Proof Reading, An Art?

Proofreading is a dying art, would you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

Bees

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank.

After a few minutes, the bees flew out.'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?The bee answered,

You're just gonna love this..

BP (AKA Bee Pee)

Burglar

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you"!

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

*********

Okay, I admit it, I still dislike bathroom scales, they do lie and while I don't wish to obsess about weight, after seeing some recent photos, I now, more than ever, am determined to drop the pounds. I mean, I dropped inches and a pants size but no actual weight, which means my muscles are moving but the pounds are staying (or something like that). So, my objective is to lose actual pounds and that means, no more screwing around with the weight watcher points. I mean, write things down, stay within your daily allotment and don't even add in the activity points unless you absolutely have to do this (like you're going out to dinner or downing a few cold ones).

Yes, I intend to continue my exercise/workout routines,those have become a habit I don't wish to break but I need to cut out the sweet snacks and stay within my daily points. Oh this can be done, its just adopting a positive attitude and a freakin determination-- I can do this.

Cleaning Poem

My sister sent me this -- is she trying to tell me something? Well, you read it and laugh, I'm headed to Curves and as the wet, damp weather continues, I reckon planting bulbs or having one more go at the lawn is out for today. Guess that means I should consider some inside chores, ya think?

Wait! I have that lovely "pack and play" thing that I could put together -- that outta frustrate the hell outta me and who knows, with any luck I won't need more beer and the play-pen will be up and ready for my grandson who is due to arrive in December. Ya, what's the hurry!!!

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'
He told me to get off my fanny,
And tidy up the house.

And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick....
I was just admiring my good work.

I didn't mean to 'click.'
But click, I did, and oops -
I foundA real absorbing site
That I got SO way into it -
I was into it all night.
Nothing's changed except my mouse.
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess......
While I sit here on my hiney.

Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

Blister + Hike = Better Blisters

Oh what a beautiful day. First off, it was a great sleeping night as the temps went down into the low 30s and yes, there was frost on the pumpkins this morning.

Yet the day slowly warmed up and the Fall colors are just calling for everyone to get outside and see them. My daughter and I decided we'd check out Lampson Falls. This is located near Degrass and quite easy to find and a nice, relaxing hike too. Yes, I had blisters from my 6 mile trek earlier in the week and they have not completely heeled but as this was not a pavement hike, I was okay.

Now, we didn't get down far enough to take any really good "falls" photos because we missed the "foot trail" tag and went the other way, which was still a nice trek. I say nice with tongue in cheek as this sucker was mostly uphill and some hills just challenge me more than I wish to be challenged.

But we did get near the water and it was great and the leaves are turning and the colors -wow-- they are beautiful. Moose (the dog) was also with us and he loved it. When we saw other folks on the path, we'd call Moose back and make him stay with us, so as not to scare folks. He is just a very friendly dog but other folks don't realize this and hey, I don't want a dog rushing up to me either.

I'll will add photos if this program will allow it -- lately, it's been giving me an "attitude" about photos and I'm ready to give it a kick in the ass to show it, I'm the boss.

All in all folks a great day, always fun hanging with my girl and pregnant or not, she still can out walk me any ole day...she slows down for Mama, thank goodness.

Love does not dominate, it cultivates!

Warn Your Friends

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.

And then the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX! This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed woke up and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart. These same thieves come in my closet and shrink my clothes!

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For those who are keeping up, my fitness routine has become an obsession. I mean, I actually feel like shit if I don't exercise or at the very least guilty! Ya, go for the latter. This morning I finally succeeded in a goal I had set for myself this year. Go ALL THE WAY AROUND Norwood Lake. [this would be known as LakeShore Drive]

First it was up and over Norwood hill (this would be the hill headed toward Potsdam or if coming from Potsdam, the hill that leads into the village). Then I crossed over at the Lobster House and began the long walk around. I have one small problem -- it's called a bladder. It does not take kindly to these long hauls without an occasional stop and in due course it must be emptied.

In case you are wondering, there are no public toilets along this route and folks are still pretty nasty if you squat in their yard. So, women (and men too for that matter) are inclined to duck into the woods. The first time was not all that bad but the second spot was something I doubt I will see again in my life time. I really had to pee, and I mean, the potty dance wasn't gonna stop this from happening, so get in the woods, whip those pants down, squat and let'r go, right? I look up and I am "eyeball-to-eyeball" with a deer. No shit, a deer. I remained in the squat and hoped this 4-legged creature would move on and it did...I can hear him telling his mates this story as they gather to snuggle down for the night and how they laughed like fools!

The point is, I made it around the Lake -- I ended up with three freakin blisters but I made it. Cross that off my goal list. Hey, I said ONCE I would like to go around the Lake, well, I have done that - end of story.

I still believe bathroom scales lie, so I don't rely on them very much. However I can admit that I have toned up and have lost inches --proof of that is dropping a size -- hurrah! Come on, I walk 2 or 3 miles three times a week, I workout at Curves 3 times a week and normally I am also using the Wii Active workout which is a 30-day challenge workout. This one puts you thru your paces for two days and then, thankfully gives you a rest day and you do this for 30-days. I tried to up the intensity level and was humbled fast and went directly back to the low intensity level -- trust me, this was sufficient to kick ass.

My routine has become habit forming and its one habit I actually enjoy. When the icky weather gets here and icy sidewalks make walking bad, I shall snowshoe which is also a good workout and great fun. Plus I will have a grandson to keep me busy too -- now that's gonna be a great workout!

The Job Urine Test

(Whoever wrote this one deserves a HUGE pat on the back!)

Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.

In order to get that paycheck in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem).

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

So, here is my Question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butt - doing drugs, while I work. . . .

Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out'.

Wasp Spray

I have a friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk part of town who was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection.

She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead. The wasp spray, they told her,can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray they have to get too close to you and could over power you.

The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn't attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would.She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection. You could also keep it in your car and it would be legal.

I thought this was interesting and it might be of use to lots of ladies... Pass it on ....

The Hormone Guide

Before I get to this guide, Happy First Day of Autumn. In case you didn't know this, today is the first day we have rain for this month -- can you believe it? After all the rain, to think we made it to the 22nd of a month with no rain is just unbelievable. Ya, I know, we needed it too -- ain't that amazing! Now on to the hormone guide...always something to assist you, eh?

Women will understand this! Men should definitely memorize it! Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

What's for dinner? DANGEROUS
Can I help you with dinner? SAFER
Where would you like to go for dinner? SAFEST
Here, have some wine. ULTRA SAFE.

Are you wearing that? DANGEROUS
You sure look good in brown! SAFER
WOW! Look at you! SAFEST
Here, have some wine. ULTRA SAFE

What are you so worked up about? DANGEROUS
Could we be overreacting? SAFER
Here's my paycheck. SAFEST
Here, have some wine. ULTRA SAFE.

Should you be eating that? DANGEROUS
You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFER
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? SAFEST
Here, have some wine. ULTRA SAFE.

What did you DO all day? DANGEROUS
I hope you didn't over-do it today. SAFER
I've always loved you in that robe! SAFEST
Here, have some wine. ULTRA SAFE

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. 12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Forward this information to all of your friends and those who might need a good laugh...and men who need a warning. Oh, and have some wine.

Navajo Message for the Moon

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.

His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elders comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message the elder wanted sent to the moon: "WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."

Ever Wonder?

Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 64).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' [I fibbed about the beer and wine]

'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

Friendship

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of True Friendship. You WON'T see cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

• When you are sad, I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!
• When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
• When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
• When you're scared, we will high tail it out of here.
• When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!
• When you are confused, I will use little words.
• When you are sick, stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
• When you fall, I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my rear off!!
• This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; because you are my FRIEND!

***********************

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only YOU can feel the true warmth.

GOOD VISION IN A DOWNPOUR

How to achieve good vision while driving during a heavy downpour. We are not sure why it is so effective; just try this method when it rains heavily.

This method was told by a Police friend who had experienced and confirmed it. It is useful...even driving at night. Most of the motorists would turn on HIGH or FASTEST SPEED of the wipers during heavy downpour, yet the visibility in front of the windscreen is still bad...... In the event you face such a situation, just try your SUN GLASSES (any model will do), and miracle! All of a sudden, your visibility in front of your windscreen is perfectly clear, as if there is no rain.

Make sure you always have a pair of SUN GLASSES in your car, as you are not only helping yourself to drive safely with good vision, but also might save your friend's life by giving him this idea.

This even works in a blinding snow storm, you can even see the tracks of another vehicle long after it has been through.

Try it yourself and share it with your friends.

Okay, I am not saying this does or does not work. I wear transitional lenses and during daylight, sunglass effect is possible but not at night time. Hey, I just drove home in the freakin rain, I didn't notice any great visibility in front of me -- just rain and splash back from cars ahead of me.

Hey, friends send me this stuff and I post it -- not everything but some stuff and, well, you take what you read with a grain of salt, right? Where in hell did that expression come from anyway? Grain of salt? Screw that, I take my readings with beer!!!

Mermaid or Whale

Recently, in large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID, OR A WHALE?"

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those ofthe woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curioushumans). They have an active sex life; they get pregnant and have adorablebaby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins --stuffing themselves with shrimp and other delicacies of the sea. They play and swim in the oceans, seeing exotic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are excellent singers and have even recorded CDs.They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in theworld.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of psychoanalysts due to an identity crisis. Fish or human? Human or fish? They can't have a sex life because they kill the men they lure close to them. Therefore, they can't experience the joys of motherhood. They are purported to be exceedingly vain and capricious. Not only that, who wants to be near a girl who smells like a fish market? The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S:We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who still makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends. With time, we gain weight, because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that, when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.

So, we aren't heavy; we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror, I will think, "OMG! Look how smart I am".

Bummed

I was just bummed when I read that Patrick Swayze passed away yesterday after a tough 20 month battle with pancreatic cancer. I truly hoped that he would somehow beat this sucker and live.

This is one actor you never heard any trash about because he was a decent man his entire life. He found the love of his life and that was all he wanted, no messing around for him, Lisa was all he ever cared about.

Now he can ride his beloved horses, freely, no pain and through some of the most majestic lands ever created. Rest in peace Patrick, your job on earth is done. We shall miss you!

Do You Fart in Bed?

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years?

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room.The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was. He said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you'.'

What do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. But by the grace of god, with some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in."

I strongly suggest if you have this problem (and who doesn't) you might want to sleep with one eye open!

Look at this

Every wonder what the river looks like when the water is gone or low? Well, here's your chance....kind of scary ---look at all those rocks.

Before you get all antsy on me, every now and then, water flows are shut down so dams and equipment can be checked and insure everything is working properly. Folks were advised this would happen and the entire Racquette River is lower because of this equipment checking -- however, it does make for some interesting photos and gives you an idea of how things look without a water cover.

Now, on the flip side my dau has suggested we do a joint-garage sale next weekend, so this weekend was spent getting things ready for that, including the need to clean the garage so we could not only set up tables to put stuff on but have it half way clean so we could sit in there. A messy job but it's done now and all that remains is "tagging" items with prices. Hey, we all know the real purpose is to get rid of stuff but at the same time, making a few dollars is also a good deal too.

As for me, on Wednesday I am headed to the big ole city and getting my sister to haul my arse to the Clam Bar so I can get my seafood fix, again. Then she asked that I bring my step ladder as she plans to have us put up the border around her den/guest room. I merely inquired "will this happen before or after we start drinking?" And she replied "During!" So who in hell knows what that border will look like. One thing tho, if we run into a mess, we'll just call the older sister in Florida and she'll guide us back to a level playing field.

Well, that's it for today folks, worked hard this morning and I'm headed to the chair for some TV time and most likely a nap. Ah Monday, lovely nap day!

Praise the Lord!

There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. 'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: 'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'

Catholic Shampoo

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.

One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cold beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer's evening?"

The second nun answered, "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

"I can handle that without a problem," she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer."We use beer for washing our hair," the nun said. "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."


Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."

Panties on the Plane

To funny

Panties On A Plane

Three large black Southern ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all , but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I get on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, deys gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floessant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, deys can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.........

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing any panties cos, honey, deys always look for da Black Box first'

Vacations

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"? "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it’s me, Sister Margaret."

Italian Lover

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear: "No, I Norwegian."

09-09-09

Whew, that was fun to write -- doesn't happen too often but when it does, hell, write it.

Okay, this is gonna be short --why? Well, today is my anniversary. Ya, imagine someone actually has put up with me for 41 years -- amazing, eh?

Yes, thank you for all your "happy anniversary" wishes, very nice of you.

Now as to what do we have planned...not telling ya a damn thing, so thar!

Hey, you all have a good day -- nice weather out there and with any luck, I may actually get some fishing in this week -- maybe even today!!!

An optimist is someone who believes the housefly is desperately looking for a way out!

Just Between Neighbors

Dispute Between Neighbours - this is a true story...

A town councillor in Wales, Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the mountains, until a new neighbour purchased the land below his house and built a new home.

The new home was 18 inches higher than the planning dept had approved, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the local authority to make sure they enforced the roof line height.

The new neighbour had to drop the roof height, at great expense.Recently, Mark Easton called the planning dept, and informed them that his new neighbour had installed some vents on the side of his new property.

Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the planning dept to investigate.

When they went to Mark's home to see what the vents looked like, this is what they found...

&&&&&&&&

I do hope everyone had a very nice 3-day weekend and Labor Day was good for all of you. Hey, it's gonna be a bit of time before ya see another 3-day weekend folks! Yes, thank you, my 3-day weekend was lovely. On Sunday I attended my daughter's baby shower -- that was great fun and well done and she received many nice gifts too.

Hubby and I went to the movies (again, scary, eh?) and saw GI Joe -- omg, this was just a tad too goofy for me -- this should have been a flippin cartoon because some of what they "did"was friggin impossible in the real world! Oh well, we had a night out and laughed like hell all the way home. I get to pick the next movie night and damnit, we are due to find a decent one or I will have to start eating popcorn!!

Weather has been fantastic and altho I got this ache in my leg, I still manage to get my workout done and walked 2.8 miles today -- and I wonder why the leg aches this afternoon -- duh! Oh hell, the golden years always have some aches, so accept and move on. More tomorrow folks, time to resume watching the US Open Tennis matches -- getting exciting now -- and altho we have no male American players headed for the finals, its still exciting.

Keep smiling!!!

Old is When....

'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!

''OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,'

OLD' IS WHEN... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are not sure these are jokes

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ...

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables..

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ’crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this kid)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.

'MILLIE: I is.

TEACHER: No, Millie.... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIE: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

Joke of the Day

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

A crazy bitch who will find you

Mid Life Experience

I can almost feel myself losing weight ----by forwarding this to you! You'll understand at the end.

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60, 70 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans..

We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too'

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: 'For this I have stretch marks?'

In mid-life your memory starts to go.. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin ..

Mid-life means that you become more reflective . . . You start pondering the 'big' questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.

Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired..

That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it! If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. (That's why I had to pass this on - I didn't want to risk deleting this.)

$%$&**(^$%

You just knew I would make some comment on the 62 year old man who slapped a two year kid in Wal-Mart, didn't ya? Oh sure, he warned the kid to shut but did anyone think he would actually do something then, slapped her not once but a couple of times -- ye gads! Ya, and the Potsdam Wal-Mart's claim to fame is "our sewer systems is the pits, therefore, we call out the honey-wagon and haul this sheet away!"

Oh ya, life is full of ups and downs, literally! And the darlings are back in school and the stores are once again "safe" to visit and shop -- just watch out of those "folks" who love to stop and gossip for hours -- get a damn life people!

Hey, you all have a great day -- sun is shining and its beautiful out there -- hey, I think I may go fishing -- what the hell, license is good until the end of the month, right?

Recess is OVER

Ya, today the little darlings return to those beloved halls of learning – oh ain’t this a glorious day (well for parents at least, not so much for the kids). Yes, I know some found this returning before Labor Day a crime and hell, they won’t even send their kids to school today – hello, what rock are you under!

But more important as we start another wonderful, exciting school year is to remember to slow down and watch out for those kids running to the bus, bus stop or just to race to stand next to a friend. Hey, leave a bit earlier so you got time to stop and enjoy this scene and reflect back on your own youthful days. Passing a stopped school bus is against the law!

Today is also the day the St. Lawrence County Cornell Retirees get together for a luncheon. Amazingly we only do this once a year and it’s always in September. Why? Well, many have become “snow birds,” and soon they will be headed south, so this is a good time to catch up with them, learn how their summer has been and hell, see how young we all have gotten after another year of retirement! What is amazing is seeing the stress gone from folk’s faces – when someone, who saw me at the fair, said this, I was blown away. I had no idea I had stress-marks while working!

Well, it’s almost time for me to head out on my morning walk. This morning I shall most likely see kids waiting for the school bus and watching me like I am totally bonkers. Hey, some will wave and think this is cool, others will think; “that ole fool ain’t gonna walk too far, she’s older than dirt.” Gotta love’em!!!

You all have a grand day, ya hear?

Oh hell, I have no idea why this is underlined -- silly program!

Polite Way To Pee

Okay, it has been a while since we have heard or read about our fun friend Johnny, so here goes, ready?

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to at my place after dinner. "

The teacher fainted"

Red-Headed Babies

Okay, before I get to this red-headed baby business, let me say, along with everyone else -- Happy September 1st...thar, happy now? I know, it's not fair, we didn't even get a real summer but hey, you get what you get, that's all anyone can tell ya.

Maybe we will have a very mild, gentle, lovely winter -- what the hell, something has to change and it might as well be that scene, eh? Oh yes, some snow but not so cold and fewer ice-covered roads, now that would be delightfu. Okay, okay, let's not go there yet -- it is just September and we could have an Indian Summer, right?

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said.’ Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.’ This can't be,our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this, How often do you have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'