Pinch My Nipples

A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?';
In a huff, the woman says,'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'
The crowd broke into applause, and her money was quickly refunded!!

&&&&&&&

Well, tis the last day of January and I gotta say, this month has zoom along and brought us some really odd weather patterns, but mostly we have dealt with freezing rain and ice.  Our poor trees are bent over so badly that some just flat ass snapped and others, well, they may never return to an upright position. Two trees in my own yard have snapped and others are bent pretty low and hanging on for all they are worth, which ain't much.

 And in the course of all this ice, many lost power and learned how to live like a pioneer (no Internet -- how sad).  For kids "no school" which made them happy!  Plus, we have had lots of high winds and I mean, howling suckers -- ole Man Winter has blown things around good and I've seen bird feeders miles from where they originally hung and trash cans now gone forever.

Then the temp would go back up, hell we'd reach the high 30s and one day in the 40s and the birds came back --hungry, scared and anxious to check out various diners.  I am seeing cardinals, blue jays, chick-a-dees and those forever damn cackles.  No cackles in my yard tho.  Wait, I am not seeing Cardinals in my back yard, no yet.  They are timid little buggers but I have seen them at my son-in-law's yard and my sister-in-laws, so I just gotta be patient (not a strong trait).

Today Clint is with me and we got a few things planned.  For example, making Monkey Bread, this should be fun.  We also got a few things to paint, which is messy but fun  and of course, Meme got some new books to entertain him too.  I love having him spend the day with me, he is so busy and fun.  The only thing that would make this more fun was if the other grandkids were here, yes they are older but Ella just adores Clint as does Alex and they are so cute together.

Okay, time to get ready for my special package -- he is due any minute.  Have a lovely day..oh come on, its the last day of January and then, on to the shortest month.

Making Firewood

Now this is one determined two year old, of course, Meme egging him on has some merit as well. But loved his expressions...ain't he gonna be a fun teenager?

Well, it is Friday and schools are closed due to icy roads and once again, our poor trees are covered in ice and bending again.  I doubt some of these birch trees will ever pop back up-- and many, sadly have just flat ass snapped.  Even maple trees can't stand this ice-weight on their branches. And of course, icy power lines and trees, means not only slick roads but, for many, loss of power.

As for me I am fighting off a damn head cold, hate this stuffy business and a nice, long hot shower, then vicks on the chest seems to be working. Someone once said, "rub vicks on your feet too."  Well, I didn't go that far!!!  But before I could even shower, I had to watch the tennis match.  I was so hoping Andy Murray would topple Novak but alas, he prevailed. So the final for the Australian open will be Novak and Rafa.

Oh my goodness, now it is raining, temp is hovering around 33 degrees, no wind but man it is damp out there and slick.  Have a good Friday and enjoy the video.

New Texas Priest

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is
nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his
sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step
out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with
one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand, and repeats all the
suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee
and saying, 'No shit, what happened next?'"

Ponder this

You can always count on Maxine to put things into perspective

I bought a bird feeder. I hung
It on my back porch and filled
It with seed. What a beauty of
A bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed. Within a
Week we had hundreds of birds

Taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
Easily accessible food.
But then the birds started
Building nests in the boards
Of the patio, above the table,
And next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was
Everywhere: on the patio tile,
The chairs, the table ..
Everywhere!

Then some of the birds
Turned mean. They would
Dive bomb me and try to
Peck me even though I had
Fed them out of my own
Pocket.

And others birds were
Boisterous and loud. They
Sat on the feeder and
Squawked and screamed at
All hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it
When it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
Sit on my own back porch
Anymore. So I took down the
Bird feeder and in three days
The birds were gone. I cleaned
Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built
All over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
It used to be .... Quiet, serene....
And no one demanding their
Rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.
Our government gives out
Free food, subsidized housing,
Free medical care and free
Education, and allows anyone
Born here to be an automatic
Citizen.

Then the illegal's came by the
Tens of thousands. Suddenly
Our taxes went up to pay for
Free services; small apartments
Are housing 5 families; you
Have to wait 6 hours to be seen
By an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
Behind other schools because
Over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
Bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
Talk to me in English, and
People waving flags other
Than 'Old Glory' are
Squawking and screaming
In the streets, demanding
More rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
To take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not,
Just continue cleaning up the poop

Bewildered Cowboy

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River . He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.


Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.
 

&&&%&&&&&

 

Well, it is Monday morning and dark outside so I have no real "look" at the weather conditions.  However, my temp gauge is claiming 12 degrees but the high today,supposedly will be 39 (with some rain -- huh?).  Normally I kinda like rain, nothing makes for better sleeping sounds than rain falling on the roof but in winter, forget it. Rain means ice and ice means slippery roads and walks and that means, fall on your ass or walk like you are 100 years old.  Ice also makes everyone look the same age just because of how we walk!

 

Yes, thank you I had a lovely weekend.  Attempted to go swimming at the campus pool (again, supposedly it was free public swim time) only to learn it is next weekend...shit!  Fun proving my swim  suit still fit but also reminded me, "buy a new suit this season!"

 

Had fun hanging out with my grandson for an hour or so, then my dau and I headed to town to drive store clerks crazy as we did our shopping. It was a fun outing but frustrating for her. Seems like every time she goes on line to get a script filled, it never is ready because they have to wait until she reminds them they needed to add the grape flavoring.  WTH?

 

Yes of course I watched the football games, first the Patriots kick ass and finally the Giants got their act together and now, these two are headed for the Super Bowl. As my nephew says, I could care less who wins, I'll be wearing my Bronco jersey, eating good eats and drinking beer."  Gotta love his attitude!

 

So Monday, bring it on -- I may have two sick kids to watch -- grandson and his Mommy -- oh how fun is that -- slap both their asses in bed and tell them to sleep and rest.  And now for a little insight into how grandchildren perceive their grandparents:

 

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Layman's Ten Commandments.

Someone wrote these beautiful words… try to understand the deep meaning of it…these are like the ten commandments to follow in life all the time…


1] Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.


2] So a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the Rear view Mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, Look Ahead and Move on.


3] Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.


4] All things in life are temporary. If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either.

5] Old Friends are Gold! New Friends are Diamond! If you get a Diamond, don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a Base of Gold!


6] Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!

7] When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.

8] A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!"

9] When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them, and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.

10] WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES, it takes away today's PEACE.

Snowshoeing

Yes, we finally got enough snow for me to engage in a winter activity that I just love -- snow shoeing.

First, I had to endure three miserable days of rain, slush, ice, snow, wind and below zero temps, not to mention a wind chill that had squirrels hiding more than nuts!

Then a heat wave hit, 23 degrees and damnit, I was gonna don my snowshoes and trek about, if only in my own yard, like a pro.  Oh ya, great weather, light snow falling, no wind and it was just wonderful.  Only one small problem, this idiot forgot to check her equipment and as I was so thrilled to be out and about, decided to extend my hike and quickly discovered (as I nearly fell on my face) that one shoe was completely undone.  The damn strap was not secure and eventually it managed to "wiggle" free and how in hell I managed to keep my boot in the strap at all was amazing. But when you feel yourself "tripping" with snowshoes, you know something ain't right.  Plus, you look pretty silly too.  Oh well, as folks watched me, from the cosy warmth of their front windows, I definitely entertained them, with my quick step and no-fall performance. But the slow, dragging shoe back home walk was anything but fun.

Once in garage I fixed this problem and chewed myself out (mentally) for not checking this before...damn ole fool.  Then I debated whether to continue snow shoeing or give it up for the day?  I gave it up...if you exert too much on the first outing, you could hurt yourself and that would delay further outings, so this was good...30 minute workout and a nice sweat going, I was content.

Okay, now I am like many of you folks, wanna lose some weight but ain't gonna go crazy with this diet and that diet.  Walking is kinda out of the picture what with the icy sidewalks and below zero temps and driving to some gym to walk around is not exactly my idea of fun.  Ya, snowshoeing is what I do when the weather permits and I also fire up the Wii fitness program and do that number and let's not forget the lovely Zumba dance.  Hey, I got no rhythm, so I just bounce around, work up a sweat and keep things flexible and moving.  Some days I get carried away, thinking I'm much younger and pay for it with a sore muscle and aching bones (walk much slower on those days too).
And like many I read all these weight losing ideas and healthy eating plans. Who in hell has time for all that shit anyway?  The latest was weight saving tips aroundthe world...oh ya, this was gonna be interesting.  I won't list all but some cracked me up:

• Eat slower -- Americans tend to eat way too fast, so slow down, enjoy your meal.
• Spicey food is good for you -- helps burn calories (also cuts down on what you eat cause your mouth is on fire!)
• Eat more rice and beans (don't go out afterwards and only hang around friends, they'll be the only ones who can stand you).
• Eat at home (what a novel idea).
• Forget ordering supersized meals, they no longer exits (did MacDonald's know this)
• Yes, for chrissake, EAT BREAKFAST. Every country makes this claim and has their own idea of what that should consisit of -- just eat something.
• Swap the gas pedal for the bike pedal (now in the winter this might be a bit awkward but what the hell Norway does it, so can we, right).
• Crunch more pickles -- well, ain't that amazing...

So, there is your healthy list for 2012 -- basically, it remains the same in my book, move your ass and cut back on calories. Eat more fruits and vegetables and exercise.  Weight will drop slowly but the biggest accomplishment will be the reality that you have changed your eating habits and now, you will feel better, keep the pounds off, and clothes will finally be baggy.

Retirement

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.


Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for a senior who still works and refuses to retire?Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Or move back in there . . .

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break spiked !

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he worked with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....

QUESTION: What do you do all week?

Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied..'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

A nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.I'm half blind,can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.I';ve lost all my friends. But, thank God,I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing

Farm Kid Joins the Marines

West Virginia FARM KID in Marines (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING )

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Reunion

OH ME !!!


Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's

leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at WalMart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Eggies

Okay, I admit it...sometimes those damn TV commericals get to me and I actually break down and buy some of that crap.  And to be fair, some times its worth it but other times,well, it's more a challenge and waste of money.  Ya, like you haven't done this too -- give me a break!

For weeks I have been watching (like I have a choice when those damn commericals hit) "never peel a hard boiled egg again," and look at all the fun things you can do with these eggies: crack, boil, twist and eat!  Make delicious deviled eggs, great for Chef salads and tasty eggs Benedict.  Ok now here is the real story.  First ya gotta wash these suckers, that is a given, right?

Then you gotta spray a paper towel with cooking spray and spread into the top and bottom eggie (not allowed to spray directly).  Then, crack an egg and put in the eggie, screw on top and once you get all this done, put in a pan with tap water, make sure the eggies float and bring to boil.  Once boiling hard, reduce to a low boil and cook per instructions...i.e.: soft, medium or hard boil.  Oh ya there is some give on the egg size as well.

Then use a slotted spoon, remove from water, wait 3-4 minutes (this is the lovely cooling process), twist off top, middle ring and slid egg onto your plate.  Hello, the cooking times suck and as for sliding out the egg, no way, I had to use a knife to loosen the sucker onto my plate.  And I was going for a medium soft egg...not this running glob that looked ugly as sin.  So, would I recommend this sucker?  Let me get back to you...at this point, I could have fried an egg faster and if I boil eggs correctly, peeling them is just part of being a cook and it ain't that bad, however, I will try again and see if I can't improve on this new toy.  Hey, it was on sale, so I felt safe giving it a whirl.

And how is your Monday going?

Love Story

Norwegian Love Story




Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he
told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”



So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da general store, den walked back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes,she asked him, “Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”

Kind of brings a tear to your eye

Making a Baby, Hope for the Best

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to....'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

&&&&&&&&

Like me, I too am attempting to get into some kind of weight loss routine.  I was doing quite nicely with this Wii Fit program and while it was fun and I was getting more flexible, I was also losing a pound here and there or maintaining my weight.  I wasn't being over careful with my meals but I was consuming alot of sweets over the holidays -- duh!  Anyway, I found this Nike training app for my iphone and decided to give that try.  Holy shit, talk about a workout...that was unreal.  Then when I showered and cooled down, I weighed myself and had gained a pound.  Holy shit, that was not the game plan.  Nike helped me gain muscle and that is not what I wanted at all!!!  Back to Wii Fit, thank you very much and yes, a very sore body too boot!

Gotta love the effort, right?  I'd love to get outside and walk but icy sidewalks and crampons just don't make me feel comfortable. If we get a tad more snow, I will don my snowshoes and truly get a workout and as I like trekking about with these on, in the woods or even the field across the street, this will definitely see this ole lady sweating up a storm!  So for all of you into a weight loss program, go slow and my biggest suggestion is learn to change your eating habits and if you do that, you will drop weight.  It won't happen quickly but once off, it will stay off.  Amen

Eight Thoughts to Ponder

Number 8 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6 Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

One Armed Man

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms.

He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy. My balls itch.

*****************************************************************

And the new year begins!  Hey, the temp is 39 degrees, its been raining like crazy and most of our snow has or is disappearing.  This is some weird weather pattern and I've yet to don my snowshoes and trek thru the woods, damn!

Not sure what this day will bring but one thing for sure, it's the start of serious weight loss. No more excuses or delays and I plan to do this easy and simple.  If i can lose 1 pound or 2 each week, that would be wonderful but I'm not gonna starve or deny myself the foods my body needs either.  However, I will cut back on the sweets, which I have enjoyed a great deal over the holidays.

So all you folks who have to day OFF, enjoy it and let the new year begin!

Happy New Year

Since the holidays are fast approaching, and you may be attending festivities where alcohol might be served, I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice bourbon.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident, which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.