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NOW IT REALLY BEGINS

Yes, I admit it, I did shop on Black Friday but I was NOT up and at any store at 5, 6, 7 or even 8 a.m. Mine was more like noon and as I had until 2 to get the bargains, that was plenty of time!

Around 7:15 I was at Curves doing my morning workout, as the Mn Gang gave me a three month membership as a Christmas gift, I definitely intend to use it. Beside after Turkey Day I needed to work out and rid myself of as much of the fat that I put in my gut that day. Actually I didn’t do too badly, in the weight department – gained a pound but I think I worked most of that off as the day progressed.

Then around noon I collect my dau and we headed to Massena. I have not seen the Mall that busy in months – man, folks were definitely taking advantage of the black Friday sales. Hey, I even managed to save about $40 on a certain item, so I ain’t complaining. But I really (1) do not like to shop and (2) crowds drive me nuts! As the “gift-giving” season moves along, folks get better. I mean, they are polite, courteous and smile a lot but not on Black Friday. Man, many are on a damn mission and they have blinders on – full steam ahead – yuck!

One thing about Black Friday that is fun is you get to see folks you haven’t seen in months. It’s almost a test – can you remember these folks and that includes their names. Oh come on, you know damn well you have stood there talking, laughing and swapping stories and you can’t remember their name for hell or high water. What is even funnier is they don’t remember your name either, but that doesn’t stop the chit-chat!

Well, it’s a little after 7 and I want to get my walk in, so I am outta here. Yes, its chilly, temp reads 30 degrees but I shall bundle up and walk fast (at least for awhile) and I’ll warm up in quick order. As I see the wind is blowing a good clip, I think I’ll grab a scarf for my face too.

So, enjoy Saturday and who knows, I might add more later….oh ya, I hope you had a great Thanksgiving? I did and wish to thank my daughter and husband for a wonderful meal and fond memories.

Oh the subject -- "now it really begins?" The Christmas shopping, stores stay open longer and things disappearing off shelves faster than seems possible. The push to get the Christmas presents begins NOW. Ye gads, hold on to your ass, it's gonna be one hell of a ride!

P.S: Just did my walk and had my first "wipe out!" I did not realize the roads and sidewalks were slick -- thin layer of ice, covered with a thin layer of snow -- sheet, no wonder it's slick. Anyway, I did my wipe out -- didn't get hurt but sure as hell felt the knees hit the pavement. Guess I need to put on those grabber thingys if I plan to walk in this stuff. Hey, when more snow gets here, it'll be snowshoeing that is really fun and a great workout. So, be careful out there - -it is slick -- doesn't look it, but man, black ice is thar believe me!

Two Little Old Ladies

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. 'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.

HAPPY BIRD DAY

Man you can smell the memories as you walk into a house or walk by one as you take in the morning sights and sounds. Thanksgiving is the only holiday (have I said this before) that concentrates mostly on food and blessings. It is the holiday that conjures up memories of past Thanksgivings and makes new ones each year. Be thankful and enjoy the moments.


Oh ya, we awoke to a winter-wonder-land aka snow! I gotta tell ya, it’s damn pretty outside and the snow keeps falling. It is my understanding that this is a wet-heavy-snow [hey, I was outside, this is heavy,wet snow, great for snowballs and/or snowmen making -- oh ya, makes me wanna build one --how about you?] and needs to moved (like out of driveways, sidewalks and roads) or it will form ice crystals and that my friends is bloody ice! I like snow but I am no fan of ice unless it’s in a drink or confined space such as an ice rink!


Okay as you are enjoying family, friends and the meal today, I want you to wonder about and think what this person does – ready? A “ballologist,” -- oh it’s a word and it has a purpose and if nothing else, it’ll make for lively chats today.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

One more Day

Yup, one more day and then, we can inhale the goodies cooks have been preparing all week -- I can hardly wait। No other holiday concentrate this much on food and who doesn't like food? Wow--tomorrow can't get here fast enuff and to hell with diets -- I'm pigging out, how about you?

Did my Curves workout this morning and discovered the Minnesota Clan gave me an early Christmas gift -- 3 month membership -- wow, I am a lucky woman. Thanks kids, yes damnit, Grandma shall continue to work out but don't think you'll see me skinny anytime soon!


Then once that workout was done, my dau suggested we hike the trails up behind the local high school (that would be NNCS) and I said sure so off we went, with Moose [the grand dog] with us of course. He loves it up there and its so wonderful to hike in the woods, yes it was snowing but hey, in the woods you just don't feel it that much. I'll have to do a bit of research on how to upload a video into my blog -- I know it can be done, I just gotta learn how. The above photo shows part of the trail -- kind of cool,eh?

Have a lovely day।

Weather is Beautiful

Oh ya, weather is beauitful, wish you were here!

Its been "snaining" all damn day -- for the less informed -- that's a combination of snow and rain, hence snaining (thanks Moonbeam, lovely word).

Hey,if this has been snow, we'd be ass deep in it tonight but as its snaining, we might want to consider investing in a water tight boat! Let's hope this does not freeze because that would mean some slick damn roads and we don't want that, right?

Yes I have been messing with this blog site. I had a graphic in the header and couldn't get rid of it, so now I have this other thingy. One day I shall ascertain what I did wrong and fix it, until then, live with this and I'll keep posting nonsense to entertain you ---okay,drive you bonkers, whatever fits.

TIS THAT SEASON

Oh get real, not that season, hell, let’s get thru one holiday before we are blasted with another. No the season I’m referring too is that lovely cold season. Lately cold has been replaced with “I’ve got the crud,” ain’t that pretty!

Look I have just one simple request; when you get this crud/cold/coughing/sneezing whatever, stay the hell home! It really is that bloody simple and makes perfect sense. You need to rest, sleep and keep fluids in your body, not spread this shit around to other folks, we don’t want it, okay? We love ya and all that good crap but we don’t want your illness. So get over yourself and stay the hell home!

Today, without fail, I shall start some of my Thanksgiving assigned dishes. None of which are all that difficult and currently I still have room in my fridge. Oh come on, we all know this piece of kitchen equipment becomes packed with Bird day goodies and finding room of yet another dish is one hell of a challenge.

When I get sick of this number, I shall head to town and get the wine – hell, maybe I’ll pick up a prep-bottle too – now that makes perfect sense to me. Hey, you should always taste wine before serving it, right?

Okay, now to make your life really interesting. Imagine you are 39 years old, a baseball pitcher and you are looking for new five year contract. Now here’s the best part, you want a 15 million dollar contract –wait – that’s 15 million each year! And you gave up throwing that baseball as a kid, how stupid are you?

Now imagine you’re being considered for the Sexiest Man of the Year? Oh ya, that took lots of imagination and then, not getting the nod your wife nicely proclaims; “in my book, my husband is the sexiest man of year.” Now, don’t you just feel like a pumped up stud! What the hell, have your moment of fame, it does a body good!

So it’s the season for colds and you now know if sick stay the hell home, right? If healthy, start those bird-day dishes now and don’t put so much stress on yourself Thursday. Unless you got a food network highway kitchen, you only have one oven like the rest of us, so bake early and while the turkey rests from it’s six hour bake, put the other dishes in to warm up – who in hell will know the difference?

More anon.

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter!

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

And you didn't believe it was possible, did you? Shame on you.

THE YEAR 1908

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1908. One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some statistics for the Year 1908 :

************ ********* ********* ******

The average life expectancy was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour.
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard.'
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza

2. Tuberculosis

3. Diarrhea

4. Heart disease

5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter
at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said,
'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,
regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.' ( Shocking?)
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!

Now I posted this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you and others all over Canada & U.S.A. and possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

IT STAGGERS THE MIND!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT LETTER

Yes, it is early to even think about Christmas cards and I for one wish everyone would just allow us to enjoy Thanksgiving without dealing with all this Christmas stuff too.

However, I suspect that many are spending countless hours composing their holiday letter, which they shall send to all their friends and whatever relatives are still speaking to them. I’m gonna attempt some examples of such letters and if you recognize them, just smile.

We are in the best of health except for some minor problems (high blood pressure, obesity, gout, amnesia, irritable bowl syndrome, and hemorrhoids). Once we take our morning medications we are off and running (boy, are we running) for another day!

Grandma and Grandpa are doing fine, except that Grandpa is failing. This fall he failed his way through 25 cords of slab wood with his son’s chain saw, and he is now failing his way through several cords of log-length poplar he is stealing from the beavers (who are stealing it from him). He also failed a complete set of cellar stairs by himself, using 2 inch salt treated lumber. I was stupid enough to help him carry some of that stuff to save him, and threw my back out of joint. I can still hear him cackling as I drove away!

Then you get the ones where everyone is just perfect. Got the perfect children, perfect home, perfect job, perfect car, perfect yard, and perfect grandchildren and just flippin perfect life. Now this is the letter you open, grab a beer, read, drink and think your own life is pretty bad compared to this life and then, holy sheet you get it – this was the perfect LIE and you laugh for days!!!

So if you are busy composing your annual BS letter, be assured we can’t wait to read it and hope you like ours (if we ever compose it and actually mail it)!

Well, it’s Saturday, and baby its flippin cold – currently 15 degrees, light snow on the ground (or is that ice?) and the wind is whipping around which makes for a lovely wind chill – that means its damn cold outside.

So do the rest of your Thanksgiving shopping and starting Monday I expect to “smell” this dinner being prepared because I know you only got one oven and on Thursday that is reserved for the bird and the ham, so that means all other baking is done before – pies, cakes, breads, etc. Gotta love it!

See even the Norwood Ice Rink is Cold!!!

Have a grand weekend!

Yup

Please click on the above graphic and enjoy the message.

One of these days I will figure out how to make animations work directly on this blog -- there has to be a way.

JUST HAD TO DO IT

A BLONDE’S YEAR IN REVIEW

January:
· took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February:
· Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March:
· Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April:
· Trapped on escalator for hours .... Power went out!!!

May:
· Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June:
· Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July:
· Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August:
· Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September: The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October:
· Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November:
· Baked turkey for 4½ days... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December:
· Couldn't call 911.. 'duh'...there's no 'eleven' Button on the stupid phone!!!

MOVING DISHES

Unless you rented some banquet hall, most of us don’t have tables or chairs to accommodate 30 or more people for a dinner. And as we all are borrowing, this becomes a challenge.

No sweat – King of the Table and Queen of the Chairs step forward and solve this challenge with good humor and a bit of cussing! Oh yes, cussing is definitely heard – and what’s a Thanksgiving meal prep without a few damns, hell, sumbitch, or you dirty, low down piece of sheet! The King finds a suitable piece of plywood that not only fits over and on the current table but one that will not slip, flip or dip once food, dishes and arms rest upon it.

AND because this creation will not work in the normal dining area, Queen of Chairs quickly rearranges the living room and now the table fits. Plus the Queen has solved the chair issue – more lumber is needed and soon we have benches – what the hell, you don’t need anything to lean back on – sit up straight and eat your food like a normal person!

Okay, we got all the minor stuff solved, right? I mean, with this many guests it’s not uncommon or unheard of to have assigned seating. A good host remembers who is left-handed and gives them extra space. Being elderly is wonderful because you get a real chair but ya gotta be almost 110 to qualify! And once seated don’t even think about getting up because you forgot or need to use the bathroom – that rude nonsense just ruins a perfectly good meal! Go before you sit, dummy!

Now the fun part begins. We have said “grace” and everyone has been asked to state something they are grateful for [usually someone, guess who says, "I'm grateful I got a real chair."] and then, the show begins. Oh yes, it is a show and how in hell it is accomplished remains a mystery to this day and every Thanksgiving Day.

Dishes begin this slow movement; usually the host announces which direction they shall move – to your RIGHT ONLY. And as the dishes come along, you put “something” on your plate and you keep piling on food until you can’t see your plate anymore and still the dishes keep coming!

After a bit the dishes seem to slow down and you notice folks beginning to eat and wham, you hear OH HELL, we forgot the rolls. So we stop, wait, take a roll and pass the basket along. Amazingly the basket never empties and has plenty of rolls! Again, we attempt to tackle this mound of food and again, a damn dish is under our nose and needs to be passed. This dish will never stop moving, it has no place to rest, so it must move constantly. If someone should ask for something else, then and only then does that dish stop moving and the next dish begins its circuit.

By all means enjoy your Thanksgiving Dinner, keep those dishes moving and create some fond memories for everyone!

P.S. The blog photo today is a shot of the top of the ole Norwood Post Office -- ya, many years ago. But I bet you never looked up and saw these lions, did you?

FINALLY

Okay, this one is for my daughter who says she wants "short and sweet" blogs so she can read them at work -- duh!

I FINALLY LOST TEN POUNDS!

Thar that is short and that is damn sweet! Now I can work on another ten, and I hope the next ten isn't as "trying" at the first ten.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo (what in hell is a Yugo).

After 50 if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!

GONNA HEAR THIS ALOT!

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.



He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'



The boy replied, 'What turkey?'



The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'



The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'



The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'



The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his butt and let him go!'



May your stuffing be tasty

May your turkey be plump,

May your potatoes and gravy Have never a lump.

May your yams be delicious

And your pies take the prize,

And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!



Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

[Hey, I warned ya, you're gonna hear this happy T-Day alot -- so live with it!]

SNOW WALK

Oh I know I will have many of these but this was my first snow walk of the season. First off the temp was 24 degrees and that meant I needed warmer walking clothes, in this case that meant fleece coat, mittens, hat, etc. Still just wore my tennis shoes tho – which was fine.

As I began it was hail coming down and I figured this wouldn’t last long so off I went. Wasn’t long before it was snow and it was coming down pretty damn seriously – hey, the streets were white, wind blowing and snow blowing, I call that serious! And yes, it was cold – mostly the wind.

However it was a grand walk – brisk and one that definitely told me to keep moving, don’t stop to enjoy the sights and, fool if this happens again, wear a damn scarf around your face – this sheet is cold! So having lectured myself I came back and did my yoga workout (mild form I assure you) and now I shall cool down and then, well, time to do a little house cleaning – that damn vacuum doesn’t run by itself and the dust fairy is on strike, so that means I gotta do the dusting too!

While walking I recalled one Thanksgiving tradition that I wonder if other families do? Name exchange! Hey I was from a big family, seven kids and there was no way in hell we were gonna buy gifts for 9 people (remember we had Mom and Dad too). So we drew a name and yes, Mom and Dad were in the hat too. Oh ya, there was a minimum you had to spend, something like $2 – come on, it was my childhood – not today’s youth! It was fun and we tried to guess who had our name and usually got surprised Christmas morning by who actually had our name.

We were not a rich family, at least not financially and it always amazed me that our parents managed to give us memorable Christmas mornings. We got a lot of homemade stuff and man, I’d love to have those things today, homemade mittens, hats, sweaters, vest, and socks and so on – they were the best and man, did they keep you warm. We always got some kind of game which could and did involve the entire family. Now we rarely played it on this day but as we were on school break, we did play it and at times it got pretty loud and tempers would flare but all in all it was fun.

But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves – first let’s celebrate Thanksgiving, right? I love this holiday and it’s because family gets together and there’s lots of food. My mother was inclined to try some new recipe at Thanksgiving and as your plate was piled high with food, no wonder everything was given a seal of approval. Rarely did you come across a food that you wanted to spit out – not that spitting was allowed but hey, that’s a good use for a napkin!!!

So, if you can, get outside and take a walk today – be careful tho – it’s a tad slick in places but man it sure is fun. I'll try to share more turkey day memories later on in the week -- there's a boat load!

Norwood Ice Rink is just waiting ---and soon we all can skate on it and have our usual winter fun -- hurrah. Thanks

The Whale

A female humpback whale had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines.

She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat.

She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth.A fisherman spotted her just east of the Faralon Islands (outside the Golden Gate ) and radioed for help.

Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her -- a very dangerous proposition. One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.

They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles.

She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, nudged them, and pushed gently, thanking them.

Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.

The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.



May you, and all those you love, be so fortunate...

To be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you.

And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.

I pass this on to you, my friend, in the same spirit.

Hugs

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly,

Laugh uncontrollably...

Never regret anything that made you smile

Just Laugh

Okay, it is Saturday and yes, damnit it is raining, you needed me to tell you that? I didn't think so -- now, what to do today? Of course you can shop, hell folks shop in all kinds of weather -- no wonder misery is everywhere. Or you can stay home, bake, watch TV, read book or hell, take a nap -- whatever.

So here's some things to bring a smile to your face or at least, for a few seconds, give ya something else to think about, okay? Enjoy.

BE FAIR TO ALL

The following is a funny and true story shared by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School.

In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States.They are pretty simple: the candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years of age.

One girl in the class immediately started complaining about how unfair the requirement to be a natural born citizen was. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming President.

KC and the class were just taking it all in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating ...

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section???"

And yes, she is a blonde!

IRISH CHRISTENING

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and finds that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot...’ Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?''

Denise' says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise

'Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?

'The doctor replies ' Denephew '

SAY WHAT?

Curves update – ready? In a word – impressive! Great trainers and fun participants, how’s that? I did find one machine that made my back ache and decided to avoid it for now – maybe after I get “toned, stretched, strengthen” I will try it but for now – no way! [I tend to listen when my body says, that flippin hurts fool]

It’s a tad awkward to think 30 seconds on each station (be that a machine or recovery mat) is actually doing anything constructive but lemma tell ya, do it right and you’re more than ready to move to the next station after 30 seconds! And you go around the circuit three times for a full blast workout – needless to say I was working up a sweat and my usual red face!

Am I gonna join? Well, let’s not rush things. I got two free weeks and I plan to use them. My issue is “when” is the best time to do this? As I am morning person, and the place opens at 7, this is not a problem but this does involve driving to the location and that messes up my walking routine. So my puzzle is do I walk, then workout or workout and then walk, or just don't walk on the days I work out (which would be 3-days a week)? See it's not an easy decision yet I am impressed with this Curves program! So I need a bit more time to decide but I gotta tell ya, I am leaning toward joining -- truly I am!

Okay on to other stuff. Oh lordy Moonbeam, we got us some interesting crap now. At 34 and having made millions, Joaquin Phoenix has decided to quit acting and concentrate on a music career. Well, ain’t he just flippin special? A fine actor and decent singer but perhaps a month or two off would be just as productive? I guess having millions does get boring -- I mean, what does one do when they get another million, then another, it's so routine, no longer any excitment, right? Ya, let us have a crack at that routine!

And right on his heels we have the only woman on earth to bear children and adopt them around the world, saying she too is giving up acting! Yup, Angelina Jolie and again, she has made millions, her partner makes millions for his movies and well, they can just “million” themselves around the world, renting $36,000 castles and what have you. Wait, there is more, she would come back to the big screen if the right script was presented to her, but for now she prefers and thinks its best she stay home and concentrate on her children – awwww, isn’t that sweet!

What irks me is that I never consider this when I was in my 30s but as I think about, I wasn’t making millions either – except in smiles, satisfaction and sense of pride in young people who finally accepted the fact that they did indeed have this amazing potential and talent. How could I leave all that and stay home?

Another lovely weekend is upon us and today’s weather is perfect – high 40s, light breeze and the sun popping in and out of the clouds – truly a remarkable day. Ya, I know the deer hunters are happy, no more rain but that means us drivers need to be more alert as the deer will now come closer to the road and feel comfortable knowing here they won’t get shot. Of course hit with a vehicle hasn’t entered into their heads but hey, they are after all deer!


Have a great weekend and keep smiling!

JUST READ

Eight Words with Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

• Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
• Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

• Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
• Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .

• Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
• Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.

• Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
• Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

• Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
• Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

• Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
• Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

• Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
• Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

• Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
• Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes , turning to a very boring channel and then falling asleep while having a death grip on the controler . This way when you try to take it out of their hand and change the channel, they can say, 'Hey, I was watching that!!!!'

AND;

He said I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

She said We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

She said ..... . . They already have boyfriends.

He said . Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Aha, got you smiling this morning, eh? Well, I'm off to do another Curves workout -- hopefully there won't be too many gals there at this ugly early morning hour but even so, no problem. Yes, I shall update you on my impression and progress -- suffice to say I'm going back so that means something. Later

2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.'

In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, ’You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.

'The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.

'Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?

'The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas SeasonBegins.....

ANOTHER WORKOUT OPTION

Okay if you find this stuff bonkers, then don’t read today’s blog but if interested read on – see, I give you choices!

First off let me state, weight watchers is a good diet program and if you follow it, you will lose weight and develop better, healthier eating habits. And yes, you will blow it at times and see your weight go up and down, like some flippin yo-yo but stick with it and weight does drop. I also found that while pounds may not drop as fast as I would like, inches drop or fade or disappear quite nicely and jeans my fat ass has worn in years, suddenly fit and well, I don't look half bad in them either! Just remember it took a while to put those pounds on and they ain’t gonna come off quickly and stay off, so have some patience and determination. (Not my strong suit either)

As you know, if you read this blog, I walk six days a week and that walk is at least 2 miles, usually more. I happen to find this most relaxing and it’s my special “me” time. I know some folks just can’t get into this walking bit and/or doing it alone is not their style either, I accept that but it works for me. Now I happen to be a morning person so walking in the morning is truly great for me. If I attempted (and trust me I have tried) walking at night, I’d be so wound up it would be hard to get to sleep.

Wait before we get to into this nonsense, we all walk, okay? I mean if you ain’t walking, shuffling or crawling you’re in a wheel chair, right? What I mean by walking is picking up the feet and moving along at a nice pace. Not just walking around the house, but outside, around the block or three blocks, ya, that kind of walking. Now while doing this kind of walking you can walk fast, then slow and combine raisign your arms or how fast you wish to swing those arms. I discovered the harder I swung my arms, the faster or bigger my stride, so that wasn't something I was doing constantly -- after all, this is not a damn race -- it's a walk!

Because I wanted more flexibility I purchased the beginner Yoga DVD and started that a few weeks ago too. Oh come on, I am not wrapping my legs around behind my head (what in hell do you think I am, 5-years-old?). And some of the moves shown on the DVD are just not possible – like get on all four, now bring your left foot up parallel to your left hand, then rise up into a lunge position. Are you kidding me? Needless to say, I ain’t doing this one but I am stretching and discovering, slowly that I can now bend down further and get back up without assistance or hydraulic lift!

Then a gal put suggested I try “Curves,” and I wasn’t sure what this was about or even where it was located. It’s in Potsdam near CJ’s – and it really deserves better advertising because it's really a great workout place. Curves is the first fitness and weight loss program dedicated to providing affordable, one-step exercise and nutritional information for women.

Ya sounds like a possibility, right? I’m going to day and having a fitness expert show me how all the machines work, how the circuit works, what they mean by recovery stations, and learning how 30 seconds on 13 machines is gonna help me. I also understand this 30 minute circuit includes five components: warm up, cardiovascular training, strength training, cool down and stretching.

Hey, I’m gonna check it out and for two weeks it costs me nothing to use their equipment. After that I gotta pay – and the price ain’t bad – hey, my kids are looking for things to get for Christmas, this would be a good possibility IF I decide this is for me. I need some place inside to workout and I definitely want more flexibility, so this might be ideal for me.

Oh come on, I’ll still be outside when the snow is on the ground, I got snow shoes and I’m still determined to learn how to cross country ski - -meaning, staying upright vs falling constantly. In other words, weather is not gonna keep me inside – no way. Also, I understand Santa is giving me the Wii game and that too has plenty of exercise options too. Hey, I just don’t want to see myself sitting all damn winter and putting the pounds and inches back on – worked to damn hard to get them off – thank you very much.

Yes, it is Wednesday and weigh-in and sorry, still got one pound to go before I can scream – I lost ten pounds. That last pound just does not want to leave – damn it, be gone!

More later, you all have a wonderful day – hey, the sun is shining and the early morning temp was 28 but now it’s a lovely 44 degrees – very light breeze – so it’s a beautiful day – get out and enjoy it!

VETERANS DAY

So you got a day off, a break, a holiday and you’re gonna sit back and relax, watch some TV, maybe do some baking or go hunting, right? Tell ya what, us Vets were and are damn happy to make this day for you and us – yup, we are proud that we could serve our country wearing our nation’s military uniform.

I remember my early days in the Air Force, scared but confident, in fact a bit over confident and full of myself. I would soon realize that I was part of a huge team and a team player and it was gonna be one hell of a wonderful ride.

Some how I got through basic training and discovered that I did have left and right feet and arms and that on a given command one or the other could perform the execution of a right or left turn. Failure to comply usually saw you getting a rock and carrying it until you were absolutely sure you knew your right from your left. Lemme tell ya, eating, walking, showering and sleeping with a rock was one fast way to distinguish right from left!

After basic or perhaps during it the Air Force seemed to ascertain a hidden potential and sent me off to technical school – holy sheet, what was I gonna do now? Oh I was gonna continue this damn marching for a while longer but now I’d actually attend classes and use my brain. I swear they took it from me during basic training because only when they said you could do something was it permitted. Finally basic and tech school was over and I was now assigned to my first permanent party base. Hey, don’t get this wrong--it was no party but at least now I only had one roommate and at times, a room all to myself. I didn’t have to march around anymore and had an assigned job which I was expected to be at every day and in the proper uniform.

My supervisor was a “witch” for a pressed, wrinkled free uniform and I stood inspection each morning. Hey, Lady you do realize I ride a bus to work and sometimes, I know it sounds horrible, I sit down so a few wrinkles do happen! After listening to her rants for a few days, I learned not only to ride the bus standing up but eating breakfast standing up too. Oh ya, she was definitely my hero -- NOT!

Eventually she decided this was no longer fun and gave up this nonsense, thank goodness! Then she did become my hero because she's the one who marched my sorry arse to the base Education Office and said, "this airman is going to college, and she'll be taking this course and that course." That was the start of my college education and I thank her every day for dragging me to the ED office and getting me started!


As I settled into my work, school and got promotions it wasn't long and soon I was headed to Vietnam where I would spent 18 months and see things I would have dearly loved to have missed. I arrived just a few months before the Tet Offensive so I got to see and experience that first hand -- not pretty my friends, not pretty at all! It was after this that every one carried a weapon and I gotta tell ya, hauling an M16 around became as common as draping a purse over my shoulder( a bit uncomfortable at times but hey, it also provided a sense of comfort too). Plus I was no longer permitted to wear AF blue (we stuck out real good in that color) and now I was wearing Army jungle fatigues and boots -- oh man, those boots were something else! Hey, this was not a fashion show, it was a war zone and looks didn't count for crap - staying alive was what counted!

Eventually we all came home, in various ways and with various issues and memories, not to mention opinions and viewpoints. But unlike other military personnel there was no welcoming parades or parties for us, hell no, we were spit upon, called names and treated like we were the lowest animal form on the planet. We had served our country, followed orders and now we were made to feel like dirt and we didn't understand it then or now! But we held our heads up high and honored our comrades who served with us and who died in the process -- nothing would make us see their sacrifices as unworthy -- nothing!

Yes, that was many years ago and we have finally been given closure and a nation's thanks. Whether you agreed or disagreed with this conflict and our involvement, the fact remains we did serve there and we shall honor those who did. So on this day, if you see a Vet, tell them thanks and let's support our troops each and every day.

God Bless America!

I'd Hire Bubba - How about U?

My Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies. I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I kin start emeditely.

Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser. hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,Bubba

PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.




Employer's response:

Dear Bubba,It's OK, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.

ODD WEATHER DAY

I don’t know about you folks but so far Monday’s weather has been very strange and definitely odd. Earlier (by that I mean, 8 am) it was sunny and a brisk breeze – ya, you needed a light jacket. Then, the sun suddenly disappeared and by 11 it looked like one hell of a storm was headed our way.

By noon we were getting hail, rain, snow, more rain and the wind picked up and the sun, well, she has disappeared completely. So this is how we begin the week – lovely.

Now for some important health information – please read and share – you’ll be amazed at how much better you’ll feel!


Green beans just NEED bacon grease! There is nothing better to fry eggs, pop corn, seasoned beans, or seasoned cornbread. But I didn't know this can happen!!!!

IF YOU HAVE EVER INGESTED BACON GREASE IN ANY FORM. PLEASE READ THIS!!!! Bacon Grease warning:
The question is: Do you use bacon grease?
We were raised on bacon grease (lard) as kids and even into adulthood. I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.

COOKING WITH BACON GREASE I just threw out my last 2 tubs of bacon grease!! This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease. This is a warning, send this to everyone you care about.




Bacon grease will make your feet shrink. Warn everyone !!

THINGS GOT YOU DOWN?

Well Then, Consider These

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon’s was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part- time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is good!

There now, Feeling Better

Have no idea why any of this is underlined -- major error, sorry!

RAINY SATURDAY

Got up and thought I’d get my walk in before the wet stuff hit but that was wrong thinking. So, it was exercise inside and a longer Yoga workout – holy sheet! Oh well, keep those muscles stretching and moving before you discover you can’t move! [hate it when that happens, not moving - holy Martha!]

Thank you to all who wished me a happy birthday and yes, it was indeed a very good day! Got wheels under me arse again, so that is good – in other words, my car is out of the garaged and fixed! Even better, hubby filled up the gas tank too – damn, it had to be my birthday, right? [wait read on, it gets better]

I see via television that the upper mid-west got hit with a blizzard and dealing with some major snow fall – oh how dreary. Give me a break, we’ll deal with that in due course too – it’s not like it’s summer folks, this stuff is gonna hit and while you sit there and moan, you want a white Christmas but – hello – that involves snow, remember?

So how many of you are doing the “lay-a-way” number? Man I think this was a greatest little service stores every offered. It gave you somewhere to hide the presents and you paid a little each month vs shelling out for the whole thing in one setting (which was a heart attack waiting to happen). I use to get nervous when it got closer to pick up time and think some clown has lost my order and now I’m screwed big time! Or some popular item that I put on lay-a -way months ago was removed because someone else realized they didn’t grab one and hell, I’d never know. Ya tell me crap like this never happens, go ahead convince me!

Well poop and double poop. Got my car back and left the damn overhead lights on all flippin night, now I got a dead battery – holy sheet! They should come with an automatic off switch – I mean, who intentionally leave them on all night? Damn. So now it’s call my wonderful son-in-law and have him bring the battery charger and charge the damn battery –what a pain in the arse. Oh well, I wasn’t planning on going anywhere – would have been really ticked if I had plans tho. Life is so interesting – ya just wonder what in hell can happen next or better yet, don’t wonder and just smile because life is gonna happen regardless!

I wonder if there are any decent shows on today. Sunday is never a problem, got football – hurrah, but Saturday? I’m not real big into college football – not my speed at all. Ya could check out the tennis channel and see what’s happening there – well, I’m sure I’ll find something and of course, if all else fails; I do have plenty of books to read.

Some folks, and I love this concept are actually turning television sets off and discovering the wonderful art of actually talking to and with each other. They are doing this slowly tho – like only two days a week can TV be on, the other days, talk, read, play games, clean, workout, or find something worthwhile to do. It’s amazing that folks have discovered that talking with each other is both interesting and informative! Ya, I’m thinking about turning off the TV set a couple days a week too – what the hell, I can talk to hubby and/or read books – either one is a good thing.

So, you all have a lovely weekend – wet it may be but we’re still breathing so life is good!

Oh about those flu shots – my sister always said: “A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!” Sis likes her shots and I like Sis!

FOGGY BUT CALM

I don’t care what you say, fog can be calming as long as you don’t fight it and just allow it to engulf you and make you feel part of it…oh sheet, are you buying into this? Good, I was getting worried!

Wow, this morning was fog-o-city, eh? I mean, this is some thick stuff. As I looked out the window, around 5 I couldn’t see across the street (ya, I know at 5 it’s bloody ass dark, so that’s no clue) but in our front yard we have a flag light and I could hardly see it due to the fog. By 6:30 I was able to see a bit more but not much and I was glad I was not driving – that was some thick fog.

Then while on my walk, which was pleasant as usual and I was reminding myself that I like fog, two deer let me know they were along side the road, eating and to please be quiet and not alert any hunters of their presence! Why, I would never do that and besides, you can’t shoot a gun within the village limits, so they were safe! I think they were lost – fog does that to animals too. I am never clear on deer eye sight – one person tells me they have poor eye sight but exceptional hearing and another says their eye sight is quite good, sense of smell is high and well hearing ain’t nothing to complain about either! Guess I should talk to a deer, eh?

Whew! The election is over and the crap continues. Now it’s attack Palin, blame her because McCain did not win, she didn’t know Africa was a continent, she wasn’t aware of all the names of the countries involved in the North American Trade Agreement, and what about her clothes shopping can SAKS ever recover? But wait, it’s not just about her – our President-elect is being bombarded with what kind of dog to get his girls…holy sheet, he can get elected president but he needs helping selecting a dog for his daughters? Give me a break!

Okay, it’s my birthday and I’m gonna do what I want – what else is new? You all have a lovely day and keep smiling or hell, roar with laughter and have some fun – life is good – just look in that mirror and say; “who the hell are you?”


I about wet my pants from hysterics (wait – I did wet my pants).

EXPRESSIONS & GESTURES

Every now and then, I wonder how certain expressions/sayings got started or better yet, how many have heard them. Having lived in other countries, I got to hear many and now, well, now I plan to share a few – just to drive you bonkers!

“It was so quiet this morning; I could hear a sparrow fart.” I have no idea where this one came from but it just cracks me up every time I hear it. Sometimes, when walking, it is really, really quiet and this remark just pops into my head and, no I have never heard a sparrow fart!

This particular statement was actually made while I was living in England. I was walking down a street; an attractive, well dressed older woman was walking toward me and had this dog on a leash. The dog was well behaved and controlled and the woman was uttering comments to the dog. As we got closer we exchanged the usual greeting and I inquired; “what kind of dog is that?” She looked right at me, never blinked and replied, “She’s a bitch!” Okay then, have a nice day!

Again, in England I had just entered this grocery store and a woman yells out, “Luv, don’t forget your trolley!” What the hell? She meant shopping cart. I would learn a lot that day as I shopped, tins were canned goods, a hiding was a spanking a child was gonna get for acting bad, and a fag was a cigarette.

In Greece I quickly learn that raising and showing your entire hand, as in the start of waving was like giving someone the finger, so you had to be quick about waving or you were insulting someone big time!

Some of my most confusing and frustrating memories were in Vietnam. I would say “ciao” to my maid and sometimes I’d get a bowl of soup or my boots or tub of what she considered coffee (trust me it was not coffee – it was mud). Just wanting to say hello or good bye, which used the same word but inflected differently, was really a challenge. Later I would learn passable Vietnamese and life got much easier. However I never could convince my maid to stop using starch when she washed my clothes. Everything was given a starch bath and I mean everything – underwear, shirts, hats, socks, etc.
Order food in Vietnam was always fun too and most of us (those who served) can easily relate to having “fried lice” which was usually damn good – that’s fried rice for those who wondered!

Okay, enuff of this – now for some questions to get your mind working:

· If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea – does that mean that one out of five enjoy it?

· If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

· If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

· Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

· Is it true you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

And remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing!

Colonoscopy

This is from news hound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of involuntary spurting. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER:

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all.

12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Dont Close Your Blinds

The other day, my nine year old son wanted to know why we were at war. My husband looked at our son and then looked at me. My husband and I were in the Army during the Gulf War and we would be honored to serve and defend our Country again today. I knew that my husband would give him a good explanation.

My husband thought for a few minutes and then told my son to go stand in our front living room window. He said 'Son, stand there and tell me what you see?'

'I see trees and cars and our neighbor's houses,' he replied.

'OK, now I want you to pretend that our house and our yard is the United States of America and you are President Bush.'

Our son giggled and said 'OK.'

'Now son, I want you to look out the window and pretend that every house and yard on this block is a different country' my husband said.

'OK Dad, I'm pretending.'

'Now I want you to stand there and look out the window and pretend you see Saddam come out of his house with his wife, he has her by the hair and is hitting her. You see her bleeding and crying. He hits her in the face, he throws her on the ground, then he starts to kick her to death. Their children run out and are afraid to stop him, they are screaming and crying, they are watching this but do nothing because they are kids and they are afraid of their father. You see all of this, son...what do you do?'

'Dad?'

'What do you do son?'

'I'd call the police, Dad.'

'OK. Pretend that the police are the United Nations. They take your call.. They listen to what you know and saw but they refuse to help. What do you do then son?'

'Dad......... but the police are supposed to help!' My son starts to whine.

'They don't want to, son, because they say that it is not their place or your place to get involved and that you should stay out of it,' my husband says.

'But Dad...he killed her!!' my son exclaims.

'I know he did...but the police tell you to stay out of it. Now I want you to look out that window and pretend you see our neighbor who you're pretending is Saddam turn around and do the same thing to his children'

'Daddy...he kills them?'

'Yes, son, he does. What do you do?'

'Well, if the police don't want to help, I will go and ask my next door neighbor to help me stop him,' our son says.

'Son, our next door neighbor sees what is happening and refuses to get involved as well. He refuses to open the door and h elp you stop him,' my husband says.

'But Dad, I NEED help!!! I can't stop him by myself!!'

'WHAT DO YOU DO SON?' Our son starts to cry.

'OK, no one wants to help you, the man across the street saw you ask for help and saw that no one would help you stop him. He stands taller and puffs out his chest. Guess what he does next, son?'

'What Daddy?' 'He walks across the street to the old ladies house and breaks down her door and drags her out, steals all her stuff and sets her house on fire and then...he kills her. He turns around and sees you standing in the window and laughs at you. WHAT DO YOU DO?'

'Daddy..'

'WHAT DO YOU DO?' Our son is crying and he looks down and he whispers, 'I'd close the blinds, Daddy.' My husband looks at our son with tears in his eyes and asks him. 'Why?'

'Because, Daddy.....the police are supposed to help people who need them.....and they won't help..... You always say that neighbors are supposed to HELP neighbors, but they won't help either....they won't help me stop him.....I'm afraid....I can't do it by myself, Daddy.....I can't look out my window and just watch him do all these terrible things and, and, do nothing. So.....I'm just going to close the blinds.... so I can't see what he's doing........and I'm going to pretend that it is not happening.'

I start to cry. My husband looks at our nine year old son standing in the window, looking pitiful and ashamed at his answers to my husband's questions and he says... 'Son'

'Yes, Daddy.'

'Open the blinds because that man.....He's at your front door...'WHAT DO YOU DO?'

My son looks at his father, anger and defiance in his eyes. He balls up his tiny fists and looks his father square in the eyes, without hesitation he says: ' I'D DEFEND MY FAMILY, DAD!! I'M NOT GONNA LET HIM HURT MOMMY OR MY SISTER, DAD!!! I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM, DAD, I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM!!!!!'

I see a tear roll down my husband's cheek and he grabs our son to his chest and hugs him tight, and says... ' It's too late to fight him, he's too strong and he's already at YOUR front door son.... you should have stopped him BEFORE he killed his wife, and his children and the old lady across the way. You have to do what's right, even if you have to do it alone, before its too late,' my husband whispers.

THAT scenario I just gave you is WHY we are at war with Iraq . When good men stand by and let evil happen, son, THAT is the greatest atrocity in the world. 'YOU MUST NEVER BE AFRAID TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALONE!' BE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN! BE PROUD OF OUR TROOPS!! SUPPORT THEM!!! SUPPORT AMERICA SO THAT IN THE FUTURE OUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER HAVE TO CLOSE THEIR BLINDS...'

This should be printed in every newspaper and posted in every school in America . Of course that won't happen so we'll use the Internet.

If your blinds are closed, do nothing with this -- If they are open I do not need to tell you what to do.

YES, HISTORY WAS MADE

I really don’t care who you voted for, that was a personal choice and you made it. However what I do hope is now that we have a President-elect that we put aside our party differences and work together to solve the many issues facing this country.

It is rather cool to live in a time when we are part of history, the making of it but come on, we’ve always been part of it so let’s not get to carried away. Yes, this is our first ever African-American President and one day we can omit the “race” and just say here’s our new American President – color won’t mean squat and it never should have, right?

Now I gotta share with you that I must have gone into a different season zone because today, with the temp in the 60s I have my windows open and I am “airing” this house. Now isn’t this a spring cleaning tactic – not usually seen in the Fall? And who made up that silly rule anyway? One should be able to open and air their house whenever they think it would be helpful, right? Now I don’t recommend doing this when the temps get below zero but then again, it’s your house, go for it! As for me and our house, it is being aired and until I get cold, the windows shall remain open and the breeze can blow through (sheet, I’ll probably have to dust again too – damn!).

Now our next big event/holiday is Veteran’s Day. Veterans Day, holiday observed annually in the United States in honor of all those, living and dead, who served with the U.S. armed forces. Unlike Memorial Day, which honors those who have died in wartime, Veterans Day honors all those who have served, in times of peace as well as in war. I hope all of you will take a moment (or two) to honor those living and those who have died and be grateful for the service these men and women gave their country. As a Veteran, I say thanks to my comrades and wish them good health and long life –thanks for serving your country it was an honor serving with YOU.

Now it is time to take down the Halloween decorations and let’s start seeing the Turkey Day stuff? Man, there are some great inflatable objects to help us remember and celebrate Thanksgiving Day too. Last year I wrote about the “little table,” and how I was gonna try to get assigned to it this year, I think I have succeeded in that quest (but my daughter may change her mind).

Once Upon a Time There was Time (damn I love this saying)

Oh for those keeping track, yes today is weigh in day and I'm still waiting to yell I LOST TEN POUNDS but it aint happening today. Still got a lousy pound to go and that sucker just does not want to leave -- bloody hell!!!