2009 Gone – Welcome 2010

After 11+ years of faithful service, my electric can opener just up and quit – rude sucker. So, first I had to hunt for one of those hand-cranked openers (this was a search and destroy mission, as I found stuff that should have been destroyed [tossed] years ago). Yes, I finally found one and yes, thank you very much; I did remember how to use it.

Now I needed to buy a new electric opener, right? Hubby more or less wanted the same kind as he spent considerable moments explaining to me how he “attached” this to the cabinet and it was NOT an easy task to accomplish. Guess he was pretty proud of his work and felt a replacement would either hide any flaws or maintain his stature of can opener-installer! Whatever, we began the search for a new electric can opener.

Couldn’t find one exactly like the old one so we settled for one of those fancy ones, you know, just put if on the can, push a button, and it twirls around the can and opens it like freakin magic. Let me tell you, those suckers are a frustration no human should have to undertake! Wait, let me share the instructions:

1. Grasp the back of the can opener (WTH is the back?)
   


2. Flip up the hinge magnet so that it is in position to hold the can lid (like bloody hell)
   


3. Raise the piercing lever up and position can opener so that the rim of the can is firmly against the can guide and under the cutting blade. The base (feet) of the unit will be parallel to the counter (who the shit writes this stuff?)
   


4. Press the piercing lever all the way down to energize (now I got a rabbit?) the can opener and pierce the can. It is not necessary to hold the lever down once cutting begins (notice the once reference). Except for short cans or cans with a small diameter, you can let the can opener rotate freely around the top of the can without holding it (ya, in your dreams).

Okay, none of this works, trust me, those instructions shit the bed big time. I was ready to toss it out the door, my frustration level was extremely high but Hubby called and said, “let me try and if I can’t work it, we’ll throw it out together.”

He spends about ten minutes, twisting, lifting, lining up and eventually he does get it to work but the look on his face was “this sucker should be tossed, and yes, we are buying a different one.”

So, if anyone is looking for a slightly used (one can only) can opener, got one you can have in a heart beat but you will need to sign a release waiver so I am not held responsible for your frustration levels or panic attacks.

That’s how I ended 2009 and I’m gonna welcome 2010 with home fries, eggs and toast and of course, drink of your choice (yes, silly you, beer is now a breakfast drink).

No, no, and furthermore no, resolutions are absolutely crazy and nuts. We won’t keep or do half of them so why bother to make them. Just enjoy life and savor every moment, what more could you possibly want. Have a great 2010 everyone---its gonna be awesome.