Worms in Church

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol...Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke...Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup...Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil...Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!
 

This pretty much is what our weekend forecast is supposedly gonna be like, lots of rain..ugh.  This is also the weekend I head to Buffalo and again, the weather doesn't look all that friendly.  However, rain or not I shall have a good time and between my sister and I, we shall find plenty of places to keep Clint entertained and places to run off his excess energy!

The Talking Clock

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed ...

"You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

%$&&&&&

Do ya realize that tomorrow, Friday, Sep 23rd, is the first day of Autumn?  And the leaves are starting to change and I doubt this is due to stress as was the case earlier when folks notice leaf colors.

My sis-in-law and I headed to Clayton yesterday (we attempt to do lunch every Wednesday and find different places to check out).  It was a lovely drive and we also had a mission in place, find the River Rat Cheese outlet, which we did and yes, we bought cheese!

Clayton is a quaint little village and it had been years since I had visited but off tourist season is the best, you got the streets and shops pretty much to yourself and the weather was delightful.  We hoped to sit outside at Bella's Cafe, overlooking the St. Lawrence River but it was a tad chilly, so we opted to eat inside.  Good food, good service and good prices.  Then we walked around (walked off lunch) and checked out various shops...didn't buy anything but both of us repeatedly said, "I'm coming back here." 

The weather outlook is for rain today and its a tad overcast but damn, I really want to get in a morning walk, so I'd best get off this computer and just go before the rains hit, eh?  Have a lovely day.

Simple Truths

SIMPLE TRUTH 1


Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated”

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,

'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

Motocross

Okay, I’m gonna admit it, straight out…I don’t know much about this sport but this much I can tell ya, I LIKE IT!  Hell I was even spelling it wrong, thinking it was "motor-cross," ya, live and learn.

My son-in-law was a serious rider for many years and then, took a ten year break but now he is back into it and man, is his little boy ever happy about that, because he’s a motorcycle fanatic.



So Sunday was my first time ever watching the races and I gotta tell ya, it was great fun. Weather was perfect and everyone was so darn nice. Now, I do know that next time I wanna bring a lawn chair. Oh the bleachers are fine but my back needs support too. Also, with that heat/sun beating down on you, one of those pop-umbrella tents would be perfect also (possible Christmas gift for sure). Food wise there was a wood-burning stone oven that was making and selling pizzas and damn, they were absolutely delicious. However, if I attended many of these (hint, hint) and had my chair, tent, water bottle, then I’d be more inclined to haul an ice chest and add some fruit and chips to the mix.



Ya as this photo indicates, it was a fun day and Dan did great and I was mighty impressed. A ten year absence and he took 2nd place overall for the day…not bad, eh?

So while the NY kids were doing their thing, the Minnesota group also had some fun this weekend as this photo indicates. Now I’m not sure if they went to get apples, pumpkins or just to sit on a hay bale in the middle of a corn field but regardless, they are smiling and happy as hell…good times.



Yes, folks, my weekend was fantastic, waking up to 41 degrees is a bit unpleasant but you know what, turn off the damn ac, open some windows and air this place out. In short order I fear the heat will be needed and as much as I would like to hold out until November, I’m not sure that’s gonna happen.

Well, the windows are open, kinda breezy but it’s gonna smell a lot fresher and later, I shall close them and hubby will never know the difference. You see, he’s not against fresh-air, per se, but he thinks opening windows means allowing humidity inside – hello, its 41 degrees, there is no humidity!!!

And so another week begins, was gonna do lunch with a friend but she had to cancel, so now I guess I gotta fix my own lunch,damn!  As the house is airing, perhaps I should run to the stores and get stuff for my upcoming trip this weekend..can Buffalo really entertain us or not?

Secrets of a long Marriage

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage




At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

&&&^%(((((($#@



I just could not resist adding this photo -- it just cracks me up.  Oh come on, you damn well know you are laughing or at the very least, smiling!!

The shoes do it for me.  I told my dau, "if when I reach this age and start to even think about wearing shoes like this, shoot me!"

Yes, it has been a delightful and beautiful Saturday in upstate NY --- started out cold but as the day move along, it did warm up a bit and was perfect.  Was kinda hoping we'd hike Lampson Falls today but we hit a few garage sales and the huge Craft Fair in the village Park, which was great.

Now my dau-in-law has me really interested. Seems she got her Mom and then, she and her dau, went grocery shopping for some kind of special choc powder to make homemade hot chocolate and then, having done the shopping, she made if for her girl and they were sipping it all afternoon.  Oh the memories -- screw that, I want the recipe, don't you?

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked..

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman... I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Yes, this is me on the NJ shore (rocks actually) a year ago -- man I'd like to go back,have another photo taken just so you could see I no longer weigh this much and after surgery this year, I dropped two pant sizes.  I am still trying to lose weight but it's a long, drawn out process.  Being skinny is not the objective --in fact, too skinny is bad also, I just want to drop another twenty pounds and then, I shall be content.  That is my goal -- drop twenty by Christmas.  No pressure, giving myself plenty of time.

So here it is Thursday,its like 52 degrees and I'm wearing shorts and wondering why in hell I am cold and better yet, why don't I get my sweatpants and socks so I can be warm? Dumb!!!  And yes, it is raining too.  The weather forecast says we're in for "cooler" weather the rest of the week -- hello, its Thursday!!!  Way too early for cold weather.

A Kiss is A Kiss

A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Oh come on, you know you laughed when you read this -- too damn funny, right? BTW on my walk this morning I looked up (I do this now and then) and what to my wondering eyes should appear but geese/or ducks in that infamous V-formation.  All I could think was "this better be a practice run cause its way to early to be heading south!"  My second thought was --"these are really dumb ass geese/ducks if they are headed south this early!"

Apples, Pumpkins & Runners

Wow, it has been a busy weekend and lots of fun things to share.  First off, the header photo.  This is my grandkids in Minnesota, the girl took 10th place in her track group and the boy took 3rd in his group.  Congrats to both, well done.


Now, the US Tennis Open is over and while my guy (Nadal)did not win, it was an amazing men's final.  The women's final was unreal. Once again Serena Williams seems to believe she can say, do and act as she wants and nobody can stop her. Well, this time (as it was two years ago) she learned that was not the case.  Ya,get the rule book out and read the sucker.  However, to her credit, for the first time ever (in my book) she actually praised her opponent and said she played an amazing match.  Normally Serena does not praise anyone but herself, if she wins she's was the greatest player on the court, if she loses, anyone could have beat her on that particular day.  I mean, confidence is great but over-confidence is arrogance that just irks me. She is an amazing athletic but honey-child,you could lose a few pounds to make you LOOK like a fit athletic.

Okay, enough about them...how about an almost two year old apple picking and selecting a pumpkin? Last year, in NJ he wasn't having any part of this stuff but this year, he was truly into it.  But first, I'm borrowing a photo from his Mom on his latest achievements:

After mastering shaving on himself, he decided to help Dada and shaved him too!  Notice how patient Dada is during this entire process -- oh sure, that's a real razor...just no blade!

Apple pickin was great fun and once he got the hang of it,he was picking like crazy. Then decided to "taste" this apple, it was good, so now he preferred eating to picking.

Yup, he help select "his" pumpkin too.  Last year, in NJ I plopped him the pumpkin bin and he bawl like a banshee, he wanted no part of this pumpkin business.  What a difference a year makes...he had a blast and so did we.



Then on Monday he wasn't feeling too good, snotty nose and small cough, so he was gonna stay with Meme (his Auntie Beth figures he faked his Mama out so he could be with me) -- anyway, we had a good time.  He helped me fold clothes, then he helped me make quick bread, as the photo indicates, he was a busy boy and while he liked licking the whisk, the actual bread was A-Ok in his book too.

And that was my Monday. Today I may head into Town an drive local merchants crazy and in the process, empty my wallet as my car needs gas -- ouch!  Later on this month I shall head to Buffalo and take my grandson to see Niagara Falls too.  Oh ya, the school season has begun, folks are slowing down and kids are, well, are back in school!!!

"Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement."

THINK ABOUT IT

Okay, time to let our minds say what they are really thinking instead of wondering if our thoughts and/or opinions will offend. Well, of course thoughts are gonna offend someone, that’s a given but as long as we very clearly state this is MY opinion, or MY thought; we should be safe, right?

Now for the life of me I wonder why in hell Chaz Bono thinks America needs to see him dance? He wants to put his fat ass on Dancing With The Stars and supposedly he’s all ready lost weight just from moving his fat ass in simple dance steps! I do the Zumba dance and while I can’t say for sure I have lost any weight, I can say the stuff has moved around and my dancing –well, let’s just say, I’m having fun and as this is done in the privacy of my home, who cares what in hell I look like! I know America doesn’t want to see me dance!!!

Okay, here are the Minnesota grand kids, you know the drill, first day of school photos...they just wanted this over and anxious, yes anxious to get to school.

 Now, waiting in line to sharpen your pencil is certainly a fun way to begin the year -- are you kidding me!!!  Oh well, Ella waited patiently but she doesn't look overly thrilled.

Now these be some "smokin hot boots!"

I love all the first day back to school photos and comments. I think my granddaughter had the best line tho – when asked what she thought of her first day, what was the best part, she cheerfully replied: RECESS & GYM!!! Now that is an honest kid, right? My grandson on the other hand, said “math, it was so fun!” Gotta love’em, right?



Stop with the photos my grandson tell his mother, you're embarrassing me.  Honey, that is our job, get use to it!!!

Also on the first day of school, the village finally decided to “pave” the lower half of our street. Keep in mind, this portion had been under the “watch out I’m a hole cone” for months until someone decided it was time to fix the damn hole and then, screw it, let’s rip up the road and then, we’ll think about it and eventually pave it! So all the equipment and half the work force showed up to pave yesterday but they didn’t get the entire job done. Hell no, at 6:30 this morning I heard beep, beep, beep and saw lights flashing, they were back and with even more cars and men to finish the job. This is not an entire street mind ya, just a small section and it’s taking this much effort! And you wonder why road work is so expensive!!

So on this Wednesday, Hump Day, let your mind speak and have some laughs. You’d be surprised, even shocked, at how many folks are thinking the same damn thing!

25 Ways to Tell You're Grown Up

 But first yes, September has arrived, did ya think it would not?

It means the college kids are back, joy, joy and the school kids will soon return to class --thrill, thrill.  It also means, we need to slow down and look for kids and remember those big yellow things are called school buses, and you do not pass them and you must stop when they stop, okay?  Let's have a nice school year, okay?


You ready for this -- well, sit back and enjoy. 

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them!
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up,not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator
6. You watch the weather channel
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook-up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those &&^*^kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog science diet instead of McDonald's leftovers,.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a move is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibupforen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time
22. "I just can't drink, the way I use to" replaces "I'm never gonna drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in fornt of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking, "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"
26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

How ya like my new hat?  Ya, a tad small, even I agree.  Oh come on, you wouldn't do something like this to entertain your grandchild? Get a life, have some fun, laugh at yourself and well, just laugh...

Oh just so you know, I have decided all this excessive eating must end, so I am back to doing Weight Watchers, funny how if I write down what I eat, I eat less...oh hell no, I don't attend those meetings or weigh-ins, are you nuts.  I can and do monitor myself.  Now, the goal is to drop twenty pounds by Christmas...ya, lots of luck, eh?  Sure join me, we can do this.

Have a lovely week folks.