So you want to Marry a Millionaire....:)

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ''But we don't know anything about each other.'' He said,''That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.''

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

''That was incredible!'' she said.

''I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.''

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.'

'That was incredible!" he said. "Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?''

''No,'' she said, ''I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.''

See you knew a laugh was gonna hit this site today, didn't ya?

Electronically Challenged Seniors

TO THE BRILLIANT, UNDERSTANDING PERSON WHO WROTE THIS; THANK YOU............ PLEASE KIDS/GRANDKIDS; READ THIS AND TRY TO CUT US SOME SLACK.

Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness. One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.

I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim line phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing. Never could figure that out. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn’t figure what to do with them and gave up. That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa’s crazy text messages. Give me a break. Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn’t that what they were invented for?

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger. One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly fishing. "Way to go, son." Or in my text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat south of Ellensburg, Washington. We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this strange thing.
His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn’t called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that “dealing with an elder” despair look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son’s client’s changes and he had the signed documents in hand. My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on the Yakima River with us. He then called his clients and told them he was faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad." I guess I am. I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouse, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space. That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GSP lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone ring.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say "Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it‘s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?

What Does it Mean?

Just when I had lost faith in our educational system, I find something to restore my confidence (somewhat).

Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see something like this.......Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was"Political Correctness."

The winner wrote: "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

(This guy has nailed it.) - My sentiments exactly!

The Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we’ll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.

Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....

Rambling Thoughts

Let’s get the calendar out and down, so we can really look at it, shall we? It is August 27th and yes, the temp is reading 42 degrees – now the question is; “why is Mother Nature’s knickers in a twist?” Man, she really likes messes with us, eh?

I like many was sorry to learn of Ted Kennedy’s passing…I was never a big fan however, like many the name itself held tremendous interest and if nothing else, they never failed to hold our attention. One thing I do say about Ted is that he lived life and his public service was amazing and for the most part extremely beneficial. Yes Camelot ends - the youngest and last Kennedy brother has now joined with his brothers in eternal peace.

This is also the opening day of the great New York State Fair and I suspect those who spent the night there last night, had a chilly damn night because I know those “dorms” are anything but warm. In fact, usually you are suffering from the heat but when it turns cold, that building is like an ice box.

August has been a strange month --- weather wise it took on the appearance and feel that summer weather had arrived. I mean, come on, we saw temps in the 90s, we had sunshine and warm weather for more than two days and even the corn started popping up like it was playing catch up (hey, it was playing that and more – the ole saying ‘knee high by the 4th of July’ never happened – that stuff was ankle high, if that, and on a child’s ankle! As for tomatoes, forget it – the blight ruined many a tomato crop but if you hunt around, you can still find some outdoor stands that have plenty of plump, red, and delicious tomatoes.

This month has also been a “emotional” one for me personally with various family members dealing with various medical issues – and it keeping me and everyone else wanting some normalcy back into our lives. Oh we will endure and that which challenges us, makes us stronger and we are a strong lot.

I’m now sure what to think about the kids going back to school before Labor Day. Regardless of my personal opinion, it’s gonna happen anyway, right? Just think, go for a couple days and then immediately you have a 3-day weekend – hurrah!

It’s a little after 8am and I’m debating whether I should go for my walk as I have this slight ache in my upper thigh and think I over did my exercises yesterday. I was attempting to change my status to reflect a new 30-day challenge routine and upped the intensity level to medium vs. low. But the program didn’t seem to get this concept until 15 minutes “after” and that meant restart and now I had to redo those 15 minutes too. Holy sheet that was more workout than I needed and may have pushed the ole legs more than was acceptable.

Oh to hell with it, I’m going for my walk – stop being such a baby, eh? Ya, I might want to wear something a bit warmer tho – kind of chilly out there. Well, you all have a grand day, ok?

Make your kids watch this video and remind them that texting and driving is no laughing matter. This is not easy to watch but if watching it saves just one life or stops everyone from texting while driving, it was worth it.

Little Bruce

Mohammed entered his classroom. "What is your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammed".... Answered the kid.

"We are in Australia and there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.

Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little Bruce?"

"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two freakin’ Arabs!..."

Cash for Codgers

Oh hell, just read it and laugh -- what else can ya do? We got so much news hitting us these days, who knows what to think -- personally I found this humorous and like you, I too need a laugh each day!

Fox News Alert - This just in from Washington.

Members of the Administration are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named.... "CASH FOR CODGERS" and it works like this...

Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale.

Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts. Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair.

Church Humor

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?'

'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms?

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times, but there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?' One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements they sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.' 'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'Your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?' The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.' So how come He doesn't?' she asked.

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'

TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 'Yes, sir.' the boy replied. 'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'

EQUAL REPRESENTATION

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every pet, current and past. For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'All girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?' Her response, 'Because everybody always finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family was having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother. 'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. ‘We always say a prayer before eating at our house.' 'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'*

Time to Learn -- Ready?

Vincent Van Gogh's Family Tree.

Come on you needed some “history,” or education in your life and this is one easy way to get it and guess what its FUN too!


· His dizzy aunt – Verti Gogh
· The brother who ate prunes--- Gotta Gogh
· The brother who worked at a convenience store --- Stop N Gogh
· The grandfather from Yugoslavia --- U Gogh
· His magician uncle ---Where-diddy Gogh
· His Mexican cousin ---A Mee Gogh
· The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---Gring Gogh
· The nephew who drove a stage coach ---Wells-far Gogh
· The constipated uncle --- Can't Gogh
· The ballroom dancing aunt ---Tang Gogh
· Bird lover uncle ---Flamin Gogh
· The fruit-loving cousin --- Man Gogh
· An aunt who taught positive thinking ---Way-to-Gogh
· The little bouncy nephew ---Poe Gogh
· A sister who loved disco --- Go Gogh
· And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling. -------Thar ya Gogh!

How Old Is Grandpa?

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away. One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

• television
• penicillin
• polio shots
• frozen foods
• Xerox'
• contact lenses
• Frisbees and
• the pill

There were no:

• credit cards
• laser beams or
• ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

• panty hose
• air conditioners
• dishwashers clothes dryers' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air
• and man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . .... and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, ‘Sir’ And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'

We were before computer- dating, dual careers, day-care centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

• grass was mowed,
• coke was a cold drink,
• 'pot' was something your mother cooked in and
• 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby. '
• 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal' s office,
• 'chip' meant a piece of wood,
• 'hardware' was found in a hardware store and
• 'software' wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us ' old and confused ' and say there is a generation gap...and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind.... you are in for a shock!

Read on to see--pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready?????

This man would be only 59 years old..

Feeling old yet?

God Bless America

My kind of woman.....

Awesome Senior

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent inter-action between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a D.C. airport. There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets, on the evils of America ... I politely declined to take one.

The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq ?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

And that my friends, should make any protester "think" before engaging in any protest!

How To Stay Young

Remember, there is no way you can look as bad as that person on your drivers license.

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

11. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:Humpty Dumpty was pushed!

Good or Bad Tip?

Put your car keys beside your bed at night

Tell your spouse, your children, your neighbors, your parents, your Dr's office, the check-out girl at the market, everyone you run across. Put your car keys beside your bed at night.

If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies.

This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this: It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Test it. It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob chain.

It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break into your house, odds are the burglar/rapist won't stick around. After a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that.

And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there. This is something that should really be shared with everyone. Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime.

Would also be useful for any emergency, such as a heart attack, where you can't reach a phone. My Mom has suggested to my Dad that he carry his car keys with him in case he falls outside and she doesn't hear him. He can activate the car alarm and then she'll know there's a problem.

Okay this was the tip and you read it, right? Now, thanks to my sister and the gals at Curves the following comments will really get you to thinking about whether this tip is good or not:

• Great, while I am being raped, beaten and my house ransacked the car horn is blasting away and my neighbors are thinking “when is that ole lady gonna shut that horn off?”
  
• I live in the country, who in hell is gonna hear a horn blasting?
• If I did that, the keys would fall on my bed, I would roll over on them, my neighbors would call and say, “Put the keys back on the stand and shut that damn horn off!”
• Shit, I’d never remember how to turn that panic button off so I refuse to turn it on, are you nuts! Bring it on, come and get me!
• Who in hell doesn’t carry their keys to their car – what, you think we’d leave them at the counter – how friggin old are we anyway?
• Great! I tested this tip, horn blasted forever before I figured out how to shut it off and then, guess what, the damn battery was dead – forget it, alarm my arse!
  

So thar you have it, friends, now you decide. Hey, if nothing else it made ya smile, right?

And Now You Know

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

You tell ME

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!

A man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.

A banana was Sticking out of his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

Trash

I know I have ranted about this before but damnit, as long as idiots think they can toss their trash in public places and expose all of us to the smell and possible illnesses this can cause, I will rant and express how much I detest these slobs!

I know times are tough, money short and now it appears, intelligence and decency are getting the short end of the stick too.

It just irks me beyond words how some people can be so damn stupid and think this is okay. That nobody will mind or that its no big deal. I wonder what these slobs would think or

Look, its quite simple, take care of your own trash and stop using public areas as your personal dumping sight. Oh sure, it will get cleaned up and when your village taxes go up for trash removal, you can look in the mirror and know why? I pay to have my trash removed, it's not that expensive and damnit, so can you!

The header photo is the former water fountain that flowed majestically when the Norwood Grade School was in full swing. That lovely building stands, slowly being taken over by pigeons and poop but it holds many memories for tons of kids who roamed those hall ways. I wonder if water still flows to that fountain?

Remember: Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

Best Put Down Line Ever

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...

Like his MOMMA used to do.

8 Words with Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-NE-Ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to an other. Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-in-Kay-shon) n . Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male ... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female . . . A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (RI-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male ... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND

He said-- I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said--- Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said, That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said --- What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said --- How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said --- Why are married women heavier than single women? She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Best Stress Mgmt Practice

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile..

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already..

How to Lock Your Car and Why

I locked my car. As I walked away I heard my car door unlock. I went back and locked my car again, three times. Each time, as soon as I started to walk away, I would hear it unlock again!!

Naturally alarmed, I looked around and there were two guys sitting in a car in the fire lane next to the store. They were obviously watching me intently, and there was no doubt they were somehow involved in this very weird situation. I quickly chucked the errand I was on, jumped in my car and sped away. I went straight to the police station, told them what had happened, and found out I was part of a new, and very successful, scheme being used to gain entry into cars.

Two weeks later, my friend's son had a similar happening... While traveling, my friend's son stopped at a roadside rest to use the bathroom. When he came out to his car less than 4-5 minutes later, someone had gotten into his car and stolen his cell phone, laptop computer, GPS navigator, briefcase.....you name it. He called the police and since there were no signs of his car being broken into, the police told him he had been a victim of the latest robbery tactic -- there is a device that robbers are using now to clone your security code when you lock your doors on your car using your key-chain locking device..remotely. They sit a distance away and watch for their next victim.. They know you are going inside the store, restaurant, or bathroom and they now have a few minutes to steal and run.

The police officer said to manually lock your car door-by hitting the lock button inside the car -- that way if there is someone sitting in a parking lot watching for their next victim, it will not be you. When you hit the lock button on your car upon exiting, it does not send the security code, but if you walk away and use the door lock on your key chain, it sends the code through the airwaves where it can be instantly stolen.

This is very real. Be wisely aware of what you just read and please pass this note on. Look how many times we all lock our doors with our remote just to be sure we remembered to lock them -- and bingo, someone has our code...and whatever was in our car.

This is not Snoopes approved -- while early technology made this possible, it takes a really dedicated nutcase to make it work today, why? Because each time you use your remote entry to lock or unlock your car, a new signal is used -- very difficult to replicate that signal.

I passed this one without checking but Jude did and now we all got the whole story...sorry but good to know, right?

Cannibal Menu

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

• Tourist: $5
• Broiled Missionary: $10.00
• Fried Explorer: $15.00
• Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for a Politician?'

The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning.'

Marching Band

I took this video yesterday while at the County Fair. I gotta admit, I was damn impressed with all the marching bands, they were awesome. And, it was my first time actually watching them perform. I had seen said bands line up for the parade many times but to sit in the stands and watch them perform was truly worthwhile and great fun...thanks Moonbeam!

Now, it was really fun to see so many folks, to have them actually remember me and tell me how wonderful I looked and in particular, no more stress on my face (damn, I had no idea while working my face showed stress marks!). It was also cute to see how much the youth had grown in two years, how confident they have become and the responsibilities they willingly accept today. Hey, it was all part of the "learn by doing"process and its great to see it working.

Thursday has all the signs of wanting to rain but so far nothing like that has happened. It's a cool 72 degrees and nice breeze blowing.

Well, more another day, keep smiling and remember this:

After 50 if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Fair Day

Yup, today I shall head to Gouverneur and the county Fair. I haven't been there in a couple years so it shall be fun to see the improvements (hopefully) and this go around, be a spectator and not a worker -- wow!

I admit it, I am one of those idiots who truly does enjoy the fair and even when having to spend months prior to it getting things organized and what have you, and then the week of staying there the entire week, well, it did take its toll but it was also alot of fun. No, I was not employed by the fair board, I worked for Cornell Cooperative Extension's Youth Development program.

Then as now, I am amazed at all youth learn and do throughout the year and show us during the fair season. Plus, these youth do considerable community service projects as well. This is the kind of stuff our communities should read about in our newspapers and watch on TV, instead we get all the bad stuff and that has many thinking all youth are problems -- not true.

So, I plan to spend the day at the Fair and have a good time, which is not hard, its all attitude and I retain the positive attitude constantly. One thing I shall attempt to restrict myself is fair food -- its good but man, it can pack on the pounds. However, I shall also do quite a bit of walking so a few "goodies" shall be allowed (so sayeth me).

Its gonna be a beautiful day -- we had that horrible storm and rain last night, so now, according to Andy, we got a few days of good weather -- hurrah!

Thought for the day: I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me --- and I didn't hear it.

A Pleasant Past Time - the News

“Woman thrown out of C-P Hospital”

POTSDAM, NY - Potsdam Village Police indicate that they had to remove a woman from the Canton-Potsdam Hospital early this morning.
Police allege that Natasha S. Cook, 29, of Norfolk was refusing to leave the Canton-Potsdam Hospital emergency room and that she was using obscene language.
Cook was issued tickets for Trespass and Disorderly Conduct and ordered to appear in Potsdam Village Court on August 12th, 2009.

Okay, as you read this I wonder if your thoughts are running along the same lines as mind. This is a hospital; they have “things” to give someone to calm them down and supposedly medical personnel to deal with distraught, unreasonable and confused individuals. But C-P had to call the police to remove the woman and then issued tickets…damn, we live in a strange society!

“Woman Charged With Fake Labor”

CANTON, NY - St. Lawrence County Sheriff's Deputies have arrested Jamie L. Nichols, 26, of Ogdensburg.
On June 23rd, 2009, Nichols was arrested on a St. Lawrence County Court warrant in Ogdensburg and taken to the St. Lawrence County Correctional Facility.
Police say that while she was being booked into the facility Nichols stated she was pregnant and that it was a "high risk" pregnancy due to previous miscarriages. Police say that she further claimed that she was in labor and that her 'water' had broken.
Nichols was taken to Canton Potsdam Hospital where it was determined that she was not in labor and that her 'water' was actually urine.
Police allege that the incident was faked and are further investigating her claimed miscarriages. She was charged with 3rd-Degree False Reporting of an Incident and issued an appearance ticket.

Doesn't this just scream: what warrant? I mean you had to read this twice to understand why she was arrested in the first place, right? Damn must have been a slow news day!

Smart Food Choices Boost your Brain Power

I’m not gonna bore ya with all the research and medical stuff, I will merely list what is now being taunted as smart food choices that boost your brain power…ready? Here we go:

1. Molluscs: Clams and oysters
   
2. Berries: Blueberries and strawberries
3. Cruciferous vegetables: Broccoli, cauliflower and cabbage
   
4. Fatty fish: Salmon, mackerel and herring
5. Green leafy vegetables: Spinach, kale and chard
   
   Feeding the fire.

When it comes to brain health, it’s not only the foods you eat, but when you eat them that matters. The brain is an organ with high-energy needs, so it requires a steady source of fuel for optimal performance — that means regularly spaced meals and snacks. Skipping meals and eating at irregular times robs the brain of much needed energy and can affect short term brain functions such as memory, concentration and mood.

One of the most important meals when it comes to brain function is breakfast. The morning meal is an ideal time to stock up on important nutrients that supply the brain with much needed energy after the overnight fast. It’s not surprising that numerous studies have shown that people who eat breakfast are better able to pay attention and concentrate throughout the day compared to those who skip the first meal of the day.

Okay, Tuesday is here, it is raining, light at the moment and I’m waiting to ascertain if and when I can get in my morning walk. If no walk, I’ll just fire up the Wii program and do one of those sweating exercising programs. Hopefully, the rain will cease and I can get outside.

Hey, keep smiling okay?

OMG

A funeral for the Cardiologist

A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.......I'm a Gynecologist.'

The Proctologist fainted.

Did You Know...

Cats have over 100 vocal sounds, while dogs only have about 10.

A group of unicorns is called a blessing.

12 or more cows are know as a flink.

A group of frogs is called an army.

A group of rhinos is called a crash.

A group of kangaroos is called a mob.

A group of officers is called a mess.

A group of larks is called an exaltation.

A group of owls is called a parliament.

The word "checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat" which means, "the kind is dead".

See you learned something today after all -- aren't you just proud of yourself tho!

&&&&&&

Ah Monday, what a wonderful, sunny day -- whoops, I see dark clouds forming -- what the hell, we had rain yesterday, today is to be dry, right?

Hey, I know you know the St. Lawrence County Fair begins this week, starting tomorrow the rides will be open at 5 pm. but before that there's plenty of things to see and do, including the 4-H Horse Show. And by all means, stroll through the Youth Building and be amazed at what these industrious young people have learned and done throughout the year -- I'm telling ya, you will be amazed. So get off your lazy butts and go to the Fair -- have some adult memories to go with those childhood days at the fair -- each memory is a treasure.

Why our country is in trouble

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2.I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''

his response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5.An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6.An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D)called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

Words of Advice: Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference!

Happy Birthday

X-years ago in the land of sun and surf, [aka California] I was in a delivery room, waiting for the surgeon to arrive, perform the C-Section and announce “it’s a girl!” Only to have him show me her head and me replying, “Turn her around, from this angle I can’t tell what it is?” Hey, I was awake and cheeky but I got my girl – now put me to sleep and shut down the bassinet!


I know everyone has special memories and thoughts about their kids and their younger years and all that good stuff. Mine is full of wonderful memories and many, many laughs. Also some scary moments as this girl is an asthmatic and we spent many a night in an ER and she in ICU getting her breathing under control. Today she is a fitness nut; likes to workout, jog, yoga, Pilate's and of course a health nut too…loves organic food and checks every thing to insure the contents are she considers healthy and/or safe. Oh ya, she is great fun to grocery shop with – holy sheet!

What is cute is she is now expecting her first child, and like her Mama, she knew long before it was confirmed that she is having a boy. And due to her pregnancy she is no longer running each morning but still doing her walks and as much exercise as the body can endure. And yes, damnit, she looks cute as hell in preggers clothes!

So, today’s blog is HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEL – see ya for din-din and dessert!

Oh ya, her Uncle and her also share the same birthday, 40 years apart, so Happy Birthday Bro -- have a good one!!!