One Word or Two?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other
for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over
towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

The Deaf Wife

The Deaf Wife Problem




Dave feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.



Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.



The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.



"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."



That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."



Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"



No response.



So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Peg, what's for dinner?"



Still no response.



Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"



Again he gets no response.



So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"



Again there is no response.



So he walks right up behind her. "Peg, what's for dinner?"



(I just love this)



"For God’s sake, Dave, for the FIFTH time, its CHICKEN!"

Spur of the Moment

Hey,nothing beats those last minute decisions to do something totally unexpected, right? Saturday, my daughter and I were somewhat bored so when she suggested we go to Water Safari,it took all of two seconds to agree,then we sprang into action. Clint was a bit mystified at first but later, he was game for everything Water Safari had to offer.  Check on his first solo water slide...I think he thought his Mommy was gonna slide down with him, but nope this would be solo and his arms and legs are spread wide -- the landing is something else, he cried a little bit (shock I suspect) but he wanted to go again:

Now watch his back-ass-ward slide...the landing gets no points but he loved it...a little upset about his landing but hey, it's just water -- he kept going back to do it over and over.  By now, even Mimi was no longer asking "who is catching him?"::



As the day wore on we tried many different water areas -- keep in mind, he is 22 months so we were not about to do anything silly here.  He loved it all...the tidal wave was really cool--he loves the waves and likes to jump when they approach...so brave:

He had a blast and so did we...he was so much fun to watch and he loves the water. You will notice, I am sure, that altho he kinda shrieked when a wave hit, he kept going out further...brave little fella. As long as he can touch the bottom, all is good.  We were getting exhausted, correction, Mimi was getting exhausted but it was so much fun.  It's a bit of a drive to Water Safari but hey, we managed and drove back without hitting any deer so that is good.  Food is expensive at the Park tho, paid $2.75 for one corn dog -- damn it was good but that is pricey in my book.  No wonder people bring ice chests full of drinks and food.

I do have one gripe tho -- the ladies changing room (when you enter or leave the park) is up this damn hill, pushing a stroller and later, tried bodies hiking up this to change was just unreal...but the men, get this crap, their changing room/bathroom is on the lower level, no climbing for them...obviously this was designed by a man!!!

The only thing that would have made this day even more fun was if the Minnesota kids had been with us.  Yes, they have been here, twice,but Saturday the weather was perfect, not to hot nor too cold and it was just a great day.  A bit crowded but everyone was gracious and happy.

So our spur of the moment decision to visit and play at the Water Safari Park was perfect and we definitely had a great Saturday...good idea Kel, thanks for allowing me to tag along too.  I didn't do the slides but I did get wet and I was, after all, taking tons of photos...
Water Safari Park is truly a fun place for the entire family ---long drive but hell, what isn't a long drive these days.  We had a blast and the weather was great. Hope you have a great weekend too.  Now the one challenge still remaining is my inflatable kayak...still gotta try this out, right?  Oh ya, photos for dang sure, if it happens (yes,it will happen).

Harlequin Novel, Updated...2011 Version

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.

And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine to my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . .




"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

What you thought it was gonna be something else, didn't you???

The Weenie Test

Three 3rd Graders: an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?

"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen!"

&&&&&&&

So, let me update you on my so called fitness madness.  As many of you know, surgery kept me from snow shoeing this past winter and many other forms of exercise.  I wasn't the most patient and resumed exercising a bit too early and managed to pull an abdominal muscle, so I was back to square one. Anyway, I did get back to walking, three days a week and doing about 2.5 miles each time.  It's not a speed walk mind you,but a nice pace that allows me to enjoy the walk and keeps me outside.

Anyway, having heard alot about Zumba dancing, I decided to purchase the Wii Zumba Dance program.  Please keep in mind, I have three left feet and damn little rhythm, I mean, I like to think I do but I don't (ya, like none of you have this same issue???).  Anyway, I hook it up and we do these tutorials.  Boring as hell, but at the same time, helpful.  Mirror the instructor and as she turns green this indicates you are doing things correctly and burning up energy - huh?  I want to burn calories and lose weight not burn up energy!!!

Eventually I got sick of the tutorial and started the actual dance program. First I learned I was taking way too big steps and yes, they expect me to move my legs, ass, arms and somehow do all this to a rather catchy tune too.  The real trick is to just relax, let yourself go and have fun...of course, in the privacy of your own home this is possible. I cannot imagine doing this in front of other people!!!  But does it work?  Tell ya, what it is fun, that is important and I do believe it will tone and help me to lose weight or at the very least maintain my stamina and energy level.  I do not wish to become a slug...slugs are no fun.

So with any luck toward the end of the month I shall head to Buffalo, see Niagara Falls, hang out with my daughter, grandson and friends, then back to Syracuse and take in the State Fair. That should pretty much end my traveling for the summer I think. Still hoping to try out my inflatable kayak before the summer ends too.

Yup, life is good  and I remain on this side of the dirt...keep smiling!!

This is the new seat belt law...gotta love it.



Catholic Beer

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO


TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."

&&&&&&&

Went to the county fair this past week and man, many things have changed and I usually enjoy change and understand change is needed.  It was somewhat hard to see the youth building with so few club booths and exhibits tho.  In my day, that building was cramed with youth work and we had to work hard to make room for all the club booths.

Even the animal barns had fewer animals this year and while folks "spread out" and had lots more room than they ever had in the past, it didn't take much to see fewer animals at the fair this year too.  And, at least for me, the fact the midway and food joints didn't even open until 1:00 pm was really odd and I don't remember it being like that just 5 years ago either.  Oh well, all in all, it is our county fair and it was fun seeing former kids now adults, showing off their own children and many adult volunteers more than ready to greet and chat for awhile.  It definitely was a fun time to swap stories and catch up. Even some staff were still on-board and I had a chance to chat with them too.  Now its up for grabs "Do I attend the State Fair or not?"  Most likely I will and with my sister, which is always a fun outing.

Saturday my daughter ran in the 5K Waddington Homecoming event & we got to watch Clint.  I gotta tell ya, he is something else.  He is talking up a storm these days and while most words I can understand, some are just unknown.  Best of all, he will repeat them, over and over, very patiently expecting me to somehow understand them but it never happens. Finally I just say "I guess,"and he is content and moves on to another word or game.  He is a pistol for dang sure!!!

So that has been my weekend, oh, Saturday night Hubby and I had date night, went to the movie and saw Cowboys and Alien.  Okay, we have seen worse, much worse and on a scale of 1 to ten, with ten being totally lousy, I would give this movie a 6 may a 7.  It was for the most part entertaining and fun to see Harrison Ford as not quite the good guy for a change.  He was a good guy but not the main good guy!  Ya, that made a lot of sense, eh?  Oh hell, go see the damn movie for yourself.

The Green Thing

The Green Thing


In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a young person.

The Green Thing