HUH?

Do you listen to the news, read a newspaper, over hear others talking and go HUH? Ya, me too.

Okay, let’s tackle a few of the more mind boggling topics. The state has another place to make cuts – closing state parks! It costs too much to maintain them. Then some clown suggest the state sell these lands, put’em back on the tax roles and hey, some enterprising entrepreneur can turn them into wonderful private campgrounds and make a dandy little profit…wow, what a concept. And if nobody buys the lands, well hell, our taxes will still be used to keep them what – closed but available? WTH?

Aren’t you just thrilled to know that Dame Elizabeth Taylor is 78 years old?

Now how about the $6 million S-Curve – and S does not mean “shit,” but the way the current road travels. Now, someone feels spending $6 million would end this end curve. Hello! That curve has lights and as far as I know, nobody has been seriously or even slightly injured since the lights were installed and it’s a mighty fine drive into that area curve and all. I can think of many ways to spend 6 million dollars and one that jumps right out at me is – fill in the damn potholes!!!

Does anyone care that “my” birds finally returned? Well, they have and once again I am enjoying their company. I was getting a tad annoyed that they hadn’t been around, considering I have some high-end bird seed out there and these silly feathers elected to ignore it. So I hauled a branch back to the deck, tied it up and gave the deck and feeders a “woody” look and by damn, birds are back. Who’d of thunk a dead branch was all they needed to return to filled, delish food…not the smartest creatures, are they?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity!

Let me ask you something, do you think this country has a hard time saying NO? We just keep helping everyone, we give aid, money, personnel and the shirts off our backs and we are so debt ridden its unreal. What would happen, think about this, if we just said NO for a year…let everyone deal with whatever the hell they must deal with in their own countries so we can get our own house in order. Is that possible? I don’t mean ignore or give up our security or defenses or strike out at terrorism, I mean, how about we just start “giving and spending” money, time and personnel on us for a change.

Well, that’s my rant…aren’t you glad you stopped by for this? Ya, bite me, you think along the same lines and you know it. Now, I usually take Sunday off to rest the body but you know what, I think today snowshoeing is in order…see ya outside…keep smiling

BTW - thank you pet owners for picking up after your pets, you really are great people. And for you a-holes who still think throwing your trash into a snowbank will somehow make it dissolve, your brain is looking for you...or better yet, go back to your own planet and leave ours alone!

Kitty Chuckle

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird.My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.

On another note, I woke up this morning to the following: See below!

Two feet of snow, get it? Ya, thought you would....now laugh, oh hell, smile then!

Difference between Grandmothers & Grandfathers

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:

A very close friend of mine always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?''

Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single asshole, dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Northern Duck Hunters

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO> STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $860.00). He and a friend go duck> hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float in. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the> Navigator), decide on the following course of action: They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, The GUNS, and the DOG...? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it: The dog takes off across the ice at a> high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.

The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming. One> hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" ! ! ! The truck is destroyed and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by Illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $860.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. . .doing fine.

And you thought Rednecks only live in the South...

So True

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine. I got to thinking one day about all those people on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said , 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together. [this did not happen in my personal life, my sisters, thank God are very much alive and we get together every year for a sister week of foolishness--if we lived closer to each other, we'd do lunch each week too]

Because people cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect! We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained.

We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college. Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy. Now...go on and have a nice day.

Do something you WANT to...not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting? Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask 'How are you?' Do you hear the reply? When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see her sorrow? Ever lost touch?

Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi'? When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.....

Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over. Show your friends how much you care.

Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do.

'Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!'

TGIF or Shit?

I know, it would have made more sense to post this on Thursday but it's just to damn funny not to share...deal with it!

When a businessman entered an elevator, there was a blonde already inside, who greeted him with a cheery, "T-G-I-F!"

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "Sir, 'T-G-I-F' means, 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duh uh?"

The man answered, " 'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.' "

&^&^*^*%^

Went to the movie last night, Shutter Island and was really surprised at how good this movie was compared to the all the pre-sale nonsense. To be honest I didn't think I would care for this movie but now I would highly recommend it. Not for kids tho -- this is definitely an adult movie.

As I peep out the window, I see fine white stuff coming down -- another day of off and on "dusting." isn't that sweet.

So are you watching the Olympics? What ya think so far? Of course the Americans have the highest medal count, did you expect otherwise?

I Believe

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born

A Death Certificate shows that we died

Pictures show that we lived!

Have a seat . Relax . . . And read this slowly.

I Believe...
That just because two people argue, It doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, It doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if We understand that friends change.

I Believe....That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe... That you can do something in an instant That will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...That it's taking me a long time To become the person I want to be.

I Believe...That you should always leave loved ones with Loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe.... That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe....That we are responsible for what We do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe....That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe....That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe....That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had And what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe....That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself..

I Believe...That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe....That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, But, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life Forever.

I Believe....Two people can look at the exact same Thing and see something totally different.

I Believe....That your life can be changed in a matter of Hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...That even when you think you have no more to give, When a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I Believe...That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in, I just did.

'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; They just make the most of everything they have.

Gas Station Promo

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said,” You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week."

Bitches 'til the End!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone. "And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...Women are like phones:They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected

Just Stay

A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.

"Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand.

The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed.All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lightedward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.


He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her."Who was that man?" he asked.

The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.


"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."

"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"

"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."

"I came here tonight to find a Mr. William Grey. His Son was killed in Iraq today, and I was sent to inform him. What was this Gentleman's Name?"

The Nurse with Tears in Her Eyes Answered, " Mr. William Grey............."

The next time someone needs you ... just be there Stay.

Curling

Okay, don't know much about this sport, eh? Neither did I, so I did a little research and, hell yes, I'm gonna share the info with you...ready?

The sport of curling dates back to the early 1500s in Scotland and was reportedly brought to North America by British troops in the 1700s during the Revolutionary War.

Curling made its Olympic debut at the Winter Olympic Games in 1924. It came back in the 1932 Lake Placid Games as a demonstration sport, but then went on a 56-year Olympic hiatus, returning again as a demonstration sport at the 1988 and 1992 Games. Since the 1998 Nagano Games, curling has been contested as an official medal sport for both men and women .

As far as the actual game goes, think shuffleboard on ice combined with the strategy of a game of bowls or bocce.

Each match is made up of ends, or periods, where two teams of four players each take turns sliding 42-pound polished granite stones down a sheet of ice towards a bullseye made up of four concentric circles. This bullseye, which is 12 ft in diameter, is known as the "house" and its center the "tee." The tee is located 126 ft from where the shooter starts.
When the stone is released by the shooter, it is done with a special technique that involves a twist of the wrist. Like a bowling ball hooks (or curves) down an alley, so too does the stone as it glides down the ice. This curve is known as the "curl."

As the stone curls towards its intended target (perhaps the tee, or perhaps an opponent's stone that is in the way) the other three team members sweep the ice with brooms, causing the stone to speed up or change directions. The "skip" is the captain of the team and usually shouts out sweeping instructions.

Each team member shoots twice, so there are 16 shots in each end. A team scores points when its stones are closest to the tee after all 16 shots. Each match consists of 10 ends.
In 2006, the Canadian men and Sweden's women were gold medalists. The World Curling Federation's 2008-2009 rankings show Canada in the top spot for both men and women, with the U.S. coming in at number 4 for men, and number 6 for women.

After Salt Lake City, curling showed a surge in popularity both in the U.S. and abroad. In the U.S. new clubs formed in places as unlikely as Texas, Arizona, and Tennessee. The U.S. Curling Association membership grew by about 15%.

A sure sign of success, the sport has its ownrisqué calendar sponsored by the European Curling Federation. 2010's Fire on Ice" features 26 women curlers posing in the buff or scantily clad.

Thar, now you know all about this sport and lemme tell ya, thinking of curling as shuffleboard on ice helped me a great deal!

Yes, it is Ash Wednesday and many will make "lent" wishes that will last maybe until tomorrow or in some cases, until Easter which is what is suppose to happen. However, you don't have to "give up" something, you could "do something," for the next 40 days too you know.

As for me, I'm gonna try to limit my sweet tooth -- I can have sweets only once a day -- either at lunch or dinner, but not both and sweets includes those approved by the Weight Watcher program. I'm a gal who likes her dessert so this is gonna be a tad challenging. However, nothing says I can't have a piece of fruit, right?

Snowing as I write this, supposedly we'll see 2 to 3 inches -- nothing to write home about, at least not yet. Have a grand day and for crying out loud, keep smiling!!!

Noradakota

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow. And hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts.

Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.. Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'

This N That

I really don't have much to write about but no matter what I somehow manage to find interesting crap...well, crap at least.

Elevators Can Bring Injury to Seniors

MONDAY, Feb. 15 (HealthDay News) -- Over 2,600 senior citizens suffer serious elevator-related injuries each year in the United States, and three-quarters of them are women, according to the results of the first large-scale study of these events.
Slips, trips and falls accounted for more than half of the injuries, and about one-third were caused by elevator doors closing on a person. The third most common cause of injuries were those related to the wedging of walkers in elevator door openings, the researchers reported in the January issue of the Journal of Trauma Injury, Infection and Critical Care.

8 Foods That Get You Going in the Morning [I personally thought it was my bladder]

What you eat can help you be more alert.

1. A spoonful of sweetness
2. A whole-wheat bagel
3. Lox on that bagel [really into this bagel stuff, eh?]
4. Spicy V8
5. Soy
6. Ice water
7. Coffee
8. If all else fails Place a tin of ginger-flavored Altoids, a few Red Hots, or a packet of Listerine strips beside your alarm clock. When the buzzer goes off, pop one or two of them into your mouth before hitting the snooze button. It’s virtually impossible to sleep with that "curiously strong" taste waking up your mouth.

Ya, who in hell writes this stuff, or better yet, comes up with it? Makes ya wonder, doesn't it?

I know this sounds strange but for some reason the "birds" just were not coming by my feeders and this was frustrating me. I mean, come on, I buy them the good stuff and the little shits don't show up? How rude. So over the weekend, I hauled a branch up, tied it to the deck and now, the little suckers have returned. They needed a branch -- fussy little shits. However, I do like watching them and capturing them on film. What the hell, its a hobby that is entertaining as hell.

Another Priceless Moment

He's My Brother

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day......picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly....... but they aren't for me....they're for him. He's my brother......

He's four..... We saw on TV ,that if you use these ,you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

Right now, he can't do either."

&&^&%&*

Ya, ya, Happy Valentine's Day -- happy now? For some reason I have this idea that if a man bought chocolates he's in deep shit because half the women on the planet (or in the US at least) are dieting and chocolate isn't on the "lose weight list!" Then, again, nobody is making anyone eat these suckers and the man, knowing she shouldn't and most likely won't, have the entire box for himself -- way to go guys!!

Last night was "date night," dinner and a movie. Okay, you can call it an early Valentine Gift if you must. Anyway, dinner at Pizza Hut was good and then, off to the movies. Finally we went to see Avatar and gotta tell ya, it was good. A tad long but nobody and I mean, nobody got up during it to use restroom or get more food. Once this sucker started, it had our attention and kept it.

Sunday is a day of rest and it looks like snow shall come down off and on all day, which is okay as long as the temps don't drop to far, because then we'll get ice and nobody wants ice, right? And I intend to watch as much of the Olympics as my eyeballs can stand (meaning, there will be some naps for damn sure). Hope all of you have a good day too.

There is a fine line between genius and insanity.

How to Save Our Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants.

No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin.

And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.

I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.

'Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,Bill Clinton

Don't You Dare Laugh

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh .......

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure."I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room

Just wondering

Ya, tell me you ain't thinking the same thing?

Where the hell is Spring?

Church Bulletins

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale... It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Life, Education and Everything In-between

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school.

He talks about how feel-good,politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you agree, pass it on.

If you can read this - Thank a teacher!

If you can read this in English - Thank a soldier!!!

HOW IS NORMA?

HOW IS NORMA? .......... This is hilarious !!

A sweet grandmother telephones St. Joseph 'sHospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear.What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,0K "Norma Findlay , Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone andsaid, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her bloodwork just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me squat."

Ice Train

Okay, I do not know the whole story behind this Ice Train, other than it was made by a guy in Norwood and it is ALL ice.



According to unnamed sources, once made, he painted the train and it looked fabulous but when the fire department hosed it down to insure it stayed solid, the paint ran and now we have this black train.



Whatever folks it is amazing. Wanna see it? Go to Mechanic Street, in Norwood....it truly is worth a stop...enjoy my photos -- wish it had been a sunny day but hey, overcast and that's the photos one gets, sorry.

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4... I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8... Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. ..

9..I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10..... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16... Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18.. Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20... A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21... A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Super Bowl Sunday

Hell yes, I will be watching the game and pigging out like everyone else.

Come on, most of you don't give a rip about the actual game and are more interested in the commericals, and I don't blame ya. I hope they are better than last year's because those were nothing to write home about.

As for the half-time entertainment, damn, I don't think I have even checked to see who is doing what -- most likely, half time will see me fixing another plate full of food, getting up and moving around and insuring all body parts still work...I mean, you can only sit for so long before the bones lock up, right?

Lemme tell ya, the first week of RBS (retirement baby-sitting) - was wonderful. I am not a huge fan of spit ups and we had to figure out (1) how much this boy actually drinks at one feeding - remember he is breast fed and (2) he has to burp because he can suck down a bottle in quick order. So we are learning. Plus he is starting to really look around, move and recognize things now and this is fun. Hells bells, if he starts crawling on my watch, I'll pretend it did not happen so his parents can be the "first" to see this...yes, he is 3 months and he is not crawling at the moment.

Well, time to do something, sat at the computer almost an hour, checking emails, chatting on facebook and being silly, so time to get up and move.



Have fun....keep smiling...10 degrees, breezer but hey, no snow...think DC -- about time they got the white stuff, eh? Sorry, just had to say it.


No I did not take this photo, wish I had but then, I would of had to have been there, no thanks. Amazing shot tho.

GOOD IDEA ... ONE LIGHTBULB AT A TIME

A physics teacher in high school, once told the students that while one grasshopper on the railroad tracks wouldn’t slow a train very much, a billion of them would.

With that thought in mind, read the following, obviously written by a good American.. Check this out. I can verify this because I was in Lowe's the other day for some reason and just for the heck of it I was looking at the hose attachments. They were all made in China. The next day I was in Ace Hardware and just for the heck of it I checked the hose attachments there. They were made in USA. Start looking!

In our current economic situation, every little thing we buy or do affects someone else - even their job. So, after reading this email, I think this lady is on the right track. Let's get behind her!

My grandson likes Hershey's candy. I noticed, though, that it is marked made in Mexico now. I do not buy it any more.

My favorite toothpaste Colgate is made in Mexico ... now I have switched to Crest.

You have to read the labels on everything! This past weekend I was at Kroger. I needed 60 W light bulbs and Bounce dryer sheets. I was in the light bulb aisle, and right next to the GE brand I normally buy was an off-brand labeled, "Everyday Value." I picked up both types of bulbs and compared the stats - they were the same except for the price..

The GE bulbs were more money than the Everyday Value brand but the thing that surprised me the most was the fact that GE was made in MEXICO and the Everyday Value brand was made in - get ready for this - the USA in a company in Cleveland , Ohio . So throw out the myth that you cannot find products you use every day that are made right here.

So on to another aisle - Bounce Dryer Sheets....yep, you guessed it, Bounce cost more money and is made in Canada. The Everyday Value brand was less money and MADE IN THE USA! I did laundry yesterday and the dryer sheets performed just like the Bounce Free I have been using for years and at almost half the price!

My challenge to you is to start reading the labels when you shop for everyday things and see what you can find that is made in the USA – the job you save may be your own or your neighbors! If you accept the challenge, pass this on to others in your address book so we can all start buying American, one light bulb at a time! Stop buying from overseas companies!

(We should have awakened a decade ago)

Let's get with the program ... help our fellow Americans keep their jobs and create more jobs here in the USA.

I Passed this on ... Please do the same!

Great News

Our son is now in remission! He still has some spleen issues but the drugs being used stay in the system and keep working for many months and he'll be checked again in May. It doesn't matter, his CT and PET scans all show remission and that's good enough for me!


Congrats Bubba, way to go...Love ya

Out of the Mouths of Babes

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !”

Positive Thoughts

Big week this week. Our son heads back to the Mayo Clinic today so they can run test to find out if the trial drugs worked on his f cancer and he sees the cardiologist who repaired his valve. So good news SHOULD be coming our way soon. Positive vibes to Bubba!!!! Travel safe today.

Today is the second day of my babysitting my grandson. I have decided that as soon as WE are on the same schedule, all will be fine. He is a breast fed baby, so getting use to the bottle takes a bit of time and Grandma insists we stop after each ounce for a burp and he's not happy about that either. But Grandma isn't happy with the mad spit ups, so who shall win? Put your money on Grandma folks!

All in all this is great fun. We have never had a grandchild this close and I gotta tell ya, its a hoot. He is so damn cute and at current time, 3 months, he is just starting to really look around, grab at things and stay awake longer. He can be a pistol and I love it. I think this weekend Grandma's gonna need to head to store and find some toys or something to occupy his active little mind and body. His Mama said she'd bring over books and I can read to him...excuse me, at 3 months how long will he sit still for that?

So, he is due any second, cranked up the heat, so its warm in here and once he is fed, burped and napping I can fire up the Wii and do my workout -- oh life, is so much fun...Keep smiling.

Thought for the day: "If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?" - Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Finkelstein and Jesus

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor.So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!He asked how much he owed.

Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God there's no charge!However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business!Would you consider a partnership?""Certainly," replied Jesus."Jesus & Finkelstein it is.""Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein."Finkelstein & Jesus.After all, I am the craftsman."The two of them debated this for some time.Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop: