Woodpeckers

A few weeks ago, I looked out and had five – 5- blue jays on my deck and thought, “Wow, must be convention!” Now, I know not everyone likes blue jays, they are pigs and smaller birds really do have to wait or fight to get to the food box but hey, survival is survival, right? I have plenty of bird feeders and although this time of year doesn’t really require much food in them, I still fill'em up to keep the birds coming to my place…ya, bite me!!!



However, lately I have found myself with “woodpeckers,” and I mean, lots of woodpeckers. Ok, I do have a tree dying in my back yard and that bark is real nice fodder for them but how the hell do they find the tree in the first place. And to gather in my yard, on my deck and eat from my bird feeders is just flat out a sight to watch.



Now the pileated woodpeckers (which seem to be the ones here) are the largest of the common woodpeckers found in most of North America (ya I know you are interested in these facts). Here are some more facts:



• Most woodpeckers have four toes. Two face forward and two face backward. This arrangement is called “zygodactyl.”


• Their short legs and sharp nails make it easier for them to cling to bark.


• A pair of stiff, centrally located tall feathers, allow the bird to “tripod” itself on trees. This facilitates a solid platform from which the woodpecker can strike the tree with its beak. These important feathers are not molted until their replacements have fully grown in.


• A straight, chisel-like bill is used to excavate holes in trees for nesting and roosting. It is also used for foraging insects, insect eggs and larva.


• Woodpeckers lay 2-8 white eggs. Both parents aid in incubation. The young are born blind and naked.


• All woodpeckers have a characteristic wing-beat pattern while flying: 3 flaps and glide, 3 flaps and glide….(ya, you’re gonna watch now, aren’t you?)



You know that woodpecker hammering you hear now and then? Actually it can be heard from a great distance to the actual bird and they also use it to attract mates and to announce the boundaries of their territories. Pairs establish territories and live on them all year long. So if I leave this tree up, I’m gonna have woodpeckers all year, eh? Sorry, drummer-heads but the tree is coming down…dead tree is not good and leaving it could result in it eventually falling and causing some damage…not a good idea.



Now you have insight into woodpeckers and you thought this was gonna be a silly day!!!



I’m O.C.D.---old, cranky & demented.

Saturday's weather ain't looking so good, its currently 63 degrees but its also -- you know what I'm gonna say --raining!  I was really hoping it would be dry today and I could mow the yard but hey, this continues much longer and I'll need a farmer to come by with a real mower -- hell, might even have enuff to bale too.

Earthquake

Okay, you felt it, right?  Oh come on, everyone is talking about the quake that hit our area around 1:40 this afternoon.  What?  You slept thru it?  Have no clue about this? Damn, wake Up!!!  You know this is gonna be the only thing talked about for the next few days, right?

Gotta tell ya, I have lived all over the place, stateside and overseas, and I have witnessed tornadoes, hurricanes and even earthquakes but I never in my life suspected one in my neck of the woods -- upstate NY are you kidding me???

Here I was, watching Wimbledon tennis matches, no big deal, got up to put the baby's bottle in the sink and suddenly it felt like the house was shaking or wait, was I having a stroke (not that I ever have had one or even know what in hell they feel like)?  I mean, this shaking wasn't just a quick little shake and done, nope, this shaking hung in there a few minutes[okay, 45 seconds but it seems like minutes].  It was a bit annoying and puzzling.  However my tennis matches were keeping me happy, so I had to rush to the computer and hit the local weather station to learn, yup we had a freaking earthquake.

Now the "scale" is incomplete -- most agree it was at least 5.0 but many are saying it 5.5.  And the center?  You ready for this? Ottawa -- that's just two hours from us -- wow. 

Now, we shall (so they say) have some after effects (what more quakes) and tonight we are to prepare for some major thunder-bumpers.  Look, as I understand it, Florida would love this freakin rain, can we direct it that way and have them send some of that heat our way?  I don't want it blistering hot but I would like to see the gardens flourish for a change!!!

Okay its "pasture bedtime" so I am outta here...have a good evening.

The Stella Awards

Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual “Stella Awards.” For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head and say WTF. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for the past year:

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California , won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching .. There are more......

Double hand scratching after this one.....

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

Only two more so ease up on the scratching....

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware , sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ..... Oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

OK. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her –- are you sitting down? --- $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Saratoga

Last week was kinda a trial run for Clint and I.  We went to Saratoga with Mommy so she could attend the SUNY Cap Conference but more importantly, this was his first real long road trip.

Soon he will depart with his parents for a trip to Maine [and I get to house sit instead of kid sit,much easier I suspect]-- and in the Fall, Grammie shall accompany Mommy on high school visit in New Jersey...While she does her thing, Clint and I shall do our thing, which means, lots of stroller hikes and finding quaint places to explore.  I suspect by then, he will be walking...he's about had it with this crawling number.  He is fast but even he knows, two feet move faster than two knees!

Now take a look at this birdhouse?  I put this one facebook and many asked if it was mine (they are so kind) but one gal wrote "great, even the freakin birds got government housing!"  Even more amazing was throughout this park, which was quite huge, there were various bird houses and quite elaborate at that...lucky damn birds.

The other thing was lots of freakin ducks.  I mean, the ducks are the main attraction at this park for damn sure. They are everywhere, wait, near the water and to be honest, there isn't alot of duck poop, I mean you can walk about without stepping in shit (which is good).  Clint was pretty impressed with them, finally something smaller than him!

Saratoga is a nice city/town/village -- lots to see and do and easy walking around the town -- did I say "easy?"  Yes, the downhill walks were delightful, but coming back up the hill, pushing the stroller definitely was a workout I had not prepared for so I found a new route so I could avoid that freakin hill.  I still had a hill to get over but not as steep and offered me other sights to enjoy as well.  Including the reality that if I had turned left when I left the hotel, I would have walked to Dunkin Donuts, Stewarts and Pizza Hut...instead I went right and headed downtown to all the quaint little shops!  In fact, when I did stop to eat, thinking the baby wouldn't mind, as soon as my food arrived, two bites and he was ready to move on -- okay, lesson learned.  Buy shit to go and eat in the freakin park!!!

All in all folks it was a fun outing and although I came home exhausted, it was a good exhaustion (is there really such a thing?).  I always have a good time and yet, once home I need my catch up rest and my own bed -- oh hell, I also need my chair naps!!!

Did you hear about the guy who wouldn't go out with his wife because she was a married woman?

Ya same guy who thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease.

And finally let me leave you with this thought: some days you're the bug and some days you're the windshield.

So keep smiling and remember, life is good as long as you're on this side of the dirt.  Nobody has told me about the other side!

Rules for Kickin Ass

Rules for the Non-Military

Make sure you read #13

Dear Civilians, 'We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.

For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are

a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass.



2.. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag

in protest - kick their ass.



3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the

highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.



4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were.

Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling Others that you used to be 'Special Forces'.

Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.



5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them,

'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such

ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).



6. If you witness someone calling the Coast Guard 'non-military',

inform them of their mistake - and kick their ass.



7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on

your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your

heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be

carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe

ass-kicking.



9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying

it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore would kick your

ass!



10. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines*), 'Grunt' (*Army*),

'Squid' (*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers'(*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of

endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service

member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them

could get your ass kicked.



11. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the

military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and

religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please

remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our Country would get it's ass kicked.



12. It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of

the press. It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech. It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate. It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.



AND ONE MORE:


13. If you ever see anyone singing the national anthem in Spanish -
KICK THEIR ASS.

Gonna Be A Bear

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd Like to come back as a bear. When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, your suppose to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake up to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs I could definitely deal with that. If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. you swat away anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. 
YUP, I'M GONNA BE A BEAR!

&^&%*%^^

Another Saturday and another rainy day -- I'd build an Ark but I'd need a permit and I ain't about to go ask for one...could you imagine the hassle that would cause?

The Temp is hovring in the low 60s and the wind, well, of course the wind is blowing. But I've been stuck in the house long enough, I'm gonna go drive Wally World Nuts for a while...well, maybe I'll just go to Walgreens and see if I can't bug them instead.  It really doesn't matter, I just gotta get out and see something beside my TV and living room.  Shit, I just need fresh air!!!

Birds & Updates

Oh come on, it’s been a while since I bored you with my bird watching. Well, now it’s taking on a whole new twist and I almost feel like a stalker!!!


My son sent me this lovely bird house, a first for me, and I tried various locations on where to put this house. I was advised to place it near or have the bird feeder nearby and eventually birds would come and use it. Well, I wanted it close to the deck so I could see them but that wasn’t working out as nicely as I wished, so I moved it back to the tree line. Hell, I have binoculars; I can still “watch” the house. Ya, waiting for “wrenters.”






To coax them, I tossed in some bird seed, some dried grass and even a couple twigs, what the hell, a starter home should have a few items right? Then I noticed I did indeed have wrenters and I was quite a happy camper. However, a big ole wind came up one night and when I looked out I could not see the bird house…what the hell?


So I hike to the tree line and discovered it had been blown off the branch and I needed to re-secure it and this time, I was gonna make damn sure it would not blow off again – unless we got a tornado (of course, in due course we would be under tornado watches – just my luck). That is when I noticed how ambitious these birds are – talk about twigs, they had so many in this tiny house I wasn’t sure how in hell they fit there. My sister, upon hearing this story immediately inquired; “you didn’t rearrange the twigs did you?” Hell, just straighten stuff up, added a desk, chair and tiny TV set – hey, let’s make’em comfy!! You do know I am joking, right?

Now the house is secured to the branch, have a feeder close by and once again, the wrenters are back inside and in due time I suspect eggs will be laid and hatched and young birds squawking their bloody beaks off. Oh the joys of a bird wrenter and all because my son decided bird feeders were fine but a bird house, now that is what she truly needs. Maybe he’s thinking; “let her see how things are for birds and when it is time, we can put her in a tiny room, too!"

Once again, a wet Thursday – hells bells, I am sick of this damp weather. It was half way nice yesterday, managed to get a few outside chores done but never did get the yard completely mowed. Did the trimming and pushed the mower in those areas a riding mower can’t reach and cleaned up the tulip flower bed –now to add more seeds or plants so it doesn’t look so barren. Hey, I’m with you, we could use a couple dry days and some warmer temps. Pretty damn sad when you hear folks say they fired up the wood stove or had to turn the heat on because the temps were in the low 40s and the damp air was making everything cold. And this is June!!!

BTW how many of you remember speeches made at either high school or college graduation commencement?  Me neither so why have the suckers?  It's always the same crap, "follow your dreams, dream big, forget dreams, follow your heart," and so on. Bottom line, what we should be telling these kids is: "look, don't even think you're gonna have a starting salary at sevent-thousand, get over yourself.  And you know what,get off your lazy asses and get outside and realize there's a world out here and maybe, just maybe you'll come up with a business that makes sense and works."

To all the grads, congrats, I wish you a wonderful future, truly I do and if nothing else, keep a positive attitude and keep smiling.  And, by the way, pay off that college loan, okay---someone else needs those funds now!!!  Thanks

Words to Live By

Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are....



1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.


2. You need only two tools, WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.


3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right. "


4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. Crow is easier to eat while it's still warm.


6. The best advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"


7. If someone says that you're too good for him or her, believe it.


8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month?"


9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!


10. Be really nice to your friends and family. Some day, you may need them to empty your bedpan.

This is Real Ask Snopes

Don't pick up any plastic bottles that may be laying in your yards or in the gutter, etc.



Pay attention to this.

1. a plastic bottle with a cap.


2. a little Drano.


3. a little water.


4. a small piece of foil.


5. Disturb it by moving it; and BOOM!!


6. No fingers left and other serious effects to your face, eyes, etc..

People are finding these bombs in mailboxes and in their yards, just waiting for you to pick it up intending to put it in the trash. But, you'll never make it!!! It takes about 30 seconds to blow after you move the thing.

We got some sick damn minds out there -- people got way too much time to think up sick crap like this!

Well, it is Saturday and from the looks of it, it's gonna be a damp, rainy day...and I am sure the humidity is gonna be high too..damn.  Oh well, I still plan to head to Wal-Mart and check out a few things -- haven't been in a couple weeks, so I am overdue a Wally-fix.  You all have a great weekend, okay?

This is what kids do when bored -- gotta love'em!

GED

The following questions were from last year's GED examination - These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons


A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink


A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed


A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans


A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on


A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections


A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids


A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age


A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty


A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes


A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination


A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour


A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)


A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?


A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?


A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control


A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'


A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?


A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness


A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?


A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning


A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?


A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?

A.  Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head