Sunday, March 30, 2008

AGE

I just read this article where Mike Jagger was asked about age and he said; “You have to acknowledge it. I mean, I think you definitely have to understand what your limitations are, both physically and mentally.”

I thought about that for about two minutes and decided my take his statement was --- bull shit. Age doesn’t define me ---- what I do defines me and I could care less about a number aka age!

Some days I act like a ten year old, other days like I’m 35, 49, 60, 70, or hell even 80 --nobody, including me knows what age I'll be on a given day! It makes life so much more fun when you get to guess!! The point is I refuse to let some damn number dictate how I am supposed to look, behave or act. I don’t subscribe to that crap that because someone is old they can say whatever they want, include being rude and snarly, that’s pure bullshit! Good manners are good manners regardless of age!

Well, I shan’t be around for the next couple weeks, I shall be sunning myself in Florida. I also intend to eat as much seafood as possible, let the waves caress my body and of course, drink cold beer while I sit and sweat outside. This is called a vacation from the cold and north country.

Now around August when the heat gets to me and I prefer to stay in my air conditioned home until the sun goes down, it’s call bitching about the damn heat! However, I shall do my walk but as I do this in the morning, it shouldn't be too hot and I like to sweat during a workout, this works for me!

Ya’ll be good and behave while I’m gone. Oh hell, you can’t do both, what was I thinking, sorry Mates. See ya on the flip side -- enjoy!

Not complaining

I am thankful: for the wife who says it's hot dogs tonight, because she is home with me, and not out with someone else.

For the husband who is on the sofa being a couch potato,because he is home with me and not out at the bars.

For the teenager who is complaining about doing dishesbecause it means she is at home, not on the streets.

For the taxes I pay because it means I am employed.

For the mess to clean after a party because it means I havebeen surrounded by friends.

For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.

For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home .

For all the complaining i hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech.

For the parking spot i find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and I have been blessed with transportation.

For my huge heating bill because it means I am warm.

For the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means I can hear.

For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.

For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard.

For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means I am alive.

And finally, for too much e-mail because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.

Send this to someone you care about. I just did.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Seniors on a Little Road Trip

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.


All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Well ... my job is done. Your turn!

Thinking Old

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, "surely I Can't Look That Old." Well... You'll Love This One.

I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought. This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To have Been My Classmate.

After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School

"yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang," He Gleamed With Pride.

"When Did You Graduate?" I Asked.

He Answered, "in 1959. Why Do You Ask?"

"you Were In My Class!", I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald Wrinkled, Fat, Gray, Decrepit Son-of-a-bitch Asked, "what Did You Teach?"

Pre Trip Ramblings

You can call this boredom, striving for perfection or just attempting to make the days go faster before vacation truly begins. First off, the last concept is rather stupid, I mean, I am retired, that is like a year round vacation! Yes, that adage is true, worked more retired than I did while employed – wait, that isn’t true – I worked my butt off when employed. Oh hell, the real item here is things one does prior to taking a trip, how’s that? Cleared up the entire missive, didn’t it?

Today as I see yet another over cast day and some (hands over the ears) rumbles of possible snow later on, I decided to challenge myself with packing! Oh what the hell, not much else to do and a trial run will help me decide what stays here and what gets to go to Florida! I do have a tendency (so my sister claims) to pack more than I need but somehow I manage to use everything I packed, so figure that one out!

You see the reality is where we are going folks have washers and dryers so we can, if necessary, wash our clothes and not haul so many with us. And as we are headed to warm weather, that means clothes are mostly shorts and lightweight tops, not jackets, socks, mittens, etc! However there are certain “comfort” items you pack regardless, you know, your own toothbrush, comb, curling iron, brush, shoes (flops, sneakers, sandals, clogs) and oh ya, make up, hair spray and so on and so forth.

Let me state, for the record, that I have a lot of respect baggage handlers and it’s a job I would not like to do but hey, it pays well and for the most part, they do their damnest to get your suitcase on your flight and both of you arrive at the same time. However, I do think they have a wicked sense of humor and love to squeeze suitcases on the hope that anything liquid will squirt out and cover your bag with this lovely aroma of mixed liquids! That is why you place things like creams, lotions, shampoo, or anything liquid in a plastic bag (sealed tight).

Next you have those items you wish to carry on the plane. Only two bags per person are allowed and they can be stored under your seat or in the overhead compartment. Let’s talk about that overhead compartment, shall we? First off, you gotta be a certain height to even reach the sucker. Secondly, even if you put your bag near the front so you can reach it, someone is gonna shove it to the back or move it to another compartment because they want this space! Third, as you debark the plane (I always want to start barking when they announce we can now debark the plane), you pissed the folks behind you off as you struggle to get your bag from the overhead compartment, “sorry I can’t seem to reach my bag, would you please reach up and get it for me? Oh, not your job, well, excuse me, while I climb up this woman’s back to reach the damn bag.”

I’m not overly willing to carry more bags than necessary, usually this means my camera bag and a purse but lately, I’ve learned a tote which holds my purse can be quite helpful and balances me – something in each hand tends to stop me from leaning or favoring one side more than the other!

Now I could start spring cleaning 101 but that certainly doesn't appeal and I think that I was sleeping during that class anyway...I can hire a cleaner to do this work, right? Now I leave you with these tidbits, thing you need to know:

  • Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
  • There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
    Never lick a steak knife.
  • You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
  • A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
  • Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

As always, you have a great day -- any day we are breathing is great!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!', (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there?
All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.

"Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!"

Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember: Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!

Retirement

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have$49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the -----401-Keg Plan.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS -

(This was actually reported by a teacher)
After Easter, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.They ride around on their bicycles & wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it.He watches all day so nobody can escape.Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse.The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse.Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS!

Stuck Inside - Really?

Are you following the news these days? Well, what else have we got to do, the weather sucks and until it warms up, were stuck inside and might as well listen to or read the news, right?

Hey, how about Chelsea – asking her about Momma and Monica and she nicely stated it was NONE of your business. Gotta like a kid who sticks by her Mama, right? [Privately she is probably kicking Daddy’s ass again for being so damn stupid!]

BOCA RATON, Fla
. - A South Florida teenager who was captain of her high school cheerleading squad and had plans to become a doctor died after corrective breast surgery, a family attorney said Tuesday. She suffered a rare reaction to anesthesia and her life is gone at 18 years. How sad.

*&*&*&*&


Now I waited all day for this – K-Fed gets booed on his birthday! The former dependent spouse of Britney Spears was booed and given the hook after an extended, expletive-packed turn at the microphone during his bash at hot spot Pure.
"The DJ tried to take the microphone back after about three minutes, but he just kept going," an eyewitness tells Us. "It didn't make any sense what he was saying. He was just blabbing on." [And we thought Britney was a crack up, it must be something in the water – both acting like nut cases!]

*&*&*&*

Oh ya, we got all this related stuff happening too. Obama and Brad Pitt are long lost cousins, and Jolie and Hillary are also long lost cousins, well, ain’t that just special! Hummm, I’m related to Adam and Eve – so where does that put the rest of you? Hi cuz, how’s your day going?

*&*&*&*&

MADRID, Spain - A small piece of jawbone unearthed in a cave in Spain is the oldest known fossil of a human ancestor in Europe and suggests that people lived on the continent much earlier than previously believed, scientists say. Wow, wonder what the rent was back then?

*&*&*&

Poor Hillary she just is having a Britney kind of week, can’t catch a break for she-it! Hillary Clinton has told another whopper, and she’s been found out. Last week, during a campaign stop in Washington DC, she gave a vivid description of a dangerous trip she made in Bosnia in March 1996. At Tuzla airport, she said, "I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base."

But journalists and others on the trip recalled an entirely routine arrival at Tuzla. As a result, CBS dug out the footage which shows Clinton and her party – including the singer Sheryl Crow and the comedian Sinbad, there to entertain US troops - stepping calmly off the airplane and walking at a stately pace along the runway. A smiling First Lady was then met by a local eight-year-old girl who presented her with a letter.

Confronted by the CBS evidence, Clinton shrugged off her memory lapse as a "minor blip". "So I made a mistake. That happens. It shows I'm human, which for some people is a revelation." [Made a mistake, shows I’m human – are you asking us to actually buy this crap?]

*&*&*(&*


And this has been your recent news update – now, go back to sleep or fix dinner but first, have a nice cold beer – who in hell knows what the rest of the day will bring!!!

JUST STUFF

Some times it is just fun to let the ole mind wander and allow curiosity to flourish. It’s a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

First up are answering machines. Boy howdy, some folks got some cute messages, others are boring as hell and some, well, they just ain’t worth mentioning. The following is rather cute in my book:

Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot

Then there’s that saying, joke, funny remark, or witty retort someone made that had you giggling all damn day. My sister is famous for these suckers and I can barely catch my breath before she zings another one at me! Here's a few to brighten your day:

Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

"I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?"

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June flower.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

I'm just driving this way to get you mad.

Keep honking--- I’m reloading.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet! [this is her favorite, sadly she says this to many people]

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! [she likes to remind me of this every time we see each other. All because I told her I had people!]

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

***********

Okay, I have stalled enough. Time to decide what is getting packed for my Florida trip and what I can leave home – hell, I still have six days, no need to rush this packing crap. Best to "think" on it a few more days!


OMG the sun is out again today – amazing. It snowed last night, rained this morning and now sunshine – be still my heart! Imagine soon we can toss aside the heavy winter clothing and enjoy the freedom of air, sun and wind hitting our arms, legs and feet not just our faces! Oh give it up, you know what I mean…ye gads, you are touchy to day.