Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Church Ladies With Typewriters
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Stay off your Bicycle
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Ya, go ahead and tell me you did not laugh, you're laughing your ass off right now, admit it? And if you need to ask what's a Schnauzer, forget it and get a life!!!
Well, the rain went away this afternoon, hells bells the sun even came out and the temp went up -- 75 degrees -- is that insane? So, I planted some Daisy flowers someone had planted in a pot and we'll see how they do in my so called flower garden (the space around my deck!).
Whatever else is happening, I am so tickled that the hummingbird is back -- he shows up a couple times a day and so far so good. Wish he would bring his friends but hey, little steps (or wings) at a time, eh?
Getting lists made and starting to "think" of the items I need to pack and wish to take to Minnesota. Ya, gonna head out soon and witness my oldest grandson's High School graduation -- its gonna be a blast.
Have a good one!!!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
OMG
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
Okay, it is Saturday and life is good. Went to Massena, drove those folks nuts, picked up some seafood for dinner and some other stuff. Came home, watched Tennis and still waiting for the "wrenters" to show up in my Mother's Day Bird House. Following all the "ideas/suggestions" that I should put "food nearby," hang away from places big animals could attack and so on. Hell, I even put some dried grass inside and seeds -- what more could they want -- I am not gonna build the damn nest for them!
So what shall the evening be like? Who cares, got my seafood and I'm golden and yes, I also got my beer -- would I not have beer handy? Come on!!!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Idiot Sightings
Please be Careful Out There!
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.' We haven’t used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' From Kingman, KS.
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, ’its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and they VOTE and they REPRODUCE
Saturday, April 11, 2009
HAPPY KEESTER TO Y'ALL!
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY
Don't put all of your eggs in one basket
Walk softly and carry a big carrot
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
There's no such thing as too much candy
All work and no play can make you a basket case
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits
Some body parts should be floppy
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans
Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
Have a grand weekend and keep smiling! In case I don't get back to blog before I depart for Florida, yes I will attempt to bring the warm weather back with me.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Bad day at Hallmark
It's kind of fun to capture raindrops in a tulip leaf or is that snow drops? Hard to know this time of year. However, so far my tulips are thriving. Did have a critter show up two nights ago, had a little feast, went and got some smelly spray and no more critters. I gotta tell ya, that spray smells like skunk -- even I don't want to go near the flowers - yikes!Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day???
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My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
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Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
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Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
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I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
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Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go.....
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
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Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
HERE WE GO AGAIN
Well Moonbeam, here we go again and again thar are days when we should not listen or read because things are just flippin weird.
How about the guy with agonizing abdominal pain, he’s like 71 years old and gets told, “Based on your visit today we can tell now you are pregnant!” Makes you wonder who was working the ER that day doesn’t it?
Or the man who wakes up from surgery, which he signed to have and discovers his penis is gone and now he’s suing the hospital[claiming he wasn't told about this and would have liked a chance to get a second opinion, forget the cancer had spread and this saved his life] and he wants is penis back! Find anything and sew it on so he'll shut is stupid mouth!
Now this one should never be tried at home…supposedly if you are trying to lose weight (hello who isn’t these days), you should have a bowl of your favorite treats (that would be candy) readily available. The challenge is to stop you from eating said candy? Are you nuts? Hide the damn stuff or better yet, don’t have it in the house and then you can really avoid it completely –why in hell punish yourself with such a dumb challenge? Hello, who has the brain cell today?
I wonder if watching cartoons would be helpful. The last time I watched cartoons was with my grand kids and I had to have them explain what these creatures were doing – it was all weird to me!
Well, are we in for a wet weekend or just a wet Saturday? Ya, I know I could check myself but why bother – regardless of the answer, it is still the weekend, right? One more week or maybe two, and then, it will definitely be time to put away the summer stuff and get things ready for the cooler weather. I still haven’t done anything in regards to tulip planting and that needs to happen pretty soon too. Oh well, plenty of time – no need to rush – said the person who stood shoveling 5 feet of snow.
Oh by the by, does anyone remember the ole tale about caterpillars? You know, the rings around them indicate storms or some such stuff? I saw my first caterpillar the other day, thick black ring at both ends and a relatively wide gap in the middle that was brown. So does that mean we get one hell of a storm at the beginning of winter, then it turns mild and one more storm before the winter ends? Ya, what in hell do those rings mean? Keep me posted – its always fun to rattle the cages!
The more ya laugh the less ya pee!
Sorry just gotta add this -- found it on the Internet -- why keep you in suspense:
The Great Debate - no not the one tonight between McCain and Obama but the debate that is raging across the country between the two most formidable signs of winter weather.
One side is the persimmon seed. Legend is that you cut open a persimmon and if the seed is in the shape of a spoon it indicates lots of heavy snow. A knife shape means bitter cold and fork shape indicates a lighter snow/ mild winter.
The lowly woolly bear caterpillar just crawls along doing his or her thing. If it has a large band of orange color, the indication is that it will be a mild winter. If it is mostly black, then it will be a rough winter.
So, what are the candidates saying about winter? So far the persimmon seeds are all about snow. I have had 30 reports from 13 states and over 100 seeds. 98% are spoons (snow) and 2% are a knife (bitter cold). These reports come from New England through Texas. On the other hand, the caterpillar is being extreme. Nine people are seeing either an all orange or all black caterpillars. We have had 5 orange (mild) sightings and 5 black (rough winter) reports. It is still early and I may make up a special weather map based on the signs being reported.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Weigh-in
Oh sorry, this ain’t what you think – come on, I’d share my weight with you people – NEVER!
I’m sure parents who have school age children know this law but for me, someone who hasn’t sent a kid to school in decades, legislation passed in 2007, and went into effect this month, was an eye opener. This requires public schools outside of NYC to collect and report a summary of students’ weights and body mass indexes as part of an effort to combat childhood obesity. Hey whatever you measure you can improve – huh?
Doctors will now be required to test students when they come in for a student health certificate (which is mandatory) for attendance in NY state schools. Now the information will be confidential and collected at school entry and in 2nd, 4th, 7th and 10 grades. The data will be passed on to the state Department of Health unless parents ask to have the information excluded. Wait a second, how can a parent ask to have this information excluded, isn’t this required by legislation? OR does this mean if I object, the data on my kids is excluded? If that is the case, this is bogus, right?
Okay, let’s say nobody objects, after all they are not going to use names, right? Most likely it’ll be by area and school districts and/or schools. So they got all this data, now what? Will spend hundreds of thousands of dollars studying the data and what, eventually get a report that says; “In the data collected, 65% of NY schools have obese students.” Well, shit don’t we know that just by looking at these kids?
Is just me or do others think that maybe, just maybe instead of waiting for some researcher to tell us we got fat kids and an obesity problem, which we all ready know, that the funds would be better spent on an acceptable educational program. One that not only addresses but allows students to get involved in programs that result in changing their eating habits and participating in fitness programs that works for everyone not just the gifted athletes?
Damn what a concept! Are we so sure only adults know how to address this issue and kids aren't smart enough to offer us valid, useful information? Hello, they are the ones getting fatter and they'll end up like are fat asses (some not all of us okay) unless we become partners with them to make positive change! Are we gonna ask our kids to wait until they are older, like us, to realize they need to lose weight, that they're asking to not only die young but suffer due to extra strain they are putting on their heart? We need to get everyone together now and do something, screw the data crap --let's stop the fat!
Well I can’t wait for the next research project, can you? Maybe they’ll come up with one that tells us what sex we are – we obviously don’t this either! Damn I wish I was smart –being this dumb really hurts!
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everyone has the same size bucket!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Just News
Wow, politics just gets more – what is a good word – invasive, as more and more stuff is brought to our attention.Now we hear that Palin’s 17 year old daughter is pregnant, plans to keep the baby and marry the father! Gee, is that supposed to cause us major concern or what?
Stop it. Unmarried 17-year-old girls get pregnant every day in this country — too many of them — and they come from strong, healthy families, and broken, dysfunctional families, and conservative families and liberal families. Bristol’s pregnancy says nothing about Sarah Palin’s suitability to be the next vice-president just as Obama’s youthful cocaine use, or his middle name, says nothing about his suitability to be the next president.
Hey I am not saying who to vote for or that one candidate has something better to offer than the other, frankly my dear, so far I haven’t heard much about either that is helping me decide but we got lots of campaigning ahead of us and hopefully, we’ll get some real issues on the table!
Okay, on to other tidbits – Couple exchange vows in Funeral Home! And this footnote – bride was not crept out [and yes she can see and hear!] Now you can sleep easy, this rates right up there with “heard it all!”
Oh wait – there is more, ready? LONDON (AP) -- Oscar-winning British actress Helen Mirren said she used to love cocaine, but stopped taking the drug after learning that a Nazi war criminal profited from the trade, according to a magazine.
The 63-year-old, who won an Academy Award for her role in "The Queen," was quoted by GQ magazine as saying she used to dabble in marijuana and cocaine when she was younger.
"I loved coke. I never did a lot, just a little bit at parties," Mirren was quoted as telling the magazine in an interview, which was made available to the media Monday. "But what ended it for me was when they caught (Nazi war criminal) Klaus Barbie, the Butcher of Lyon, in the early 80s. He was hiding in South America and living off the proceeds of being a cocaine baron.
"And I read that in the paper, and all the cards fell into place, and I saw how my little sniff of cocaine at a party had an absolute direct route to this ... horrible man in South America," she was quoted as saying. [no additional comment, imagine!]
And I'm fixing stuffed green peppers for dinner and wonder what in hell am I thinking, doing something so bloody normal!
Friday, August 22, 2008
FOR THE LOVE OF MARTHA
HARRISBURG, Pa. - The maker of Snickers bars and M&Ms candies said it is raising wholesale prices on various items to offset the higher costs of raw materials, packaging and energy, the second major candy company in the past week to announce such a move.
Damn now even our unhealthy snacks and comfort goodies are gonna get so damn costly we won’t be able to afford them either – gonna be a damn cold winter, eh?
But wait it gets better – read this tidbit:
TOKYO - A 61-year-old Japanese woman gave birth to her own grandchild, using an egg donated by her daughter, a clinic said Thursday.
Ya, I can see all you 60 year olds and older just biting at the bit to do this number for your kids – what? Watch your mouth I was just kidding!
Well, with luck my digital phone service will be fixed today and I mean fixed. Since the sucker was installed I would hear callers say; “you’re breaking up; I’m hearing every other word; are you still there?” And sometimes I’m chatting away only to learn I’m in dead air space – nobody on the other end. It’s not like I spend hours on the damn phone, that ain’t my idea of good times, but when I must be on the phone, I would like to hear what in hell is being said! This service supposedly is cheaper than what I had before and I’m beginning to understand why – it doesn’t work, therefore you don’t use it much!
Looks like another lovely day for us country bumpkins – can we tolerate two warm days in a row? Yesterday was cause for many to get outside and mow lawns and even rake up grass but not me, I sat outside with friends, drank beers and swapped stories – most relaxing and slept like a baby last night too.
Now these little cuties were next door and enjoying the apple tree, later they came over and nearly joined me on my deck -- brave suckers, eh? A few years ago a deer actually was on the deck and being overly smart, had the damnest time getting off -- jumping didn't seem possible and turning around didn't seem to work either. Eventually, in total frustration, he jumped over the rail and off he went, never to return. So for his deck jumping number he went to Bejing and entered the Olympics -- did you see him?Saturday, July 26, 2008
Amazing or Just Flat Out Unreal
Let me give you a couple examples:
Qantas airlines had a hole, not a tiny little hole but a BIG hole in their plane, so they landed and put passengers in a hotel while – now this is the part that got to me – while they repaired the airplane. Does that mean, they’ll patch the hole and continue on and if so, would you like to fly on this plane? [duct tape and good to go, yup, can't wait to get back on board]The second goodie is “Weekends Ruin Diets!” Duh, and how much did we pay for some idiot to tell us what we all ready knew? Amazing, eh? Oh it gets better – after you recover from that brilliant deduction, someone came up with this theory or idea – and I happen to think it’s wonderful and for one reason only – I hate bathroom scales.
Supposedly you should toss out bathroom scales, they are bad news, well, not totally bad but not that helpful. Yes, it is nice to know what you weigh, especially in the medical field because it helps determine how much medication you should have, etc. But for the everyday person, bathroom scales are bad news. They do not take into account your age, height, bone structure, hip size, etc., and that is what most people are trying to reduce.
So instead of bathroom scales, once a week grab a tape measure and do the following – measure around your stomach, hips, thighs and upper arms and record the results. If you are dieting and do this, you will see changes and be happy and encouraged to continue your diet and physical fitness routine. Bathroom scales, even used once a week can lead to depression and anger management issues.
Then we have the “entertainment” dazzlers – now I admit I don’t know much about Amy Winehouse but now she wants to have kids, twins but hubby is in the slammer! Like I said, I know nothing about this woman, I am assuming she’s a singer but what she sings is unknown to me. Lately there has been all sorts of stuff about her and supposed drug habits and how she is going to lose her voice, face, head, etc. if she doesn’t stop smoking and using drugs—and she seems to make headlines wherever she goes (whatever in hell that means). In my opinion she is weird and I do mean weird.
Then we have the world’s only magnificent twins that supposedly some magazine is willing to pay $16 million for the first ever photos! Are you shitting me – 16 million for photos of babies who haven’t done a damn thing but be born to globe-trotting-adopting-parents? I was one of seven kids and I don’t recall anyone asking for our photos or a magazine splashing my arrival on the cover! Talk about deprived – man, I was completely overlooked – how in the hell did I survive? How did my parents survive? Oh, same-same for you too – okay, I’m cool with this now, thanks!
So it is Saturday and gas prices have come down a bit – I mean in Norwood gas was $4.31 and had been for a few weeks, today its $4.29 – so I should rush and fill my tank before it jumps back up, eh? Oh and I might suggest to hubby that he fill up the gas containers for the lawnmower too. Other than this, I think I’ll grab my fish pole, get some worms and head to the river – sounds like a plan to me.
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
THIS & THAT AND OTHER

HEATER AND AIR CONDITIONER
Yup, it’s that time of year to have our heating and a/c system checked over and out. Hey, I’m sad to report that I had to turn my heat on last night, well, early this morning. I was bloody arse cold! What is up with this damn weather anyway? Didn’t anyone tell Mama Nature it’s MAY! And what’s with all this rain – did she get the month’s mixed up again – I mean, isn’t it April showers bring May flowers? This woman is losing it – early dementia or something – ye gads!
Dollar-friendly Destinations
The economy is faltering, the euro is clobbering the dollar, and traveling to the far reaches of luxury is costlier than ever. But I did some digging and have good news: For every Barcelona, there's a Buenos Aires; for every Marrakesh, a Tunisia. And fear not: No one's about to suggest you strap on a backpack and call the Eurail office — or even make you ride a camel. These ten high-value destinations are every bit as chic and luxurious as their highfalutin counterparts, but they'll make your greenbacks fly a lot further. Are you ready for these “dollar-friendly destinations?”
Little Corn Island, Nicaragua
Buenos Aires
Portugal
Santa Cruz Valley, California
Jordan
Ho An, Vietnam
Barbados
Warsaw, Poland
Tunisia
Isle Holbox, Mexico
Boy, I’m excited to visit anyone of these places, how about you? Well, maybe not Vietnam, as a Nam Vet I’m still a little hesitant about going back there!
Rising Ripoffs
Thousands of cast iron manhole covers in cities across the country have been pilfered in the past year. Chicago lost 200 in one month, with 40 reportedly taken in a single day. This is not some prank, oh no, thefts of manhole covers increase as metals prices soar – boy, folks will go to any means to make money these days, eh? People have been known to fall in these sewer holes and get injured – six-foot fall is not funny. And even this doesn't stop clowns from taking manhole covers -- talk about sick, ye gads!
Many schools unlikely to meet education goals
The federal No Child Left Behind law says that by the 2013-14 school year all students must pass state tests in these subjects.[passing scores in math and reading]. And guess what, many schools aren’t even close to seeing this happen. So what happens?
Schools that don't hit testing benchmarks for two years in a row or longer must do things like provide tutoring, transport kids to better-performing schools or replace staff thought to be a part of a school's problems. [Tell me something, what other job can you name that after three years you are just about tenured for life? I mean you gotta do something really bad to get your butt fired --sorry, I can't think of any, can you?]. I know teachers work hard and our children are blessed to have dedicated teachers, so how about teaching and meet these educational goals!
Don’t look now but I am seeing sunshine and as soon as things dry up a bit and it warms up a little, I plan to get outside. Need to run errands anyway and while out and about, I shall bring my camera and who knows, maybe I’ll find some interesting shots. [ By the by, why do we call it "run" errands? Why not "walk, stroll, crawl, skip," or some other word? It's always been run, odd, eh?]




