28 Lines to Make You Smile

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.. He thought he was God and I didn't
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
   
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
   
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
   
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
   
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
   
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
   
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
   
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing..
   
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
    
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
    
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
    
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
    
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
    
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
    
18. Procrastinate Now!
    
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
    
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
    
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
    
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
    
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
    
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
    
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
    
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
    
28. I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on!
    
    

Bounce this Along

The US Postal service sent out a message to all Letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets to keep yellow-jackets away.Use them all the time when playing baseball and Soccer. I use it when I am working outside. It really works. The Insects just veer around you. All this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer!

• It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them. It also repels mice.
  
• Spread sheets around foundation areas, or in trailers, or cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.
  
• It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.
  
• It repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
  
• Eliminate static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.
  
• Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust From resettling.
  
• Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
  
• To freshen the air in your home - Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.
  
• Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.
  
• Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.
  
• Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
  
• To freshen the air in your car - Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
  
• Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food and the pan.
  
• Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
  
• Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the lose hairs.
  
• Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
  
• Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
  
• Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
  
• Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.
  
• Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.
  
• Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and storing them. It will keep them smelling fresh.
  
• Wet a Bounce sheet, hose down your car, and wipe love bugs off easily with the wet Bounce.
• 
  

If I have posted this before, just ignore it -- if not, read and enjoy it -- come on, its Tuesday, the last day of June 2009 --tomorrow we shall embrace July -- aren't you excited? Hey, watch your mouth -- ye gads!

New Alphabet

A is for apple, and B is for boat,

That used to be right, but now it won't float!

Age before beauty is what we once said,

But let's be a bit more realistic instead. Now for the new Alphabet:

A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; troubles with flow;

V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y for another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

Sunday ....:)

Yes, it is Sunday and up until a few minutes ago, as it is now 6:30pm it was a lovely day -- sunny, warm and with a gentle breeze.

Then the freakin rain returned and now once again, we have wet grass, decks, plants, etc. Never have to water gardens this year, the big Man is taking care of it nicely.

As for me, hubby and I managed to get the awning unrolled and set up and then, hauled out the patio/deck furniture. I had put it away clean but washed it down again before putting the cushions on it. Then, hot, sweaty and most likely stinky, grabbed a beer, plopped my arse down and sat outside and loved every minute of it.

What I found entertaining was the birds. New scene for them and they were cautious and checking things out. As I was sitting out on the deck, where they could see me, they no doubt wondered what my intentions might be so they stayed away. Well, the golden finches didn't seem to mind and as I have these sock-like seeds for them, they snacked away like it was no big deal. We call them peeks after that Easter candy -- you know the one that is almost entirely sugar and we all love'em?

Then the rain came and now, its bail the awning out or use a pole and lift it up so the damn water can run off -- what a process. And that was my Sunday -- lovely, challenging and interesting...just like yours!!!

Keep smiling and here comes the last week in June and the beginning days of July--- ready or not, they be coming!!!

Oh the flower -- like you never picked one and pull one pedal at a time off and said, "he loves me, he loves me not?"

Guessing and Messing....:)

Ever have one of those days (moments) when your computer is working nicely and then, for no friggin reason some issue pops up and you are going "what the hell is that? Why all of a sudden can't I copy and paste like I have been doing for months?

Well, that seems to be the current issue I am dealing with. I got this cute story about some dude in London who for 22 plus years collected parking fees and then, suddenly he was no longer on the job. This caused some concern and various departments called other departments to get a replacement, etc. Well, come to find out, nobody had hired this guy. So, he nicely collect parking fees for all these years, retired to some cozy island paradise and is soaking up the suds and enjoying his savings which are approximately: 3.5 million English pounds! Now that my friends is one smart dude!

What has me laughing is wondering if we have someone like this in the US too? But I doubt any person would hang around that many years or someone would not question why in hell they are paying this clown to park when its free public parking? Obviously the Brits never seemed to notice or perhaps the sign was conveniently hidden from view.

Anyway, I could not copy and paste the entire story,so you got the short version, which is not half bad either, right?

Okay, it is Saturday, it has rained off and on all damn day and yes, I did manage to get a walk in this morning...actually walked with my daughter up behind the high school -- a tad damp but we made it -- she just loves to haul my fat ass up Stinger Hill -- and my ass cheeks feel that climb big time!!!

Well, back to more tennis matches -- oh hell, gotta fix a hot dog first -- ya, I am hungry and right now a hot dog sounds damn good -- keep smiling.

THINGS I LEARNED IN FLORIDA...

I have been a tad remiss in that I failed to share with you the things I learned while in Florida. Ya, I know that was a couple months ago and while I visit there at least once a year, I do feel sharing things learned is a great way to keep us all informed - duh! So here goes:


1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in FLORIDA.
3) There are 10,000 types of spiders, and all 10,000 of them live in OCALA, FL.
4) If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5) "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.
6) It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
7) "Jaw-P?" means, "Did y'all go to the bathroom?"
8) People actually grow and eat okra.
9) "Fixinto" is one word.
10) There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper...
11) Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two.
We do like a little tea with our sugar.
12) Backwards and forwards means, "I know everythin' bout you."
13) The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"
14) You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see...
15) You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16) You measure distance in minutes.
17) You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
18) All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
19) You know what a "Dawg" is.
20) You carry jumper cables in your car - for your own car.
21) You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete , Tabasco and ketchup.
22) The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football...
23) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
24) You find 100 degrees "a bit warm."
25) You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
26) Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Walmartin" or "off to Wally World."
27) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good hog killin' weather.
28) Fried catfish is the other white meat.
29) We don't need no dang Driver's Ed... If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.
30) You understand these jokes and forward them to your FLORIDA friends and those who just wish they were from FLORIDA!!!!!

And this is why we live in NY and only Visit Florida LOL

OXYMORONS - DUH

I don't know about you folks but I have actually seen this sign and wondered "What the hell?" Did I stop or did I keep moving -- I'd tell ya, but then I'd have to --well, you know the rest, right?


1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? [that does make sense, doesn't it?]
10. Why are they called “stands" when they are made for sitting? LOL
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and”wise guy” opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
29. Why is toilet paper tiny squares and tissues big squares ?

See and you thought it was gonna be the same-o-same shit, didn't ya? Now ya got something else to talk about and share -- lovely.

Hey, another day in the 80s or so they claim, get out there and enjoy it -- your body needs some vitamin D and sunshine is good for ya -- not direct or laying out there burning without sunscreen but just being outside -- ya, you get it, don't give me a hard time.

So are you enjoying all the "out of business sales?" Giant Tiger is down to 75% off -what in hell is left I wonder? And Hackett's -- holy sheet -- they gotta drop a bunch to make it worthwhile -- they were high to begin with so dropping is a must, right?

Have a good day and keep smiling!!!

Life's Lessons

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? You're crazy to go to Rome . It's crowed and dirty. So, how are you getting there?

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called "Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

God Said

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,Lord, what do You Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to Him.

Then God said,'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that To him, and then said,'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'

After God explained,He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained That to him, too.Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How doI do that?'

God first said (underHis breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley,

Across the river,

and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'

And Adam said....

**(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

What's a headache?'

Just could not Resist

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

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So tomorrow is Father's Day and I wish all the Dad's a very happy Day. It is also the first day of SUMMER. Holy Dog Poop, let's hope it means warmer weather and an end to this rain, eh?

Number UNO

Hey, aren't you proud to be a New Yorker?

Come on, we are number ONE for the worse cities for road rage, finally pushing Miami down to number 7 -- damn, we are so competitive and now we are Number ONE!

I’m not sure what in hell the weather is gonna do today. It’s currently 60 degrees, overcast but not raining, not even a sprinkle at this moment, so maybe it will dry up and the sun will somehow break through and allow us some warmth. Pretty damn bad when you discover you need to wear socks in the middle of June!

Nestle has recalled a bunch of their cookie dough products after 66 people in 28 states got sick with E. coli. This is serious. Nestle is begging you not to eat their products raw or cooked! Normally, the heat would kill the bacteria, but Nestle isn't--huh. If you have a bunch of Nestle cookie dough in your freezer, you can return it to your grocery store for a full refund. This weekend the grocery stores are totally going to be full of single depressed ladies trading in their unused cookie dough for Snack Wells.

Jon & Kate – who in hell cares! Each is being accused or cheating on the other, both want what is best for their kids and the media is eating this up like this is major news and will solve world issues. Ye gads! Honestly I don’t give a rip….move on to something else, even K-FED getting paid to watch his own kids is more entertaining than this shit.

How about this Susan Boyle business? First off I think she has an amazing voice and I was shocked she did not win but hey, that’s life, deal with it. I do think all the pressure and spotlight was overwhelming and we tend to think she cracked up because of how the British refer to their hospitals – mental wards. It was a flippin hospital folks, nothing more and nothing less! She was not admitted to some psycho-ward. She was exhausted and hounded by the aggressive British media, she needed a safe haven. Then she goes on tour and takes another day off and again, she is accused of screaming at her cat and other mindless made-up nonsense that makes her sound like this babbling idiot, with learning disabilities but still this amazing voice. Holy dog tear, leave the woman alone and let her sing…at 47 years of age, she is truly an inspiration to many and that is wonderful – go Susan!

Did ya hear – oh this will make your heart thump a bit –the cacao tree (make sure you spell that correctly) is battling a virus in the Ivory Coast, the world’s largest producer, where crops could be down 33 percent according to New Scientist. So what in hell does this mean? Well, don’t think we have an endless supply of chocolate, Mate, this could up the price considerably and we might be a tad stingy about sharing our piece of chocolate in the near future!

Oh the fish above – that’s Reggie – my Beta fish and newest pet. Well, my pet as I don’t have any pets. I figured a fish was easy and works for me. Actually my sister has a Beta, has had one for months, Matty and she was just having way too much with this fish for me to think this should remain a solo act so I got one too. Now who knows if they’ll ever visit each other again – they are aggressive fish and definitely prefer to swim alone – hence don’t add any fish to their tank or they’ll kill’em? Damn, who wouldn’t want a Beta based on that fact alone?

Oh, for sometime I have been debating and/or mulling over the idea of getting a kayaka. Well, my sister had a good question-- HOW THE HELL DO YOU GET OUT OF THEM? Think about it -- after trying this out,[beach the sucker and then climb out] I've decided canoes are much nicer and easier, thank you very much!!!

Have a nice weekend and keep smiling!

Think You Know Everything?

Okay, sometimes we just tend to think (and in some cases believe) we know everything or at the very least, we know more than most people. So, here’s some sheet for you to know, just in case you thought you knew it all:

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.[ Oh go ahead...I'll wait...]

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)(Those women are going the 'right' direction...?)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

PEARLS DISSOLVE IN VINEGAR!

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

And the best for last----Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

Sooooooooooooooo------------

Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on...and go move your toothbrush!!!

SENIOR DRESS CODE

Many of us 'Old Folks' (WAY over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves.

Feeling ‘young’, we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image. Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals


2. Spiked hair and bald spots


3. A pierced tongue and dentures


4. Miniskirts and support hose


5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads


6. Speedos and cellulite


7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar


8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor


9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge


10. Bikinis and liver spots


11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

And, Most importantly -----At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts

NEVER FEEL STUPID EVER AGAIN

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,' --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.' --Mariah Carey

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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,' -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,' --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,' --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,' --A congressional candidate in Texas . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'Half this game is ninety percent mental.' --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.' --Al Gore, Vice President

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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .' -- Dan Quayle
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?' --Lee Iacocca

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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.' --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.' -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.' --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.' --Keppel Enderbery

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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.' --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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Feeling smarter yet?

Hooray for Vodka

Every now and then, someone sends me truly useful information (thanks Jude) and being a good ole soul, I like to pass it along.

So now you can read about the various things good about vodka in case you did not know -- enjoy:

• To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive.
• To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
• To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
• Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
• Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
• Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
• Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair....
• Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
• Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.
• Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
• To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
• To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
• Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
• Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
• Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain

And silly me! I've only been drinking it!

Survivor

Okay, here's the latest update on the swine flu. If you get it and survive you will look like this --oh come on, you'll be alive, still cute and lovable, what more do you want? Forget being rich, you weren't rich before, so get over yourself!

So its Saturday and once again Mother Nature has made sure we get a damp weekend --damnit! My son called and wanted to know how to find Mama because he wanted to punch her lights out -- stand in line, Bubba, its a long friggin line!!!

Well, I managed to get my lawn cart which I have been trying to find for weeks. I didn't want anything fancy or difficult and after seeing my sister-in-law's cart, I said, "that's what I need." Here's a photo, whatcha think?Yes, its black, sorry it did not come with a color option but this is much easier for me to drag around or push, which ever works -- neat, eh?

So have you gone to Hackett's in Canton and enjoyed the 30% madness? I gotta tell ya, I went yesterday and it was like opening day, lots of folks in there and this time, they were buying stuff. Hey, I managed to find king size sheets, normally $50 for $20 so that was good, right? Now if they really want to impress me, knock down the price on those damn kayaks -- I'd really like to buy one but not at that price. If I'm gonna drown or soak my ass, I don't think it should cost me an arm or leg!!!

Hey, did manage to get my lawns mowed and as I trimmed those branches, no marks on my forehead from those suckers this go around...gotta tell ya, that hurt and definitely left a mark - ouch!!! This time it was the damn bugs that were driving me bonkers, so I pulled a trick my Daddy did -- bounce sheet attached to my baseball cap and I was golden.

Okay, have a great day, do whatever you can and hopefully that includes getting outside -- oh come on, a little rain ain't gonna hurt you or melt you...trust me, it hasn't melted me and I get outside alot.

Keep Smiling!!!

Hollywood Squares

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness! And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!

Nostalgia

How's This For Nostalgia?

All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?



It took three minutes for the TV to warm up?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a quarter was a decent allowance?
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?

You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?

Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box? This might be the 1930s?It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?

They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . And they did it!
When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends?and saying things like, 'That cloud looks like a... '?
Playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?

And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
But we survived because their love was greater than the threat. . .as well as summers filled with bike rides, Hula Hoops, and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar. Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yeah, I remember that'?

How Many Of These Do You Remember?
Candy cigarettesWax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.Coffee shops with Table Side Jukeboxes.
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum.Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers.Newsreels before the movie.
Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Yukon 2-601). Party lines.
Peashooters.
Howdy Dowdy.Hi-Fi's & 45 RPM records.78 RPM records!
Green Stamps.
Mimeograph paper.
The Fort Apache Play Set.

Do You Remember a Time When..Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, 'Do Over!'?
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching The Fireflies Could Happily Occupy An Entire Evening?
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best Friends'?
Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a Slingshot?

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
'Oly-oly-oxen-free' made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?

The Worst Embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange - flavored chewable aspirin?

If you can remember most or all of these, Then You Have Lived!!!!!!!

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their 'Grown-Up' Life . .

I Double-Dog-Dare-Ya!

Thought I was a Cowboy

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered acup of coffee.As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

MEN!!!!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied.

'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE ! '

And they say blondes are dumb

.........................................

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world..'
The woman replies,'I'll miss you.......
----------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-------------------------------------------

A man and his wife,now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary. On their special day
a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....
Whoosh...immediately he turned 90!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
--------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.
---------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they
are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
-------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

Tinkle, tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened - you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

BET YOU SMILED !!!

5 Fruits

This will tell you something about yourself.......

The 5 Fruits - Which would you pick?


THIS IS QUITE REMARKABLE...

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on it. They are:

A. Apple

B. Banana

C. Strawberry

D. Peach

E. Orange

Which fruit will you choose?

Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!

Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN;












If you have chosen:

A. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples

B. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas

C. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries

D. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches

E. Orange : That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

Also I bet that right now you would like to find Me and Kick my ASS!

Well, You won't find me...because I am still hunting down The ASS Who sent this to me...

Have a Purrrr-fect Day!

AND I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO SEND THIS TO SOMEONE ELSE!

Facts to Dazzle YOU

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.(O.M.G..!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day..(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue (Yummmmm.....)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Now You Know

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

I love to see you smile.

Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)

Ah Saturday

Yup, the day we all look forward too (unless you are amongst the group who work on Saturday, then forget it) – a day when we work for our own enjoyment or not.

Come on, we all know that unless something really silly happens, you will try to sleep in and although that may be only an hour later than you normally rise, that is still a good deal and something you enjoy, right? Then you get up, no rushing about but you do need to get to the dry cleaners and what the hell, breakfast out sounds pretty nice too.

Then it’s back home and there’s the yard that needs to be mowed, bushes that could use a trim and what the hell, those flowers you bought but couldn’t get planted, they can now be shoved into the ground too. And what the hell, grilling sounds like a good idea, haul out the lawn chairs, get the ice chest and make a day of being outside. Yup, that’s the Saturday we all look forward too, right?

As for me I wish to hell I had gotten my fishing license because I have this desire to go fishing. So, with no license I reckon my trusty camera and I shall head to the river and see if we can’t get some amazing photos such as: waves doing a dance, a fish posing or showing off, or some rare flower that peaks up and gets caught on film. Oh the joy of taking pictures never is boring and with digital cameras, hell, you can snap away and not care how many shots you take – delete is always an option!


Hey, whatever you do, please get outside – you need some Vitamin D and hey, it’s sunny and nice out there – no longer need to feel or act like a mole person, get out there and feel the warmth of a nice sunny day, okay?

If all else fails I can always watch the various birds that find my feeders the easiest place to dine for miles and miles. Hey, whether you believe me or not I have had a Baltimore Oriole at my feeder this week - wow! No that is not a photo of him, that's a Blue Jay, you nitwit!!

This is the oriole - neat, huh? Love the colors!

Whatever you do – keep smiling!!!

Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask..

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you.'
Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

P.S. On a side note, my daughter who is approximately 5'6" got her pistol permit and her height is now 4'10"! Nope, I'm not gonna get one....hell, I'd either end up 6'8" or 3'2.....not taking any chances!!!

Tell Me This Won't Happen

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says. She got in the back-seat by mistake.."

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

SUPERSEX

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playcards. One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Please !!!! TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME!!!

Tell

Nice Days = Work Outside

You know that "thing" that hits when you are cleaning inside your house. You know, you start with one room and before you know it, you got two or three rooms torn apart and wondering "what the hell happened?"

Well, after winter, our garage seems to have this collection of salt and dirt and well, that means it has to be cleaned, right? Seems simple enough, just get the shop Vac out and go to it. Holy shit you can't even clean the friggin garage without realizing you now feel this horrendous need to "reorganize" the sucker and it'll look neater, nicer and you'll just have hubby smiling from ear to ear.

Well, forget the hubby part, mine will say, "damnit, now I can't find shit." He'll forget to say how nice the garage looks and all the salt and dirt gone, all he will see is an organized garage that is neat and tidy and this is the shit he can't find or accept! Look, he can't find shit when it's unorganized, so this cleaning is no big news or problem for him...shit happens, aim high!!

Anyway, I got that job done and came inside to cool down and get some lunch. I have the grand dog today because I felt he deserved to be outside not stuck in some house. Anyway, he is fine, but this means I gotta stop now and then and play with the dog. After lunch it was mow the lawn, again doesn't sound like that big a deal, we do have a riding lawn mower. However, this yard is not smooth and you do get quite a bouncy ride and if you should end up with a slight back ache, then stop mowing the friggin yard! Good advice but never followed, hummm, stupidity reigns.

So the garage is cleaned, the yard is mowed, I've had a shower and now I plan to watch more the French Open Tennis matches. Hey, its getting really interesting now...Nadal is out, Serena is out (that means both Williams sisters are out), Roddick is out, Murray is out, the last French player is out and we still got Roger Federer going strong but hey, it's no shoot in for him...he still has some major competition coming up. Okay, I know you don't give a tip about tennis -- soon football shall commence and we can talk about that too.

Hey, hope you have enjoyed this nice weather, gotten outside and had a sun fix?

Keep smiling!

Forgetter forgotten, I think

Pretty much how it goes everyday.....

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the heck was that?'

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

CAN YOU RELATE???

PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO!

LIVE, LOVE & LAUGH A LOT!

Happy June First

Okay, you have been good, right? Now it's time for a quiz. Oh come on, it's fun and who's gonna know your score?

Enjoy the moment -- what the hell, you might surprise yourself (I know I did when I took this quiz, I was dumber than a box of rocks).

These are not trick questions..They are straight questions with straight answers

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends

.2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in Standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

THIS IS PRETTY COOL. HAVE A GREAT DAY!

Answers To Quiz:

1. Boxing

2. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. Strawberry.

5. It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets,parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. Lettuce.

9. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART...Today is "National Mental Health Day." You can do your part by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person.

Well, my job's done!

LIFE IS A JOURNEY. ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW AND ENJOY THE BREEZE.