Wisdom

A guy is 76 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

When I Die Sell My Stuff

The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is...


Dianne and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff.."
Dianne looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

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Love my talented daughter's Bunny cakes!  I was suppose to help her but after shopping (grocery) and playing with my grandson, I was pooped and went home.  However as you can see, she did not need my help!

Yes, we had a lovely meal and great fun.  Now I can get serious about dropping ten more pounds.  Hide the damn jelly beans and keep those candies outta sight. 

Plus, Monday looks like the sun will bless us and the temp, currently is 40 degrees, so I can definitely get in my morning walk -- hurrah!  Like I said, I gotta get serious about this weight business and its not just weight, fitness is also important now that I am able to walk a bit further and my energy level has increased a bit. Still am unable to lift anything over 5 pounds but that will happen in due course as well.

Have a lovely day.  Oh hell, just smile and pretend its a lovely day!!

God's Wife

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen..

On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school.
Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement..

'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
me.....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

***********************

An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering With cold. A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'

'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,'was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel.. He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks..

Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes..
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him..
She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'

As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her....


'Are you God's wife?'

Environment 1955 vs 2011

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."


That's right, they didn't have the green thing in her day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But they didn't have the green thing back her day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks. But she's right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts.... "wind and solar power" really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. But that old lady is right. They didn't have the green thing back in her day.

Pass this on if you remember those recycling days!

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN FROM IRELAND

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big
garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would
that get me into heaven ?"

"NO !" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the grass,and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO !"

By now I was starting to smile. "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get into heaven ?"

Again, they all answered "NO !"

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, Then how can I get into heaven ?"

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD..."

It's a curious race, the Irish. Have a great day.

New High School Exit Exam

Ok, Let's try this.........

New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to
pass.
(Passing requires only 4 correct answers) 40% !

______________________________________



1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?


3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?



Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.



Check your answers below ....
___________________________

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs (canis)

7) Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson ( or red or pink)

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

_________________________________

What do you mean, you failed?

Join the crowd..........

Senior Health Care -- the Solution

Senior Health Care Solution




So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you, what do you do?



Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot two Congressmen and two illegal immigrants or a combination thereof!



Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered. And, as an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.



And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.



Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.



Is this a great country or what?

$2.99 Special

If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be......

The $2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

WE'VE been around the block more than once!

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Looky what I found along side my deck the other day? Does this mean spring has finally arrived or this flower is being brave?

Ya, the rain is coming down here too, no wind tho but lemme ask ya, with all the damn flooding, did we really need this rain?  Need or not we got it, right?

I usually take morning walks, now that my energy and strength has returned, okay short walks but walks nonetheless.  Well, I don't mind a light mist ( I ain't gonna melt) but these damn downpours just don't make walking all that pleasant. And my mission is to find blooming pussy willows and I haven't found them yet either..damn!!!

Our son's latest Mayo Clinic report is great -- he remains in remission, praise the Lord. 

Not sure what is on my agenda today---walking is not on it but I'm thinking a trip to Wally world isn't completely out of the questions...surely I can find something to buy or hell, just walk the football field layout and consider that my walk for the day, eh?

Have a good one folks...life is damn good.



Jumping On The Bed

Gotta love women~

I was at home happily jumping on my bed and squealing with delight.

Roger watches me for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"

I continue to bounce on the bed and say, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says

I have the breasts of a 25 year-old".

Roger said, "What did he say about your 62 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," I replied.

(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)....I love it.

^^%***&^*&&&&

Hello April, you finally arrived and with a 35 degree temp and what appears to be rain...light mist but rain nonetheless. And we are supposedly under a winter Advisory until sometime Saturday.  So April, the real question is are you gonna bring some warmer temps and can we honestly expect to see flowers too?  I know, I know, tulips are pushing up and trying damn hard to make their presence known but are you gonna cooperate? We have had enough cold weather, so please April, a little warmth would be so welcomed!!!

Good luck to Alex today and tomorrow as he plays in yet another Hockey tournament.  This kid is so popular and so good, he keeps getting selected for these teams and altho it may mean driving long distances, his parents see no problem with this.  Also, this go around they'll get to visit Tammy and on Monday Dean shall head down to the Mayo Clinic for his check-up -- pray for continued remission.