Losing Pounds

I sit here and giggle, oh hell, I burst out in a rolling laughter. We are done with the holiday season and even before it ended we were advised how to avoid over eating and adding those extra pounds. Like any of us listened to that crap. All those goodies, are you kidding me? Once a year and we pigged out…damnit, it was made with love and for us, how rude would it be not to eat this stuff?

Now we are again being blasted to drop those pounds. Let me ask you something, if you drop something, don’t you have a natural tendency to bend over and pick it up? So don’t tell me to drop pounds because that means, eventually I’m gonna bend over and pick them up again, right?

How about “losing” these pounds? Doesn’t that make more sense? We all know if we lost something, it will be found the last place we look, right, so if we don’t look for these freakin pounds, they’ll stay lost, right? I mean, how simple is this??? Brilliant, eh? But wait; now we got some blind clothing expert telling us how to dress ten pounds thinner…are you for real?

• "Lose” five pounds by matching your pants or skirt, stockings and shoes. You’ll seem 10 pounds lighter if they’re all black! Is the one-color thing too tame for your taste? Slip on a pair of bright shoes to shake things up.
• Remember the number one secret of slim dressing: proportion. Full, round shapes on top and bottom will make you look…full and round. So always accentuate your smallest part by pairing your more generously cut pieces with a snugger mate. Balance a wide leg pants with a fitted shirt, a miniskirt with a longer top, etc.

Now, don’t ya love all those so called “famous” clowns telling us to try this program and that program, they even have before and after photographs (hey, I can manipulate a photo to make you look skinny as a twig too). Some of these claim the food (meals) will be shipped directly to your door (notice nobody has said how much these cost) and they are –ready for this – freshly frozen BUT you get to add fresh grocery items----excuse me, didn’t I just pay for a complete freakin meal?

Huh, you think I have some magic solution to all this losing stuff? Get a life people, I am right there with you, trying to lose these pounds and find that body I had when I was in my twenties, hell, I’ll even go for my 30’s or 40’s – by 50 – stuff was shifting south at an alarming rate.

Go ahead, listen to all these claims, try all the diet fads, and get pissed when none work. What you need to do is clear your mind and your thinking. First, you ain’t gonna be skinny! Got it, you ain’t gonna be skinny. Second, start walking, you want to remain mobile and walking is free – walk around your house, outside, park further from the front door of a store but WALK. Third, instead of a bag a chips, how about an apple, grapes, an orange, hell, even some celery or carrots, hey,nuts are good for ya too. Fourth, fool your eyes, use a smaller plate – hell, you won’t be tempted to put so much on it – it’s smaller, remember! And Fifth, stop obsessing about this shit, relax, enjoy life, just don’t be a hog at the dinner table and sneaking food after everyone has gone to bed ain’t smart either. Drink more water!

There -- that is my rant on pounds…don’t ya love it. Now, keep smiling and don’t get upset with me, you’re the one trying to lose those pounds…here’s some simple ideas on how to accomplish that and it didn’t cost you a red cent!!!