Doctor’s Advise

It's a lovely 3 degrees today and the sun is shining, so life is good.

Winter seems to find many folks seeing the doctor and why this happens is beyond me. Maybe our brain has a chance to scream; "this body needs some help." But whatever, we go and man, some of the advise is precious. Here are a few examples:

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1.. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Remember When

Here's an example of the good ole wood splitter, nothing fancy, but it got the job done. Today you pay a pretty price for a "pretty" log splitter! Go figure!

Okay, even I have had enuff of the white stuff aka snow! I mean, I like winter and yes, snow is needed for the things I like to do like skiing, snow shoeing or even making a snowman but this constant snowing is getting damn old! One hardly has time to “clear” a path before another storm hits. Not exactly a storm but more white stuff falls…holy sheet!

Anyway, after a while you realize the TV shows are repeats or repeats, the books have been read so many times you can actually quote the pages and going outside becomes a bit boring too. I mean, yes its fun to get out there and do whatever, but it’s also cold, wet and you keep bundling up to insure you don’t catch a cold or whatever “bug” manages to buzz about this time of year.

So we find other things to occupy our minds and suck up the days. Napping only works for so long and then, well, our minds need to be awakened and used or we’ll go completely nuts. So, what else do we have – oh ya, those damn “catalogs” and “discount” magazines that usually have the same stuff month after month.

I gotta tell ya, if my folks were alive they’d love the recent stuff folks are selling. Ready for this---dig out those ole faucet handles, paint’em up and then hang’em up and have these colorful hooks to hold whatever you want aka, garden tools, coats, school bags, etc. Who’d of thunk!

As kids we had “hooks” for our winter coats and mittens, hooks---make that NAILS! Hey, they worked just fine and nobody seemed to mind and you know why, because that is what most folks used, we didn’t have fancy hooks and a nail worked just dandy! Hell it we’d been a little bit smarter, we could have painted those nails and had us a real fancy hook for coats! [ya, then we could of fought over them too]

How about the fancy, colorful and somewhat costly compost/trash cans for the kitchen. You know, something to put scraps in and then, supposedly use in your garden in the spring[or if on a farm, scraps to feed to the pigs and/or chickens].Hell, we used empty milk containers [plastic and cardboard, not glass] and they worked just fine. And we also used these same containers to freeze water so we could use them to cool down drinks in the ice chest when we packed stuff up to head out for a day of fishing, a picnic, hell even took drinks to the drive in movies -- you remember those days, right? And you probably remember "sneaking" many friends in the trunk of you car too, right? I wonder, did management know we did this and said damn little or were they totally dumb to this concept? Ya, some of us got caught but for the most part, you could sneak in quite a few people if they kept their mouths shut as you went through the pay area.

So here’s your assignment, sit there and think of the things you have around your house and think back to your childhood and remember what you “use to” have and use. Hey, it’s a fun little trip and you’ll find yourself smiling and laughing as you realize your parents weren’t so out of step as you once thought!

What the hell else ya got to do -- oh shovel the driveway again or perhaps the deck! Well, do whatever floats your boat...memory lane is a fun, inexpensive and less taxing exercise! You could shock yourself into realizing you are now buying stuff, you once used for free and never thought twice about it!

Stimulus Payment Info.

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.

If you pay your credit cards off, it will go to bank management bonuses and they will hide if offshore. Same with stock investment. Instead, you can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spending it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only American businesses still operating in the US.

And now you too can have In2tuition...happy?

A TEST FOR OLD KIDS

I was picky who I sent this to. It had to be those who might actually remember. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us 'old kids'! The answers are printed below, but don't cheat.

1.After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________.

2.When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The __________ Show.

3'Get your kicks, _________.'

4.'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to _________.'

5.'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, _____.'

6.After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the _____.'

7.Nestle's makes the very best . . . . _____.'

8.Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _____.

9.What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _____.

10.Red Skeleton's hobo character was named ____ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '______ ___. '

11.Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their__.

12.The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ___ & ______.

13.In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to ___.

14.We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ____.

15.One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ____.

ANSWERS :

1.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.

2.The Ed Sullivan Show

3.On Route 66.

4.To protect the innocent.

5.The Lion Sleeps Tonight

6.The limbo

7.Chocolate

8.Louis Armstrong

9.The Timex watch

10.Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'

11.Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)

12.Beetle or Bug

13.Buddy Holly

14.Sputnik

15.Hoola-hoop

Okay, you got them all correct -- ain't you just lying big time!!! As for me, its a lovely 10 degrees, time for me to get bundled up and remake my snowshoe trail. Mother Nature was rude and covered my former one with piles of white stuff, she can be a real nasty woman at times. However the sun is peeking thru the clouds and there is very little wind out there, so it's a beautiful morning -- I'm gonna listen for and see if I can find a sparrow and if it "fluffs," well, it fluffs, no big deal. You all have a nice day, ya hear!

I could be a member of the "Polar Bear Club." Yeah, I stand in freezing cold water whenever someone flushes the toilet while I'm in the shower.

WEATHER WARNINGS

Only snow shoe when the wind is calm or you could end up looking like this -- harder than hell to keep your balance but if you do manage, it's grand fun.


Oh come on, poking fun at yourself is good for the mind (anyone know where mine is?)


I get a kick out of the various names our weather personnel assign to our weather scenes and conditions. The latest, which I can’t recall seeing before is “hazardous winter storm warning.” This was the "warning" earlier on my computer and it changed quickly, gee why did that happen? They didn't think the word was proper? Holy sheet -- these weather folks have got way too much time on their hands to dream up blaring adjectives to describe our weather. Anyway, here's the latest storm warning:



A total snow accumulation of 8 to 12 inches is expected by late tonight. Snow will be heavy at times this afternoon and early this evening. The snow will taper off to snow showers after midnight tonight.A Winter Storm Warning for heavy snow means severe winter weather conditions are expected or occurring. Significant amounts of snow are forecast that will make travel dangerous. Only travel in an emergency. If you must travel... keep an extra flashlight... food... and water in your vehicle in case of an emergency.



See, I told ya, there's nothing in this to justify "hazardous," right?

Hey, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great they can advise us but a storm is a storm, right Forrest?

Oh here's a new one -- ready for this -- freezing snow fog! What the hell, are we having a bad hair day or what? Make up your mind, it's either freezing snow or fog but freezing fog, are you for real?

Yes, I was out in this snowy mess – only a short time tho…like that makes me smarter than the average bear! After completing my morning workout I headed home and after a small slip and slide as I got on Route 56, I slammed Ruby into part time 4-wheel drive and headed home. The roads are slick and as more snow comes down they'll get worse but slow down and pay attention and you'll do just fine. What is bad are those damn bumper-riders—tailgaters or whatever you wish to call those assholes that insist on riding your bumper. Ya, we all have to endure them and one of these days, someone is gonna stop, get out and head to their car and slap them silly and maybe then, they'll back OFF!

As I sit here and look out my front window this stuff is coming down with a major purpose in mind, what that purpose is I have no idea because we already have a covering of white so I guess, a deeper cover is the purpose. The story goes we should see 10 to 12 inches of more white stuff, ain’t that just special! I just got my snowshoe trail all packed down and now, well, sheet, I’ll have to start over – damn Mother Nature she can be rude as hell at times!

Well, you all stay warm and once this stuff stops, well, we’ll dig ourselves out and talk about how much white stuff fell and how we hope spring arrives early this year. Yes, this was a very entertaining blog today -- bite me --- oh hell, just smile and know life is good. Come on, we're above ground and breathing, that is GOOD!

I don’t need a calendar to know its winter. I can just ask one of the mice who moved in to warm up!

Amaryllis is done for now -- duh!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Below are some of the more interesting stories our eyes and ears are subjected to this week. I gotta tell ya, it might be cold outside but TV sucks and the news ain’t all that entertaining but if you take a few minutes you can see some humor in the recent batch of “are you kidding me?

SMOKING BAN VOTED DOWN

When I first heard about this proposal and it was tried last year too, I kind of smiled and thought this is dumb. But damn it they didn’t present it again this year. Now what was proposed was a smoking ban in city parks, playgrounds, athletic fields and beaches. And as it was last year it was voted down and the reason: Most of the councilors said they would not support the ban because it would be a virtually unenforceable ordinance. Ya think! However this council is not without recourse and they agreed to put up signs at the entrances RECOMMENDING visitors not smoke. Are you kidding me?

Woman gives birth to octuplets in California hospital

Okay, I admit it, I had to look up that word to be sure I had it right – in case you don’t wish to take the time, no worries, it means EIGHT. Can you imagine, giving birth to 8 kids – holy sheet and within five minutes – and guess what, the mother plans to breast feed all 8 – that’s a lot of breast milk and another Are you kidding me comments!

Prince Harry and Girlfriend Split

Well, I for one can sleep better knowing this five year romance is over but is it? No royal decree about this so called “we’re done” report so who in hell knows. So Harry me boy, go fly your helicopter and Chelsy, go back to Law School – and yes, the world still rotates – lovely!

Impeachment trial to proceed without governor

Springfield: On the day Illinois lawmakers launch the impeachment trial that could remove him from office; Governor Rod Blagojevich will not be in the capitol building defending himself. Instead, he'll be trying to influence public opinion with television appearances. Oh this is gonna be a fun story to watch – mark my words!

AUSTRALAIN TENNIS OPEN

Yes, of course it is still happening – into the second week and things are heating up or to say the least, changing like crazy. Some players have given in to the heat and injuries and retired as they could not continue with their matches. That makes it somewhat awkward for the opponent but also moves them into the next round. For the first time in many years, Andy Roddick is into the quarter finals. He really looks good this year, lost 15 pounds, is faster around the court and maybe, maybe just maybe he has listened to folks who have said he needed to mix up his game and become less predictable. Of course Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal are still going strong and fun to watch. I predict it will be Roger and Rafa in the final showdown and this year, Rafa will get the Australian title.

As more things come along that fit into the “are you kidding me” status I shall happily share them with you. As for me, I’m headed outside to snowshoe for an hour or so. I gotta get in my morning workout so I can have my afternoon nap.

Why does “slim chance,” and “fat chance” mean the same thing?

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely!

Weather-Boredom

Now this is a first in my book – or maybe my book needs to be returned to the library.

We got a winterstorm advisory that is gonna start Tuesday night and end sometime Wednesday. So what you say? Hello, this is friggin MONDAY! How about telling us what our weather will be like today, is that too much to ask or expect!

It is now around 3:30 pm and it is finally starting to snow, not much mind ya but snowing nonetheless. Light stuff at the moment but as the weather people have jumped days, who in hell knows what this means. Also, seems good ole St. Lawrence County lucked out yesterday as Watertown got slammed with 12 inches of snow and we got ZIP.

Look, I know folks don’t like snow or want much of it but come on, we had more snow last year and we ‘NEED’ snow. You want those rivers high and full in the summer, right? Well, we need snow to get them to that point – is this too hard a concept for you all to get? Good, so stop with the whining and bitching about snow!

Are all of you ready for the so called NEW TV programs? I gotta tell ya, I got cable and get probably a zillion channels but lately, TV has sucked big time and I really am sick of all the flippin reruns too. Why do we have to wait so damn long for the new shows? And some, the commercials make them look attractive, we will never see because some dipwad will cancel the show before any of us sane people ever see it.

Well, I gotta make a decision – fire up the Wii program and play a few fitness games, aka tennis, bowling, boxing or golf, OR bundle up a bit and head outside and don my snowshoes and make tracks in the snow? I am leaning toward snowshoes but I know I’m gonna want to do a lot of this tomorrow so Wii wins.

Ya, the last week in January and we can only hope the Feb sees us with better TV shows and what the hell, nicer weather too. Sunshine would be nice -- its that yellow thing in the sky in case you can't remember (no, stupid, look up for yellow, not down -- idiot).

SAD

This is not what you think – nope, SAD is “seasonal affective disorder.” Aren’t you just amazed and thrilled to know this?

Okay, what is SAD? Believe it or not it is a type of depression that affects a person during the same season each year. If you get depressed in the winter but feel much better in spring and summer, you may have SAD.

Oh ya, anyone can get SAD, but its more common in:

• People who live in areas where winter days are very short or there are big changes in the amount of daylight in different seasons.[does this mean Alaska? Who pays for this research?]
• People between the ages of 15 and 55. The risk of getting SAD for the first time goes down as you age.[finally something good about aging!]
• People who have a close relative with SAD [screw'em they ain't related anymore, right?]

What causes SAD? Hey, even the experts are not sure what causes SAD, but they think it may be caused by a lack of sunlight. Lack of light upset your sleep-wake cycle and other circadian rhythms. And it may cause problems with a brain chemical called serotonin that affects mood.

Symptoms? Oh you’re gonna like these:

• Feel sad, grumpy, moody or anxious
• Lose interest in your usual activities
• Eat more and crave carbohydrates, such as bread and pasta.
• Gain weight
• Sleep more and feel drowsy during the daytime.

Does this sound like something we call CABIN FEVER to anyone but me? Ya, and I don't recall any studies to end up with this phrase either but after spending hundreds of thousands of dollars we now got SAD! What is friggin "sad" is this research!

So what is the cure? Wait for April and it should pass. Go outside and stand in the sunshine, if you can find some sunshine. Buy Vitamin D and take it -- then, you'll "feel"like you got sunshine. Oh shit, just get outside and stop feeling sorry for yourself -- ye gads!

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. Now that is SAD.

Snow Shoeing

Just wanted to show ya that I actually do snow shoe. Sometimes people make claims and they never do what they claim. Not me, I'm the real deal -- fat, sassy and living life to the fullest.

Now let's cut some slack here, shall we, when one bundles up for outdoor outings, they tend to look -- well -- bundled up. So if you think I haven't lost any weight, see me in the Spring. Now for some Ya-Ya Sister comments.

Reasons to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous training?"

Clear as a bell my body said; "Listen fatty, do it and die!"

Amazing!! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today!

Hey, you all have a grand Sunday -- it's a mere 16 degrees out there, surely you can handle that -- get outside and enjoy the winter wonders!

HERE WE GO

Yup, this is the word for the day and supposedly shall last until sometime Sunday -- oh how precious is this?

More peanut products added to recall list
More than 31 million pounds, 125 items affected in salmonella probe. Damn, this happens to be one of my favorite snack foods and now, well, I can’t have it until this mess is cleared up. Why can’t this happen to those fat-building-pound items instead of the good stuff?

Rep. Gillibrand gets Clinton's Senate seat
After N.Y. selection drama, governor names upstate congresswoman to job. Does anyone know anything about this woman other than she is a woman? Here’s what one person had to say about her:

"She is whip-smart and hard working," said Rep. Anthony Weiner of New York City. "She has made helping upstate her mission, but she understands that New York City is the economic engine that makes the state go. I'm going to work hard to help her be a success. She was a great choice among a lot of great candidates."

Well, that makes all the difference, now I know all there is to know about this woman, you go girl, you go!

Oh hell, enuff of this stuff…woke up this morning feeling guilty about blowing my diet so bad yesterday. I even replayed my sisters comments when we chatted; “Stop,” she said, “you can blow this diet every now and then, who in hell cares. It’s not like you have quit completely, just one flippin day. By the way, don't you have a place where you could buy just one donut vs a box of 12? What in hell were you thinking--- dummy! Okay, now relax, have a beer and tomorrow, well, workout twice as long for being stupid."

I was all set to go outside and really put in some snowshoe time until I saw the “wind chill advisory.” Holy sheet – minus 21 wind chill, hey even I ain’t that dedicated to snowshoeing. I shall wait and if things warm up I may venture out but most likely, this is gonna be an inside workout day. Watch out Yoga I’m gonna do you again – well, part of your program. And I always have the lovely Wii program, which offers various exercises. I will, one day, get the Wii Fitness program – if they ever buy more than two for the entire county. No shit, stores can’t keep this program on the shelves, so why don’t they order MORE of them? Is this rocket science? Damn, give me that order blank, I’ll insure we all get a chance to buy this sucker…weird people.

Okay, you all have a nice Saturday – my blah moment has passed – thank goodness, too many of them and I’d be bonkers for sure.

Just went out to get the paper, I'm so cold my boobs are chattering!

BLAH

I gotta tell ya, some folks are just flat ass lucky. The Norwood Lake is not completely frozen but we got snowmobilers who will cross it regardless and could care less.

This kind of stupidity or need to challenge the elements is gonna see folks "in the water"and sleds lost until Spring. I'm all for having fun, but common sense would be helpful too. Let's be careful out there -- shall we?

~~~~~~~~~~~

Ever have one of those days where you just feel – well – blah? Nothing really wrong, but you just seem to want something, want to do something and at the same time, don’t want to do a damn thing!

Ya, it’s a real mystery and it happens to everyone – which is kind of cool, at least it means you’re not alone! Part of me wants to don my “layers” and head outside and snowshoe and part of me just wants to watch the Australian Open Tennis matches (which is a pisser as I can go on line and ascertain who won yesterday and that kind of makes watching the match a bit –well – dumb!). Plus there’s this spitting type rain, which makes me think “aw sheet, it’s gonna get slick, damnit!” Just to repeat myself, I do not like walking on ice – and no, I cannot walk on water either, so I am as they politely say it - screwed!

Okay, let’s try this rambling – am I the only one who thinks January is moving along damn quickly? I mean, come on, just a few short weeks ago we were ringing in the New Year and making stupid resolutions, which we’ll never keep and now, we got one more week and this month is over! Now some folks think this month can’t move fast enough because February means – they are off to Florida. Not me, I’m headed there, hopefully in April. By then the Florida waters are warmer and I can truly enjoy being in the water. Aside from the "cabin fever"plans I still maintain January is scooting by pretty damn quickly and hey, maybe that is a good thing. Again, I do like winter and although winter weather limits some of my activities, I still find it an amazing time of year. I also happen to think, folks are nicer to each other in cold weather -- don't ask me why, it just happens. We are more apt to stop and help someone who is stuck in the snow vs stopping because some fool ended up in the ditch on a hot summer day. Think about it -- ya, I'm right -- you think the same thing!

Enuff of this rambling – I’m gonna watch some Tennis and you know what, I'm gonna blow the bloody damn diet too -- bring on those wonderful, thigh-filling donuts -- holy mother of fat are they good!

As Maxine says: Got my coffee, got my cigarettes, got my computer and took my Prozac …it’s gonna be a great day! (Damn we gotta get her off those damn cigs!)

JUST WATCH

I just read that President Obama re-took the Oath of Office -- well, ain't that special. No mistakes this time and everything went smoothly...gotta love the class this man constantly shows us, right?

Oh I thought you'd enjoy some photos -- I had fun taking them and some --well-- legally I was not suppose to be where I was and the fine was $75 if caught -- nope, didn't get caught and did no harm, so all is good.

Did my morning snowshoeing and it was fit-tastic! I was on such a roll I even lost count how many times I went around the back yard, then around the entire house. Suffice to say, it was a grand workout. Then I got stupid and decided to do a little shoveling, stupid is as stupid does -- and I does not shovel and now I remember why -- that is way too much work in my book!!! My poor ole back can't handle that stuff, no way. Hey, it was only 26 degrees outside but that wind, well, let's just say it was brisk at best. And it never stopped snowing either --damn, it was fun!

Sharpest knife in the drawer

Gents Clothing at Bargain Prices

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign in a store window which reads, "Suits $5.00, shirts $1.69, trousers $2.50 a pair."

Bubba says "Billy Joe, Look here at them prices! We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Arkansas, and sell 'em right offa the backa the truck. We could make a fortune.. But let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're just ignorant hillbillys and not wanna sell that stuff to us.. So I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from the Ozarks."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgian drawl, "Afternoon, Sir, I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $1.69, and 50 pairs of them trousers at $2.50. I'll just pull my pickup around back.."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Arkansas, ain't ya, son?"

"Well, yeah," says a surprised Bubba."How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."


Leave a Specimen

A hillbilly woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replies, "Damned if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."

The woman goes next door and comes back ten minutes later with her clothes torn to shreds. She is cut and bruised all over.

"What in the hell happened?" asked her husband.

"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. So I told her to go shit in her hat, and then all hell broke loose."


Anesthetic

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."


Cancer Lawsuit

Somewhere in the Deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, that is true."

Bubba asked, "And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true, mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?"

"Cause I was thinkin' maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a side note I see Caroline Kennedy has withdrawn from her quest to take Hillary's Senate seat. Well, we never said she was stupid, a little confused for awhile and perhaps she herself began to realize, "this ain't gonna happen even tho my name is Kennedy." Even she understood she lacked experience and hey, give her some credit, her priority is and always has been family and her reasons for withdrawing our, you guessed it - "personally."

Well, our "alleged" -10 degree weather last night did not happen, oh we got some snow but the temp, is a lovely 26 degrees. That means I can go out and snowshoe without worrying about freezing my fingers to the ski poles and yes, I fixed that pole that seemed to get shorter and shorter every lap I made around the house. So, you all have a good day, I may be back with more but for now, I plan to head outside and get my snowshoe workout...hurrah!
_

The Purina Diet

You may have heard this story before but hey, every now and then, one comes along that is worth repeating and this is that ONE!

Plan your trip to Africa with McDonald's -- amazing adventure!!!

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.

I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won’t let me shop there anymore.

If it wasn't for tailgaters, no one would ever check out my rear end!

Hey, I believe in sharing the road with other drivers, they can have the part behind me!

Another Rant

I know, it's Tuesday and I've got another RANT -- does it ever end? Not really and we all know why!

I have never been a real big fan of bathroom scales or any instrument used to weigh me or anyone else. I don't trust the suckers and I think they can (and have) caused alot of unnecessary stress and pressure. I also like to claim it's not the pounds lost that means the most to be but how I feel doing all these various exercise programs, including walking 2 miles each day, working out at Curves, doing Yoga, and so on. All in all, it's my overall fitness that counts not the pounds I lose. BUT when I began to notice and recorded actually pound losses,well, I was pretty damn impressed and encouraged to continue on with these simple, easy programs.

Then I started to give the bathroom scale a bit more interest. First off, never use these on a carpeted surface as the reading will be false. Oh shit, I have one bathroom carpeted and another that is not. Guess which one I use -- and ask yourself; "would you weigh yourself in the uncarpeted bathroom?" No, you would not.

Anyway, here's the rub or rant: there's almost a 25 point difference and that is just flippin unreal in my book. I could accept a couple points but 25! What the hell.

So I'm gonna use the scale that gives me the lowest reading and if anyone has a problem with that, well, be prepared to duke it out.

Thar I feel better, had my rant and good to go....thanks for listening!

The Darwin Awards

Yes, I'm gonna share these awards, hang on a sec. I just finished my morning exercise aka snowshoeing and man, did I work up a sweat -- which is good, I think! One ski pole kept getting shorter and shorter and that was a tad annoying -- I gotta spend a little time and tighter that sucker before I trek off again..duh!

Yes it's a tad chilly, 10 degrees and snowing but once you get out and move, it's not so bad. Later I shall fire up the jeep and head to Massena, haven't been there in a few weeks and might as well see what's happening in that neck of woods. In the meantime, enjoy the following.

It's that time again.... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.This year's winner was a real rocket scientist....Read on ... and remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

And the nominees were:Semifinalist #1A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he rushed to vomit into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his unfortunate sister.

Semifinalist #2Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles (HARD to control light airplanes when everyone moves to one side).

Semifinalist #3A 22-year-old Reston , VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'

Semifinalist #4A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend -- no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate -- was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

*************************************************************************** Now, to the winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.

Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist .... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.

The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

You couldn't make this stuff up -- AND THEY BREED & VOTE.

SCARY, ISN'T IT? Nuff for today

Do you realize in about 40 Years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with TATTOOS? And......RAP MUSIC will be the GOLDEN OLDIES. (Now that's scary).

YOUR BANK ACCOUNT

MY WISH FOR EACH OF YOU IS TO BE ABLE TO SEE EACH DAY AS THIS MAN DID.

This is AWESOME....something we should all remember.

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. 'I love it,' he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

'Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait.'

That doesn't have anything to do with it,' he replied." Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged-- It’s how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Here's a tip as you get older: Never wear a hearing aid, because if you do, people expect you to listen to them!

WINTER Poem

I just had to share this poem with you and to let you know, we ain't got it so bad. My son is repeatedly reminding me that 35 below zero is flippin cold and that doesn't even take in the wind chill which is usually as high or higher than the temp -- now that my friends is cold.

Subject: It's winter in Minnesota

And the gentle breezes blow

Seventy miles an hour

At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Minnesota

When the snow's up to your butt

You take a breath of winter

And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful

So I guess I'll hang around I could never leave Minnesota

I'm frozen to the ground!

And that explains "why" he lives and stays in Minnesota!!

REVIEWING MY WEEK

Norwood Lake looks so peaceful and cold with this cover of white.

Soon more snowmobilers will ride over and some fisherman may try their luck, if they can withstand the cold temps. Ya gotta love winter!!

Oh what the hell, everyone else has a week of review, why not me? Might not be as exciting as the national, state or local review week but hey, it’s still a real review of a real person in a real world.

Monday: -- not a bad day at all. Got up and went to Curves and did my morning workout and felt good. Came home, did some laundry, cleaning and had lots of energy. TV sucked but what else is new!

Tuesday -- this was the day I would (1) stop procrastinating and get back into snowshoeing and (2) have at least two brain farts to prove I was alive and normal. The brain farts included memory lapse of how to put on the damn snowshoes and then, how to get them off! Ya, this was definitely rocket science at its highest level…holy sheet!

Wednesday ---the temps were now 8 below zero and it was bloody ass cold. And my 1999 jeep is now beginning to whine a bit and make ya wonder if she’ll turn over. And of course, everyone is saying the same original statements: “Damn it’s cold out thar!” Ya think?

Thursday---Now my week begins to truly challenge me. The temp on the deck was -27 and that is subzero temps in my book. I have a doctor’s appointment so I “need” my car but it wants to whine and make starting a real nasty exercise. Finally I give in and call Hubby and admit defeat and he’s gotta come get me and haul me to this appointment. While I wait for him, I try my car one more time and this time it starts but I gotta sit in it and push the gas down for awhile to “heat” things up. Even in the garage this was a cold number and I was not exactly happy. Later in the afternoon the jeep starts and all is good or so I think.

Friday--Jeep whines a little but starts and again, we go to Curves and I do my workout and this time, as I want the car to have a workout too, drive home the back roads and snap a few more winter photos – and yes, burn up more gas.

Saturday ---Now the jeep will truly show her true colors and make it known she’s had enough of this crap![she can be a real bitch at times].Oh she starts but she whines and isn’t too happy. I leave her idling while I visit my daughter and then as we go out and think we are headed into town, the sucker is not running. My son-in-law checks it and the battery is dead. He gets it charged up and advises me to go to Advance Auto and get a new battery. Hey, for ten years she’s had the same battery and had been telling me all week, I want a new battery. Did I listen? Hell no, did I today, hell yes! And once installed and running nicely that lovely “check engine light” that has bugged my mechanic for weeks is finally off for good (I think). Bottom line a new battery is cheaper than a new car and I happen to like my jeep (definitely like no car payments).

Sunday --- Yes, I will watch football games, that is a given, right? Also having the Kel and Dan over for dinner, which means we all can play various Wii games, which is always fun. I’ll do a little bit of laundry just to make sure I don’t sit too long (damn dryer doesn’t fold clothes; I gotta me a new one).

And starting Monday the Australian Tennis Open begins, and you know how I love TENNIS. I’ll be glued to the TV set – well, not entirely – gotta do my Curves workout and want to snowshoe next week too. Oh the weight loss – three pounds this past week – gained three over the holidays and have lost it so I am back on track (or is that schedule?). Ya I suppose I should start my jeep just to insure it will start and that battery was the problem and has been fixed, right?


So that was my week– hope you all managed to stay warm, had a chance to get outside and if you had a few brain farts, well, join the group, just proves we’re alive and normal. In other words, don’t think you need some support group or this is early dementia it’s just a temporary memory freeze.

Helpful Hints

There is something about below zero temps, water and snow that just creates some of the most amazing photos --well, I think they are amazing!

And yes, that water does look cold -- no swimming allowed on this day -- ye gads.

Coffee filters...who knew! And you can buy 1,000 at the Dollar Store for almost nothing.

• Cover bowls or dishes when cooking in the microwave.Coffee filters make excellent covers.



• Clean windows and mirrors. Coffee filters are lint-free so they'll leave windows sparkling.



• Protect China - Separate your good dishes by putting a coffee filter between each dish.



• Filter broken cork from wine. If you break the cork when opening a wine bottle, filter the wine through a coffee filter.



• Protect a cast-iron skillet. Place a coffee filter in the skillet to absorb moisture and prevent rust.



• Apply shoe polish. Ball up a lint-free coffee filter.



• Recycle frying oil. After frying, strain oil through a sieve lined with a coffee filter.



• Weigh chopped foods. Place chopped ingredients in a coffee filter on a kitchen scale.



• Hold tacos. Coffee filters make convenient wrappers for messy foods.



• Stop the soil from leaking out of a plant pot. Line a plant pot with a coffee filter to preventthe soil from going through the drainage holes.



• Prevent a Popsicle from dripping. Poke one or two holes as needed in a coffee filter.



• Do you think we used expensive strips to wax eyebrows? Use strips of coffee filters.



• Put a few in a plate and put your fried bacon, French fries, chicken fingers, etc on them. Soaks out all the grease.



• Keep in the bathroom. They make great "razor nick fixers."



• OH YEAH THEY ARE GREAT TO USE IN YOUR COFFEE MAKERS

Now for some more photos. Here's the Norwood Ice Rink and I for one have yet to see anyone use it, which is sad because it takes time and work to make this sucker and it can be fun to skate on it (I tried last year and well, not very graceful on the ice but I had a blast). The other shot is "beside" the ice rink, maybe it's the "starter rink" for new skaters? Whatever, that rink is there and should be used!

When it warms up a bit, get out there and enjoy the outdoors -- its really beautiful and peaceful.

PERKS for getting OLDER

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.

Don't laugh......it is all true...

Perks of reaching 60 or being over 68 and heading towards 75 years of age.

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans .

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list..

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!

Read and Learn

THE GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!


Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.


Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.


Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.


Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.


Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.


Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to meeting new people.


After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN


Between 16 and 70, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts....

WINTER CLOTHING

Every season has it’s – what shall I call them – appearances, ya that’s a good term. Appearance takes on many forms but winter sees us dressing and walking differently and in some cases, we talk differently too.

Let’s start with our head. Now we got the ones who refuse to wear any head gear and complain about how cold their head is and how they can’t get rid of this damn cold! We got the folks who wear some really fugly head gear but hey, they are warm. What is amazing is nobody really cares what folks have on their head and even when yanked off, we all know hair ain’t gonna look pretty and sticking up or stuck to one’s head is fine.

Now move down to jackets and neck scarves. Now some think they can put a sweater (or two) on and a summer jacket and this is sufficient cold weather gear – lots of luck. Others are so “down” filled they look like stuffed Michelin dolls and waddle as they walk. You got the neck scarves that are practically covering the entire face, toss in the hat and upward collar and you’re damn lucky if you can see eyes, but hey they are warm so leave them alone! Personally I dislike a heavy winter coat, I mean I want to be warm but I don’t want to haul around extra weight – so a Columbia, North Face or Gear jacket is just fine (I usually take out the inner lining as this is too much heat for me – call me nuts but hey, I’m comfy and warm).

And what about the hand cover? Oh man, this is amazing. Some refuse to wear any gloves, macho types and they got cracked skin and cold hands that never seem to warm up and these folks either sit on their hands or have them wrapped around a hot drink cup. Other folks wear these gloves that look cute but provide absolutely no warmth whatsoever and they don them to scrap ice off their windshield. As they don’t last long, these are the clowns you see driving along with a tiny pin hole from which to drive – ya, these are my faves – idiots!

We also got the one’s who wear gloves that go half way up the arm and have what appears to be hundreds of straps to keep them secure. Watch these clowns try to free a hand to use their wallets – it’s truly a work of art! The best of course are the mitten group, now good mittens will keep your hands warm, grip the steering wheel and look damn fashionable too. Of course thinsulate gloves are also stylish and doable.

I shant’ go into pants – we got some who wear blue jeans, ski pants, snow pants and what ever and a few gals insist on wearing skirts, nylons and wonder why in hell they are cold! Nope, let’s move right on down to the foot wear – this where it really gets cute. And yes, no matter what you wear on your feet or your age, we all tend to shuffle along – that’s one thing winter weather does for us – give us all the same shuffle walking field. Not reserved just for old folks!

But the foot attire – holy cow dung, this is unreal. We got the tennis shoes that are worn year round and that includes in 3 feet of snow – nobody is gonna get them to wear stupid boots. Frozen toes and feet don’t mean squat, they love their tennis shoes. Then we got the heeled boots that women find attractive and damn awkward to walk in especially on ice – but hey, they look nice! We got what looks like “moon” boots so damn big and bulky it’s amazing anyone can walk in them but supposedly they keep your feet warm…just that you won’t move or stay outside long because you’ll be exhausted just walking in these suckers.

We got all kinds of boots and some require thermal socks but they keep the feet warm. My fave is the thinsulate boots which are light weight, relatively attractive and man do they keep your feet warm. Yes, they are a tad pricey but good winter boots is anything but cheap and as an adult, spend the money and you’ll wear these boots for many years.

Yes winter attire is amazing and I find it damn fun to witness and at times shake me head in wonder and other times, wish to hell I had something I see someone else wearing. Regardless, us North Country folks do know how to dress warm for the weather and we don’t really care if we look stylish or not, we only want to be warm and able to move about outside. And we do get outside, maybe not for long periods but cold weather does not keep us inside – we do go the stores, church, visiting and even out to eat.

Yes, it’s gonna get colder tonight and I doubt I’ll be snowshoeing tomorrow but hey, I’ll be outside a little bit only because I like to test myself and insure this truly is below zero weather. I lived in North Dakota years ago and one winter day, our temp was 60 below zero and we were colder than Alaska. I think even I decided to stay inside and not test that temp – that was really cold!

So dress warm, stoke those fires or put on more blankets 'cause it's suppose to get really, really cold tonight -- way below zero temps and we'll grin and bear it... next week we'll warm up and say, "aw, that wasn't so bad!"

8 Below Zero

Okay, it's flippin cold -- thar, I said it and that is that. What more can anyone say --oh ya, it's gonna get colder -- happy now?

Good!

Now for some ramblings of a retired mind, ready?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one.

So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

'I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust.'

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor!'

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do... write to these men?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me; they were cramming for their finals or looking for a loophole.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

‘Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life.'
Because: 'Life is a journey to be savored'

Craptastic

Well I don’t look quite this jolly but getting there. I have made a firm decision that without fail, I am going to attempt snow shoeing this morning.

I have had my breakfast and just allowing it to settle before I tackle the “clothing” I will need to stay warm (which is silly, once I get out and move, I warm up fast and having too much on is sweat-city). Then I need to find my “snow pants” those slick suckers that allows snow to fall off vs stick to you.[damn, I can't find them, wonder where in hell I stuck them?] Finally once I get all this done I shall head to the garage and begin the lovely art of putting the snow shoes on.

Oh that sounds simple enough and hopefully it will be simple this year. After all, I have an entire year of walking under my belt, I have lost 15 pounds and I can bend a bit easier these days, so I shouldn’t have any huge issue hooking these snowshoes around my boots, right? Ya wish me luck, I’ll report back in about an hour.

Whew! What a workout, Mama Mia that has me sweating big time! First I had to remember how to hook the snowshoes on and while that sounds easy enough, it does require a bit of flexibility and realization that straps only go one way – damn! Once on I was anxious to go and then, sheet, where in hell are my poles? Ya, didn’t prepare completely for this outing but hey, I found the poles easily enuff and out the door I went.

My goal was to go around my backyard three times –hey, cut me some slack this was my first snowshoe outing for 2009. It felt so damn good and while my legs ached and started to scream; “slow down, quit, for crying out loud, stop this crap,” I kept going and yes, I made it around three times. Then decided I could circuit the entire house, go around the front and back yards and off I went. I think I may have pushed myself a bit too much, got a slight ach in my gut but hey, it will go away. Oh, taking off the snowshoes was another exercise -- gotta remember how those damn straps release too -- talk about a memory game, ye gads!

Oh well, I am back inside, cooling down and I can't begin to express how nice it felt to (1) be outside and (2) snowshoe. I love being outside and as the temp is 25 degrees, the weather was great too. It just feels good to suck in that cold morning air. I would love to take a long walk but again, icy sidewalks and me don't work well together -- falling and breaking a hip is not on my agenda for this year!


Here’s the plant in full bloom – ain’t she pretty? Yes, I can name it too -- Amaryllis! Actually this is my husband "baby" and he's really proud of her -- she is growing up very fast.

My son called from Minnesota around 8:30 this morning, he said, "Mom, it's friggin cold here -- its 31 below zero!" My reply KEEP IT THERE!

Oh Moonbeam, thanks for the new word - craptastic -- love it!

Hearing and Saying

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."