gently on the ball. Oh when first trying these exercises, hold onto a wall or prop the ball against something sturdy for added stability!

To review, got the crystal exercise ball, got it blown up, sat and bounced on it and now ready for the next step. I shan’t bore you with these – arm exercises, push ups, trunk curls, abdominals/obliques, pelvic tilt, leg raises, hip extension, leg curl, outer thighs, inner thighs, upper thighs (damn we got a lot of thighs),and heel raises.

OMG the most important part – Before beginning this or any exercise program, consult your physician. Hell, I would think consult my insurance agent would also be a good ideas as well – increase that injury clause, okay?

So, I shall keep you posted on how me and the ball get along – this could turn out to be very interesting and when outside weather or conditions make walking a tad hazardous to my health, I can always do the ball workouts, right?

Wouldn’t you know it – brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever!

Garage

Whew! For some unknown reason, the energy rabbit hit me yesterday and after I finished my morning walk, I was willing to take on other, physically demanding projects. I don’t know if I was willing or “something” forced them on me, but suffice to say, projects happened, okay?

Our garage was looking like a sand pile and that needed to be moved. Now, you do not sweep this stuff out – unless you like standing in a dust bowl! You get the shop Vac and you vacuum it – and it is a slow process. During which, at least in my case, you want to knock dirt off the filter and empty the canister before it fills up completely (or you can’t lift the damn thing). And of course, certain items need to be moved so you can vacuum as much crap as possible.

It is amazing how much sand, grit and junk collects on tires and takes up residence in a garage. I mean, there’s piles of this crap and while we have a good shop Vac it needs time to suck up all this stuff, so it’s a slow process. Then of course, certain items get moved and locations changed because now “things” look better somewhere else (this usually drives Hubby bonkers because now he can’t find anything – not that he’d use it if found, but it makes him happy to bitch about moving HIS stuff).

In addition, hubby is not as –how shall I put this – attentive to cleaning the riding lawn mower as me. I do not want all this mowed grass left on the mower, yuck! So, I took the lawn mower out and hosed it down,and of course, had to yank some clumps that has taken up residence and in quick order I was nearly as wet as the damn mower. Oh well, it's clean now and why, it just shines!

Hey, the best part was I got it all done and then the rains came and it rained all afternoon! Hell, it is raining now and it’s a new day. Tell me, did we ask for all this rain? Are our water levels low? Do our fields need water? What in hell is up with all this wet weather?

Well, today I shall venture to Wal-Mart, have a few items to get before my trip to Minnesota and a rainy day is a good one to shop. I detest shopping but I need things so I must go – do it quick and doesn’t hurt as much. Then I can come home and watch more Tennis – yes, the French Open and NO it’s not over yet!

“I’m out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?”