Riddle of the Day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.


Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Answer below

 
 
 
 
 
The answer is: 'A Last Name.'







You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?

Cold

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING

65 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Upstate New York plant gardens.

60 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Upstate New York sunbathe.


50 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Upstate New York drive with the windows down.

40 above zero:
Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Upstate New York throw on a flannel shirt.

35 above zero:
New York city landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Upstate New York have the last cookout before it gets cold.

20 above Zero:
People in Miami all die.
Upstate New Yorkers close the windows.

Zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Upstate New York get out their winter coats.

10 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Upstate New York are selling cookies door to door.

20 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Upstate New York let the dogs sleep indoors.

30 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Upstate New Yorkers get upset because they can't start the snow-mobile.

40 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Upstate New York start saying...'cold enough fer ya?'

50 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
New York public schools will open 2 hours late

Monday

Yes, another Monday morning...life is good, right?  A lovely 20 degrees with a breeze but its not as brutal as it has been...and trust me, that sunshine is deceiving with a brutal wind.

And yes I did take my morning walk -- just around the block with a small extension to the diner to get the morning paper. As my normal, everyday paper does not publish on Monday, I hike down and get the Watertown Times.  A few days ago, I decided I was up to the task of extending my walk and baby, I paid for that decision.  I was not ready and at one point I was hoping someone would stop and ask me if I'd like a ride!!!  But I made it and it felt good but later that evening, I was just exhausted and I'm not sure the walk caused it or the case of diarrhea that hit big time! 

Hope you are having a lovely start to the week.  I get a new freezer today and that will be exciting.  We had chest freezers in the past and said, "no more, that is not gonna happen again," so this go around its an upright, thank you very much.

Yes it is a Christmas Cactus and yes, it is blooming now -- so be it.

Jails and Nursing Homes

Here's the way it should be:

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.

This would correct two things in one motion:

Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs, etc.

They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped
instantly... if they fell or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.

All meals and snacks would be brought to them.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.

Simple clothing - ie. shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.

There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.

Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.

They would receive daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.

The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.

As for the criminals:

They would receive cold food.

They would be left alone and unsupervised.

They would receive showers once a week.

They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.

They would have no hope of ever getting out.

"Sounds like justice to me!"

The Rules of Rural New York

Yes, there is a huge state beyond New York City and it is called Upstate New York. It has some beautiful large cities and is also full of MANY, MANY small towns and abundant farm land which we call Rural New York.

Here is someone's take on "Rural New York" and it's quite accurate.

THE RULES OF RURAL NEW YORK ARE AS FOLLOWS: Listen up City Slickers!



1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap around straight... your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. I drive a pickup truck because I want to.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-90 and I-81 go west and south... use em.

5. So you have a $60,000 car... we're impressed. We have $250,000 combines... to harvest corn and soybeans that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural New York waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat meat, taters and gravy, beans and biscuits, and homemade pie. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at Jim's bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the Saturday before Thanksgiving.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vege tarian special' on the menu. Order steak or chicken. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices... salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah... We don't care what you folks in Chicago call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI !!

13. You bring 'coke' into my house... it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long blonde hair.

15. The Syracuse Orangemen and high school football are as important here as the Giants and the Jets and more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards... it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have Cornell University, Ithaca
College, Syracuse U., Colgate, the SUNY syst em, Community Colleges, and
Voc-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and Country, and they still wave to everybody when they come home for
the holidays.

18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music anyway. We don't want to hear it any more than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1.)


19. Four inches of snow isn't a blizzard... it's a flurry. Drive in it like you got some sense, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and eggs off the grocery shelves. This ain't Alaska! Worst case... you may have to live a whole day without croissants. Anyway... the pickups with snowplows will have you out the next day.

20. If you've never been here, come visit our friendly folks and enjoy our spectacular scenery... lakes, farmland, great fishing and hunting,wineries, museums, lots of history. Take a boat ride on the Erie Canal. Check out Niagara Falls and the Adirondack and Catskill Mountains.

21. By the way, if you want to talk to God in New York... it's a local call.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!


FROM RURAL NEW YORK WITH LOVE...

The Tourist

A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is.

"These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today."

The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item.

When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night."


"Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose.

*********

Yes, it snowed last night -- did I honestly think the white stuff was over--in a word, YES!

What makes this goofy is my tulips are pushing up and ready to burst on the scene and I guess this dusting ain't gonna change their minds.....go tulips!!

So today is Open House at Potsdam State so that means going to breakfast is not gonna happen as every place will be crowded and I dislike waiting for my food -- so I shall just fix my own damn egg, so thar!!!

Hey, you all have a good weekend and best of luck to my grandson who is playing a huge tournament hockey in Canada this weekend and to the rest of the family, find some time to have some family fun away from the rink, okay?

Spring Forward

Ya, ya, everyone is gonna remind us, before we settle down for the night, push that damn clock forward an hour.  Hey, did you know doing this supposedly saves electricity?  Ya,that's the story behind all this crap!!!

Well, its Saturday and not too bad a day. Got a light dusting of the white stuff yesterday but hey the temp is 34 degrees, light wind and not too shabby.  I did manage to get a walk around the block in yesterday, roads were bare and except for some massive potholes and puddles, I did fairly well.  Hey, this was quite an accomplishment and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I miss my walks more than you can imagine.

My appetite is slowly coming back too but not to fast and I am still eating small meals, 4 or 6 a day vs the big three meal number. This is kinda nice now that I am getting use to it.  And slowly I am reintroducing stuff I was prohibited from having until now...oh man, I can't wait to sink my teeth into fresh veggies and fruit.

My Lent number was no sweets and so far I haven't given in to that desire.

So you all have a lovely Saturday and weekend.  My energy level doesn't stay up long but I sure am liking my chair naps.  My lovely dau-in-law sent me an electric blanket and no more cold for this Mama. What was stupid was I didn't realize it was electric, just thought it was this nice fleece blanket, until I unwrapped it and the cords fell out -- ye gads!

Tiny Cabin

THE TINY CABIN

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to Mountains of North Carolina and was on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Government workers are so very smart. Aren't you overjoyed that they'll soon be handling all our financial, educational and medical dilemmas?

Ya like you didn't laugh at this one -- sadly it seems like it really could happen, doesn't it?

The temp says 37 degrees, it did snow last night and it did rain and the road looks a bit slick but I have yet to check to ascertain whether or not schools are delayed, closed or still wondering what to do.

Yes, I hear ya, I too am getting a tad weary of these winter storms and just want the warmer weather to arrive.  March is definitely roaring like a lion so maybe May will be "lamb like" weather?  Hey did any of you visit Price Chopper in Potsdam lately?  Ye gads, its like a deep freeze in there -- someone should tell them to turn the damn heat on or something.









Kenya Elephant Experience

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .



On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

Ya, go ahead and tell me you didn't laugh when you read this, thanks Susie this was just great.

Well, its Wednesday but not just any ole Wednesday, its Ash Wednesday.  Now some give up something for 40 days and others do something for40 days and some do nothing at all..neither give nor take.  As for me I am giving up sweets, by that I mean, candies, choc cakes, donuts, etc.  Fruit is still fine but gonna try to stay away from the sweet, sugary stuff.  Ya, wish me luck.

Yes, thank you so much for asking, I am doing quite nicely.  Had a minor set back as I attempted to rush this recovery process and pulled a stomach muscle (that sucker hurt for weeks, still aches a little even now).  But I am back to behaving and have become a firm believer in the fact that you (1) cannot rush this process and (2) slow and easy is the only route one can and should take. 

I do what I can, when my energy level allows and that is all I can do.  I still can't lift stuff, which includes my grandson but he accepts that now --thank goodness. And slowly I am starting to cook a few meals -- simple and easy but it feels good. Today with any luck its spaghetti with Italian bread -- yummy.  I don't eat much so this will be a good leftover meal for the weekend.

Have a good one and keep smiling.

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!



Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!



Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.



This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

_______________________________

THURSDAY:

Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..

________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Fred's Funneral

Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ""Hey, Fred! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Fred. "He's in my bowling league."

 When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts t o rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Freddie.

 Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

 Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.

 Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.  Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Fred's funeral will be on Saturday.

March First

Don't ya just love how creative the title line gets -- man, this requires some deep, deep thinking!!!

Personally I can hardly believe it is March but hey, one can always hope that when the 20th rolls around it will not only be but feel like the first day of Spring.  This has been a long, cold winter and I felt the cold more than ever before and yes, ready for some warmer temps.

I was doing just great until last Wednesday when I woke up with horrible abdominal pain and decided, much to my displeasure, that I needed to go to the ER.  I mean, when I use the ER, I really need the ER.

The took a urine sample, blood and even had a CT scan and all the ER could say was possible pulled muscle but considering surgery was just a month ago, check in with the surgeon in a day or two just to be sure.  In the meantime, here's some Percocet -- take one tablet every four hours.  Oh man, I had no idea this contained or is just another name for oxycodine (something I do not do well taking and avoid as much as possible)--I did take one tab and that was that, ibuprofen worked much easier and didn't have me having these horrible nightmares. 

Long story short, saw the doctor on Monday and yes, it is a pulled muscle.  Lemme tell ya, it hurts like hell but just knowing this is what it is, is a huge relief. Come on, like you wouldn't think of other crap -- like something was out of whack from the surgery, now its kidney stones, hernia, etc.  I mean, its your belly and its hurting, you just don't know, so when you discovered pulled muscle, hell, you wanted jump for joy.  Still hurts but hey, at least you can deal with it now.

 I just over extended myself and now the Wii Fitness program has been shut down and I must allow myself time to heal, I cannot rush this process --damnit.

Behave Grammie cuz I wanna play and have fun again...you being sick is not fun!!!  I have no idea where this expression came from -- he's been showing many new faces lately and some are pretty damn cute....