Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement..

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway..

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Tis Friday and the outside looks inviting.  Yesterday, before it got blazing hot, my grandson and I had a lovely stroller hike over to the boat launch.  He was all eyes and watching everything but once at the water, he promptly fell asleep. Then when we got home, he woke up and was ready to play. By now Grandma was ready to sit and do nothing.  Oh well, he rules and we had a marvelous day.

So far (give me a break) my tomatoe topsy turvy plant is doing great.  I even planted some flowers (someone gave them to me) and they are thriving..I am watering these suckers every morning, so maybe I have figured out how to do this sheet after all.  Hey, I was a farm kid and as a kid, we grew everything and had no issues but I just forgot how to do this stuff...imagine that!!! Think I may get a couple green pepper plants and try my luck with them too.  Hey, I am not into this garden business, just a few plants to keep me entertained, okay?

I know, this time of year one does not need to feed the birds, but I continue to offer up bird seed and they continue to come to the feeders -- I do enjoy the little buggers. Wish to hell the crackles or crows or black birds would go away tho -- they are hogs.  Oh well, saw my first hummingbird the other day and wow, that is a pretty bird.  I will attemtp to capture him on film soon..did this years ago with a video camera and it was awesome.

Okay its Memorial Weekend, please remember the real purpose behind this day and thank those serving today and those who served in the past and especially those who gave their all for the freedoms we enjoy today.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It Happened at Home Depot

A Home Depot Story !

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. [she was drop dead gorgeous and wearing a top that definitely enhanced her body, if you get my meaning]

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"


The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.


Mary exclaimed, "My goodness that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.


From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"




Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."






This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!!!

Update on My Surgery

Dear Family and Friends,

Most of you know I went in for a small surgical procedure for a butt lift. I did not have the most pleasant of experiences. I wanted to show you how it turned out. Please, refrain from getting this procedure.

You will regret it!

Exercise

Exercises



The Doc told me to start an exercise program.

Not wanting to harm this body, I've devised the following:

MONDAY

Beat around the bush

Jump to conclusions

Climb the walls

Wade through the morning paper

TUESDAY

Drag my heels

Push my luck

Make mountains out of mole hills

Hit the nail on the head

WEDNESDAY

Bend over backwards

Jump on the Band Wagon

Run around in circles

THURSDAY
Advise the staff on how to run the store

Toot my own horn..

Pull out all the stops..

Add fuel to the fire..

FRIDAY
Open a can of worms..

Put my foot in my mouth..

SATURDAY


Start the ball rolling..

Go over the edge..
Pick up the pieces..

SUNDAY

Kneel in prayer..

Bow my head in thanksgiving..

Uplift my hands in praise..

Hug someone and encourage them..




What a Workout!

Ole Cherokee Saying

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.



He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."The other is God - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."






The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"






The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Library Card

I just gotta share this because it so darn cute.

My grandson called me and asked if I had a Library Card.

"I don't think so, " I replied, "but I know Grandpa has one for sure."

Just said yes Grandma, okay?

"Okay, yes I have a library card."

In a very big voice he said, I'M GONNA CHECK YOU OUT!" 

Well, our weather is staying nice, I mean, two days with temps in the 70s and I even turned the air on today because it was getting a tad warm inside.  Plus Clint and I got to take a long hike today (he fell asleep so I had to push both ways).  All in all a rather productive day. 

OMG

I got a new stick deodorant today.


The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.






I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.




Okay, it is Saturday and life is good.  Went to Massena, drove those folks nuts, picked up some seafood for dinner and some other stuff. Came home, watched Tennis and still waiting for the "wrenters" to show up in my Mother's Day Bird House.  Following all the "ideas/suggestions" that I should put "food nearby," hang away from places big animals could attack and so on. Hell, I even put some dried grass inside and seeds -- what more could they want -- I am not gonna build the damn nest for them!

So what shall the evening be like? Who cares, got my seafood and I'm golden and yes, I also got my beer -- would I not have beer handy?  Come on!!!

Woman Shot in Head

Woman shot in the head

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The English Language

How does anyone ever learn English? Do you think it is easy? Let's take a look.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .


3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.


4) The maid must polish the Polish furniture.


5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.


6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.


7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present ..


8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.


9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.


12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .


13) They were too close to the door to close it.


14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.


15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.


17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.


18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.


19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.


20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.


And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?


If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat ? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?


How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.


English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?


At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?


Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?


We call UP our friends.


And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.


We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.


At other times the little word has real special meaning.


People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.


To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.


A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP..


We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.


We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !


To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.


In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.


If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.


It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.


When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .


When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...


When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.


When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.


One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP!


Now it's UP to you what you do with this email.

Retirement Home Test

During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, how do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?"

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Ya, like you got that without reading all the way down...uh huh!  But you did smile, didn't ya?

Getting a Hair Dryer Thru Customs

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.


The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Weekend

Here we are, May 8th and it should be warm, sunny and comfortable spring weather with a strong hint of summer in the air. But NO, we got temps hovering in the 40’s, rain, high winds and a chill that seeps into your bones and makes you feel a hundred years old (have no clue what that feels like or actually means, but cold bones ain’t pleasant and age has damn little to do with it).

To make matters worse our weather reports say this nasty stuff will continue throughout the day and tonight, oh yes tonight, the temps will drop even lower and guess what? You guessed didn’t ya –we could see that dreaded white stuff.

So what does all this really mean? It means we all put away our winter stuff way to early; i.e. snowshoes, snow blowers, shovels, snow tires, etc. Hell, we even mowed our yards, raked and in some cases, even planted a few things early in the hope they’d take root and grow faster. Oh ya, we be anxious for the warm stuff and home grown veggies (assume we don’t end up with some blight, disease or root rot like last year). And in some cases, we hauled out the patio furniture and started grilling too (I know some grill all year long but many have a kinda set schedule and grilling in snow ain’t exactly the most pleasant experience).

In the meantime, I have been to Florida – drove this year and came back with a lovely tan (first time I went and did not burn) and damn, it is slowly disappearing – now that is not fair! My newest grandson hit the six month mark and he also hit BIG in my book. This was the preemie who arrived at 5.5 lbs and now weighs in at 17.10 lbs and is 26.5 inches tall. What happened to that little boy? He is now crawling up a storm and this week decided not only can he crawl, but he can pull himself up too…however, he isn’t all that steady, so he falls a lot (which irks him, gets cry now and then and shortly resumes this act again and again).

On the brighter side our son had his latest Mayo Clinic check up and he texts me that “will call later, I am NED.” Now this has me totally stumped – what in hell does that mean? Did he mistype some work? Well, in due course I would learn this meant “no evidence discovered,” which in English came to mean: complete REMISSION! Talk about happy, everyone is happy for him and he’s got a huge smile on his face. Those damn tests are not fun but these results were fantastic!!!

So as Saturday continues to be wet, damp and chilly, hubby and I stopped at Lowe’s a bought some new blinds (the wooden type I will clean, not those plastic suckers). He now has a project for this afternoon and me, well, I will watch some TV and most likely have a chair nap!

BTW everyone have a lovely Mother’s Day Weekend and don’t forget to call Mom tomorrow, okay? Yes, life is good, we’re still on this side of the dirt and that counts for a lot, right?

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'


I jumped down and walked out of the office...






When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'


(You're gonna love this....)




She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'

Are You A Doctor?

3 Nickels

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boys testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boys testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, Ive never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?


No, the woman replied. I'm with the IRS

Retarded Grandparents

"RETARDED" GRANDPARENTS

Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do.


After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:


We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Handicap Doors

Okay, I am all for these buttons that those who need them can push so the doors open for them. Hey, you don’t have to be totally handicapped to use these suckers and that’s no big deal.

However, I was in Watertown yesterday with my grandson, we got done shopping and I was leaving the store, pushed the handicap door opener and one set of doors opened nicely, allowing me and the stroller plenty of time and space to walk through. Now I am between doors and no freakin button and now, I gotta turn around, open the damn door and pull the stroller toward me and out the door. Who the shit came up with that stupid design? Isn’t one handicap button pushed supposed to open both doors?

As I’m struggling with the door, none to pleasantly I hasten to add, this lovely woman says; “hang on a sec, I will help you.” Oh goodie, my tantrum is cut short and I thanked her but made the comment about the stupid button and she replied, “Yes, it’s dumber than whale shit!” Gotta love those that help ole people!!!

Nice day shopping and Watertown is like a new world after being stuck in upstate and store after store has closed. Hey, I like Wal-Mart, truly I do, but I do get sick of that being my only option and the Mall, well, we still have some shops in there but damnit, some are upping prices to make up for lack of customers I think….ye gads!!!

BTW (that's by the way, in case you aren't into the new texting spelling) -- supposedly if you separate bananas they remain fresher longer -- who'd of thunk!  Gee, if I leave my beer uncorked, does it remain fresher longer too?  Screw it, I'm drinking the beer, as for the bananas, what the hell, separate them, who cares, gonna eat'em up pretty fast anyway!