The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may
I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My precious little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog."Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
My Travels
My
Travels
I have been in many
places, but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in
Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been
in Sane. They don't have an airport. You have to be driven there. I have made
several trips there, thanks to my family, friends and those where I have
worked.
I would like to go to
Conclusions, but you have to jump and I am not too much on physical activity
anymore.
I have also been in
Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too
often.
I've been in Flexible,
but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in
Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite
places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up
the old heart. At my age I need all of the stimuli I can
get.
Now if I can just avoid
getting in Continent.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Shave and Hair cut
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get a good shave. He says he can't Get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a small wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and Tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. The Barber proceeds to give the old man a shave.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the Cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what Would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
As for me, next week I am headed to Rochester and looking forward to spending some time with my sister,who has been in Florida and has tales to tell, my grandson will definitely entertain us, my daughter is always a fun gal to hang out with and the indoor pool shall beckon me often as long as the water is warm, unlike SUNY Potsdam's pool that has slightly chilly water and no freaking ladder to use to get out! Upper body strength is definitely needed -- ladder is built in to and under the water and there's one skinny pole you grab to haul your ass out...not a pretty picture for us old folks. Getting in is kinda, sit down, scoot and plop in and let that cold water caress your body! By the time you are numb, you like the pool!!! But come on Rochester and so looking forward to seeing and doing things at the Strong Museum and there's other spots we can hit as well. Too bad the girl has to work but the "retired" ones shall definitely have fun with Clint!!!
On the exercise front, still can't get out and walk in the mornings as the icy sidewalks to do invite a decent pace and something about falling prevents me from even wanting to hike around town. However, I am doing some new exercises I read about and they aren't too bad...oh ya, in the privacy of my own home. Lots of upper body strength and hey, light weights help to reduce the flab under the arms too...not a good place for a tattoo unless you're thinking Flag and wish it to fly? Ya, visualize that and giggle.
Yes, Lent is right around the corner, Wednesday in fact and this year, my sister-in-law and I plan to give up sweets (all sweets mind ya) and she's also giving up beer/alcohol. As for me, hold on a sec, I'll need the booze if I can't have any sweets! In case you wonder, its not just Roman Catholics who give up or take up something for Lent, Protestants also engage in this fasting...but we ain't real keen on eating only Fish on Friday!!!
So as I prepare for my trip, lists are being made, last minute shopping considered and at some point, packing shall commence. Oh the fun of it. Take care, have a great weekend and for crying out loud, smile!
The barber gets a small wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and Tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. The Barber proceeds to give the old man a shave.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the Cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what Would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
************
I know, gas prices are just unreal and someone said; "they're gonna hit $5 a gallon by summer." Well, that will cause many to reconsider driving on vacation, eh? Then again, air fare isn't cheap either! Buy a horse, get a covered wagon, pack stuff up now and leave next month and you'll be in warmer climates by late April or early May! Think of the fun you'll have??As for me, next week I am headed to Rochester and looking forward to spending some time with my sister,who has been in Florida and has tales to tell, my grandson will definitely entertain us, my daughter is always a fun gal to hang out with and the indoor pool shall beckon me often as long as the water is warm, unlike SUNY Potsdam's pool that has slightly chilly water and no freaking ladder to use to get out! Upper body strength is definitely needed -- ladder is built in to and under the water and there's one skinny pole you grab to haul your ass out...not a pretty picture for us old folks. Getting in is kinda, sit down, scoot and plop in and let that cold water caress your body! By the time you are numb, you like the pool!!! But come on Rochester and so looking forward to seeing and doing things at the Strong Museum and there's other spots we can hit as well. Too bad the girl has to work but the "retired" ones shall definitely have fun with Clint!!!
On the exercise front, still can't get out and walk in the mornings as the icy sidewalks to do invite a decent pace and something about falling prevents me from even wanting to hike around town. However, I am doing some new exercises I read about and they aren't too bad...oh ya, in the privacy of my own home. Lots of upper body strength and hey, light weights help to reduce the flab under the arms too...not a good place for a tattoo unless you're thinking Flag and wish it to fly? Ya, visualize that and giggle.
Yes, Lent is right around the corner, Wednesday in fact and this year, my sister-in-law and I plan to give up sweets (all sweets mind ya) and she's also giving up beer/alcohol. As for me, hold on a sec, I'll need the booze if I can't have any sweets! In case you wonder, its not just Roman Catholics who give up or take up something for Lent, Protestants also engage in this fasting...but we ain't real keen on eating only Fish on Friday!!!
So as I prepare for my trip, lists are being made, last minute shopping considered and at some point, packing shall commence. Oh the fun of it. Take care, have a great weekend and for crying out loud, smile!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
The Scrotum Story
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery Performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith ." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my blonde wife the word is sternum."
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery Performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith ." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my blonde wife the word is sternum."
4th Marriage
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's,and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. (wait for it)
She smiled and explained, "I marriedOne for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, And four to go."(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.)
Monday, February 13, 2012
Saturday Funny
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Why Sharks Circle Before they Attack
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the Father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we Swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
No need to thank me, try to learn something new every day.
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the Father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we Swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
No need to thank me, try to learn something new every day.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
School Days
Involuntary Muscle Contractions
A professor at the University of Wisconsin was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to spice up his lecture.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
In the meantime, I shall enjoy the Sunday morning and wait to see what else happens. I really need to go to Wal-Mart but gotta tell ya, being retired and going during the week is much nicer, not so many people and you kinda have the entire place to yourself. Hubby is suggesting we go out for breakfast and I'm stalling --wonder who's gonna win?
A professor at the University of Wisconsin was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to spice up his lecture.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
*&*&*&*&*&
Yup, it is Super Bowl Sunday and yes, I have my chicken wings.
When my beloved Dad was alive, we would watch this game together and he always fixed chicken wings and other items (some were his own creation and still unknown to me to this day). And unlike many from his generation, he also had healthy snacks too, aka carrots, celery, peanuts, popcorn, etc. But nothing was better than his wings and a cold beer -- well, his company was certainly the best part. Ya, I do miss my Dad!
Naw, I don't really have a fave team this year, my son is a huge, dieheart Patriots fan so he will be cheering for them but I'm kinda leaning toward the Giants. I rather like Eli Manning and the Giants players. Oh well, we shall see, eh?
Cannot believe I woke up and it was 4 freaking degrees -- sun is again trying to shine, very light wind and supposedly it will get warmer today, might hit the high 30s. Now, if we should hit the 40s, haul out the sunscreen and shorts, eh?
In the meantime, I shall enjoy the Sunday morning and wait to see what else happens. I really need to go to Wal-Mart but gotta tell ya, being retired and going during the week is much nicer, not so many people and you kinda have the entire place to yourself. Hubby is suggesting we go out for breakfast and I'm stalling --wonder who's gonna win?Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Church Ladies With Typewriters
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
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