As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Twist on Blonde Joke
A blond city girl named Amy married a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher said to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn.. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here."
The rancher left for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrived and knocked on the front door.
Amy took him down to the barn. They walked along the row of cows, and when Amy saw the nail, she told him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asked, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. �How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple -- by the nail that's over its stall," she explained very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man said, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blond turned to walk away and said sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on!"
(It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)
The rancher left for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrived and knocked on the front door.
Amy took him down to the barn. They walked along the row of cows, and when Amy saw the nail, she told him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asked, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. �How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple -- by the nail that's over its stall," she explained very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man said, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blond turned to walk away and said sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on!"
(It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)
%^&***
I know its an ole joke but sometimes the oldies are the best. So, here we are, Sunday and soon January shall disappear and we'll welcome February, aren't you excited? Ya, and this weekend and next week, whilst the snow shall be more like a dusting, now and then, it's gonna get colder -- ye gads. Gotta tell ya, this has been a rather cold, chilly start to winter and frankly, I'm ready for it to end.
Yes, I do like winter, I love the winter sports and activities. I mean, snowshoeing has become a passion and I truly enjoy hiking in the woods or just trekking around my own yard. I gave up on cross country skiing, never could get the hang of it and while I enjoyed downhill in my younger days, even that doesn't appeal as much anymore. I love just walking in the cold, fresh, cold winter morning air too. But alas surgery in January has stopped this year's winter fun but I shall be back next year and make up for the lost opportunities.
In the meantime, I am behaving myself, following doctor's orders and allow my body to heal. I dislike this inactivity but as my energy level is rather low, I accept it and know it will improve in time.
So you all have a lovely Sunday and keep smiling, okay?
Friday, January 28, 2011
Southern Marriage Counseling
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when,through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then,grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal
his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya' doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good Lord, Cletus, ya' scared the bejeezers out of me," says
an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do
something sexy to a tractor."
(Don't make me come 'splain this to you!)
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then,grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal
his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya' doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good Lord, Cletus, ya' scared the bejeezers out of me," says
an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do
something sexy to a tractor."
(Don't make me come 'splain this to you!)
&&&&&&&
Wow, Jan 28th, this month has flown by, eh? Been watching the Australian Tennis open and first Nadal is out and then Federer...amazing. I just wonder if the Serb is gonna win a grand slam or will Andy Murray, Britain's wonder hope, will finally get that monkey off his back and win his first ever grand slam. Whatever its gonna be a fun match to watch.
Yes I had surgery on January 13th and I'm in the slow recovery process...I hate that I can't get back into the activities I like but I have learned, I must let my body heal...just wish to hell it would heal faster. And this soft-low-fiber diet is the pits too. Small meals but more often if you can stand it -- but most of all, lots of sleeping.
Hey have a great weekend, life is good.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
This was Funny.....:)
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.Not finding the bar code, she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
( Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, " Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.... "
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use paper from the photocopier," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
(Brunette, by the way!!)
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer...."
Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency!"
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh...it is all true.
Perks of reaching 80 or being over 90 and heading towards 100!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10 You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
And never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.Not finding the bar code, she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
( Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, " Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.... "
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use paper from the photocopier," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
(Brunette, by the way!!)
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer...."
Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency!"
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh...it is all true.
Perks of reaching 80 or being over 90 and heading towards 100!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10 You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
And never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Beer & Colonoscopy
Dr Visit for a colonoscopy ?
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room
And told me to get undressed and have a seat
Until the doctor could see me .
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me
I sat down
While waiting I observed
That there were three items on a stand
Next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer .
When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused This is my first exam .. I know what the K-Y is for
And I know what the glove is for, But can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his new nurse .. . . .. . .
Darn it Evelyn !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room
And told me to get undressed and have a seat
Until the doctor could see me .
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me
I sat down
While waiting I observed
That there were three items on a stand
Next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer .
When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused This is my first exam .. I know what the K-Y is for
And I know what the glove is for, But can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his new nurse .. . . .. . .
Darn it Evelyn !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Fluctuations
Today's word is................. Fluctuations
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
(You know you're laughing...)
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
(You know you're laughing...)
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
More humor
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.
'Only the Ten Commandments. ' answered the lady.
========
'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.'
~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.'
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'
========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'
========
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'
========
A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question, ' Boys and girls, what do we know about God?' A hand shot up in the air. 'He is an artist!' said the kindergarten boy. 'Really? How do you know?' the teacher asked. 'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.... '
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. 'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.' The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.' Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'
Told ya, a little humor to kick off the day -- gotta love it, eh?
'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.
'Only the Ten Commandments. ' answered the lady.
========
'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.'
~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.'
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'
========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'
========
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'
========
A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question, ' Boys and girls, what do we know about God?' A hand shot up in the air. 'He is an artist!' said the kindergarten boy. 'Really? How do you know?' the teacher asked. 'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.... '
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. 'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.' The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.' Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'
Monday, January 10, 2011
Keeper
Their marriage was good, their dreams focused.. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress; lawn mower in his hand, and dish-towel in hers.. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.
It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.
But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more. Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away ...never to return. So ..While we have it ...its best we love it ... And care for it .... And fix it when it's broken ... And heal it when it's sick.
This is true ...For marriage ... And old cars ... And children with bad report cards ... Dogs and cats with bad hips ... And aging parents ... And grandparents, aunts and uncles and friends. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
Some things we keep. Like a best friend who moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special ... And so, we keep them close in heart and mind and spirit.
I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper', so I've sent it to the people I think of in the same way.
Good friends are like stars ... you don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.
But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more. Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away ...never to return. So ..While we have it ...its best we love it ... And care for it .... And fix it when it's broken ... And heal it when it's sick.
This is true ...For marriage ... And old cars ... And children with bad report cards ... Dogs and cats with bad hips ... And aging parents ... And grandparents, aunts and uncles and friends. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
Some things we keep. Like a best friend who moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special ... And so, we keep them close in heart and mind and spirit.
I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper', so I've sent it to the people I think of in the same way.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Grandma's Boyfriend
Grandma's boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and
watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend...'
The minister fainted.
Now, that's funny..... I don't care WHO you are.
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and
watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend...'
The minister fainted.
Now, that's funny..... I don't care WHO you are.
Cow, an Aunt and an Old Fart
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow: I give 20 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
>
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>
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> Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something....
The Cow: I give 20 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
>
>
>
>
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> Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something....
Saturday, January 8, 2011
End of the Year
As we progress through the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip becauseI can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone becausesomeone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..
I no longer buy cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up R2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip becauseI can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone becausesomeone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..
I no longer buy cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up R2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Here We Go Again - Winter Advisory
The National Weather Service in Burlington has issued a Winter Weather Advisory for St. Lawrence County from 10 a.m . Friday until 7 p.m. Saturday with accumulations of 4 to 8 inches of snow predicted. Light snow is expected to begin this morning and continue through Saturday evening.
Motorists are advised to be prepared for snow covered roads. With 5 to 10 m.p.h. winds expected, there is a possibility of blowing and drifting snow.
Don't ya just love how this weekend is taking shape? Wasn't it just a couple weekends back when the snow all melted, the temp was in the mid-50's and some were foolish enough to think, ah Spring is here! Hello, its just January, we got a few more months of this cold stuff...get real people.
Gotta tell ya, I like winter, I mean, I like sledding, snowshoeing and even skiing (cross country still escapes me tho) and while ice skating has proven something ole age is not gonna let me do again, I did do this as a kid too. But this winter, has just been strange and with the up and down temps, I swear I got the dampness in my shoulders and it just will not go away. I cannot seem to get warm and yes, I am layering and doing all sorts of things to stay warm, but if I sit very long, the chill is back. Damn!!!
Anyway, what I am looking forward to is kayaking this summer. I mean, an inflatable kayak for Christmas and I'm so anxious to try this sucker its unreal. I know that we'll "dry run" this in my yard, inflating and deflating and once comfortable and confident, off to the river we'll do. I imagine my daughter and I shall laugh our heads off and giggle like crazy figuring how to use these oars and what have you but I also know we will figure this out. And in due course, I will most likely be able to take this kayak out and launch it on my own...paddling along with no worries or cares -- oh man, I can hardly wait. But wait I shall, after all...we must have our winter fun first, right?
Loved hiking back up the hill after a sled ride down.
So I have no idea what your weekend plans are but with this winter snow advisory, I would suggest you give yourself plenty of time to get places and hey, do is all a big favor and stop the tailgate number...leave some space between cars and remember, ice doesn't give a rip if you have 4-wheel drive, it still causes major slides!
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, YOU grow old because you stop laughing!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Hump Day - Again
Ya, that was so original – we get this freakin day each week, big deal, eh?
So I got up and while it was still dark, I headed to Curves – I mean, come on, what’s up with this dark scene at 7 a.m.? Good ole workout, always is good and then, stopped to pick up a few item at the grocery store. Do you know that if possible, grocery shopping in the early morning is the best time – hardly anyone there and while stocking is happening, they’ll get you whatever they haven’t put out yet and think this is just wonderful? Cracks me up!!
The news about the world is just unreal. We got dead birds dropping from the sky and no real answers as to why this is happening. The last theory (and damn we get many) is the birds were all settled in this huge ole tree, a big ole wind came along, swooped them up, toss them around, shocked the living hell outta them; shocked they were dead, fell to the ground! Hey, pass the word, do not settle in that damn tree ever again, eh?!
Then we got some insight into what airlines are charging these days. Even charging for carrying on luggage you cannot stow under your seat! On some they charge you for those 100 year old stale peanuts – seven bucks!!! Oh and my all time favorite, pay to use toilet paper – you gotta take coins with ya, so you can get paper to wipe your butt…are you kidding me!!! All of a sudden Kleenex is becoming a really good travel companion, eh?
And what about all these silly New Year resolutions? Some, make that half are all ready broken. Why in hell do people do this? Why would you make one just at the start of the New Year anyway? I mean, give yourself some time to adjust to 2011 before you commit to some resolution you may or may not keep. The biggest is always the same – dieting! Damn, everyone has a diet for you to try and promises all sorts of goodies. I love the cleansing one – shit yourself skinny! Forget what it does to your body, like remove valuable nutrients you need to be healthy!!! Personally I have found the low carbs diet is best – don’t eliminate carbs, just reduce how many you consume. And once again, the best exercise and one we all can do, is walk. Just friggin walk…go at your own pace. I know snow and ice makes this awkward, I wear those lovely cleats on my shoes and even then, I don’t step out as quickly as when the roads are clear but it does keep me upright. And if the weather is really nasty, walking around my house works too. I know this really irks some but vacuuming actually burns quite a few calories too.
Okay, it’s Hump Day, middle of week and soon we shall move and the weekend shall be upon us – life is good my friends, life is good. Oh by the way, I am so far behind, I thought I was first, how about you???
So I got up and while it was still dark, I headed to Curves – I mean, come on, what’s up with this dark scene at 7 a.m.? Good ole workout, always is good and then, stopped to pick up a few item at the grocery store. Do you know that if possible, grocery shopping in the early morning is the best time – hardly anyone there and while stocking is happening, they’ll get you whatever they haven’t put out yet and think this is just wonderful? Cracks me up!!
The news about the world is just unreal. We got dead birds dropping from the sky and no real answers as to why this is happening. The last theory (and damn we get many) is the birds were all settled in this huge ole tree, a big ole wind came along, swooped them up, toss them around, shocked the living hell outta them; shocked they were dead, fell to the ground! Hey, pass the word, do not settle in that damn tree ever again, eh?!
Then we got some insight into what airlines are charging these days. Even charging for carrying on luggage you cannot stow under your seat! On some they charge you for those 100 year old stale peanuts – seven bucks!!! Oh and my all time favorite, pay to use toilet paper – you gotta take coins with ya, so you can get paper to wipe your butt…are you kidding me!!! All of a sudden Kleenex is becoming a really good travel companion, eh?
And what about all these silly New Year resolutions? Some, make that half are all ready broken. Why in hell do people do this? Why would you make one just at the start of the New Year anyway? I mean, give yourself some time to adjust to 2011 before you commit to some resolution you may or may not keep. The biggest is always the same – dieting! Damn, everyone has a diet for you to try and promises all sorts of goodies. I love the cleansing one – shit yourself skinny! Forget what it does to your body, like remove valuable nutrients you need to be healthy!!! Personally I have found the low carbs diet is best – don’t eliminate carbs, just reduce how many you consume. And once again, the best exercise and one we all can do, is walk. Just friggin walk…go at your own pace. I know snow and ice makes this awkward, I wear those lovely cleats on my shoes and even then, I don’t step out as quickly as when the roads are clear but it does keep me upright. And if the weather is really nasty, walking around my house works too. I know this really irks some but vacuuming actually burns quite a few calories too.
Okay, it’s Hump Day, middle of week and soon we shall move and the weekend shall be upon us – life is good my friends, life is good. Oh by the way, I am so far behind, I thought I was first, how about you???
Monday, January 3, 2011
We Need a little Humor
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!' His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, 'I do know!'
'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?'
'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,' It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play 'Here's
a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to
think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.'
During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers
and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as
much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up'. At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner.' And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
The son replied, 'I do know!'
'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?'
'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,' It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
888888
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play 'Here's
a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to
think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.'
During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers
and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as
much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up'. At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner.' And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
The Charlie Schulz Philosophy
(Scroll thru slowly and read carefully to receive and enjoy full effect).
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip.
You don't have to actually answer the questions.Just ponder on them.
Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4 Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers.
They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies.
Awards tarnish.
Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier?
The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money...or the most awards.
They simply are the ones who care the most.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia!
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip.
You don't have to actually answer the questions.Just ponder on them.
Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4 Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers.
They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies.
Awards tarnish.
Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier?
The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money...or the most awards.
They simply are the ones who care the most.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
OMG I am Rich
O.M.G., I'm rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Ass
Iron in the Arteries
And
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.
See, you too are rich and never knew it, glad to be of service! Ain't life grand? Oh come on, we take ourselves way too seriously, lighten up, smile, enjoy life, be a kid once in a while...go outside, toss a snowball, go sledding, make a snow angel or for once, go visit someone and LISTEN to them...shut up and just listen!!!
Hey, it is true that you never really learn to swer until you learn to drive?
What???
Okay, its January 1st and everyone is doing okay, right? But wait, we look out the window and the snow is just about gone and the temps, well, the temps are rising every minute. It actually hits the high 50s before the day ends.
In the meantime, our grandson, who was just getting into this snow scene, i.e. sledding, walking in snow, touching snow, etc, is walking around wondering what in hell happened? So, he decided to straighten Grandpa's outside lights, do a walkabout and even checked out the displays in the front yard. Then, he came inside and decided to help Grandpa make an apple crisp. All of which afford his mother and I a chance to play Wii games. Why do I play with this girl, she always beats me!!!
So we begin the New Year with the green grass and muddy look of spring out our windows and decent temps. Oh come on, we know this ain't gonna last and soon, the snow shall return and we'll be back to all the wonderful winter sports and outdoor activities. And yes, today is Sunday so that means --you know what it means--FOOTBALL!!!
Have a good one!!
In the meantime, our grandson, who was just getting into this snow scene, i.e. sledding, walking in snow, touching snow, etc, is walking around wondering what in hell happened? So, he decided to straighten Grandpa's outside lights, do a walkabout and even checked out the displays in the front yard. Then, he came inside and decided to help Grandpa make an apple crisp. All of which afford his mother and I a chance to play Wii games. Why do I play with this girl, she always beats me!!!
[click on photo for bigger viewing]
So we begin the New Year with the green grass and muddy look of spring out our windows and decent temps. Oh come on, we know this ain't gonna last and soon, the snow shall return and we'll be back to all the wonderful winter sports and outdoor activities. And yes, today is Sunday so that means --you know what it means--FOOTBALL!!!
Have a good one!!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Irish Alzheimers
A CASE OF IRISH ALZHEIMER'S
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really loved that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really loved that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.
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