Ways to Tell You’re Grown Up

Now the following outta wake ya up in good fashion and bring a smile onto your sour puss too. Enjoy, okay?

• Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
  
• Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
  
• You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  
• 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
  
• You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
• You watch the weather channel.
• Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”
  
• You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
  
• Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
  
• You’re the one calling the police because those X&*$# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
  
• Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
  
• You don’t know what time TACO Bell closes anymore.
  
• Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
  
• You feed your dogs’ science diet instead of MacDonald’s leftovers.
  
• Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
  
• You take naps.
  
• Dinner and a move is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
  
• Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
  
• You go to the drug store for Ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
  
• A $4,000 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.”
  
• You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
  
• “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
  
• 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
  
• You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
  
• When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh shit, what the hell happened?”
  
  
• BONUS: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends ‘cause you know they’ll enjoy it too.